Once a Cheater I guess is always a Cheater in my case

Logically, it makes no sense to lose BOTH.





David

I guess I should give you all some background information that I initially went to a shrink for 20 years ago. Long story short, I was raised by my uncle and aunt. My mother died at an early age from a heroin overdose. My uncle was the one I was blood related to. They raised me from 5 years old to 18. My aunt was very beautiful. We started fooling around when I was about 12 and then had sex all the time. She hid it from my uncle the whole time. He never found out. Weirdly, she still had sex with my uncle and I knew about it. I never got jealous. When I went to college, she would frequently come to see me and stay a few days. She always said that it was okay for us to have sex, as long as nobody knew. I'm not going to get descriptive, no need.
But my newer shrink tried to relate what I was doing now to what happened then.

Hm, could be, since you never had a mother figure so to speak of and the only woman around you while growing up, took advantage of you. Having sex with a 12 year old is pretty sick. My advice to you would be, look for a shrink that addresses your childhood experience and go from there. Clearly you use women as a tool to release your sexual needs. Not once have you said that you love either your wife or your girlfriend, it's just a matter of convenience to you in both cases and if you're truly honest to yourself, you won't have much heartache letting go of both of them.

Work on yourself and your unresolved issues before complicating your life even further. All it will get you is probably a heart attack the way you're burning the candle on both ends.

My first shrink, when I was 24 or so, worked through the sexual abuse thing with me. My aunt really wasn't ever a mother figure. She was a big drinker and partier. To me, in my mind, I was never sexually abused. I was willing at 12 and I initiated it once we started having sex. She initially did, but after that, I didn't want it to stop. I also didn't stop her from driving 200 miles to see me in college. She would spend the night and we would have a lot of sex. My friends thought she was my girlfriend. Back then she could pass for being in her late 20's even though she was in her 40's. I have spent 10's of thousands of dollars on shrinks. BTW, yes I think I love my wife and my Girlfriend. I have feelings for both. My first shrink told me that I was effected badly by my Aunt. My latest shrink to me that I objectify women because of it. I do get jealous to a point, which I didn't with my aunt. If my Girlfriend says some guy is flirting with her, I boil and want to go kick his ass. Same thing with the wife. I feel the same way. I guess I am territorial with both of them. I never had any feelings for my aunt. She was a sexual object to me.

Funny that you've spent thousands on shrinks an none could help you. Perhaps your selection process is a bit off in that department too.

Or perhaps everyone, himself included, knows what the problem is, what needs to happen to fix it, and that's where all progress generally ends.

Oh well, I guess you get what you pay for. Wait, this advice was free. I get it.

Again, what 'advice' are you looking for?

Any Advice. I was hoping someone would have been in my shoes at one time. I would love to know the outcome or what they did in my situation. When I started writing this, I had basically given up on doing anything. I thought about helping this along and making a move, but just by what I have read, I know what I should do. The thing is, will I do what I should. I just don't know.

How can anyone have any doubt
on THAT point???????


That 's like speculating as to whether u feel thirsty or not.
If u feel it, then u have it;
if u don't consciously feel love, then u don't love them.
It is impossible for there to be any mystery on that point; yes ????





David

Have you ever tried hypnotherapy? You say that your Aunt was "beautiful" that you knew what you were doing, that she did not abuse you but you don't like her... Yet you are possessive over both of the women in your life.

You have been given two completely different diagnosis's... One of them has rung true as you state " I know what I should do"...

At 12, 13... When you were a "child" so yes she did abuse you... Did you worry about losing her? Her leaving you?

At 24.. Did you believe that any woman that would be with you, one day would leave you?

Is it possible that you have two, through fear that one may leave you.....



But, then...... You are 45, married for 23 years, which made you 22, when you had the best sex ever, referring to the thread regarding the "neighbour, does she want sex? " So you cheated on your wife way back then too?

Yes, I was in your shoes at one point. I felt like a total asshole but felt EXACTLY the way you feel now about both. Turns out I was a total asshole with **** morals who didn't care for anyone other than myself and my own needs. I damn near ruined my life with it, ruined the girl's life and it took me years to regain my wife's trust.

I'm now MUCH happier for having made the decision I made, my wife and I are still very much in love and happily married. Our marriage has never been stronger and all the dirty laundry is out.

So as I said before, man up, stop being a piece of self-serving meat, pick a relationship and focus on it. I doubt that you'll regret it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing if both women know the score, but this is getting a tad boring so this is the last time I'll visit this post. I don't care what you do, what you did, or what you're going to do - I don't even know you, so whatever, buddy.

Good Advice. Finally it is making sense. Dumping the girlfriend is probably the answer and focusing on my marriage seems to be the route to go. I'm gonna have hell to pay for this. It will probably end up bad. And yes, I have had many affairs on my wife. She has caught me before. When we first got married I was seeing a much older woman for about a month. Then there has probably been ten or so other short term affairs. The Girlfriend now was the most serious relationship since I was married. My Aunt also overlapped my marriage a little. She didn't want me to get married and said she was willing to leave my uncle if I didn't. I had no feelings for her so I said no. But we still met for Sex about once a month for a year or so after I got married. Also, I realize that just having my wife will free up some time. My businesses are really taking off again and I probably need to focus on them more. Thanks for all your wisdom and believe it or not, a couple of you got through to me. I'll give credit on my next post.

Questioner, you made the most sense and thanks for a little eyeopening of what could be possible.
Found Soul, I didn't fear my Aunt leaving me as a child. She was neglectful and she wasn't ever motherly at all when I was real young. I was in her way and she resented me being in the way of her partying. When I hit puberty(which I hit real early) She changed. She started acting motherly then. But I didn't realize she was hitting on me. She would let me see her naked by "accident" and ask me to rub her back and she would rub mine, well, you can figure it out from there. No, I guess I have never had a mother figure at all. My wife worked, so she wasn't really a mother figure to my kids. I guess I was because I took care of them while I ran my business. I guess that's weird. They are all well adjusted kids though. Never had a problem out of any of them.

Well, aside from Questioner, 80 % of the responses are from women. Naturally, we see it from a different perspective than you do, that's in addition to being more mature - not necessary by chronological age but in actuality. I think your "problem" would fall on much better grounds with a 20-year old male crowd. They still battle the excessive hormone drive vs. having a true intimate relationship with just one person.

Good luck to you, you'll need it!

Dumping the girlfriend... end/quote.

I reiterate that you don't understand love. You tool people. Lose these two, and you'll tool the next. But you also hang on to what seems like plastic love.
I think I understand how you got there and don't know how to get you to step back.

IDK

You are throwing another line out there, that is, not (1) affair or even (2) as I picked up but, loads and all the while your wife accepted it.

Can you tell me why you think that is so? Why she is willing to play second best most of the time and whether you think in reality that is really fair?

Stating dumping the girlfriend so you can concentrate on work, isn't exactly the answer most would want to hear, that's another slap in the face to your wife, can you see that?

Dumping the GF is probably a slap in the face to the Wife. But she would be happy if I was just somewhat "normal" and not ever cheat on her again. I took steps yesterday to get rid of the girlfriend. Told her it was over. Now, of course, the threats have started. She is going to tell my wife. My wife thinks she is crazy, so I can lie my way out of that one. She said that she will blow up my Facebook page, but I am blocking her. Just now she texted me saying that she is killing herself. Geez. On and on. Now she claims that she is going to screw another guy tonight. Whatever. I've already been down this road with her before. She will eventually go away for about a month. Then the enevitable text will come in with her saying, "What if I just use you for sex?" The last few times I have given in, but this time I won't. The sex always turns into her wanting more. It's a slow progressive process that usually puts me in the same boat as before. This time I will resist.

Using women as tools? No. I am always nice and sweet to both of them. I'm not violent or even verbally abusive. I stay on an even keel, but that is just me. I never lose control. I guess I make women laugh. I am humble and I pick on myself and it seems to turn them on. Women describe me as a "good looking" guy. I'm not Brad Pitt hot, but I am in good shape. I am a realist though. You can't tell from my posts, but I have a strange way of looking at life. Because of my personality, women are drawn to me. Women, in my experience are mostly "backstabbers" to other women. I have a strange attraction to older women and I seem to get hit on by them alot. I'm not being cocky, this is just a fact. I was just at a convience store this morning and the lady that took my money started flirting with me. All I did was make a joke and smile and made her laugh. Then the enevitable question came up. "I bet your wife has her hands full with you, because you are so full of it" Not knowing it, I threw her a stupid funny comment saying that I was "happily married and don't you be hitting on me or we may both do something stupid we will both regret" Then she smiled and said, "Then we'll just have to keep it our little secret" It just so happens that she is probably 45ish years old and extremely attractive. Again, I'm not being cocky, but this stuff happens to me all the time. As I have aged, it has gotten worse. I mean ****, I drive a decent Chevy pickup truck that is 7 years old, but it doesn't scream that I am rich or anything. I dress down, wearing black jeans a black tee-shirt and biker boots and a lower end leather coat. I know I am definately not a "prize" because I own a mirror and consider myself just maybe above average looking . Anyway, I'm not going back to that convience store, because my penis my start doing my thinking for me again. Some say I have that "bad boy" image. Maybe middle aged women like that. I don't know. Either way, I am straightening out myself and I am going for just normalcy.