Married & kissed my husband's friend.

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I've had marital problems for a while that my husband refuses to confront. I've wanted attention & gratification for a long time. His friend is attractive, fun & tells me everything I want to hear. One day the 3 of us were supposed to hang out but my husband got stuck at work. I was just flirting & surprised that he responded. I thought I'd keep it up for fun, but he kissed me. I stopped him but then initiated it a 2nd time. It was very long & passionate, so it wasn't an accident. I feel so guilty & sick to my stomach. I'm afraid he'll leave me if I tell him, but I hate keeping it from him.

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Type: Question • Score: 26 • Views: 22,295 • Replies: 110

@HML,

HML- Welcome to A2K!

There are some things that are best kept to oneself. Apparently, you were looking for attention, and got more than you bargained for. The important thing now is that you confront your marital problems, with or without your husband.

IMO, you need to see a professional, who will help you sort things out. At some point you will need to make a decision as to whether the marriage is worth saving, or if it is better to move on.

The fact that you are fearful of your husband leaving you if he finds out about the flirtation indicates to me that there is some kind of bond between you that you don't want to break.

Quote:

I've wanted attention & gratification for a long time. His friend is attractive, fun & tells me everything I want to hear.

Of course he is attractive to you. You don't have to live with him, and you see him at his best. I am sure that you felt the same way about your husband at the beginning of your relationship.

Oh, and by the way, if I were you, I would avoid being alone with this guy. You are just inviting more confusion and trouble. If it were me, and I had the chance, I would tell the guy that what happened was a mistake, and won't happen again.

I don't know how old you are, or how long you are married, but from my point of view, after 43 years of marriage, I know that marriage is a process that requires some really hard work. There were times when I would have cheerfully considered homicide, but I stuck it out, and worked things out.

Good luck to you, and let us know how you are doing!

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Don't tell your husband.
Don't let your marriage disintegrate (get some help ASAP)
Don't be so vunerable. Toughen up and realize where and who you are.
Don't be around him again alone.
Don't spend time in a fantasy world.

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I second what Phoenix wrote. Keep what happened to yourself but don't get into any one on one situations with this friend.

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As long as you didn't touch his "little man" you should be all right.

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boo hoo, my world is a end because i was promiscuous. face it, handle it, get over it, you have more important things in life than this pathetic drama you made. If your marriage is over over this issue, then that's that. if not, then that's that. think about it and use your virtues to figure out what you believe to be right instead of venting and asking for help at this website on juvenile issues.
Please, i'm not trying to be mean. this is the best "advice" anyone can give you, rather than some to-do list for someone in your situation. Resolve it yourway, with your brain,with your strength. Believe in yourself. Believe in your husband. If you are sorry, say sorry, if you liked it, say so. Discover yourself. Discover your life.
-55

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Thanks to all of you for the great advice. To answer you, I'm 24 & been married 2 years. I know I need to do a lot of work. I'm not sure I know how to fix it & everyone I know, knows him & his friend. But if I tell him & he leaves me I guess it would be my fault. It would still hurt though. It's weighing on my mind & I can't keep lying to him, so I'm going to try to tell him tonight. Thx again for all the advice.

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@HML,

And just for the record, that so-called friend of your husband is really no friend at all.

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@HML,

HML wrote:

I'm going to try to tell him tonight.

And? What happened!!!??? WE NEED TO KNOW!!!

1 Reply

@kickycan,

I'll bet anyone ten A2K bucks that they ended up having a threesome. Any takers?

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@HML,

HML wrote:

It's weighing on my mind & I can't keep lying to him, so I'm going to try to tell him tonight. Thx again for all the advice.

That's just guilt talking. You're lying to him? How? Is he asking if you made out with his friend you you're saying you didn't? Telling him is only going to make him feel bad - you're passing off your guilt onto him. Sometimes folks do things they just have to learn to live with.

I hope you changed your mind and didn't tell him.

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I can't agree with others here who say that you should keep infidelity issues quiet. Doing so is a form of lying and an attempt to hide the truth from someone. You made a vow not to engage in said behaviors, you engaged in those behaviors, don't compound it by also becoming a liar.

You're better off being truthful with people in the long run.

Cycloptichorn

2 Replies

@Cycloptichorn,

In many cases I'd agree with you, cyclo, but not this one. His wife of two years and his friend of ??? years shared a kiss. She feels miserable, as she should. She should remember how miserable she feels so that she doesn't make him feel even worse by letting her husband know that she and his friend both think more of themselves than they do of him.

Rather than tell the husband and put the burden on him of trying to decided whether to ditch both his wife and his friend from his life, she should find a different way to let him know that she's unhappy. Maybe he's unhappy too. But it needs to be an honest discussion about their relationship, not about kissing his friend.

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@JPB,

If my wife kissed my friend, I would sure want her to tell me.

If she didn't tell me and I found out some other way, it would put a big rift in our marriage. If she told me what happened, and that she felt really bad about it, I would be upset but at least I would could be confident that she felt really bad about it and wanted to make sure that it didn't happen again. This would also give me the chance to understand what is going on and to deal with any feelings. After all, if I was hiding something like this from my wife, it would certain affect how I acted and she might very well figure it out. Even if she doesn't, this secret isn't going to help us get any closer. Secrets don't help a marriage.

A marriage where spouses admit mistakes and forgive each other is a good thing. A marriage where spouses keep secrets and don't trust each other is not so good.

1 Reply

@HML,

Honey one-night stands don't count. Keep it to yourself and behave yourself!
BAD GIRL!

1 Reply

@Sglass,

Quote:

Honey one-night stands don't count.

Does your spouse know this rule?

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

don't get personal!

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@maxdancona,

hiya, max.

To me this comes down to who gets to carry the monkey on their back. Husband did nothing other than not pay enough attention to our OP. She feels lonely, bored, alone, taken for granted, fill-in-the-blank.

So... should she tell him how she feels or what she did about it?

1 Reply

@JPB,

JPB wrote:

In many cases I'd agree with you, cyclo, but not this one. His wife of two years and his friend of ??? years shared a kiss. She feels miserable, as she should. She should remember how miserable she feels so that she doesn't make him feel even worse by letting her husband know that she and his friend both think more of themselves than they do of him.

Rather than tell the husband and put the burden on him of trying to decided whether to ditch both his wife and his friend from his life, she should find a different way to let him know that she's unhappy. Maybe he's unhappy too. But it needs to be an honest discussion about their relationship, not about kissing his friend.

Can't have an honest discussion about a relationship when one person is hiding infidelity issues. Sorry. No matter what sort of language you want to put on it, at the end of the day, you are advocating lying to your mate about a serious issue. Never a good idea.

I note that you and others recommend not telling him so that he doesn't 'feel bad' or 'feel worse.' I can't understand that at all; lying to spare someone's feelings is the WORST reason to lie, out of all of them! It is a sign of disrespect, a callous blow to add on to the previous betrayal.

Imagine what's going to happen when this guy finds out - and he will find out, you know it as well as I do - and she DIDN'T tell him. It's going to make any potential problems due to actually being truthful with him look like a cake walk.

Cycloptichorn

0 Replies

you are only 1/2 the problem, how does the other 1/2 feel?

1 Reply

Married & kissed my husband's friend.

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