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Would you forgive your partner if he/she cheated?

 
 
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 02:54 pm
Awhile ago I was in a thread about infidelity and a user named dumbwife forgave her husband for a string of affairs. My question is in the title, would you forgive your partner if he/she cheated, could you forgive them more than once even if you knew for sure that he/she wouldn't do it again, what are you reasons for forgiving or leaving? I find it very hard to trust again but thank goodness I haven't had to deal with cheating in my current relationship, I think I might forgive depending on the circumstances although I would find it very difficult but if you love someone you want to forgive them but I'm not so sure I would find it easy not to bring it up all the time and rub his face in it because it is hurtful, people who cheat often do it without considering innocents feelings and what it will do to them but that's a whole new subject.

So would you forgive a cheat or not and what are your reasons? And thanks to Dumbwife for a thought provoking subject. I'm interested in your views as I've been there on both sides but now that I'm older my values have changed, when I was younger everybody was cheating on everybody but as you get older it ruins lives especially if children are involved, some forgive a cheat for the kids sake. I'm a jealous person not overly but if a girl hit on my man she'd know about it so I would find the whole thing difficult but it does happen, why?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 27 • Views: 12,549 • Replies: 133

 
hingehead
 
  4  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 04:11 pm
@Caroline,
I wouldn't forgive, and I wouldn't expect to be forgiven, for an infidelity. I don't think there would be a massive drama but I'd pack my bags and be out, regardless of whether I was the cuckolder or cuckoldee.

Of course being childless and unmarried (both by choice) the only parties directly affected are the only parties directly involved, so I see it as a no brainer.

I'd like to think I would continue my so far impeccable record of having realised I shouldn't be in a relationship and ending it long before I started looking elsewhere, and likewise if my partner is looking elsewhere she doesn't require my presence any longer.

Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 04:41 pm
@hingehead,
That's quite logical thinking, I left a cheater I think once he'd done that, (well it was a bad relationship), but once he'd done that he went right down in my estimation and there was no turning back but if my Jules did it, because I love him and been with him so long I would try to forgive him depending on the circumstances and if I believed he wouldn't do it again, see he's not a cheater so i would be seriously thinking why and what's wrong with our relationship.

Are you young hingehead, see you got plenty of time to find someone, older married people do split but some think they are in it no matter what. I don't know, every case is different. Thanks for your response hingehead. Smile And may your relationships be fruitful.Wink
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 04:41 pm
@hingehead,
ditto
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hingehead
 
  3  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:03 pm
@Caroline,
Hi Caroline

I'm not y0ung, although that is a relative judgement. And I think I'm well past that age where it is easy to find someone else, but that wouldn't be a consideration for me.

I understand the wanting to forgive someone you love, and I'm quite sure I would bear no animus to the person, none of my previous long term relationships ended in acrimony, but it seems to me that if you cheat you are either weak-willed, stupid, unsatisfied, or lacking self-esteem. All of which are good reasons not to be in a relationship with me.
Irishk
 
  2  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:12 pm
@Caroline,
Maybe...if he lived. Twisted Evil
JTT
 
  3  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:13 pm
@Caroline,
If you truly love someone and that person does cheat on you, you'd have to be a fool not to listen to the reasons, if that person REALLY wanted to offer reasons and if that person REALLY wanted to continue the relationship.

I can't imagine how loving someone could/should/ would end solely for this reason.

Of course there are lots of possibles involved in situations like this.
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:14 pm
@hingehead,
Again thank you for the response you make some good points. Some people do forgive a partner and surely some relationships survive and go on to be happy? I just think when you love someone, when your emotions are so tied in and yes you want to work it out but on the other hand once you've been burned it is hard to look at that person with any respect, it's such a dumb thing to do but people do forgive not all go on to be successful relationships but some must do not that I've heard of anyone. Thanks hingehead.
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Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:15 pm
@Irishk,
Ha ha that's so funny, yeah when he comes back from burning in hell. Smile
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Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:17 pm
@JTT,
I totally agree with all of that. I think there's a line and when it's crossed then it's right I dont want no more of this and I think where that line is is different for everyone.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:21 pm
I figure that people who post on this haven't been through it or came out somehow bouncing away. It's like answering to a petunia question.
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:25 pm
@ossobuco,
Hi obusscco,

How do you figure that? And would you mind explaining to me what a petunia question is please?
Mame
 
  3  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:25 pm
@JTT,
What you say sounds rational but there is no justification for adultery. You have problems? Talk about it...with your wife, your counsellor, your friends or your family... but having an affair is not going to help the situation. If you want out, get out and then have your affairs.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:26 pm
@ossobuco,
Why do you think they haven't been through it or came out unaffected?
Caroline
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:28 pm
@Mame,
I was just saying that to Jules, that you got to talk about problems not keep them in because your partner will just end up resenting you because you're not being loving.
ossobuco
 
  0  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:34 pm
@Caroline,
I meant what I said, marriages of decades go through stuff on one or the other or both sides, perhaps from dispair. Those people talk about it or don't.
Are you hoping to meet a forever guy in the next few months and lymph forever?

0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:36 pm
@Mame,
by her post.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:40 pm
@Caroline,
your partner resenting you for not being loving.


Word. Say what you think and see how it goes,
maxdancona
 
  3  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:53 pm
This is an awfully naive, unrealistic and even prudish thread. Most men, and most women, admit to committing adultery.

The real question is what marriage means. Is marriage about sex? Is marriage about owning another person? The facts are that people like to have sex, and that they don't like to be with one partner over decades. This doesn't mean that the other parts of a marriage should be discarded.

I know people who have decided that their marriage meant enough to stay together after unfaithfulness. I even know a couple with a strong marriage with the agreement that they can have sex with other people (with agreed rules).

I would probably choose to keep my marriage if I found out my wife was with someone else-- I would be more worried about our relationship and our family than about the sex.

I would certainly choose forgiveness over divorce since there are lots of great things in our marriage.


ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Nov, 2010 05:57 pm
@maxdancona,
Yes, and to me, a young thread, relative to recent times. I've no idea re immediate times.
 

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