30
   

Oh, I'm a little upset! VENTING RANT warning

 
 
JPB
 
  5  
Reply Tue 2 Feb, 2010 07:18 pm
@hawkeye10,
why do you have to be such an asshole about everything?!?!

Iz, the fact remains that the final documents and agreements are Very Difficult to change later. Listen to your attorney. If he tells you to fight, then fight. You've found some inner strength recently. Use it to prevent those who would like to take advantage of you from doing so.

I know it's easier to give in, give away, walk away, don't look back. There may come a day, however, when you get to do all that and still have everything you're entitled to have.
Ticomaya
 
  2  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 07:49 am
@JPB,
JPB wrote:
why do you have to be such an asshole about everything?!?!

Because he's an asshole.

-----

Good advice CJ and JPB.

Izzie: Hold your fort a bit longer, and listen to your lawyer on this one.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 08:04 am
@JPB,
Very much agreeing with what has been said here about holding on to what has been agreed upon. My additional perspective is that my mom made several concessions when she divorced my dad, in the same "not worth the aggro" spirit, that she really regretted later on.
0 Replies
 
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 08:13 am
@JPB,
Aw, sorry this has happened, Iz.
I really wish you'd follow JBP's advice.
I know it's hard when you hate conflict & go out of your way to avoid such episodes. But your ex-husband is being reasonable at all.
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 08:21 am
@msolga,
Yep. He's taking advantage of the fact that you want to avoid conflict.

Have the conflict. Embrace it. I don't mean to love it but don't shy away from it completely.

Your future 85-year-old self will thank you for that.
DrewDad
 
  3  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 08:28 am
@jespah,
And tell him that from now on, all communication about the settlement should come through the lawyers.
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 12:56 pm
@tsarstepan,
Agreed - I'd just let the lawyer settle it - and try to keep yourself as uninvolved is at all possible.

But keep calling him an a$$hole to us as he deserves it and it may make you feel better.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 12:59 pm
@DrewDad,
Or through us - your A2k team - we will let him know what a low-life louse he is!
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 01:22 pm
@DrewDad,
Yep. This is why you have a lawyer. It's the ultimate "talk to the hand" (or, "talk to the paw", if you use my avatar) moment.

The dude does not have the right to contact you about this stuff any more. Period, end of story. Oh, you can't get your lawyer on a Saturday? Well, then we'll wait until Monday.

Etc. etc. etc. lather, rinse, repeat as needed.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 02:27 pm
@Linkat,
Oh my...

I have been so restrained today at not picking up the phone when I can see it's his number, he's emailed 3 times - he's making me feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry and absolutely horrible

how can this be happening? This was all done and dusted such a LONG time ago. I don't know how in the heck this has happened.

i wrote one hummdinger of an email.... then spoke to my lawyer... and was even more restrained and didn't send it, just sent 3 simple lines, polite, to the point.

my lawyer says he doesn't have a leg to stand on, legally or morally - which he wouldn't coz right now I would kick it out from under him - no really - I would

in fact - the court's here do not agree child support disputes - the CSA does - and what he doesn't realise is the CSA would order him to pay a LOT MORE money if I went down that route.

I didn't and don't want to do that - we had an agreement in which I have a house to live in and child support - that's what was agreed. He's the one changing the rules now.

The house was sold June 2008 - he can't do anything about that or the settlement - I bought this place, his solicitors did the sale and purchase.

i've just written another email, i just need to say it loud - he's baiting me so badly

and



and


and


and

he's got to me.

no no no... I'm not going to respond

this agreement has been in place since June 2008.... and actually since I ended the marriage in 2006, there was a financial agreement in place

Then he bought the new place with his girlfriend and... now he wants it to change. Of course, now he says he's signed the agreement and will send it back to my lawyer next week - but he's done it again - he's made me feel ****. Tosser.

How can he still do that to me?

How, by bringing R-boy into this telling me he would never be with me... he had no right to say that to me. He can play me there, very well.




OK... I'm done. Thanku for listening.


(I've used the f word in my mail... I shouldn't send it a? no no.... I know.... 'f you and the horse you rode in on and don't get too saddle sore'... no no, I know, stop being emotional) Rolling Eyes



Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 03:11 pm
@Izzie,
Just give me his phone number - I'll give it to him!

I was thought about it - could you change your email address and phone number? Then he could only contact your lawyer. That way seeing the number or emails would not even tempt you to answer or shoot of an angry note.
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 04:00 pm
@Linkat,
no no, S-boy talks to him on the phone

i'm quite good at not answering the phone (as some here know, I can switch off easily when I don't want to talk).... and email i should just not respond to, but I have no self restraint on opening email... I have to look!!!

thing is, we've been friends for 22 years - we've had the odd blip during the divorce, but even after separating, we had good reasons to do that, we didn't fall out really. We have a young fella who needs to see his parents communicating and getting on - ya know - being adults (ack... stamps feet)

and we do, get on, most of the time, we were sat in the car together going to S-boy's school on Monday - he comes in the house to pick up S-boy - tells me all about his new dog and cats and job and blah blah blah... it usually just goes straight over the top of my head or I have a wee rant to myself after he's gone

I dunno - his financial struggles are not my problem years down the line - and he is being a complete tosser and I am so mad with what's he said to me

but i won't change my number or email just because of him

if we fall out about something, i usually put my fingers in my ears and lalalalalalllalllala... and the moment passes...

he pushed the wrong button yesterday and today - he actually made me spit venom - and I can spit it well unfortunately when needs be - terrible. Fortunately, I still haven't sent the email to him - poor JPB wasn't so fortunate - it's sitting in her emai box Mr. Green sorry JPB - please delete - just had the urge to push the send button ....

I have a lot of things I want to say to him - but maybe I should wait for the agreement to be settled and then... say my bit and move on... again.

i don't get upset too often - I sing too much for that - he's totally shocked me by what he's said and how he's behaved.... so out of character

maybe something is going on his life - I dunno. I would rather get the agreement signed and back with my lawyer, then... get a new set drawn up - I can give a little because I don't need much, I just need to know I have enough for the kids in the future because my health dictates my earning capacity - I don't want one of his pensions for a few pounds a year at age 65, he can keep that and the others, he's got all the shares, but I have a house. I reckon that's fair. I don't need maintenance. I need the child support - that's it.

I guess I am just real disappointed that he would do this and make it somehow my responsibility. JERK. Shouldn't have let him get to me. Thought I was done with those feelings.
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 04:08 pm
@Izzie,
Quote:
I still haven't sent the email to him


Morning, Iz.
A bit of un-asked for advice, if I may?
Don't respond at all for a bit. Let the situation sink in & see how you feel in a few days' time. Or a week, or ....
It sounds as though (for whatever reason) his attitude has changed recently.(It happens. I know. Neutral )
You need to take that on into account before responding.
And you need to respond calmly & not regret it (possibly) later.
I hope it was OK to say this?
Izzie
 
  3  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 04:24 pm
@msolga,
Yep MzOlga, you are completely right. Advice from all taken and appreciated. It's keeping me sane actually - that whole self doubt thing keeps kicking in every so often. I won't do anything else until next week. He's picking up S-boy on Friday because he's not able to pick him from the school bus as he ought to (grrrr) - which means coming to my house - like I say, I usually lalalalalla when he's here and smile away - but it's that whole cutting off your feelings bit that sometimes destroys a little piece of me. I don't wanna even look at him right now. So, maybe I will get that plan changed.

Will wait 'til I hear from my lawyer that he has the signed financial papers in his hands. Then decide, with his advice, on what to do.

In some ways, maybe this is a good thing. Helps me make some other decisions or shows me I'm strong.... even if I'm rambling a bit.

Thanku...much appreciated MzOlga

et al who have responded... thanku.
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 04:30 pm
@Izzie,
Good girl, Iz!
And make sure you get all the advice you need.

One last thing: it's really sad when it looks like you can't continue a friendship with someone who's meant so much to you. And the thought of "nastiness" is horrible. (Like you, I abhor conflict!) But just tell yourself you are going to make a reasoned, fair decision, when you're able to. You are not at all an unreasonable person.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 04:43 pm
@Izzie,
I see my response about ever talking to ex'es and it sometimes being ok after years go by was way out of context re what Izzie was starting to describe. (And Mame too, in that I'm not at all for constant communication and so on, just that catching up once in a while can be ok in time). I agree wholeheartedly with everyone else posting that you, Izzie, should lawyer up and NOT DROP THIS BECAUSE OF THE AGGRO, sorry to holler.

Son of a bitch.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 05:00 pm
@ossobuco,
Iz, responding to these emails feeds it all, I think. At least until dust settles and the earth roils around and settles a bit, I'd only respond to anything with the advice of the lawyer. I'm pretty cool (as in reluctant) re his picking S up at your house just now, but not sure how else to handle that.

I also wouldn't totally hide your distress from S. I knew at his age when meteors were landing in our house and my parents didn't talk in front of me, starting the years of much silence. I don't suggest you explain, but I'm not sure either that you should be ms. cheer. Wiser heads here will comment..
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 05:02 pm
@Izzie,
Quote:
I still haven't sent the email to him - poor JPB wasn't so fortunate - it's sitting in her emai box Mr. Green sorry JPB - please delete - just had the urge to push the send button ....


bummer -- I was hoping you sent it. Smile

Ok -- I know you need to appease the situation until everything is signed and in the can, but that was a Very Healthy Rant!
Izzie
 
  2  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2010 06:04 pm
@JPB,
spitting feathers I was a?


ohhhhh, years of keeping it scthuuum -thanks, at least I was heard - albeit to a friend's email who can delete it and no harm done. Thankeee. JPB Mr. Green


Late to bed.... must go..... soooooooooooooo tired.

Thank you all so much - will just wait to the dust settles and I hear back from my lawyer (btw way, this has been his simplest ever case because we were so agreeable with one another, he was gobsmacked too about this)

Night all. x
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Sat 27 Feb, 2010 03:48 pm
@Izzie,
After 3.5 years since we separated and everything agreed in June 2008 (when I moved here and the house was sold) - we're now going to court because ex wants to change the terms. Lawyer says this will take 6-9 months - he's written to the lawyers my ex has now instructed. I am infuriated... and so surprised - tho I suppose I shouldn’t be. My ex isn’t a bad person " but what’s he’s doing is just plain wrong " and I'm feeling a tad vehement right now.

My lawyer’s letter reads ... my lawyer is “not too interested in their after the event argument”... and that the ex and his lawyers will have “legal difficulties in trying to argue ex’s position to go behind the agreement that was reached”

(ex says he didn't have representation... errrrrrrr.... WHAT?)

However, the weakness we have is there was no agreement actually signed ... but he says “doubtless advise your client that the paper trail surrounding the agreements... will be central on the conduct within any ancillary relief proceedings that may be brought in the event of an impasse”

My lawyer, in a letter back to ex’s lawyers, says “you will of course appreciate that there is a case law supportive of our client’s position in this regard not least of course Rose v Rose and Xyhdias v Xyhdias” re a concluded agreement.

I went to look those cases up but not sure what it means. Being the weekend I can’t phone my lawyer so...

Anyway, I’m furious. Not that it makes any difference, but I just don’t need this hassle. I have letters from his lawyers dtd March 2008 stating that they had the memorandum of understanding and quote “We trust that the parties can remain amicable and STICK TO THIS AGREEMENT” and ... other than 2 issues which were resolved by the ex and I... “THE REMAINDER OF THE MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING IS HOWEVER AGREED”

So this is another thing I don’t understand. His lawyers wrote that in March 2008 " I have their letter in front of me addressed to my lawyer - and now they say “we have requested details of the financial disclosure provided during the mediation process but are not yet in possession of it. Well they wrote about it in March 2008 and the agreement has been working since then...

They (the same lawyers) are now advising their client (my ex) that their "preliminary view is that the proposed order would appear to favour your client over him"




Pffffffffffffffffffffst

Of course my lawyer will take over and all that - but it's still the hassle, which I simply don't need at this time.
 

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