Married & kissed my husband's friend.

@Sglass,

Were you drunk or sober when it happened?

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@JPB,

I am only saying what I would want my wife to do. I can't speak for what other spouses would want in this situation.

I would absolutely want my wife to be honest and to apologize. I would want her to tell me what she did. Then I would like to know how she feels.

I am trying to imagine how I would react if my wife told me she kissed one of my friends. I am sure I would be upset, but I don't think I would be broken or furious about it. The fact that she told me on her own (without me finding out any other way) would certainly mean a lot. After I had a chance to think about it, it would be obvious that she wasn't planning on doing this again.

If she didn't tell me, I would feel it was a much more serious betrayal. If I found out, and then she explained she didn't tell me because she didn't want the "monkey on my back" I would be furious and wonder what else she was hiding.

I am only speaking for how I would feel. So, if you are my wife please tell me. I accept the fact that other husbands may prefer being lied to.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

It's obvious that she liked it, cause if she didn't she would not have brought it up, I think that she is trying to parlay this into something bigger and she's trying to rationalize unaccepetable behavior into something respectful?????? Where does the guilt load go then? Read between the lines.

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@Sglass,

Guilt, big word. On reading the thread earlier, I got the idea that she was frustrated in the marriage. I don't think kissing the guy's best friend who is also attractive is the answer to that. Talking is, working out the marriage is. A lot of people learn that lesson in life the hard way.

I'm so off the norm that I don't think it is the partner's business, except that he might like to make decisions based on that. Decisions on a kiss - gee whiz. That it is his best friend, another poor decision.

Better to make decisions on a relationship and how it is going, and they should know that already but they're not talking about it. The kiss is a product of the mess, or so it seems in this case. Or maybe she is not ready to be married or what she understands as married.

These people need to talk about their relationship.

I don't think people own each other, even in marriage.

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@ossobuco,

Osso, doesn't this depend on the commitment made by the two people involved in the relationship? If each partner understands and accepts that kissing other people is OK, then it is no big deal. But if there is an understanding, i.e. a commitment, that there will be no kissing, then it is a violation of the agreement (not to sound too technical here).

Whatever type of marriage there is, marriage is a commitment. And people who enter any kind of committed relationship should understand and honor the commitment. This has nothing to do with "ownership".

I don't know what "off the norm" means, but I hope you agree that you and your partner should have a mutual understanding of how the relationship works. As long as this is the case "the norm" doesn't matter.

All I am saying is that if my wife breaks the mutually understood boundaries of our marriage, I would want her to tell me about it (assuming she feels bad about it).

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I've kissed many a pal's wife. It's just a bit of fun. A bonus thrill.

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1st of all, I was sober. I don't know if it means anything. (& no there was no threesome). And to me, ommission is lying. I read 1 thing saying tell him so I made up my mind to, then another saying it would be bad so I decided not to. He's only been friends w/ him 6 mos but I've known him longer through his sister. So I talked to him a lot anyway before they met. Lately my husb. has been jealous when I talk to him & I kept reassuring him he had nothing to worry about (before the kiss). Now he acts jealous that he calls just to talk, & even makes smart remarks about it. Like, your b/f is calling u again, or, no I don't wanna kiss you, why don't you go kiss your b/f. At least he actually got jealous. I was starting to think he wouldn't care if it were true.
Anyway. I did talk to him & as usual I was blamed for all our problems. I've known him 6 yrs, married 2 & we've never had a screaming match. But i was so angry w/ him & tired of everything being my fault etc. ...so I just said Fine, you know what, I'm such a failure, I can't please you & nothing I do will be good enough. I did kiss him. THAT was your fault. Are you happy?..not verbatim...He got so angry & knocked a bunch of stuff off the counter then punched a wall. In the mean time, I grabbed some stuff & decided to stay somewhere else for the night. I haven't talked to him yet today. I don't know if he's waiting for an apology or what. It's not like I slept w/ the guy.

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@HML,

Have the decency to let him know precisely where you did stay, so he doesn't have to lose his mind about that. Disappearing without an explanation is cruel... even worse than the kiss. Whatever your issue is with him; blaming him for your indiscretion is absurd. If you want to fix your marriage, you damn sure do owe him an apology without reservation. Only then will you be able to discuss the core issues that are making you so unhappy with him, without the excess anger.

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@OCCOM BILL,

Yeah I know it's not his fault. I feel like I did this because of how he makes me feel so that makes it his fault. But I know that's not right. I just said it to hurt him I guess. I wanted him to hurt & know what it feels like. I will apologize for yelling & blaming him. When he's not so pissed. I'm not leaving him & I certainly wouldn't do it over a kiss. But he needs to be aware that he could lose me to someone else if he doesn't change.

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@HML,

if you are going to go forward and succeed in your relationship, I think you will need to find a better way to communicate than you do it currently.

words as weapons eventually leads to war...

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Max, your posts (so far always) interest me and I'll be back but now looking at HML's post.

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@Rockhead,

Agree with Rockhead, talk..

And maybe or maybe not, the kiss meant war. Maybe or maybe not from the friend.

I'm not for war, but I wonder if this is a mix, wife flirty with interesting new man, after feeling unappreciated, at the same time as jealousy???, natural worry from husband. Friend? it's a mixed palette.

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@HML,

Well, you should apologize. His problems aren't an excuse for things that you do. But you don't have to apologize for being unhappy, and you don't have to tell him that you're sorry that he's a jerk who doesn't pay attention to you enough.

Cycloptichorn

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@maxdancona,

Max -

Osso, doesn't this depend on the commitment made by the two people involved in the relationship? If each partner understands and accepts that kissing other people is OK, then it is no big deal. But if there is an understanding, i.e. a commitment, that there will be no kissing, then it is a violation of the agreement (not to sound too technical here).

That is too technical to cover, oh, 58 years.

Whatever type of marriage there is, marriage is a commitment.
Commitments should be discussed.
Good movie..
Max -
And people who enter any kind of committed relationship should understand and honor the commitment. This has nothing to do with "ownership".

Osso -
It does in many people's eyes.
I'm old. At the beginning of my life I bought the obey thing. I remember that.
I had my first problem on that with Larry... would I want to obey him.
Alas, Larry was and is a fine person, and my qualms were re vows. He was and is a good man.

My problem on a2k is that I am slightly older than the boomers. I remember the strictures as very real, very constricting.

quote max
All I am saying is that if my wife breaks the mutually understood boundaries of our marriage, I would want her to tell me about it (assuming she feels bad about it.

Well, sure.
You have been talking all along, eh?

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@HML,

HML wrote:

1st of all, I was sober. I don't know if it means anything. (& no there was no threesome). And to me, ommission is lying. I read 1 thing saying tell him so I made up my mind to, then another saying it would be bad so I decided not to. He's only been friends w/ him 6 mos but I've known him longer through his sister. So I talked to him a lot anyway before they met. Lately my husb. has been jealous when I talk to him & I kept reassuring him he had nothing to worry about (before the kiss). Now he acts jealous that he calls just to talk, & even makes smart remarks about it. Like, your b/f is calling u again, or, no I don't wanna kiss you, why don't you go kiss your b/f. At least he actually got jealous. I was starting to think he wouldn't care if it were true.
Anyway. I did talk to him & as usual I was blamed for all our problems. I've known him 6 yrs, married 2 & we've never had a screaming match. But i was so angry w/ him & tired of everything being my fault etc. ...so I just said Fine, you know what, I'm such a failure, I can't please you & nothing I do will be good enough. I did kiss him. THAT was your fault. Are you happy?..not verbatim...He got so angry & knocked a bunch of stuff off the counter then punched a wall. In the mean time, I grabbed some stuff & decided to stay somewhere else for the night. I haven't talked to him yet today. I don't know if he's waiting for an apology or what. It's not like I slept w/ the guy.

Lots of emotion and pain. I'm sorry... this isn't what you were looking for as an outcome, I'm sure.

Quote:

I can't please you & nothing I do will be good enough. I did kiss him.

It really comes down to this, I think. You trying to please him and it not being good enough. The kiss wasn't a test and it wasn't "HIS FAUTL". It's what you needed, and what you wanted, and what you need and wanted to feel. It's called passion, and it takes both of you to keep it kindled.

He threw some stuff.

It's just stuff.

Where's your heart?

Where's your passion?

Where do you see yourself tomorrow, next month, and next year?

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Yuck. You sort of shrank your man's cock by half by kissing his friend. He has to probably get in a fight with this guy to hang on to the rest of his cock. The reason you were advised not to tell him is what is does to HIM to know it. If you were trying to get his attention - kissing his friend was a really bad way to go about it. Sometimes, breaking trust like that permanently damages a relationship.

I would have gone to the guy I kissed - told him I'd made a terrible mistake, told him I would never do it again, that my husband deserved better from both of us, and been VERY scarce from that guy's company in the future. And made up to my guy by
1. NEVER doing that again, and
2. sitting down with my husband to set goals to improve our marriage.

Please think carefully about what you want from your life and how it affects this guy.

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Quote:

But he needs to be aware that he could lose me to someone else if he doesn't change.

Why do women always want the men they choose to be someting else other than what they chose?

Unfathomable.

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@dadpad,

well when we 1st met & dated, he didn't insult me. he was more than just a roommate to me, which is what it feels like. He didn't think of sex as a chore. He actually kissed me, all kinds. & I actually meant something to him. He says I don't nag or complain & I'm not high maintenance. So it's not that I chose someone like that, he just slowly became this. We've grown apart & I even don't feel like I'd care if he did the same thing to me. I just don't want to spend time w/ him anymore & when he's stuck at work I look forward to it. Maybe I'm asking for too much. But is showing someone you love them & not the opposite too much to ask?

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Quote:

We've grown apart & I even don't feel like I'd care if he did the same thing to me. I just don't want to spend time w/ him anymore & when he's stuck at work I look forward to it.

Well theres your answer. whats stopping you from walking away? or at least a trial separation?

Yeah i know it's just not as easy as that, accomadation, means of financial support etc etc.

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@Lash,

Oh, really?

I would have gone to the guy I kissed - told him I'd made a terrible mistake, told him I would never do it again, that my husband deserved better from both of us, and been VERY scarce from that guy's company in the future. And made up to my guy by
1. NEVER doing that again, and
2. sitting down with my husband to set goals to improve our marriage.

1 Reply

Married & kissed my husband's friend.

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