Wed 21 Apr, 2021 10:39 pm
Three weeks ago, I got broken up with. I understand the basics why it happened, but I seek a new perspective, understanding, or validation of it. Throughout my entire relationship, we've been rocky due to mental health issues- I started off pretty suicidal (due to many unfortunate circumstances) and they helped me through it. We went through the honey moon stage of our relationship, and it was good, but later things got difficult. We had arguments possibly everyday, but in the end, it was ok. We still loved each other, we still hung out and spent quality time together. However, 7-8 months into our relationship, they had gotten angry and upset, and made lies over little things. They've said pretty damn hurtful things, but I understood the place it was coming from. They were hurt and stressed, they overthink and hate themselves and proceeded to spiral downwards. They lost their motivation to do school and mostly gamed and hung around me; I did try to push them to do some school or contact school as I'm concerned they'd only get more stressed out. Fast forward to now, they changed their whole attitude- cold, angry (anger is a good mask for sadness)- and they'd blocked me for four days before they gave saddening news, their dog died. They mentioned being a center of death (they blame themselves for the inevitable, and in 2020 two close pets died). They talked here and there, but never initiated the conversation anymore, they began to self-isolate and escape reality. I try to tell them this, but I got blocked which meant talking to their guardians (as I was afraid of them commiting). This action made them unblock me. Once they had unblocked me, they apologized for their actions and I told them they needed the help (try to do little bit of school and get help from their guardians as they were isolating themselves from their guardians (aka baby steps)), which they agreed. For a couple days, I checked up on them to see if they were ok, doing what they need to do, but after a while I could only see them suffer in pain. Through a rough conversation, I ended up blocked once again (currently two weeks). They blocked me because I was talking about how sorry I was for forcing them to try and get help, in which they invalidated their pain. I told them that their pain is valid, and that's when I ended up blocked.
Sorry for the long background information, but I'm feeling guilty. I really do love this kid so ******* dearly, I want to protect them and keep them safe. However, I feel like the reason the relationship ended was because of me. At a certain point in life, stress and anxiety from everything caught up to me- I shook violently, forgot everything I was saying or going to say- it took a toll. I believe that they blamed themselves for this because they had many panic attacks, depressive episodes, angry moments, at this time. Around the same time I began to show these symptoms, they suggested to break up. Whenever they got into bad states of mind (at least from what I could tell), they'd suggested to break up, and honestly, I am clingy, so I tried to talk it out... they made me feel alive and they make me extremely happy. Everytime we met up, we showed love and affection and spent quality time together. From family issues, mental issues, self-esteem issues, loss of family, school issues, and penting it all up, they finally broke things off. Often times, I've told them they need to find a way to forgive themselves because they're upset by any mistakes or pain they make/caused. They also apologize needlessly...
Now onto me, as I said before, I was suicidal. Everyday I said I wanted to die, sometimes I'd actually say I'm going to kms because unresolved childhood trauma and future expectations with lack of ambition made me freak out. This often left them worried because I'd go on and on about the negatives in life and had tried to attempt. I did, however, change this habit very quickly, although it doesn't stop the worry I brought to them. I'm stubborn and opinionated and often forget to eat and drink. I've had some miscommunications with them, but sought resolve.
I guess the point of all of this is to find a different perspective. I feel responsible for their mental state. I'm scared they don't love me anymore, but I can't tell if them blocking me was because of me or because they were in pain. I can't tell if they'll ever come back to me. I know they need time to heal, especially to themselves and get their life straighten out, but do you think they'd ever come back?
It's pretty selfish to ask of, but for the last time, I love this kid. They have saved me from myself and thoughts, brought me so much love and happiness. I don't want to be strangers, you know?
You've done everything you could, but you can't fix this.
And... it's not your fault.
I repeat. It's. Not. Your. Fault.
Tattoo that on the inside of your eyelids if you must.
They are mentally ill and you know (because it has undoubtedly also been your experience) that mental illness lies and it makes it godawfullly difficult for people to see reason.
You sound very kind. but the bottom line is that you are just above your pay grade.
Whenever a young person is suicidal, the best thing to do is find a trusted adult and tell them. Your ex needs treatment. No matter how much you or anyone else loves them, it won't be enough. Don't take it personally. Like I said, you're above your pay grade.
I presume you trust their guardians. That's a great place to start.