22
   

Question to married men who have anothe woman

 
 
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Sep, 2014 10:24 am
@FOUND SOUL,
I know he has these things with his wife. I get to hear and see them everyday (thanks to Facebook).

So, a man that can love his wife as much as he does, not care about the woman he is screwing just because of an ego, a midlife crisis, lies, and because he can? How can a man have so much love in his heart for one woman and so much lack of empathy for the other?
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Sat 20 Sep, 2014 10:41 am
@melissabenedict,
You're asking the wrong question, it's not why he does it, it's why you let him do it. that's a question you can get an answer to.

His motivation could be any of a number of things, and even if you did know his exact motivation what difference would it make? Do you honestly think that by understanding things you can change things (and him)?

If so you're deluding yourself. You've got two choices, put up or give up. Whatever you do is up to you, just stop moaning about it.

Have you thought of developing an interest in football? It should give you something else to talk about.
http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/77716000/jpg/_77716382_hi023982609.jpg
Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Sat 20 Sep, 2014 10:50 am
@melissabenedict,
Just a though and probably a stupid one but is she his sugar momma who is older and can leave him some money?
melissabenedict
 
  2  
Reply Sat 20 Sep, 2014 11:37 am
@Eliusa,
Interesting thought, but no.
0 Replies
 
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Sep, 2014 11:40 am
@izzythepush,
Football, seriously?

I am trying to understand, wrap my mind around it. Please remember the topic to the original post, that's all I ask. I don't mean to be rude, crude, or a big moaning baby about it.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Sep, 2014 02:15 pm
@melissabenedict,
Honestly Melissa?

Ask yourself, did he tell you at the beginning he was happy with his wife? It was just a once off. Or at least give you that impression?

Or did he whine a little about his life?

Once a woman sleeps with a man she's attracted too, especially if she is lonely, especially if there was a form of adventure she wants more. The second, third time, a bond forms and then you are stuck.

You can do this, be assertive. You have a little anger in you, watching and seeing on face-book what you see. Is it him putting the photos and captions up or her. If it's him how do you honestly feel about that?

Who knows why he did it initially. But, if he knows and he does that you are going to continue to stay and you do, then what does he have to lose?

He doesn't feel threatened, he feels safe, he's getting his cake and eating it.

From what you wrote, he's in a happy, happy world and you are not. He would have to have a bit of an ego, two women.

What can you possibly gain? How many more years do you possibly want to waste?

The risk you took at the beginning is, he was/is married.

You now know that's not going to change any time soon or any time later.

Why give that power to him? You can tell he doesn't deserve it.

Only he can answer that question, why. Why string you along. He would tell you, you knew what you were getting yourself into, he never said he would leave his wife, he cares about you but no, he won't leave his wife, he has "feelings for you" but he won't I bet, state he loves you. Though it is said you can love two people at once apparently, you can see how happy they are, what if you helped that happiness? Made their marriage happier? How would that make you feel?

Truly. What ever the reason doesn't matter. You know he's happy with his wife, so therefore, you are giving valuable time, your valuable time and heart to someone that does not deserve it.

izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Sep, 2014 02:43 pm
@melissabenedict,
"Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very
disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more
important than that." Bill Shankly.
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Sep, 2014 09:09 pm
@izzythepush,
Your football picture is soccer to me.
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Sep, 2014 09:52 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
The irony of how this started is he told me how he met his wife. It was a beautiful, romantic story of meeting her and he asked her out. She said "No". Ten years later they crossed paths again, another state, he asked her out again, she said, "Yes". I thought to myself, this is a real man, one who waited for the right one to say Yes.

He has never talked bad about his wife, I know she is his life, that is why I have such a hard time accepting that he could do this.

A question was asked of me, in a post above, "Why am I allowing him to do this to me?". I honestly do not know how to answer that, other than the fact I feel like I deserve it. But who deserves this? No one, no rational person can just think they deserve to be treated like ****. So, does that make me irrational?

"he cares about you but no, he won't leave his wife, he has "feelings for you" but he won't I bet, state he loves you" ... That made my heart ache, my stomach turn, and my soul fall.

How do I build up enough strength to end it? If I knew tomorrow I would never shed one more tear, that I would feel no pain, I would end it. What hurts the most, is he won't care, it won't hurt him, he will not shed a tear for me. Will he feel an ego bruise, maybe? But who cares, he still has his wife to screw.

"Once a woman sleeps with a man she's attracted too, especially if she is lonely, especially if there was a form of adventure she wants more. The second, third time, a bond forms and then you are stuck."... How do I get unstuck? And why the hell are I /women like this? Why can't I / we just **** some guy and make them fall in love with us?

I thank you for replying, I know it's like beating a dead horse trying to get through to me, but you're the first man that has actually put thought into his response and spoke to me like a person. Forgive me for my ignorance.

izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Sun 21 Sep, 2014 12:43 am
@melissabenedict,
There's no call for using the 's' word.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  3  
Reply Sun 21 Sep, 2014 12:46 am
@melissabenedict,
Found Soul is all woman. You need to get out a bit more, try to develop more interests (maybe not football,) but something, meet new people, socialise more. Make sure you're not staying in all night waiting for a phone call.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Sun 21 Sep, 2014 03:08 am
@melissabenedict,
I know I made a comment about " I get why you are asking men" and it seems you therefore, thought I was one Smile Thanks Izzy Smile

Quote:
The irony of how this started is he told me how he met his wife. It was a beautiful, romantic story of meeting her and he asked her out. She said "No". Ten years later they crossed paths again, another state, he asked her out again, she said, "Yes". I thought to myself, this is a real man, one who waited for the right one to say Yes.

Well not necessarily, he's having an affair with you. So what did he do over those 10 years ever ask him that? How many women he just bedded because he could, how many he used because perhaps he thought of this woman.. And now.

Quote:
He has never talked bad about his wife, I know she is his life, that is why I have such a hard time accepting that he could do this.
Most do talk fondly of their wife and they mean it. Why? Because I think for two reasons. 1) They are making sure you do not take things out of context they have told their mistress, they are in love with someone else, they assume that means that she can never ever, make him feel bad when the shirt hits the fan or talk bad about him, she will just walk quietly in tears. 2) It makes someone who is lonely and wants love, want what he has, enough to remain.

Bit of a win, win?

Quote:
I feel like I deserve it.
Not irrational. You are either going to tell us exactly that, you deserve it, or the opposite.

So why do you feel you deserve it? Look back. He told you the love story, continued to talk of his love for his wife.. Then continued to sleep with you, very sly huh. Did you deserve that?

Quote:
"he cares about you but no, he won't leave his wife, he has "feelings for you" but he won't I bet, state he loves you" ... That made my heart ache, my stomach turn, and my soul fall.

Because he has not stated that. I'm sorry to have hurt you, your soul shouldn't have fallen, it should have made you see a "light bulb" and felt more awake over all of this.

Look I understand you don't feel worthy. Most don't, I've told you that, your situation is normal someone else's here isn't, she is him you know? That man you are with. Eager and willing to do a lot of hiding, cheating, to get what she/he wants. Same thing. You are staying because you WANT love, as simple as that, you want what you have but normal, like a wife, you deserve it but you feel you don't so this is the closest you can get.

GET A DOG Smile No seriously. I've said that to you before as well. That un-conditional love is what you need to learn and learn it does actually exist and you don't have to get used, the love of a dog, un-conditional is equal love what they give you, you give back this is what a beautiful relationship is like well apart from wanting to throw a frying pan here and there, just kidding: )

Lighten up and see inside yourself, put a poster sticker on your mirror and read it every day, " I am worth a lot" and the more you read the more you will believe.

Quote:

Why can't I / we just **** some guy and make them fall in love with us?
Because a man doesn't take it seriously, his heart isn't immediately emotional. As he gets to know a woman things change, he sees for-instance the little girl in the woman, he sees the woman as well and as he gets to know her he sees similarities he laughs, she laughs and so the rest starts off. We are wired differently. Sex equals bond. Ask any teenager, why she slept with a guy she really liked immediately and then, couldn't work out why he didn't want to see her again and her heart was broken.

It's not beating a dead horse. I've replied to Melissa's many a time, somewhere else over the years. Only 2 actually left and I wasn't the only one replying and being there. But that's two. And guess what? Both are married with kids and soooo happy.

Stay with us. Ignore anyone that tries to tell you what you are doing is more power to you as well as those that may state pfttttt against you and focus .

I'd also guess you stay home too much as Izzy kinda stated when he said get out more. I'd say you don't check out lipsticks that you like FOR YOU, or dresses, do stuff that you like. You are happy alone at home.. Yet, you're not at all, it destroys you doing it.

Why not give us some more insight, about... You.

Germlat
 
  2  
Reply Sun 21 Sep, 2014 07:29 am
@FOUND SOUL,
FOUND SOUL wrote:

Quote:
So true...opposites attract. I believe everyone has individual dispositional attitudes but, nobody owes anyone praise or silence. I like the famous Elbert Hubbard quote: "Criticism is something you can avoid easily--by saying nothing, by doing nothing, and by being nothing."


Well a wise person can sit back. A person who wants to establish someone, can sit back. Being nothing? That part I can't agree with, we are all something as we should be but I "get" the quote Smile

I don't think we're talking about the same thing. I was merely pointing out the difference in points of view and reactions to the op. Notice Eh Beth vs Max's stance for instance. Different personalities...but a reaction to a particular poster doesn't denote that it is the approach used for every situation or poster. I find the op wants things for herself, that she isn't willing to give to others. A perfect contradiction.
0 Replies
 
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Sun 21 Sep, 2014 02:16 pm
@melissabenedict,
melissabenedict wrote:

The irony of how this started is he told me how he met his wife. It was a beautiful, romantic story of meeting her and he asked her out. She said "No". Ten years later they crossed paths again, another state, he asked her out again, she said, "Yes". I thought to myself, this is a real man, one who waited for the right one to say Yes.

He has never talked bad about his wife, I know she is his life, that is why I have such a hard time accepting that he could do this.

A question was asked of me, in a post above, "Why am I allowing him to do this to me?". I honestly do not know how to answer that, other than the fact I feel like I deserve it. But who deserves this? No one, no rational person can just think they deserve to be treated like ****. So, does that make me irrational? "he
cares about you but no, he won't leave his wife, he has "feelings for you" but he won't I bet, state he loves you" ... That made my heart ache, my stomach turn, and my soul fall.

How do I build up enough strength to end it? If I knew tomorrow I would never shed one more tear, that I would feel no pain, I would end it. What hurts the most, is he won't care, it won't hurt him, he will not shed a tear for me. Will he feel an ego bruise, maybe? But who cares, he still has his wife to screw
"Once a woman sleeps with a man she's attracted too, especially if she is lonely, especially if there was a form of adventure she wants more. The second, third
time, a bond forms and then you are stuck."... How do I get unstuck? And why the hell are I /women like this? Why can't I / we just **** some guy and make them fall in love with us?
I thank you for replying, I know it's like beating a dead horse trying to get
through to me, but you're the first man that has actually put thought into his response and spoke to me like a person. Forgive me for my ignorance.

I think you need to clarify and define or refine your relationship. He may love
or he may not. The point is that there are countless possibilities as to why he is doing this. I don't see how this is good for anyone but him. Ask him...seriously! Maybe you need to hear it from his lips. But--if he is a disloyal person, it's possible you won't get the truth either. Try dating you might get actually get what you need. You might just get a huge surprise.
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Sun 21 Sep, 2014 03:24 pm
@melissabenedict,
melissabenedict wrote:

I wish I knew the answer. If I knew why people intentionally seek out to hurt another person, I wouldn't be on this thread searching for answers I will never find.
This does not diminish the pain of the families and friends affected by a daughter and grandchildren being murdered. I'm not here to discuss 'why does a person kill other people', but I felt the need to respond, as a caring person.

What about the people affected with you participating in infidelity? Do they matter? Or...do you only care about the pain in him not choosing you?
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Mon 22 Sep, 2014 07:05 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Sorry for the mistake in gender. You seem to understand my situation from a completely different point of view.

The time between asking his wife out and her saying yes, he was in the military. He was never a jock in high school or had the pretty ladies. The ego you referred to, I believe is what he's feeding off of me. He told me once the reason his wife married him was because he was "safe", she had already been through 2 divorces and had a child.

I've read so many affair websites, my head spins, trying to find answers. Trying to figure out how a man could love someone so much but do something as hurtful as cheating. I found a site about the person, me, how much lower their self esteem goes. They accept the lies, accept the texts/messages/phone calls when he has time. Don't ask questions, it allows them to fall farther into lacking any kind of worth because they're waiting for approval that will never come. 'Oh, he finally called me! He must be thinking of me!" But as you said it's a Win, Win for him, a constant string along.

He's been with me more than three times, why doesn't he see me as a person? As soon as he gets up, he texts me (of course his wife is sleeping), then I get 6-8 phone calls during the day (until the work day is over), and Saturday night (if he has time), he messages me. At the beginning I used to message or text him, he asked me to stop (worrying about getting caught).

I'm not saying he's all bad, we do actually talk, have conversations, joke, discuss our family, our past, our jobs. That's how it started and I miss the friend I had, that I could talk to about anything because now I can't tell him how much he's hurting me. He knows how I feel about him, he gives me the lines of "maybe" or "someday". I know it'll never happen. I've asked him a million questions of the why's, how's, and you do know you're hurting me? He's answered every question, I don't think he really knows the answers.

I am not a dog person, I do have 6 cats, and no I'm not the crazy cat lady. I just like cats!

Do you know I feel guilty when I buy something for myself? I'm in a marriage that for most of the years my husband continued to drink, party, do drugs, while I stayed home taking care of our children. It took him getting arrested 2 years ago to finally put his life in order, but it took it's toll on me. Why did I stay? The fear of being alone, that me, ugly, stupid me could never find a man that would actually want to take care of me and with 2 kids.

Then here comes this guy, listens to me, tells me I'm smart, beautiful, and he's had a good life. (background...I have always chosen the men that need 'fixed', drugs, alcohol, abuse). He's so interesting, he talks so highly of his wife, his son's, his parents, friends, military, I could listen to him for hours. For 3 months we talk and talk, then we decide to meet for lunch.

"As he gets to know a woman things change, he sees for-instance the little girl in the woman, he sees the woman as well and as he gets to know her he sees similarities he laughs, she laughs and so the rest starts off."

He's been with me physically for a while, why does he not have as deep feelings as I do? A part of me does believe he cares, but I believe that he's more afraid of what he would lose (house, family, friends, money/retirement, ridicule, and most of all his wife) and I am not worth any of that.

I would give almost anything to go back to the day we met in person and just go out to lunch, nothing more. At that point my feelings for him was just as friends.

As always, I look forward to your reply and I thank you in advance for helping (without judging, condescending, or making me feel worse!)

P.S. Any clue how to fix me, without me feeling any pain?
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Mon 22 Sep, 2014 07:06 pm
@Germlat,
He's told me "I love you as a friend", might as well tell me "I'm ******* you because you let me".

I'm married also, so dating is kind out of the question.
0 Replies
 
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Mon 22 Sep, 2014 07:16 pm
@Germlat,
Believe it or not, I actually went to his house, met his wife, son's, family, and friends. I do think about how it would affect each and every person I met, but it's kind of like smoking. You want to quit smoking, you know how bad it is for you, cancer, smell, yellow teeth, second hand smoke, it affects everyone you're around, but the nicotine is so addictive, it doesn't matter all of those things. It's exactly like that. If you're not a smoker, I don't even know what would be close to describe it.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Mon 22 Sep, 2014 07:30 pm
@melissabenedict,
Have you thought about going for counselling to help you understand why you've chosen men who need fixing - til now, when you've chosen someone who's not available to you?

I just hate to read about people hurting so much when they're not in the best, healthiest relationships they can be in.

I hope you can find a way to be in a good, healthy relationship that brings you great joy.
Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 23 Sep, 2014 07:46 am
@melissabenedict,
Under what circumstances? HOW???
0 Replies
 
 

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