so lost

Sand, hello.

It is all a mix, we have hormones raging at various times in our life, and biochemical pathways varying for everybody somewhat, and natural realignments happening as we grow to adulthood (even older adults are growing, news that was new to me at the time).

I don't know if your particular situation is from your present body chemistry, but that is surely worth looking at, or not.

Geez, move on and check it out. What are you afraid of?
People at the higher levels of any facility associated with a university usually (well, what do I know, I don't guarantee anyone) but usually understand your problems.

Sand--

You're using your vacation time for some valuable self-discovery. "I think, therefore I am," is productive. "I drink, therefore.....I may not be happy and content with myself..." is less pithy but equally wise.

Quite possibly for you "normal" is "not happy". Perhaps in the genetic lottery you were dealt an unfortunate combination/shortage/excess of chemical compounds.

Consider making that call to the health center. Your counselor there would be an expert in the emotional life of the late teens/early-twenties student. S/he would be able to suggest to you some places for you to start looking for answers. You'd be seeing a guide, not a bully.

Good luck.

that was actually written when i was drunk and feeling smart.....this time i'm drunk and feeling alone...but not really...alone more in the personal relationship then friends....but i don't know...i'm gonna go and i don't know watch t.v. maybe....i don't know....but like caprice likes to think i don't have a problem i'm just like angel eyes...so i shouldn't be writting...so whatever

Sand--

Until you decide that you do have a problem and that you want to deal with that problem, nothing will happen.

You will continue being unhappy; self-medicating with alcohol; feeling unworthy of love and frightened to tell anyone face to face that you are not the person you hope to be.

I don't mind listening, but I'm not going to tell you that you are the Queen of the May and everything in your life is hunky dory.

Help is available--but you have to make the phone call.

Good luck.

god, things were going so good! I was happy, everything was going good. My school work was getting done, things were going well with my friends, i actually felt like i belonged...but then this past week i started slipping. but i tried so hard not to let that happen. I kept telling myself...no thats not how they really feel, they do like you, its just all in your head. SO STOP IT! and get out there and hang out. And i kept doing it...and now here sat night/sunday morning...how ever u want to put it, i'm here in my room crying, wishing i had someone to talk to, but everyone else is in bed.
People always think i'm weak, because i don't make decisions and don't like to do things on my own. But if i'm so weak then why can everyone come to me with their problems and expect me to be able to give them advice and not expect me to want to talk to them...but...maybe i don't let them know...so agrivated...
and i don't care if u guys respond or not, this was just a way to get things out for me, with out going off on one of my friends who don't deserve this.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
blah...i wish that made me feel better...

Posting here isn't helping you.

If you are truly in dire straits, you know what to do. Everyone who has responded to you has said the same thing. It doesn't make sense that you wouldn't see a professional.

When I was in school, I went through some rough times. I felt like I had nowhere to turn. It was incredibly difficult to make an appointment with a counsellor. I felt as if all eyes were on me when I walked across campus to the student counselling office. I felt someone might "find out". But I did it because I couldn't deal with the alternative of not going. And all the worst case scenarios I had built up in my mind never happened.

Since everyone's support here and all their kind words have not impacted on you enough to seek help, what will?

Sand--

You wouldn't keep checking in if you didn't want us to repeat our good advice.

Obviously you are still frightened of starting steps to change yourself, but you are beginning to admit that you are not happy as you are.

You might want to explore this website:

http://www.dbsalliance.org/

Everyone here is saying, "Sand you have a problem. At DBS there will be people saying we have a problem. Having a pseudovirtual support group of your peers may give you the gumption to call the student health center.

Meanwhile, keep checking in. I'm happy to know that you are alive--although I wish you were not miserable.

Hang together.

Sand,

Glad to see you are still here. I'm glad I am still here to read your messages as I let my depression go and nearly committed suicide. I'll never forget that night I stood with a handfull of pills in my hand thinking it was the way out of my problems, my pain. It wasn't planned, but for a few split seconds, I was ready to die. I still don't know why I didn't follow through.

I understand more than you know the fears of going to a shrink, getting meds, having people find out, etc. Our society still holds a stigma to mental illness, and that's what depression is, it's an illness. This is a physical problem that can be corrected!

What happens is when you are depressed your brain cannot produce enough of the chemical serotonin. Serotonin is normally produced but we don't keep it in our system, each day we release any excess. When you are under stress, it takes more serotonin than normal to keep up the balance of well being. Stress, loss, sadness that lasts more than a few weeks can turn deadly. When there is not enough serotonin your brain does not function normally. Logical thinking does not always take place.

As depression turns more severe, or drags on for months, years, the disease is one that you can NOT pull out of on your own. When someone who is depressed says they can't do any better, they are telling the truth. If they could, they would, but it's the disease that won't allow them to do it. You start to feel trapped, no way out of the difficulties, start to feel like it will never end, that you will never be happy again. They are all illogical thoughts, but at the time they seem rational because of the screwed up brain chemistry. Many people commit suicide not because of the problems they experiece, but to escape the mental pain and anguish of living without hope. The really sad part is a lot of people never see it coming. They think they can handle it, they think they are ok, but when the brain chemicals are in inbalance, it's really an illusion.

There is no shame in therapy or medications. It takes a lot of strength and courage to open up and admit there is a problem you can't handle on your own. Society teaches us how we have to be "adults" and handle everything responsibly on our own, but many times that is not possible.

Therapists help you sort out issues in your life that you can't seem to resolve. Their job is to help people to find their own answers. They don't tell you what to do. They just make you think and get you to challenge yourself to make your life better.

Meds are sometimes a good thing. Just like you take cold medicine when you have a cold, anti-depressants help your brain to get better. Sometimes you only need them for a little while.

Who to tell? I would only tell my closest friends and family. You'd probably be surprised to find out some of your friends or family may have suffered from the same illness at some time in their life. They love you and care about you and will support you.

Don't tell your employer unless you need some sort of special accomodation because of the illness. Depression is covered by ADA laws but from my own experience, I will tell you that once your employer knows you have/had depression, they start walking on eggshells around you and treating you different. It's that stigma thing. If you need time off to go to the doctor, your therapist can supply you with documentation. Nobody needs to know what your medical condition is. They cannot ask you for anything more than documentation you are seeing a doctor.

I think your posting here is a cry for help. You want to connect with someone that might understand, someone that can offer encouragement and support. I would suggest you see a therapist or counselor. If you don't like the first one, don't feel comfortable, see someone else. Take the first step and at least try it.

Lastly, you have nothing to be ashamed of by seeking treatment! Even if you sometimes think you want to end it all, nobody is going to lock you up in a mental ward unless you check yourself in, or if you demonstarte you are a threat to your own safety or somebody else's.

If you decide not to go, at least promise us that if you ever feel that much despair and depression that you want out of life, you'll head to the nearest emergency room and say you need help. (Hint- if you seek treatment, you are in full control and can leave at any time!) I don't sense you are there yet, but as I said, depression has a way of sneaking up on you and getting worse without realizing it.

I hope you'll give serious thought to talking with a therapist or counselor. Even if it turns out you don't have a chemical imbalance, sometimes having a professional ask the right questions is all you need to help you get things back on track.

If you need to talk privately, feel free to PM me.

BTW, if you begin to think people that seem to have it all together are all happy, remember all of these people (and lots more) suffer from depression:

Louie Anderson - comedian, actor
Oksana Baiul - ice skater
Rona Barrett - reporter, author
Samuel Becket d. - writer
Menachem Begin d. - Prime Minister (Israel)
Clara Bow d. - actress
Cheyenne Brando d. - actress
Marlon Brando - actor
Barbara Bush - former First Lady (US)
Truman Capote d. - writer
Drew Carey - actor, comedian
Jim Carrey - actor, comedian
Lawton Chiles d. - US Senator, Florida Governor
Winston Churchill d. - Prime Minister (UK)
Dick Clark - TV personality (US)
Kurt Cobain d. - musician
Ty Cobb d. - pro baseball player
Calvin Coolidge d. - US President
Billy Corgan - musician
Dennis Crosby d. - actor
Sheryl Crow - musician
Rodney Dangerfield - comedian, actor
Sandra Dee - actress
Ellen DeGeneres - comedienne, actress
John Denver d. - musician
Tony Dow - actor, producer, director
Harrison Ford - actor
Judy Garland d. - singer, actress
James Garner - actor
Mariette Hartley - actress
Juliana Hatfield - musician
Hampton Hawes d. - musician
Ernest Hemingway d. - writer
Margaux Hemingway d. - actress
Audrey Hepburn d. - actress
Anthony Hopkins - actor
Janet Jackson - musician
Billy Joel - musician
Elton John - musician
Franz Kafka d. - writer
Danny Kaye d. - actor, comedian
Jessica Lange - actress
John Lennon d. - musician, artist
Jack London d. - writer
Greg Louganis - Olympic diver
Courtney Love - musician
Rod McKuen - writer
Carmen Miranda d. - dancer, actress
Claude Monet d. - artist
Marilyn Monroe d. - actress, singer
Alanis Morissette - musician
Vaslov Nijinksy d. - dancer, choreographer
Richard M. Nixon d. - US President
Deborah Norville - TV journalist (US)
Sinead O'Connor - musician
Laurence Olivier d. - actor
Eugene O'Neill d. - writer
Donny Osmond - musician
Dorothy Parker d. - writer, poet
Dolly Parton - musician
General George S. Patton d. - US Army
Teddy Pendergrass - musician
Sylvia Plath d. - writer
Jackson Pollock d. - artist
Cole Porter d. - composer
Bonnie Raitt - musician
Lou Reed - musician
Joan Rivers - comedienne
Roseanne (Barr, Arnold) - actress, comedienne
Amelia Rosselli d. - poet
Mark Rothko d. - artist
Yves Saint Laurent - fashion designer
Monica Seles - pro tennis player
Paul Simon - musician
Phil Spector - music producer
Diana Spencer d. - Princess of Wales
Rod Steiger - actor
James Taylor - musician
Toulouse-Lautrec d. - artist
Spencer Tracy d. - actor
Hunter Tylo - actress
Vivian Vance d. - actress
Kurt Vonnegut - writer
Mike Wallace - TV journalist (US)
Damon Wayans - actor, comedian
Tennessee Williams d. - writer
Hugo Wolf d. - composer
Tom Wolfe - writer
Ed Wood d. - movie director
Natalie Wood d. - actress
Tammy Wynette d. - musician
Boris Yeltsin - former Russian President
Robert Young d. - actor

The only thing that i'm confused is that all the information i've read and quizes i've taken on depression and bipolar, they say i don't have it, i know thats not the same thing as going to see some one, but i don't know, i just would feel so stupid to go there, and they tell me, no there's nothing wrong with me, i'm just going through normal teen stuff.
And i don't even have time to go see someone, i have so much homework for my classes, and i just started a mini course on thursday, i'm getting buried.
I don't know, i guess i'm having kind of a low night, i should just go to bed before i start thinking about things to much. but then again i'm not tired, so i don't know

Oh, good grief, just go and talk with them.

why do i even bother coming back here

You are probably more comfortable talking with us, is why.
And of course we are still here listening.

But people who can help and who are much more handy to you are easily available, as we keep pointing out. I don't think any of us posting here think you need to fear going to them, and we want you to feel comfortable doing that.

Sand--

I had replied to your post this morning and the message was lost during the A2K switch to a new server. Sorry about that.

You keep coming back to A2K because you've found a group of imperfect people who accept you as an imperfect person. We're willing to spend some time and energy trying to convince you that you could be a happier person--and that perfection is not necessary.

Believe me, the Student Health Center is not going to turn you away because you are not a certified, documented crazy. They are not going to say, "Sorry, Sand. We don't think you are important enough to help. Besides, your problems are smaller than some other peoples' problems. Furthermore, the school year is drawing to a close and we don't care about the rest of your life."

Someone here pronounced you "Bipolar". This person was trying to be helpful, but "helpful" doesn't equal "accurate". The "Bipolar" label doesn't increase your happiness or reduce your problems.

You are a valuable person and worthy of being helped. Now, please consider picking up the phone and getting some help.

Where does it say that counsellors only deal with those who are depressed or have a psychological disorder of some kind?



If I were in your shoes, I would feel relieved to be told I was just going through "normal" teen stuff. Regardless of what they say, you would be asking for help and they will give you that. I thought you were older? Not a teen?



If nothing else, a counsellor will help you to deal with the stress of classes and point you in the direction of how to manage your time better.

Everyone here has urged you to get help for yourself.
But you resist.
I get the distinct impression you come here for sympathy and a shoulder (of sorts) to cry on.
And if that is all you are asking for, that is fine for those who wish to give it to you.
But it will not resolve your problems.
There is nothing anyone here can say that will suddenly rid you of all your problems.
There is no one who can snap their fingers and make all the bad stuff disappear.
Aren't you tired of typing out your woes when you could be getting help to deal with these problems constructively?
Don't you want to be a happy person and enjoy your life?
Or do you prefer to live your life as you are doing right now?

I honestly cannot understand why, when you HAVE the resources available to you, you do not take advantage of them.

You see, sand, traffic signs show the direction and distance - but they don't go/drive there!

That's not what counselors do. They talk to you about helping you sort through things, no matter what they are. Millions of adults go to them going through normal adult stuff. If you ask me, you're stupid relying on quizes. Try it once. If you hate it, don't go back!

Life is complicated and sometimes we are overwhelmed. Therapists are non judgemental and there to help you find out what is best for you.

so i figure since i've written in other peoples posts i should prob. write in mine. i never did go see a counselor, but things have been better. Of course i still have some low moments, but they haven't been that bad, and i've been in a better mood. As for the drinking, i have cut down a lot on that. I haven't gotten drunk in a really long time...i just don't see the need for it any more.
As for other things, i have a week left of regular classes then finals, and on May 11th, i turn 21...i dunno not to excited about that...maybe cause past b-days here haven't been great cause of finals...i dunno...but we shall see.
but i think thats it for now...night all and hope everyone has a great day tomorrow!!!

Sand--

Glad that your life is a little brighter. Springtime is a hopeful time of year, particularly for people afflicted (as I am) with S.A.D.--Seasonal Affective Disorder.

SAD people turn very gloomy during winters of short days and long nights. The treatment is light. I have a special light box--which Mr. Noddy built--but light fixtures are available commercially.

You might check this out while you have some energy. Light could help.