Sun 20 Jul, 2014 08:31 am
Hi, sorry I am going to write a really long story.
I have been married for 4 years. Dated my husband for about 9 months before we were married. We were very much in love when we were dating until I noticed that he started withdrawing from me about 1 month before we got married. But I thought he is just stressed due to the wedding and it will go away.
However, I was wrong. He never touched me and I was a virgin when I married him. I asked him whats wrong and why? was it something wrong with me? am i ugly etc? he said nothing and turned his back on me.
I kept crying and crying not knowing whats wrong and he did in the end touch me after 3 weeks of me crying. He said that he wasnt happy that we had a big wedding. I come from a well off family and I paid for the wedding down to his mom's gown. He didnt want a big wedding. However due to our culture, a wedding reflects the image of the family. My family has many business friends that they have to invite so a grand wedding it sort of normal back home unless you are really poor. what he wanted was that, we have no wedding and just go to honeymoon. Of course me as a woman wants to wear a wedding gown at least once.
Anyway, my relationship gone up and down from there on. sex is like once a month, then once every 2 months, and normally once every 3 months within the first year of the marriage. Only during honeymoon that he did initiate some. He NEVER initiate any sex with me unless he is away on a business trip for days and didnt see me.
I wanted to have a baby on 2nd year of marriage. I have PCOS means hormonal imbalance which means its very hard for me to have babies unless with medication. He wasnt happy (he is anti doctor and meds). He thinks that all doctors are useless and so is meds. He said he rather die than taking any med or going to a doctor. Anyway i took med and got twins. However, he never smile or touch my belly or show any care.
I worked and also studying when I was pregnant with the twins. Unfortunately, my sex drive gone through the roof while i was pregnant and he refused to give me any. when i cried in the bathroom, he got irritated and drag me on the floor and I bled. he never helped with any household chores and when i told him i was really tired because my feet were sore while i was pregnant. i told him to take the clothes from the lines. he refused and told me that I am lazy.
He is UNEMPLOYED. I am the head of the family. The house is mine and i pay for everything - I really mean every single thing including his food etc. He quit his job to move overseas with me. So i feel responsible for him leaving his job and didnt manage to find any job when we moved.
We never talked for the whole course of pregnancy (5 months) till i miscarried due to weak cervix. He was shocked and was nice to me once again. I thought its going to be better. It was better and we had another baby soon. This time he showed that he is a wee bit happy. So we only had sex to make babies and nothing else. Still we didnt talk much nor have any connection but at least not resentful as before i miscarried.
We had a year old girl now. about 4 months after i gave birth i tried to initiate sex but again he refuses. our relationship just gone down the hill so fast after we had our girl. we literally only have 4 sentences a day. For example, make milk for the baby, help change nappy etc. nothing about US.
I exploded after 4 years of keeping everything inside. He told me that he doesnt like my family and didnt want them to come over to my place. they are nuisance he said. His parents came to see my daughter, I paid for everything as well.
I have stopped talking back because I am tired of crying and getting nowhere. I am tired of begging as well. He always told me not to confide to my best friends or family about my problems because they might think differently about him. So in the end I confide with a male friend that knew for 2 years. Lets say his name is John.I knew he has been interested in me for about 1 year and thats why I have kept my distance. However, I was at my limit and desperate to save my marriage to make it better. I thought he doesnt know my husband so no gossip and also a male so might understand how male thinks.
I have tried talking to my husband countless of times. He always ignored me. Turned his back on me. I even tried to say about my feelings about how unhappy I was and told him that I might not be able to hold on much longer. I told him that I feel so unloved, ugly, neglected, like a stranger, never good enough for him. no connection. I know i am as sexy and beyonce or anything like that but I dont complaint about him being so skinny like bones with a 175cm height and only 52kg. never complaint about he never work or dont do house work. the only thing i want it attention and affection. I want to be loved and treated like a wife not some kind of stranger or rubbish. He didnt even want to look at me if i try to talk to him. he will go out of the room if i went in and vice versa. i dont think that is how a married couple supposed to be.
He did told me once that he wants another kid. We were having this talk while I was pregnant so we were just happy about me being pregnant due to the loss of our twins. I almost died after I miscarried and so he was worried about me getting pregnant again but then he loves kids. I do love seeing him playing with my daughter.
I have weak cervix which is why I might have a premature baby in my next pregnancy just like with my daughter. so I need a surgery to prevent another premature labor. I have asked 6 doctors and they all said the same thing - surgery. hubby werent happy. he said just go on bed rest or have no more children. i do personally want another one. i am 28 years old and i am not that young anymore. so after i talked with my family and his parents. they all say go for surgery. i talked to him as well he said up to me.
he still ignored me and this time its been about 6 months. and we still have no sex whatsoever. no kiss, not even a peck, no hug, no cuddles. even when i touch him he slapped my hand away. when i asked for a hug he refused and just told me to take care of my baby. i tried to lose weight for him because i gained 12kg with my pregnancy. but nothing change. we just drifting further and further apart. i often cried at night in the living room to make sure he didnt hear. also pretend that we are one happy family in front of everyone. but inside i am crying. i told him a few times to tell me what is wrong with me. what is his problem. i cant live like this forever and also he should have appreciate me as a woman. other women would probably have gone or cheated on him ages ago. he just keep playing with his ipad that i gave him for his bday while i was begging him to change and improve the situation. he told me he doesnt want to change and doesnt need to. he said if i want to cheat its up to me. he wont give me more sex whatsoever. nothing wrong with him he said. i have to think why he is like that. so i told him, dont blame me if i do cheat and i left the room.
so i went for my surgery that has to be done with a specialist in another city, sydney. i live in a small city and there is no specialist that do the surgery. its a small surgery. that was the time when i met my male friend, the one i confided in. he lives in sydney. i didnt have any intention of cheating with him or anything. indeed i have been thinking about cheating since 2 years ago when my husband treated me badly while i was pregnant with my twins but i brushed off that thoughts.
i confided in John when i met him in Sydney. Well he is a good listener. I helped him went through when he broke up with his gf a year ago. we pretty much clicked. anyway, hubby didnt want to accompany me to sydney for surgery because he doesnt want my parents nor his parents to take care of my baby for 3 days because he thinks they are not good enough. so i went alone. i did told him that i will txt him once i woke up from surgery. the surgery was delayed because the doctor had to deliver a baby. after surgery, i was really really disappointed that he didnt even txt or call me. there is nothing from him while everyone else was asking me and txt me how was it. so i had lots of missed calls and txts when i woke up except from him.
i cried and refrain from txting him. trying to wait when will he txt me. he didnt txt me even after 2 days. i txt him in the end but he didnt ask anything about how i was doing. honestly, i felt heart broken. this is the time when i told myself, he doesnt love me anymore and doesnt care about me anymore. i mean what if i had a complications and couldnt text him. he doesnt know what is happening with me. on the other hand, john accompanied me right after i was awake from surgery. brought me food, feed me and accompanied me in hospital for 6hrs. everyday he would come and visit me simply just cares about me. honestly, i felt very happy. i have not been treated like a woman for years. i slept with john about 10 days after surgery. it was a small surgery so i was well by the 5th day and doctor told me i can have sex after a week.
i slept with john because of my anger, and also wanting revenge to hurt my husband. however, i did have my sex cravings that have never been fulfilled. i was never satisfied with my husband because no foreplay. it feels like he is having sex with me just because he has to not because he wants to. i have given up asking for sex from my husband. i did told him its not about the sex that i want. i want to be loved. cuddles and kisses are good enough. even for sex i am not asking everyday. just once every 2 weeks is fine. sadly we only have sex max 4 times a year and if i get 6 times means i am extremely lucky.
i did feel guilty sleeping with another man but i didnt regret it. i told my husband about it when i went back home. he was furious. he said even though i am being neglected doesnt mean i can cheat. i told him i know i was wrong but you pushed me away. where should i get both my emotional and physical needs if its not him. i told him he is not fulfilling is duty as a husband. he didnt like it if i masturbate, watch porn or buy a vibrator to satisfy myself because he doesnt give me any. he doesnt like it when i moaned during sex or wanting to try new positions. he orgasm within 2 mins max. honestly its not satisfying at all but i just like being touched as it makes me feel loved and wanted.
john was good in bed. for the first time in my life i had orgasm with a man and not playing with myself. its sad but thats the truth. i am a bubbly person by nature. ever since i got married, i dont smile or laugh much anymore. i laughed more when my husband wasnt around.
so in the end john asked me out. ask me to be his girlfriend because he knows my marriage is heading for a divorce. i said no. because i do need to stay married with my husband for another 3 years for residency matter. even though john can help me with it but i dont want to risk it.
so after hubby found out i was cheating. he slept in the storage room despite i told him to sleep in the guest room. he shouted at my aunt and stared at her just because my baby was crying and we didnt hear it because i was cooking in the kitchen and she was cleaning up. he was doing nothing except locking himself up in the storage.
he refused to touch my daughter anymore. so i let it be. he said he got a job now and he told me he has more power now so he asked me whether i want to reconcile or not. i told him i want to reconcile but i told him we both need to change. he told me its not his fault. its ALL my fault. he has nothing wrong whatsoever. he told me because i didnt want to hear and obey him. also because i am messy and disorganised thats why he ignored me to prevent argument or conflicts. i told him conflict avoidance is not healthy. i mean i cant read his mind. also i can never be as tidy or as a perfectionist like him. he wants me to be tidy like his mom. cleaning up the house from 8-10pm everyday. obey whatever her husband say. i cant do that. i told him, he knows from the start i am not someone who will obey. i am a dominant woman and i marry him because he knew how to calm me before and make me listen and i couldnt dominate him. i told him that i have accepted him like not wanting so much sex, not working etc. but doesnt mean i have to obey whatever he say. like not going to the gym. also he brought stuff from before we were married.
he told me that he was afraid to sleep on the same bed with me everyday. because he was afraid i gonna ask him for sex. i told him many times that i wont ask anymore. but doesnt mean he has to ignored me completely not talking etc for months. that is unacceptable. beside i told him, its not normal that he doesnt even want sex for months and at times we dont have sex for a year.
he told me that i am lucky to marry him and wouldnt find a better guy that him. i couldnt believe what i was hearing. he told me he regretted marrying me. i told him i regretted marrying him too. i told him that i didnt like him the first time i met him but he kept chasing me for months. i told him why did he not say that he doesnt like me before we were married instead of wasting my precious youth being unhappy with him. i told him i should be the one regretting marrying him. because i provide everything and never mentioned anything about money. i give him a good life, a better life than what he can earn with his own money. bear in mind, he never has any gf before. i am the first and the last.
he told me if i want to reconcile i have to agree to 3 conditions. no affection, no sex and no children. he said he will never be the same again and also he thinks for the worst. i said its okay. he said he doesnt want to try but i have to believe that its gonna work. i said yes but honestly i dont think it will.
he told me that he has found a work and he has monetary power now and he can leave. i told him if he wants to leave its up to him. i wont kiss his feet or beg for him to stay. i do need him for residency purposes but i still have my pride so i will find another way to get my residency.
he told me if it is his house and if he is rich. he wouldnt allow his family nor my family to come over. but because its my house he has no say. i told him that he is not right and what if his daughter do the same. he say then just disown her. he is crazy. honestly, he is depressed and try to pull everyone with him. i have told him to go for counselling a few times before i cheated and he yelled at me.
now, he refused to sign post nuptial. he said marriage based on trust and he doesnt want my money. i told him if he doesnt want it then why not sign it. he said he felt being cheated on. how can i friggin trust him. luckily we had a prenuptial.
he told me now he is upset again because i asked him to sign a post nuptial and didnt want to go back to our home country together because he needs to save money he said. i said up to him but i will be going with my daughter next year. i told him that i dont want to sleep with him anymore and told him to sleep in the guest room. however, he refused and still sleep in the storage room. he said he has pride and he wants nothing from me - financial wise. so he wouldnt even use my car to go to work. he told me i might thought that he is going to steal it. honestly, he is absurd.
honestly, i am not sure about what to do. i need to stay with him for another 3 years for residency. however, what will happen next? should i just leave him and go out with john. i have a daughter and i am afraid that the new guy might not love my daughter as much as my hubby. my hubby loves her and for him its better for her to have both parents even though our relationships are unhappy. we are sort of an expert in pretending to be happy. i was trained by him not to express my emotions. if i decided to not reconcile, he will go away and told me to say to my daughter that he is dead and he doesnt want to see her again. thats why he told me to make sure i can take care of her. i said i can take care of her.
we are still not talking but discussing a few things that is necessary for the building of my house. he would only help if i agree to reconcile with him. he is very detailed while i am careless so its very helpful. our characters are polar opposite which is why i think we were attracted to each other in the first place. i am talkative and he is quiet, i am spontaneous and he is a planner, i am messy and he is very tidy, i am multi tasking while he is not, i want to enjoy life and relax while he wants everything to be serious and not to travel etc just to keep saving money. i just want us to meet in the middle but i guess he doesnt want to. he wants me to obey him and let him lead. he told me that he does not like marrying a rich girl but why did he marry me in the first place? he told me he was in love at first sight. he said rich girls are hard to control. if he marries a poor girl then he can control her financially. so as to make her financially dependant on him which i think it is some kind of abuse.
honestly, i think he has been abusing me emotionally for years and i had enough of it and exploded. which is why i cheated. but then i still feel guilty even though its only once. still i cheated and also betrayed him. also i remember the time when he left everything back home to come with me. he left his high paying job to be with me. he told me when we dated that he wanted to change me to a better person. now that i think about it, marriage shouldnt about changing people. but accepting them as they are or meet in the middle. i think he has given up on trying to change me. he thought he could handle me but he was wrong and he regret it.
I only read about the first third or so, sorry.
Bottom line - this guy doesn't treat you well, is unemployed and doesn't help out with either the house or the kids and your sex life stinks. He also dislikes your family and doesn't want them around. He doesn't seem to be affected when you get upset.
So ... why are you still married?
Who cares about the affair. Why are you still married to this guy who seems thoroughly unsuitable for you?
BTW since he's so anti-doctor, do you think he'd have medical care withheld from your children if they needed it? Because that would be considered by most US courts to be abuse if it wasn't religiously-driven (and, often, even if it was).
He is a true spiritual being that has saved my life by making my lover to return home and love me again And again.
Twice .... wow!.
Has he a spell for diarrhea?.
I, too, could not finish your post and wonder the same thing.
There are so many issues that you list that cause you such unhappiness, yet you stay. Is it all because of the residency thing? Surely, other people have gone through divorce before completing residency - go talk to the officials ASAP.
You must gather the strength to leave this man. He is not good for you or your child or your family. Your family probably knows everything, these things are not hidden for long.
Do not ask for a reconciliation, He does not deserve it.
Thank you everyone for your reply. I want to leave him but then he does not want to sign a post nuptial. if we are to be divorced now, he will get $1m which of course i do not want to part with.
we did have a prenuptial but it was signed 4 years ago and i did not have that many assets back then.
Also, another thing is that I need him for residency. simply the immigration require me to stay married for another 3 years before i am granted a permanent residency. because we applied as a married couple. in this case, he has the work experience and i have the money. i have asked is there any other way. so far no other way after talking to my lawyer.
if we are to be divorced, then the residency would be cancelled and i do not want to go back to my home country at any costs. beside what would happen with my girl. i am afraid he is going to contest for her custody saying i had an affair and he deserves to have her. then ask me for financial support.
i have talked to my lawyer but the best way is to get him to sign a post nuptial as the prenuptial can be challenged. should i wait for another 3 years? but its a long time.
He never done any medical check up or ay blood tests before for the 6 years i have known him. he refused to give the doctor his semen sample as well when we were trying to concieve.
You might be able to live apart even without a post-nuptial signature, etc. Ask your lawyer if being separated (not 'legally separated', e. g. no separation agreement) will interfere with the need to get residency. But ask before you do anything else, as it could be an issue. Doesn't hurt to ask, though.
Here's a link on Australian VISA's that may answer your questions.
Am i the only one here that actually read the whole story?
He seems like a huge asshole, with a very rigid mind and fundamental belifs that almost fall in the cathegory of the absurd. It is surprising that you didn´t notice earlier. Well maybe it is natural, i came also from a very fundamental style society so maybe i shouldn´t be amused.
It will do good for you to leave this man. It is obviosly not a good and healthy relation. He has been very psichologically and emotionaly abusive. This man John seems a nice person but do not leave your husband for him, do it for your self for your quest for happines and fullfillment.
Even when i have just gave you words of encourage i must state my opiniion regarding cheating. You did bad doing it that way. I understand that your husband never gave you what you desired, it was his duty as a husband to full fill your needs and he failed miserabily. But it is never correct to cheat. You already had enough reasons for leaving him, it was not necessary. There is a personal commitment on marriage, and i belive that it doesn´t matter how despitful a spouse was, no one deserves beeing cheated.
You should look forward for other means to gain your residency. You should contact a lawyer that can help you sort this out, since you are economically capable and i assume your daughter was born on Australia there most be other ways to resolve your migration problem. In your situtation i would do it even if i have to wait 6 years to solve instead of expending 3 more years suffering with such a toxic person.
But remmember do not do it expecting anything from John. You barely know him, consider him as your scape valve by the moment, keep contanct with him while you take a decision. Love is like going on a treasure hunt, you have to dig a lot of trash before finding a rea diamond, and even when you had found a pretty shiny while diamond, it can suddenly turn out being fake. Do not construct your happiness solely around someone else, built it around yourself, around your personal realization. But never forget to demand love it is your right to felt loved.
You seem to me as an awesome woman, cheer up!!!
I know that i am wrong by cheating. indeed there is some part of me that wanted to hurt him as well. he thought i wouldnt dare to cheat if he told me to go and cheat with another man. he thought i will just go and cry in the corner. i guess he got it wrong. at that time he was really angry, shouted at me and also cried when i told him i was cheating.
however, not one part of me feel any regret by cheating. by then i realised i do not love him anymore. but i still cared for him until he told me that he regretted marrying me and also he was afraid to be sleeping with me. i guess thats it. at the moment i am just holding on to keep the residency and also to find a way so that he wont get that $1m. my family lawyer is currently talking to immigration lawyer and also trusts lawyer to find a way out without him signing a post nuptial.
as long as he does not go to any immigration office or court telling that he wants a divorce, my residency would be alright.
indeed i am trying to find a way out without him but i am worried that he might get my friggin $1m if he decided to go to court and challenge my prenuptial.
i do not need him to survive both financially nor emotionally. my money is just not enough to apply for residency by myself and with a 1 year old daughter make me think twice if i have to give away that $1m.
i am not worried about John, despite he keep asking me out. I told him to be friends and i need time to think and be alone for quite a bit.
i went to counseling a few times. my counselor told me that my relationship is not safe and unhealthy. we do not have a healthy way of communicating. my feelings have been hurt and injured. she told me that at the moment there is a power struggle between me and my husband which happen to all couple. she told me my relationship still can be saved only if both want to change and commit. it will take time and work. however, he would need to come to counseling as well because she would be the mediator between the 2 of us. however, i dont think that will ever happen since i know what he is like.
and because i dont see him everyday now, i feel happier and i notice i started to laugh and smile more often.
thank you for your support everyone
it feels good to let my heart out here.
true, we are very different. we are actually complete opposite. the only thing we are similar are our hobbies and interests. but characteristics wise, we are polar opposite. even our background are completely polar. i am not sure why i didnt see it earlier. probably because i was smitten and he was so nice before that i thought argument and then he kept quiet for a few hours and then fine again.
arguments are normal in relationships so i thought it was normal. but i didnt realise that he took it so seriously and keep it inside all these years. i am indeed very very outspoken. as an asian, i am considered rude to most older people or traditional asian family. he is not traditional but he wants me to be a traditional wife or even a trophy wife where he can boast about me to other people -which honestly, i dont need.
i am not even sure why we are attracted to each other. i think my relationship is beyond repair.
that might work if he doesnt report it to the immigration though.... which i think he might report it because he has no benefit by staying quiet. instead he would gain lots of money by wanting a divorce from me. which i think is why he doesnt want to sign post nuptial.