No apology needed Melissa. It's the way I worded it.
The time between asking his wife out and her saying yes, he was in the military. He was never a jock in high school or had the pretty ladies. The ego you referred to, I believe is what he's feeding off of me. He told me once the reason his wife married him was because he was "safe", she had already been through 2 divorces and had a child.
Who knows why people get together. "Safe" means, not in love, means settling, she settled, 2 Divorces, a child. She probably saw him as a good man, that being that he will look after her and that child.
If you think about what you wrote and what you wrote before, that being it "sounded" like a fairy tail, so romantic. Now you are saying which I highlighted you believe that he's feeding his ego off of you.. That is using someone for self gain, something he hasn't had, something he can't get from his wife. There is always something they can't get from their wife, as to the reason for an affair.
I've read so many affair websites, my head spins, trying to find answers. Trying to figure out how a man could love someone so much but do something as hurtful as cheating. I found a site about the person, me, how much lower their self esteem goes. They accept the lies, accept the texts/messages/phone calls when he has time. Don't ask questions, it allows them to fall farther into lacking any kind of worth because they're waiting for approval that will never come. 'Oh, he finally called me! He must be thinking of me!" But as you said it's a Win, Win for him, a constant string along.
It's evident you have a huge heart. Your reply to others and now, to Eh-Beth was lovely and I am glad that you are going to seek professional help I think that, is a must.. The problem with googling is you can get confused, you read something and it makes sense you read other things and it hurts and doesn't make sense and the next thing you know you are totally confused...
I do think once you start that process, you'll start to see things in a better light.. You can see things now but it's hard to 1) believe and 2) walk away especially if your self esteem is low and someone assisted in contributing to that before this guy.
He's been with me more than three times, why doesn't he see me as a person? As soon as he gets up, he texts me (of course his wife is sleeping), then I get 6-8 phone calls during the day (until the work day is over), and Saturday night (if he has time), he messages me. At the beginning I used to message or text him, he asked me to stop (worrying about getting caught).
If a guy is searching for a soul mate, or even a "mate" in the relationship sense, he is looking for simular qualities, morals, core values, beliefs and passions in life. If a guy commences an affair (as he is married), what is he honestly looking for? His intentions are there in black and white, he'll always have a bit of a thing for you, maybe even some compassion but ultimately, he had a reason and as I said for the most part, the woman to give in is the woman who is not happy with her life and has low self esteem. Just the slightest "something" to make her feel better is better than feeling nothing, in her eyes. Until time goes by and she feels used.
Are you a stay at home Mum? If you worked that would be hard and you could loose your job. Does a man get off on the attention that he receives. You take all of those calls and you know how the conversations go.
I'm not saying he's all bad, we do actually talk, have conversations, joke, discuss our family, our past, our jobs. That's how it started and I miss the friend I had, that I could talk to about anything because now I can't tell him how much he's hurting me. He knows how I feel about him, he gives me the lines of "maybe" or "someday". I know it'll never happen. I've asked him a million questions of the why's, how's, and you do know you're hurting me? He's answered every question, I don't think he really knows the answers.
I am not a dog person, I do have 6 cats, and no I'm not the crazy cat lady. I just like cats!
You can't sleep with someone you are not attracted to and you can't continue if it's purely sex, there has to be a bond of sorts, relationship of sorts... You know maybe and someday means can't and never. Think on that, he knows he's hurting you but he won't let you go. Is that someone you deserve? "If you love someone, truly love them and it's not right, let them go, if they come back to you, they are yours, if they don't they never were".
I had cats all my life : ) But you know? The moment I got little "Missy" she has passed now, lived to 17, is the day I saw a completely different type of love from an animal... This un-conditional love I can't explain even a little dog will get along with cats : )
Do you know I feel guilty when I buy something for myself? I'm in a marriage that for most of the years my husband continued to drink, party, do drugs, while I stayed home taking care of our children. It took him getting arrested 2 years ago to finally put his life in order, but it took it's toll on me. Why did I stay? The fear of being alone, that me, ugly, stupid me could never find a man that would actually want to take care of me and with 2 kids.
Why do you feel guilty? Do you know? The fear of being a lone is why most stay in their marriage and then if a guy comes along and hears all of this, he offers a hug and then, it goes from there. It's targeting women that are married and vulnerable. They feel that as you are married, you can't fall for them... Interesting don't you think? Hun you have obviously been through a heck of a lot. But you could also do well going to a confidence course of some sort because no woman is ugly, a woman with strength can walk, and to gain that she needs confidence. Again, I'm glad you are going to see someone discuss with them how to build confidence and their recommendation.
Then here comes this guy, listens to me, tells me I'm smart, beautiful, and he's had a good life. (background...I have always chosen the men that need 'fixed', drugs, alcohol, abuse). He's so interesting, he talks so highly of his wife, his son's, his parents, friends, military, I could listen to him for hours. For 3 months we talk and talk, then we decide to meet for lunch.
"As he gets to know a woman things change, he sees for-instance the little girl in the woman, he sees the woman as well and as he gets to know her he sees similarities he laughs, she laughs and so the rest starts off."
He's been with me physically for a while, why does he not have as deep feelings as I do? A part of me does believe he cares, but I believe that he's more afraid of what he would lose (house, family, friends, money/retirement, ridicule, and most of all his wife) and I am not worth any of that.
Melissa, to hear someone talk in the manner in which you really want for yourself, is the reason why this all started. I have no doubt he has "some" feelings for you as we can and do for "best friends" . If it was strong enough, deep enough, he wouldn't continue as you've told him it's "hurting you"... Not what you want to hear and probably wrong for me to state, I don't know you two when you are together but what I can clearly see is everything happens for a reason in life and he has shown you that you CAN find someone like him, they exist.. The lesson is to see that and take that with you whilst you move on with your life, in my opinion.
P.S. Any clue how to fix me, without me feeling any pain?
Yep. See that Therapist, find a course on confidence building, get out more, valuate your marriage and whether you truly belong there, take your time with everything until answers start coming through to you.. Put that post it sticker on your mirror that I suggested, make a few new friends in life just because you can and find another passion that you have always wanted to do but have never started....
It will all come together unfortunately what you need is the help and then time.