Sorry for the mistake in gender. You seem to understand my situation from a completely different point of view.
The time between asking his wife out and her saying yes, he was in the military. He was never a jock in high school or had the pretty ladies. The ego you referred to, I believe is what he's feeding off of me. He told me once the reason his wife married him was because he was "safe", she had already been through 2 divorces and had a child.
I've read so many affair websites, my head spins, trying to find answers. Trying to figure out how a man could love someone so much but do something as hurtful as cheating. I found a site about the person, me, how much lower their self esteem goes. They accept the lies, accept the texts/messages/phone calls when he has time. Don't ask questions, it allows them to fall farther into lacking any kind of worth because they're waiting for approval that will never come. 'Oh, he finally called me! He must be thinking of me!" But as you said it's a Win, Win for him, a constant string along.
He's been with me more than three times, why doesn't he see me as a person? As soon as he gets up, he texts me (of course his wife is sleeping), then I get 6-8 phone calls during the day (until the work day is over), and Saturday night (if he has time), he messages me. At the beginning I used to message or text him, he asked me to stop (worrying about getting caught).
I'm not saying he's all bad, we do actually talk, have conversations, joke, discuss our family, our past, our jobs. That's how it started and I miss the friend I had, that I could talk to about anything because now I can't tell him how much he's hurting me. He knows how I feel about him, he gives me the lines of "maybe" or "someday". I know it'll never happen. I've asked him a million questions of the why's, how's, and you do know you're hurting me? He's answered every question, I don't think he really knows the answers.
I am not a dog person, I do have 6 cats, and no I'm not the crazy cat lady. I just like cats!
Do you know I feel guilty when I buy something for myself? I'm in a marriage that for most of the years my husband continued to drink, party, do drugs, while I stayed home taking care of our children. It took him getting arrested 2 years ago to finally put his life in order, but it took it's toll on me. Why did I stay? The fear of being alone, that me, ugly, stupid me could never find a man that would actually want to take care of me and with 2 kids.
Then here comes this guy, listens to me, tells me I'm smart, beautiful, and he's had a good life. (background...I have always chosen the men that need 'fixed', drugs, alcohol, abuse). He's so interesting, he talks so highly of his wife, his son's, his parents, friends, military, I could listen to him for hours. For 3 months we talk and talk, then we decide to meet for lunch.
"As he gets to know a woman things change, he sees for-instance the little girl in the woman, he sees the woman as well and as he gets to know her he sees similarities he laughs, she laughs and so the rest starts off."
He's been with me physically for a while, why does he not have as deep feelings as I do? A part of me does believe he cares, but I believe that he's more afraid of what he would lose (house, family, friends, money/retirement, ridicule, and most of all his wife) and I am not worth any of that.
I would give almost anything to go back to the day we met in person and just go out to lunch, nothing more. At that point my feelings for him was just as friends.
As always, I look forward to your reply and I thank you in advance for helping (without judging, condescending, or making me feel worse!)
P.S. Any clue how to fix me, without me feeling any pain?