Would you forgive your partner if he/she cheated?

@JTT,

JTT wrote:

Real love doesn't die, it can't. Certainly one can be disappointed in aspects of another's behavior, even grievously so, but if love can be extirpated so quickly, was it love in the first place?

Would you shut all the doors on your mother/father/siblings if they did something awful? Is the ultimate in betrayals always the ultimate deal breaker?

How would that fulfill a promise to be there for better or for worse?

Quote:
Why do people cheat, anyway? I've never understood that.

Me neither. Millions of reason I suppose, many still looking for numero uno.

I don't think anyone can authoritatively define love, or "real love", so I'm just going to pass on that comment. Let me just say that I don't believe in unconditional love - I think that's just stupid and leaves you open to abuse.

Are you telling me you have only loved one partner in your life? If so, I can understand why you think the way you do. But most of the population, or many of us, have loved more than once indicating you can lose your love for someone.

Would I shut the doors on a family member if they did something awful? Certainly!! If they were a murdering so-and-so, a paedophile, a scam artist who ripped off needy people... there are many behaviours that disgust me and I would certainly lose my respect, love and trust for them.

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@Mame,

I agree with Mame completely. The only love I would define as unconditional is the love I have for my children. You should put conditions on romantic love - as Mame outlined above.

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@Mame,

Quote:

I don't think anyone can authoritatively define love, or "real love", so I'm just going to pass on that comment. Let me just say that I don't believe in unconditional love - I think that's just stupid and leaves you open to abuse.

You've defined "unconditional love" with your own subjective opinion. There are many who experience such a love and they don't and wouldn't consider for a moment not maintaining their own high standards.

Quote:

Are you telling me you have only loved one partner in your life? If so, I can understand why you think the way you do. But most of the population, or many of us, have loved more than once indicating you can lose your love for someone.

Yes, I'm telling you that. But that hadn't been from lack of trying or engaging. But there was no spark ever, save for that which kindles in that first meeting, often fueled by a dram or two.

I'm not even saying that one cannot leave that one true love, because again, true love can't be unconditional love. I think that the result of this "much ado about a containable problem" is much more due to the transgressee's lack of a personal sense of worth.

It's clearly a refutation of the vow to stand by even in the event of 'worse'.

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@Lash,

Quote:

The only love I would define as unconditional is the love I have for my children.

Well then, Lash and Mame, would you shut out your child because of a serious moral breach?

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@JTT,

As I said before, I would shut out a family member if they transgressed my personal moral laws. Yes, if I found my son was a murdering paedophile - absolutely. Why would I want anything to do with someone like that? I might still love him in the deep dark recesses of my being, but would I send him a file in a cake? No! If my daughter made her living from scamming off others, ick. I would temporarily disown her, for sure. I might still love her, or the her I knew, but I sure as hell wouldn't like her or help her.

And our vows said nothing about 'for better or worse'. I'm way too savvy for that nonsense.

I would vow to remain by A's side as long as he remained what I know to be A... but if he became a horrible B, that vow is invalid.

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@Lash,

Lash wrote:

At this point in my life, I would forgive a partner who cheated in the "Hey, let's occupy the Universe simultaneously" type forgiveness - and I could probably sincerely wish the hypothetical guy well - but I'd be out of the relationship.

It has to do with my time in life juxtaposed with my self-inflicted, pre-existing trust issues more than anything. I've already slogged through some pretty intense difficulty in the marital/romantic category - and I'm sort of at a point where I'd rather be alone than reprising misery. I'm not willing to donate the precious (and likely interminable) time it would take to rebuild broken trust...I'd rather be teaching English in Europe or some such life-infusing thing, rather than sitting around drowning in agony... (and the vivid imagery in my mind of my guy with another woman...I'm pretty sure I'd never recover.)

If I was younger, the answer might be different.

So, forgive: yes. Stay: no.

That would be my take as well. My partner knows that infidelity is a deal breaker for me and if he nonetheless decides to have an affair, then he is fully aware of the consequences. It's not so much the affair itself as the broken trust and me becoming suspicious and distrusting of him. That's an awful feeling to have and ultimately not something I would want to experience in any relationship. It wouldn't be worth it to me, definitely not!

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Tough question.

I'm totally convinced she would never cheat on me. Not a doubt in my mind.

But if . . .

I'd like to say that that would be the end, that I'd walk out the door and never
look back. But it's just not true. I wouldn't. I'd forgive and try to make the
best of it.

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It really is tough, George, because the situations involved can be so damn disparate.

I wonder, is this a male-female thing. I value trust and honesty and personal integrity and all those other synonymous things very highly. But I guess I have to say that those are things that I demand more of me.

I'm certainly willing to consider that there can be a failure in others. I really can't see me doing this [but then I haven't lived to the end of my days] because I haven't done it despite numerous opportunities since we parted.

And it's not a Miss Haversham [sp??] thing. I remain very close to my love and she to me. There's just no one else and very very little chance that there could ever be someone else.

It's not a matter of finding another, that in itself would be a breach of honesty and personal integrity.

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@Fido,

Yeah, it was a bad move. One I won't repeat.

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No. I'm not that good a person.

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@JTT,

JTT wrote:

It really is tough, George, because the situations involved can be so damn disparate.

I wonder, is this a male-female thing. I value trust and honesty and personal integrity and all those other synonymous things very highly. But I guess I have to say that those are things that I demand more of me.

I don't think it's a male-female thing. Soz and Freeduck are both female and expressed similar thoughts as you and George. I agree as well and learned a long time ago to never say never or always when it comes to a future event/happening. Circumstances change. Perspectives change. People mature and grow together or grow apart. Those who grow apart sometimes stay together when they shouldn't. Those who grow together sometime separate over things they might have worked through if they'd put in the effort. I don't think people should stay in bad marriages for the sake of their vows. I do think people can rediscover what it was they were attracted to and feel in love with if they both want to make the relationship work.

1 Reply

@JPB,

Quote:

I don't think it's a male-female thing. Soz and Freeduck are both female and expressed similar thoughts as you and George. I agree as well ...

You're right of course.

What I really meant was, "Is this a male/sensible female-female thing? Smile

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@JTT,

JTT wrote:

There's just no one else and very very little chance that there could ever be someone else.

It's not a matter of finding another, that in itself would be a breach of honesty and personal integrity.

I tend to feel the same way, I think. I can't be sure of the future, of course, but if anything were to happen to Mr B I don't think there would ever be another. That doesn't mean that there wouldn't be another companion some day, but I don't think I would ever love again. I don't know that I would think of it as a breach of honesty and personal integrity, but I get what you're saying.

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'but if anything were to happen to Mr B I don't think there would ever be another. "
Of course there would never be - it could never be that same thing. Never try to compare.

"That doesn't mean that there wouldn't be another companion some day, but I don't think I would ever love again."
Sure, it's possible, but it will be different. Always be open to the new.

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@JTT,

No. Unconditional means that nothing my children could do could cause me to stop loving them.

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@Fido,

Go for it, take a leap, you might be nicely surprised.

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@Fido,

She sounds like hell of a woman, must take a hell of guy to love her, that's the way it goes Fido.

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@Pemerson,

Sounds like he would've cheated on you anyway, better heartache for a year then a life time of misery. Thanks.

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@ossobuco,

So you had a guy that had wondering eyes ossobuco?

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@FreeDuck,

FreeDuck wrote:

I've since learned that I don't need justification to get out of an unhappy relationship. It's enough to be unsatisfied and unhappy. We are not obligated to be with anyone we don't want to be with, legal contract notwithstanding.

Yeah I've done that - looked for an excuse but with maturity comes wisdom. Thanks

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Would you forgive your partner if he/she cheated?

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