How to handle this sex situation

Ahead of time.

and don't count on the excuse if you don't want to, might not work out that way.

You say both of them know... Rhoda knows about Mary, but does Mary know about Rhoda?

Yes, they both know about each other. Not in great detail, but they know. The only problem with saying something ahead of time is that I'm not sure what excuse I could make up. If she has three or four days to catch me in the lie, I'm afraid I'll blow it. I can't tell her that I'm seeing this other woman, even though she knows about her, because even though she knows, to have that shoved in her face might not be such a nice feeling.

Well, then you gotta decide, dude. Are you willing to give up Rhoda for a chance at Mary?

I don't buy the "performance" thing, btw. Unless my experiences have been anamalous, with a whole day intervening, that shouldn't be an issue. I think you just feel kinda yucky about it, and you need to deal with that.

Sorry if that's too blunt...

errrrrr, quick sidebar - when i hit reply, this comes up at the top under subject ... ... is this supposed to be here?


now, the sex question. errrrr, howsabout letting Rhoda know that your plans don't involve going back to your place on Thursday night. If she asks why - tell her the truth. If she knows about Mary in any case, it shouldn't make any difference to her.

hmmmm, a sex buddy is a sex buddy, not someone you're having a relationship with (or so i learned from a radio documentary a coupla weeks ago). so telling the truth is the way to go.

Soz, you are right. The Yuk factor is a part of it.

Ehbeth. I don't know why you're getting that message or whether it should be there. Other than that, I'm not sure if I can tell her the truth. I have a feeling Rhoda will feel like I'm picking Mary over her. Even though she knows, isn't that kind of a slap in the face?

hmmmmm, does Rhoda realize that she's just a sex buddy, or does she think she has a relationship with you?

Oh no Rhoda is not not not that one chick...??!

Oh geez, now you're going to get me into the history of it all here.

Okay, I used to go out with Rhoda. This was almost a year ago. At the time, she was on a very intense quest to find the perfect guy to marry and have kids with, which I knew I'd never be. She is also a very jealous girl. I don't know how I got her to agree to this whole arrangement in the first place. I just remember how upset she was when I broke up with her. Then, after a little while, she decided that she could live with just having fun every once in awhile. But it's been awhile now, and she is starting to ask me to do things more and more lately. So I don't want her to get back into the "girlfriend" mindset, but I think she might be starting to do that a little bit. It's a fine line I'm walking here with her.

Soz, what are you asking there? Are you asking if it's the other one that I have asked for advice on before? The one I was friends with? No, it's not her. That didn't turn out so good, by the way.

OK, great, I'm glad it's not her. Sorry it didn't turn out well, though.

I think you need to settle things with Rhoda before you can go forward with Mary, Mr. Grant.

Soz, do you mean I should end it with Rhoda? Maybe I could set her up with Ted.

Kicky - just cancel your plans entirely for thursday night - that's what I'd do. That way you don't really have to explain the sex thing.

K, I wish I could do that. Maybe I can. I am just afraid that she is going to flip out if I cancel totally. I don't know. It's tough, because she gets so crazy sometimes. Aaarrgh!!! This is driving me crazy!

ok, a crazy, jealous sex buddy is not a sex buddy. Sounds like she's a girlfriend-wanna-be.

Well, she might be, but I've been able to keep this thing going for quite a long time without too many problems. Maybe it's time I just ended the whole thing. Aaah, I give up for tonight. I'm going to have to sleep on it. Thanks for the advice.

I agree with littlek.

And I also think you need to fess up with Rhoda about the truth. If there is no other time you are honest with her, you need to be when you end the sex thing altogether with her. But if you're honest with her about this Thursday, you can segue into calling it quits on the sex thing with her too. (Or vice versa.)

I guess I'm answering this from my point of view. I'd want honesty over some excuse that smells like an excuse. Also, regarding Rhoda, if she was on this intense hunt for a hubby and kids a year ago, are you sure she isn't still expecting that with you? It's too bad you got roped into this whole casual sex thing with her 'cause I think it might be giving her false hope. From what you've described, I'd nip this in the bud as soon as possible. Would you be interested in a friendship with this girl? Or are you considering just dropping her altogether?

Ooo, a few more posts have gone by since I started typing my last one.

I think you would be doing both you and Rhoda a favour by ending things, and maybe ending it completely. If she's someone you could see yourself being friends with, I'd definitely put forward the effort because it will likely be easier for her to go from a sex buddy to friend than to go from sex buddy to not being in your life at all.

Chickens they come home to roost. I have grown fonder of truth, not only for truth, but its usefulness. Truth or quiet.

Kinder in the long run. People sometimes don't just go away (but then you know that) Rhoda is apt to be a problem. The current association is, I'm guessing, just temporizing for her. She probably gets it that you don't care thaaat much, but it may be what caring you show may be more than she is used to, or..... maybe not. Given past jealousy indications, huh. Chickens in your front yard.

Personally I see this as two separate situations. You could do better for yourself - not in the sense of a better person than Rhoda, because in the long run, Rhoda may be a fine person with a great heart (I dunno), but better in the way of not getting into using, being careful of that, which isn't easy, since even the most thoughtful do use each other sometimes.
I think you should treat Rhoda straight, knowing as I say this that she will probably be angry or hurt or both. I don't mean be bluntly mean. Express all the regard you can muster and mean it.

I think an excuse and then not calling again, avoiding calls from her, etc., is meaner.

And I don't know what you should tell Mary. Depends on who Mary is, exactly. She might be able to take the whole truth, especially if you have made the speech to R. In any case, don't lie. (never mind morals, it isn't useful in the long run, and saves psychic energy, saying this only half tongue in cheek.)