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Question to married men who have anothe woman

 
 
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Sep, 2014 08:06 am
@melissabenedict,
How is that he is going to lose his retirement money?
' I believe that he's more afraid of what he would lose (house, family, friends, money/retirement, ridicule, and most of all his wife) '
If his kids are all grown up and wife is an able body? Are men losing it all?

I had this conversation recently and we agreed on the fact that maybe we don't have to live in misery for last 20 years of our lives and it make sense to think about changes. Not in one day but with time. None of us are ready to 'go'.
But financial part came up like 'you still keep half of what you have but you live happy'...wrong?
melissabenedict
 
  3  
Reply Tue 23 Sep, 2014 03:33 pm
@ehBeth,
I have actually made an appointment to see a therapist. I definitely need to figure out what is wrong with me.

I thank you for your support and concern. I hope I find the answers I need to find a healthy relationship.
Germlat
 
  2  
Reply Tue 23 Sep, 2014 03:36 pm
@melissabenedict,
Good for you. You are settling for less...
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Tue 23 Sep, 2014 04:19 pm
@melissabenedict,
No apology needed Melissa. It's the way I worded it.

Quote:
The time between asking his wife out and her saying yes, he was in the military. He was never a jock in high school or had the pretty ladies. The ego you referred to, I believe is what he's feeding off of me. He told me once the reason his wife married him was because he was "safe", she had already been through 2 divorces and had a child.


Who knows why people get together. "Safe" means, not in love, means settling, she settled, 2 Divorces, a child. She probably saw him as a good man, that being that he will look after her and that child.

If you think about what you wrote and what you wrote before, that being it "sounded" like a fairy tail, so romantic. Now you are saying which I highlighted you believe that he's feeding his ego off of you.. That is using someone for self gain, something he hasn't had, something he can't get from his wife. There is always something they can't get from their wife, as to the reason for an affair.

Quote:
I've read so many affair websites, my head spins, trying to find answers. Trying to figure out how a man could love someone so much but do something as hurtful as cheating. I found a site about the person, me, how much lower their self esteem goes. They accept the lies, accept the texts/messages/phone calls when he has time. Don't ask questions, it allows them to fall farther into lacking any kind of worth because they're waiting for approval that will never come. 'Oh, he finally called me! He must be thinking of me!" But as you said it's a Win, Win for him, a constant string along.


It's evident you have a huge heart. Your reply to others and now, to Eh-Beth was lovely and I am glad that you are going to seek professional help I think that, is a must.. The problem with googling is you can get confused, you read something and it makes sense you read other things and it hurts and doesn't make sense and the next thing you know you are totally confused...

I do think once you start that process, you'll start to see things in a better light.. You can see things now but it's hard to 1) believe and 2) walk away especially if your self esteem is low and someone assisted in contributing to that before this guy.

Quote:
He's been with me more than three times, why doesn't he see me as a person? As soon as he gets up, he texts me (of course his wife is sleeping), then I get 6-8 phone calls during the day (until the work day is over), and Saturday night (if he has time), he messages me. At the beginning I used to message or text him, he asked me to stop (worrying about getting caught).



If a guy is searching for a soul mate, or even a "mate" in the relationship sense, he is looking for simular qualities, morals, core values, beliefs and passions in life. If a guy commences an affair (as he is married), what is he honestly looking for? His intentions are there in black and white, he'll always have a bit of a thing for you, maybe even some compassion but ultimately, he had a reason and as I said for the most part, the woman to give in is the woman who is not happy with her life and has low self esteem. Just the slightest "something" to make her feel better is better than feeling nothing, in her eyes. Until time goes by and she feels used.

Are you a stay at home Mum? If you worked that would be hard and you could loose your job. Does a man get off on the attention that he receives. You take all of those calls and you know how the conversations go.



Quote:
I'm not saying he's all bad, we do actually talk, have conversations, joke, discuss our family, our past, our jobs. That's how it started and I miss the friend I had, that I could talk to about anything because now I can't tell him how much he's hurting me. He knows how I feel about him, he gives me the lines of "maybe" or "someday". I know it'll never happen. I've asked him a million questions of the why's, how's, and you do know you're hurting me? He's answered every question, I don't think he really knows the answers.

I am not a dog person, I do have 6 cats, and no I'm not the crazy cat lady. I just like cats!


You can't sleep with someone you are not attracted to and you can't continue if it's purely sex, there has to be a bond of sorts, relationship of sorts... You know maybe and someday means can't and never. Think on that, he knows he's hurting you but he won't let you go. Is that someone you deserve? "If you love someone, truly love them and it's not right, let them go, if they come back to you, they are yours, if they don't they never were".

I had cats all my life : ) But you know? The moment I got little "Missy" she has passed now, lived to 17, is the day I saw a completely different type of love from an animal... This un-conditional love I can't explain even a little dog will get along with cats : )

Quote:
Do you know I feel guilty when I buy something for myself? I'm in a marriage that for most of the years my husband continued to drink, party, do drugs, while I stayed home taking care of our children. It took him getting arrested 2 years ago to finally put his life in order, but it took it's toll on me. Why did I stay? The fear of being alone, that me, ugly, stupid me could never find a man that would actually want to take care of me and with 2 kids.
Why do you feel guilty? Do you know? The fear of being a lone is why most stay in their marriage and then if a guy comes along and hears all of this, he offers a hug and then, it goes from there. It's targeting women that are married and vulnerable. They feel that as you are married, you can't fall for them... Interesting don't you think? Hun you have obviously been through a heck of a lot. But you could also do well going to a confidence course of some sort because no woman is ugly, a woman with strength can walk, and to gain that she needs confidence. Again, I'm glad you are going to see someone discuss with them how to build confidence and their recommendation.

Quote:
Then here comes this guy, listens to me, tells me I'm smart, beautiful, and he's had a good life. (background...I have always chosen the men that need 'fixed', drugs, alcohol, abuse). He's so interesting, he talks so highly of his wife, his son's, his parents, friends, military, I could listen to him for hours. For 3 months we talk and talk, then we decide to meet for lunch.

"As he gets to know a woman things change, he sees for-instance the little girl in the woman, he sees the woman as well and as he gets to know her he sees similarities he laughs, she laughs and so the rest starts off."

He's been with me physically for a while, why does he not have as deep feelings as I do? A part of me does believe he cares, but I believe that he's more afraid of what he would lose (house, family, friends, money/retirement, ridicule, and most of all his wife) and I am not worth any of that.



Melissa, to hear someone talk in the manner in which you really want for yourself, is the reason why this all started. I have no doubt he has "some" feelings for you as we can and do for "best friends" . If it was strong enough, deep enough, he wouldn't continue as you've told him it's "hurting you"... Not what you want to hear and probably wrong for me to state, I don't know you two when you are together but what I can clearly see is everything happens for a reason in life and he has shown you that you CAN find someone like him, they exist.. The lesson is to see that and take that with you whilst you move on with your life, in my opinion.

Quote:
P.S. Any clue how to fix me, without me feeling any pain?


Yep. See that Therapist, find a course on confidence building, get out more, valuate your marriage and whether you truly belong there, take your time with everything until answers start coming through to you.. Put that post it sticker on your mirror that I suggested, make a few new friends in life just because you can and find another passion that you have always wanted to do but have never started....

It will all come together unfortunately what you need is the help and then time.
Germlat
 
  2  
Reply Tue 23 Sep, 2014 04:44 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Melissa actually may have a chance at seeing through he murky waters...and deciding she's worth it....best wishes.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Sep, 2014 05:16 pm
@Germlat,
I agree on that Germlat Smile
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 23 Sep, 2014 07:02 pm
@Eliusa,
Eliusa wrote:

But financial part came up like 'you still keep half of what you have but you live happy'...wrong?


that can be quite different by jurisdiction.

best for both of you to talk to accountants as well as lawyers before making any sudden moves (especially if either/both of you think you'll be leaving the marriage with half of the assets of the couple you are in)

A friend of mine was planning to leave her husband many years ago - til the lawyer told her she'd have to maintain her husband in the family home at the same time she was supporting herself and the kids. She was the primary breadwinner. She is still married to H years later. Miserable and married.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 23 Sep, 2014 07:03 pm
@melissabenedict,
I am glad that you are taking some steps to try and make yourself happy - for yourself.

I wish you the very best - and hope you'll still come by here and chat/visit/ask questions.
melissabenedict
 
  2  
Reply Wed 24 Sep, 2014 09:20 am
@Eliusa,
Say he decides to divorce his wife, everything they have is joint, she will go for his retirement account and everything he has. They built a life together, to spend their golden years together. Normally, the wife gets to keep everything, the house and the husband has to pay spousal support. His oldest son just started college, his other son still is a teenager.

Granted, all these things are material items, but he worked hard for them. Plus the backlash from his family and friends. He is not in any type of misery. He's not the typical male that tells me "my wife nags me, she won't give me sex, we don't talk, we sleep in separate rooms, I can't stand her, we're together for the kids". He does not use any of those excuses, he says he is honest to God happy with his wife and loves her. What am I? He says "exciting and fun". Great, get a puppy!
0 Replies
 
adele123
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Sep, 2014 06:34 am
Well I had the same problem as you. I know, I know a lot of questions, I was confused. But I finally found my answers. In a non-comformist way maybe, but it worked for me. And now I feel ...well not perfect, but at least I found my peace
Eliusa
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Sep, 2014 07:26 am
@adele123,
Would you tell more please? Thanks
0 Replies
 
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Sep, 2014 11:13 am
@Germlat,
That's the big problem, why do I allow myself to settle for less? My appointment is October 7, I hope I can make it!

Thank you for your support!
0 Replies
 
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Sep, 2014 11:21 am
@ehBeth,
I can't remember the last time I felt like I deserved something good. I'm the type of person that when something good comes, 5 bad things come back, so I avoid the good. I'm sure there is a psychological term for that. It reminds me of my childhood, I would try to be so good for my mom, to be a good little girl, but one time I would mess up and WHAM, none of what I did was good enough. I always thought when I left hone and became an adult the things that happend would go away and I'd be magicallay transformed. I've talked to people that told me "You need to forgive and forget, it's in the past" but it made me who I am, I can't just wave a magic wand and change that. But now I realize for my own mental health, if I don't learn how to change it, I am going to pass this on to my children, who deserve so much better.

I will need everyone's help on this thread, that have been supportive (even though I'm a big baby and what I am doing is wrong). Maybe my thoughts, on the loss of humanity in people, will change.
0 Replies
 
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Sep, 2014 11:23 am
@adele123,
I would like to hear also!
0 Replies
 
melissabenedict
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Sep, 2014 02:13 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
You give me so much to think about, in a completely different way. I've saved a lot of the conversations between the man and I. Questions I've asked him as to why we're together. Although he gave me answers, I either ignored them or didn't believe them, or they hurt too much to hear.

Even if his wife found him "safe", they must have fallen in love at some point. I get to see her Facebook and she'll put "My husband cleaned my car today, so lucky to have him after all these years". She posts places they go, they go somewhere every weekend together.

Why can't he get gain things from his wife? Why can't his ego be fed from his wife? It's very apparent he loves her, he surprised her with tickets to her favorite band last weekend. These are expressions of love, doing things with and for your spouse. What is he not getting from her, that he gets from me? It's not sex, I know they still have sex together. He doesn’t have self-esteem issues, whatever he is looking for could be obtained from the woman he loves. It's not like they don't talk to each other, all he has to say to her is "Honey, I've been feeling such and such lately and I need your help". She would do it in a heartbeat.

How can I have a big heart when what I am doing is so wrong? I don't want to hurt his wife, but if she ever found out, it would be devastating for her and their family. I don't hate my husband, but this would hurt him also. I also realize that if his wife ever did find out, that he would probably beg for her forgiveness and she would take him back, and I would never be thought of again. I've read enough of those stories too.

We are co-workers, so yes, I work. We work at 2 different locations, same company. We've both worked for the same company for years, but they changed policy and we wound up doing the same job and had to communicate in order to get our jobs done. At first it was just communication through IM on the computer, then it was phone calls (work related), then to more personal things, family, spouse, friends.

"You can't sleep with someone you are not attracted to and you can't continue if it's purely sex, there has to be a bond of sorts, relationship of sorts... " Does that go for men too?

" I have no doubt he has "some" feelings for you as we can and do for "best friends"… Do you know this guy?! That's what he tells me "You're my best friend". Why isn't his wife his best friend?

Recently, I met a guy, single, my age, he's divorced with no children. We talked for 6 weeks, emails, texts, phone calls, we decided to meet. He told me everything I wanted to hear from the above man. He knew I was married with children, he is good looking, sweet, has a job, we have the same interests. It was all wonderful and for a while took my mind of the situation I'm in. He made me feel confident, secure, and special. We decided to meet. I spent the day with him, he took me out to lunch, opened the doors for me, held my hand, told me how beautiful I looked. This is the type of guy I have longed for, felt I could never find. After sleeping with him, I felt disgusted, like I needed to take a shower in acid. We had planned to spend 2 days together, I cancelled the second day and lied to him that I couldn't make it. He had drove 7 hours to meet me. Can you give me insight on that one?

I'm exhausted from this, from being in this, and I see no end of the road, no light. Even if I do get help, which I've gone to therapy many times, I don't know if I can get there. I swear I search for chaos, right before this thing started with him. I remember sitting on the front porch with my husband and I looked at him and I said "Honey, I am happy". At the time things were going good between him and I, and I felt content. Even the first time the man said we should meet for lunch and we planned it, I cancelled, now look where I’m at.

Again, thank you for your time.
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Sep, 2014 03:01 pm
@melissabenedict,
You can make a decision to choose someone that you believe will look after you, care, love and over time fall in love with that person.

I imagine Melissa, that you haven't been happy in years. The partner you chose to be your Husband was never the right choice and perhaps you didn't believe you deserved better but now, you've seen this from two guys not one, that being that they find you beautiful, alive, sexy, one guy drove 7 hours to see you.. Does that not tell you that you can find someone for you? Like this guys wife has? Having said that, I don't know the other guys intentions as he knows you are married / knew. But he was/is single.. He was/ is ready for a relationship from the look of it. Why did you feel disgusting? You feel in my opinion that you cheated on this guy, not your husband but your Co-worker. Can you see the Irony in that?

Quote:
What he is looking for could be obtained from the woman he loves


Ask him that. Because the reality is, he could. He said you are exciting, fun. Perhaps he likes having two women in love with him. Perhaps you are move adventurous than her. Perhaps he just likes having someone waiting for him, can't wait to see him. Perhaps he started because he missed out on dating a lot of girls and is too greedy to now let go.

You don't believe in yourself. If you did, you would be able to know in your heart and you do have a good heart, that you could have ended up with this single guy and left your husband, or any single guy but you unfortunately have strong feelings for this guy, that bond. So you can't walk away until you begin to feel he is using you and start to despise him and then really see the reality of it.

As I said, there is no doubt he has "some" feelings for you but he loves his wife. You love him and have "some" feelings maybe for your Husband. That poses the question. Why stay married to the man you are with who you don't love and perhaps who was not what you were after. If you were to set yourself free and be alone and learn to live alone you'd learn to find yourself and all the things you missed out in life and perhaps this Co-worker would not look as appealing to you anymore.

I also suggest that he tells you things that he wouldn't discuss with his wife. That's how it all started didn't it? Personal information, sharing things that you would not have expected to be shared. It's a different type of bond and then lust got involved, he's still lusting, you are loving.

If you felt content with your husband and was happy once and if he is of good character now, why can't you have that again with him?

All you both are doing is, taking from someone else what you haven't got within your lives. For the Co-worker it could be the adventure, naughtiness, risk taking, lust. For you it could be nice words, hugs, smiles and a good intimacy.

Both of you can get that from your other half. I'd even suggest if you were to leave, after a while this guy would either try to get some of those things from his wife or find a new mistress.

Why not start with talking about your husband with us, for a bit, instead of this Co-Worker. How you two met, some good things about the two of you, how it is at home now, whether you have any love for him.

0 Replies
 
LoveCollette
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 Aug, 2015 03:39 pm
@maxdancona,
You really are an ass.
0 Replies
 
misslny
 
  0  
Reply Thu 17 Aug, 2017 12:14 am
@maxdancona,
i agree with you jespah. but you can tell by her reply that she has no clue about what makes people tick. you can love someone and BE with them forever...but you will be attracted to others. it is hard not to cheat
0 Replies
 
SpiceATX
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 19 Aug, 2020 04:05 pm
@maxdancona,
As a neuroscientist, I venture to correct. Biology plays a significant role. Some individuals are genetically wired for monogamy like penguins, swans, and wolves are. Others are wired for polyamory and multiple sexual partners. Beyond spiritual and cultural conditioning, often biometrics swings the bat of determination.
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Aug, 2020 11:38 am
@Eliusa,
I could have as well, had my husband lived. We were very happy. There was nobody but him for me. Cheating was the furthest thing from my mind.
0 Replies
 
 

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