We've all got to be able to look ourselves in the eye and feel good about the things we do. For me, the few times I was propositioned by married men, as attractive as they may have been, as horny and lonely as I may have been, as much as I wanted the new apartment and the new car they offered, as perfect a setup as it may have been, my conscience wouldn't let me do it. The idea of laying down with another womans' husband outweighed everything.
Eoe
It's great that you feel good about yourself, but I feel good about myself as well. In my eyes I did nothing wrong. Everyone has their opinions on what's right and what's wrong and I respect those opinions. Many people would say that having sex without being married is wrong and whatever works for them is fine by me as long as they don't judge me for not feeling the same.
It's great that you feel good about yourself too.
Montana, how did you feel about the wife? - I am not asking in a judgemental way- I am just wondering if the "other woman" thinks about the wife.
I have been propositioned by married men and even if I thought they were a great guy before ---- after they propositioned me I really thought they were jerks.
Since I didn't know the wives, I never thought about them. Of course I knew they were there, but there were no feelings attached. Just so you have a better perspective of where my thoughts were at the time, I also thought these guys were jerks for cheating on their wives and if you ever see some of my many posts on this forum, you'll know that I can't stand people who cheat. Anyway, it was purely physical for me with no emotional attachment. I was sexually attracted to these men who always made the first move, so we were simply using eachother. I did know these men before I slept with them, so you could say that we were friends in a way.
I agree Lola. In my case, I simply didn't want a relationship at the time.
eoe
We haven't bumped into each other much, so let me just say hi first.
This dilemma, like so many of the dilemmas we sometimes face in our dealings with other (quite hurtable) humans, can seem fairly simple and straightforward...until something happens which places you in a new and previously unimagined situation.
I had always shared the same moral/ethical notion which you speak of above...one does not mess around with another who is in a committed relationship (marriage wasn't the criterion for me, but rather just the agreement of monogamy and thus the secretive consequence in violation). And I actually managed to get through my 56th year with this moral standard intact, though there were lots of opportunities, and a few raised eyebrows from some male friends who thought me a little silly or idealistic for holding this idea.
And other than one incident in high school, I've not been unfaithful with girl/lady friends either.
Further, I've been married but once, and that relationship ended when my ex met another and did rude things she was only supposed to be doing with me (to be fair, she fell in love, and she and I remain close). But I tell that to indicate I've been on the ouch side of this. It hurt big then, but the retrospective view later was marked by not merely coming to terms with the change, but seeing how it was a good thing - not delusionally, but actually. As good as some parts of our relationship were, other parts weren't, and the redirection allowed both of us to grow in new ways. I would not turn back that clock.
One of the ironies of all this is that if we, as a culture, insist all marriages or relationships must remain intact to avoid the hurt that can be engendered in break ups, we place women back into the situation they faced when considered as property of the male - no way out. And we put males into the same restraint.
It's messy, this life thing.
Interesting how this discussion is pushing me further and further to understanding why I don't respect married people who begin other relationships while married.
I don't think people should stay in relationships which are not working for them. That is a definite no-brainer. But ... I do think that people should have enough respect for the people they are married to, to end that relationship before considering beginning another. I know that I would be/am uneasy about getting involved with someone who didn't have that minimal level of respect/honesty in a previous relationship. I don't think I could ever truly trust that person.
ebBeth- I totally agree. I think that by the time you are having sex with someone you are not married to- you have decided that the marriage is over. At least the marriage that was intended. If you loved someone enough to marry them shouldnt you ( out of respect for the person or for the promise) let them know that it is over?
Ditto what ehbeth and beebo said above but let me add this. Life isn't messy, blathan. People are. They create messes out of selfishness, out of laziness, a lack of self-control or just general nogoodness and they want to hedge their bets, hold onto this in case that doesn't work, or just have their cake and eat it too. Generations of men were raised to believe that this is what MEN do and it's been going on since day one and it will continue to go on as long as people have such little respect for marriage in general and the vows that were taken in particular. And give less than a damn about the person they married.
We can debate this forever, as pointless as it is, but as a married woman in control of what and who I do, I can say with utmost certainty that I would never cheat on my husband. Under any circumstances. Never. I'd leave him first.
Yep. I've discussed this a few times before so don't really have anything new to say, but wanted to register my agreement with eoe's last lines.
Total agreement with eoe and sozobe.
As low of an opinion some of you may have of me now, I have never been unfaithful to any man I've had a relatiobnship with, nor will I ever. I also agree that if you are unhappy enough with someone to cheat on them, you should leave them first. Like Blatham, I've been on the cheated side of a relationship and know the hurt that it causes which is the main reason why I'm very reluctant to get seriously involved with someone these days.
I was done with this discussion but I've got to ask you this. If you know the pain of being cheated on, why would you sleep with another womans' husband and be party to inflicting that kind of pain on someone else?
The few married men that I did sleep with were sleeping with other people as well, so what they were doing was already done before I came along.
Take some responsibility for your actions, Montana. Your earlier posts seem to say that you found nothing wrong in your affairs with married men so stay with that. Don't start wiggling now.
Something I thought of before the latest exchange, wanted to get down:
I have a pretty high tolerance for ambiguity. I have very high standards for a romantic partner -- fairly high standards for very close friends -- but have many friends who do things that might dismay me (just as I do things that dismay them.)
So I want to separate out that for myself, I don't think having an affair is an acceptable option, period, and I won't like it no matter who does it. But I can think of very few situations where I would end a friendship over it.
eoe wrote:Take some responsibility for your actions, Montana. Your earlier posts seem to say that you found nothing wrong in your affairs with married men so stay with that. Don't start wiggling now.
I do take responsability for my actions, thank you very much and there's no wiggling going on here. It's the married person who needs to take responsability for their actions, not I.
