I think you need to separate whether you will get back together from what you do about your finances.
I can even envision your getting on in life being more of a plus for your attractiveness to him. I speak outside my own view there, as you well know I think you need to move on emotionally. But never mind that, I am saying it is possible to functionally isolate the decisions.
At the least you don't know how long the denouement of the situation will take to happen for others involved in it. Your counting on things to flip back your way soon seems pretty risky financially, and they very well may not.
Short of that, you should stop grieving for some minutes at a time and deal with your situation.
This sounds mean, but grief isn't really protective.
Are you going to wait til the bank takes over? Can you refinance? A little hard if you are not working, but I am not sure you can't.
In any case, I urge you to look at ways out of your financial and emotional morass. Maybe you don't need a therapist, maybe you need a financial advisor (I say, she who is a financial fool - but that is why I can say this to you). Really, you need to get in gear here.
I've snipped this up a bit so I'll answer the parts I have quoted in sections-
1) I've been away all day because I was on the phone with work most of the day trying to figure out what happened on the paycheck and how to correct it. Before I made the phone calls, I took a little time to ask God to help me handle the situation. I guess He was listening because after talking to four people, 5 of us knew what should have happened and one person screwed it all up. They have advanced the money from the next pay so the immediate crisis is over. Thank you God. I didn't expect him to bail me out and he knows nothing.
2) I agree 100% about attractiveness. There is nothing attractive about a needy, clingy, scared, neurotic woman. The hard part is not grieving or expressing that grief to another human being. I don't think that's healthy or it will come out somewhere, sometime in some way that is negative. The harder part is forgiving myself for becoming that fearful, needy, clingy, scared, demanding, neurotic woman before the breakup. I know I wasn't the person he fell in love with and loved all these years before this happened, and knowing now about his daughter, he couldn't handle me and her dying, his new job and night classes required for it, and had to get away from me. I also know I have to find strength to not only fix me, but to set boundaries on what conditions I would want to go back to in our relationship. I'd want what we had for most of the 20 years and for his past (i.e. marriage) to be finally in the past and to be an open part of his life with his family. Those boundaries are something that are kind of fuzzy right now because I know I would never turn him away while he is going through this horrible time, grieving and needing comfort.
3) I am not counting on the situation to turn around and save the day for my finances. I'm on my own now and I have to sink or swim. I haven't had financial problems since I was in my 20's until I was forced to file bankruptcy a few years ago because of all the expenses and debt I got into with this house. I was never rich, but I was able to pay my bills. If I hadn't been suffering with depression from all the other losses in my life I may have been able to get a part time job and make extra money but when you have real clinical depression you are exhausted all the time. Bankruptcy stays on your record for 7 years and that keeps you from many options like re-financing at any decent rate.
4) I'm not counting on the situation to turn around to decide whether or not I want to move cross country or sell the house. The first few days I wanted to get in the car with the dogs and keep going and never look back on the house or anything in it. That would have been pretty stupid.
Moving without really thinking through where I would go, what I would do for income, or whether I really want to live in certain cities isn't real smart either. I'm afraid making a decision right now I would move to the wrong place for all the wrong reasons. It's another point I've learned in divorce and grief workshops/books. Never make major decisions unless you are forced to while you are grieving.
5) The last thing I want to do is hasten his daughter's death and there is no way to know whether they would stay together for a while and be immobile in grief as I have been, or if the stress of the situation will force the inevitable end of the "marriage" sooner. I put it in quotes because the marriage has been certifiably dead for years. The kids were the only common bond. With one in PVS for the rest of his life and the other dying of terminal cancer, there will be no common bonds eventually. Nothing will ever be the same for them. Death changes your whole perspective on little things and big things. Just like they can't recreate the time when the kids were little and the future was bright, they won't be able to recreate the happy times with the kids when both are gone and there is nothing to unite them- kids, dying requests, grief. Eventually life will continue. We can either die with them, or decide to live the little time we have left based on our own needs, not everyone else's or someone else's guilt trips. In the end if you aren't being true to yourself, you betray yourself more than anyone else ever could betray you. Everyone involved is going through grief and loss and a myriad of emotions. There are no "winners". I'm trying very hard to put this in God's hands as well. I pray every day that God will somehow find peace for everyone on His terms, not mine.
6) I'm finding out that you can't help anyone else if you can't help yourself and it's hard for anyone to love you if you don't love yourself. I have a long, hard road ahead trying to figure out how to do that again.
I'm taking "baby steps" as I am able. Please don't beat me up because I am still grieving for not only what I am feeling but for everyone involved, or because an anniversary brings memories of what was and what might still be. I miss him and I love him and I have a feeling no matter what happens, I will always love him.