Oh, I'm a little upset! VENTING RANT warning

Of course you are not going to answer emails, or anything else. That would kind of imply you had read them. Also, that there might be something to discuss between the two of you at this stage of the game. There isn't.

Yep...

and nope, I won't reply to any emails (tho I still really really want to send the one I wrote)

he's in SFO at the moment - he phoned today to talk to S-boy and said "is there something you wanna say to me" as I was rather curt with him - I just said I had nothing else to say to him and I'd see him in court and hung up.

yuk... how petty and childish... and yuk... how stupid, sounds like something out of a movie (yuk) - I am livid with him tho - I can't even talk to him.

It was hard enough when he emailed me a long time ago and said we were never to converse about our eldest son again - and we haven't - but we have a younger son, so I have to see his Dad.


On Feb 3rd he said "I told you I would send all this and I will - so let's drop it" with regard to the agreement... now I find he's has gone to lawyer. JERK. JERK.

(((((Izzie))))) Bummer you have to go through this ****… it is certainly never fun. And you’ve already dealt with more than your fair share of ****. Try your best to consider it like you would a business decision, leaving personal feelings (good, bad, and indifferent) out of it. You need to look out for your own best interest.

Am I understanding you correctly that you’re currently receiving £100 month for R-boy? (Guessing he’s trying to go from £400 to £300? (total stab in the dark.)) A quick Google revealed that the U.K. standard appears to be 15% for one child, 20% for 2 and 25% for three (which in itself, is pretty low by Wisconsin standards.) You also indicated that your Income was 12 to 13% of his… and I’m unclear if you’re comparing your earnings, or if that’s the portion of his income you’re currently receiving as maintenance (either way, it sounds way too low).

From what you’ve described, he is a pretty well to do fella, which I assume means he’s earning upwards of £104,000 annually (which appears to be the point of max-out under the U.K.’s CSA formula. You indicated that you don’t wish to use the CSA, but unless I’m guessing terribly wrong; that means you’re probably receiving a fraction of the child support you’re entitled to. That isn’t fair to you or your family.

As far as living expenses; honestly, that seems a pretty irrelevant consideration since you can each choose to be more or less responsible with your money. Why not instruct your lawyer to let his lawyer know in no uncertain terms that your agreement will be honored as written; or you will be fighting for every single penny you have coming? From what you’ve described; you have already been too kind (no surprise, that.) A perusal of this page indicates that the CSA may very well be your best friend in this situation.

For your peace of mind; I would recommend compartmentalizing your relationship with this ex into two categories in the best interest of the children and your sanity. Consider your day to day relations with him in one category, absent any and all reaction from the business aspects of your split. Avoid all discussion on the business aspects, and let him know that in the interest of civility you will be deferring to your attorney to handle that 100%. Tell your ex this decision was made in the best interest of your children and that you will not deviate from it. Then call your attorney, and tell him you want every nickel you have coming.

Take care of you! (((((Izzie)))))

Hi Iz

I read your new posts this morning, but was in such a rush I had no time to respond.

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time of things. You have every good reason to feel really upset. Having been so reasonable up till now, I fully appreciate how hurt, let down & angry you feel.
It is as if he's turned into another person completely, isn't it? How could all those shared years come to this low point?

May I suggest you spend as little time as possible trying to figure out why he's being so unfair, treating you so differently. I don't mean to be dismissive, but it happens all too often when ex-partners find themselves in new circumstances. Look at Mame's original posts here. Look at what I've posted here. It's really sad, but it certainly happens.

And may I give you the best bit of advice I can give you at this point? Don't, no matter how angry you might feel at his behaviour & his words, respond. Something you might innocently, inadvertently say in an email can be used against you in a court of law & you could find your position compromised. It might be something that seems pretty innocuous to you, but it might damage your case. Best not to risk putting yourself in that position at all. Responding when you're really upset is definitely not a good idea.

But I'm sure you've been advised about this by your lawyer. So consider this a bit of reinforcement from me.

No matter how crappy things might feel right now, Iz, this will pass. You will recover & you will feel much better & happier over time. It is just this frightful crap you have to deal with in the meantime. Sigh. I thought I'd never get over some of the post-relationship traumas I had to cope with, but I have. I live to tell the tale! And so will you, trust me.

Hang in there, Iz. This is the time to get as much support as you need from the good friends in your life. And to (try to, at least) switch off as much as you can from the poisonous, selfish stuff coming from him. It won't be easy by a long shot, I know, but you'll get there, you'll see.

Best of luck to you, Iz. Hang in there.

I don't see how he can legally change the terms of the separation agreement but he sounds a right wanker. I'm going to phone you

Thanku Bill.



For child maintenance he pays less than 20% of his net income. I agreed this at the time because I have a mortgage free house and as R-boy does not live with me, tho I still support him in a small way, the amount paid I felt was sufficient. There were tradeoffs with pensions, shares, endowments etc... all in writing - all agreed - but not signed and sealed in a legal document by the court.

This is all happened because my lawyer sent him the agreement to sign to send to the court. Now he decides "it's not fair" and will not sign. It makes no sense to me al all. He did this thru his lawyers in March 08.

In order for me to get the divorce (as petitioner) - the financial agreement must be signed off by the court as children are involved, one of whom has difficulties.



I didn't wish to... but I will now, if necessary. He wishes to pay child maintenance of 9% of his net income. I won't agree to that.

My earnings are 12-13% of his earnings (based on his earnings 2 years ago).

He gives me £100 spousal maintenance per month until Sept 2010 when R-boy turns 18. Again, I got my house, so didn't push for more.

He pays an amount for school fees to cover S-boy's education. This is a separate agreement and the money goes to the school.



Yep, my lawyer has written a letter to that affect - well actually, he's pretty much said we won't entertain the idea of even discussing this - he writes "kindly provide us with the reasons why it is felt appropriate and justified to set aside the order that has been agreed bearing in mind the legal practicalities that you would face in doing this".

We will just proceed to court I suppose unless the ex signs the papers as he said he would - however, this process takes 6-9 months... and dealing with the CSA is a nightmare I just don't want to even think about.



Yep, trying not to let it get to me, but it's hassle I don't want and I still do have to see him. Have emailed and vented to my lawyer last night (boy, he got some!) and I will leave it to him to do what he needs to do and remain unemotional.

Again, I personally don't need his money nor do I want it. I am independent in that respect, have my house etc. This child support money is for the children because I am unable to support them myself because of my earnings and health and I believe he has a financial responsibility for them whether he likes it or not.

Thanku MzOlga - yep, I hear ya. "He" doesn't actually upset me any longer, as in, I can lalallalallaa switch off from him and his life - I ended the marriage and I know it was the right thing to do - so I've managed to put him in a box so to speak - what I object to is him doing this now, after we have both completely moved on with our lives, years ago. These financial responsibilties are for his children. He, we, have little choice in seeing our eldest son but that's another thing - however, he chooses NOT to see S-boy when he can and tells me he has other priorities - and that really pisses me off.

There is a heap of stuff I want to say to him - I just have to keep it in check and not push the "send" button.

Thanks Mame

don't have his signature on the forms... therefore, not legally binding - but he'll make a tw!t of himself in court over this because this was all decided a long time ago and done with his lawyers who were the conveyancing solicitors for the sale of the property.

If he had lost his job or his earnings had changed - that would be completely different - that's even written into the agreement - that should his earnings change, then it would be pro-rata'd.

The only thing that has changed is his buying his country house and whatnot!!!!!!!!!!

I don't want court, I don't want to go thru the CSA, I just want him to honour the agreement we made which has been a working agreement for nearly 2 years...

but then again, I guess I did end the marriage, so I didn't honour that agreement.

c'est la vie!



Will update when I hear back from the lawyer. Going to call him tomorrow.

Izz, don't sweat it - nothing you can do that you aren't already doing. Don't let this destroy your peace of mind. Looking forward to the updates. Have good intentions out there - it'll work out.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll, I spoke with my lawyer and he's gonna send the letter off that he copied to me and add in the bit I emailed him about their letter dtd March 2008... which does not have the words "without prejudice" written on. That document from his lawyers states the agreement was reached even if his signature was not on it.

Of course, ex may still wish to go to court...

but I'm going with "good intentions"

and

making sure the space that surrounds me keeps calm for the time being

Thanku!

Good for you for staying positive, Izz.

Did you get my email from this morning?

Bravo Izzie! Sounds like you've applied that sharp mind of yours effectively! Of your entire response, only one undertone still strikes me as worthy of mention: It is important for you to understand that whatever consideration and/or compromise you receive financially from the dissolution of your marriage is not a gift, but rather what you are entitled to. Neither your home nor your maintenance are "gifts"; they are mere compromises and you need not appreciate them one iota more than he appreciates your willingness to compromise.

Take care of you! (((((Izzie)))))