Oh, I'm a little upset! VENTING RANT warning

I was thinking about you yesterday Mame, and here I come to post, and I see ehbeth (once again) has already expressed what I was thinking.

When you first told us how you two were divorcing, I found your ability to keep it civilized very admirable. I was remembering how it was when I divorced my ex-husband. We were polite about it, no yelling and screaming. I was so ready to move forward with my life, and frankly didn't give a damn what kind of plans he had for himself.

I guess I should have cared a little bit, as, with your ex, I learned a zebra doesn't change his stripes. He'd always been bad at managing money, and I think he scorned those who could.

Years later (I'd been remarried to Wally for 5, 6, 7 years, can't remember, I know it was a long time), I got servied with a summons because the ex (who was supposed to have taken my name off the house we were building at the time of our divorce, but never did obviously) had not paid his mortgage for several months, and they were going to put the lien on me.

I ended up getting it all dropped, but I'll never forget the phone conversation we had over it.
I had no idea where he lived, but I found his name/number on the internet and called him. I asked him what was going on, and he told me some predictible story that doesn't even matter here. When he was done, I asked him "So where is it you think I'm involved in this? What is it you're thinking I'm supposed to do?"

Without any hesitation he said "well, I guess you'll have to go bankrupt too."
Not mean like, not threatening, just like it would be the most sensible, natural thing in the world for me to do. Why would I even be asking such an obvious thing?

I was speechless for a moment, then I asked/said "Do you realize I've been married to someone else for x amount of years, and you have absolutely nothing to do with the life I have, and I don't have anything to do with yours? There is no "us" or "we". This has nothing to do with me."

It was obvious that to him, I had been frozen in time at the point when we signed the papers. Heh....when we were deciding who got what, the only thing I wanted was the house in Texas. He actually said to me "No, you don't want that house, you should just move to S Fla" I'm sure he thought I was just being so foolish when I replied "Well, you know, I want to live in Texas, and I'm going to live in that house"

I think you're ex, on whatever level, still thinks the 2 of you are connected in some way. Not romantically of course, but that somehow his problems are automatically part of your life.

Well, thank you both. And thank you all for the advice and support.

He has always behaved with integrity and I think his money woes and the shock that I said No are what caused his reaction. I don't care what he thinks of me - I just thought it was a cheap shot. Anyway, he does honour his debts/commitments, and he has. His integrity is very important to him.

And Squinney - it's an annual payment, but I don't think I'll be faced with this again. He now knows I'm not going to agree without a penalty.

Me three!

Yes, you're right, Chai. He's told me all about his girlfriend, asked my advice on renovations and house purchases, he talks to me about his family, his jobs, his travels, like we're friends. I'd like to remain friendly, but I don't want to be his friend. It's a 20 yr chunk of time that I'm done with.

Do you live close to each other?

Who's calling who?

I don't think that's exactly weird, but getting to the point of "why are you telling me this?"

Do you feel like you'd like to be in a situation with him where neither one of you calls the other, unless it unavoidable, or a good reason?

I wonder what his gf thinks of all this. Could be she doesn't think anything of it.

I guess I have a point of reference with this too.....Wally has always been on friendly terms with his ex-wife, the mother of his now 27 year old daughter. I like her too, and the guy she's been married to for probably 20 years now. People used to ask me how I could like his ex-wife, and I say "why not? I didn't break them up or anything. There's no crossing of histories between the 2 of us"
Wally stayed in contact with her because of his daughter when she was a little girl of course, but there wasn't any of this "Hi, I just thought I'd call to see how you're doing" between either of them.

How would you feel not chatting with each other anymore about the things you talk about now? Do you get his opinion on things he's really got no reason to care about, or do you figure it out yourself?

Just curious about the dynamics.

He will email or skype, ostensibly about the kids, then tell me what's going on. He has asked for advice on furniture and his renos. He'd also tell me he was going to visit his mom, or his brother came up, or he was having a party. He told me about his dates with this new woman. I don't ask questions, mainly just listen. I never call him but I do email him back.

I'm glad he has a girlfriend, glad, glad, glad. And I think his communication will just about stop now I'd like it to be civil but distant or infrequent.

I think he was pretty lonely last year.

me four

You have no idea how many times I've had that "ditto, me too!" response to your posts here, Mame!
This was my experience, too. Right down to expecting me to share the details & commiserate over Mr Ex's troubles with the first new Ms X. (the mad one, who was into the nuisance phone calls.) As their troubles reached crisis point & the relationship disintegrated, he thought it would be perfectly reasonable to move back into our (still jointly-owned at that stage) house, where I was still living, during the period it took her to move out of his!

Seriously, don't be surprised at anything that might happen. A complete & total "disentanglement" can take years & years! (As I discovered. )

In the meantime, hold your dominion. You're doing good!

Yep, I have the daily conversation with the ex-hub... hear all his trial and tribulations... never tell him my lifel - he's not intrested - he's mr, you know, armageddon striking, his plans have changed, can't see S-boy, blah blah blah.....in on ear, out of t'other. Prorities up sh*t creek to keep the girlfirend happy - I say FINE lalalllalalla... we all know that means by now... so nowt more necessary until he gets my goat - then I loosen my grip of sensitivity and give him what for. He shoot's me down EVERY SINGLE TIME - but hey ho. It works...kinda. We are friends. Fortunate really. I only have to remember an miniscule ounce of certain things and what he did... and my whole persona changes around me. He won't do that ever again. YAY.

Fortunately financial were compete 18 months ago - legally - monday i sign to my freedom.... FREEDOM... FREEEDOM.... breaks into song... lalallla

so glad Mam's probls will resovle - they will, you know him.

Loved talking =you are the best... lvoe ya - you look so fab.xxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm wondering, Iz, if as a result of the long shared histories, they start to see us as their mothers or something, as they face their separate trials & tribulations in life?

Good question, msolga - just wondering why they think we're still interested? Especially since they don't ask US what we're doing. There are a lot of selfish or egocentric people out there, eh?

Izzie, it was a wonderful if somewhat interrupted conversation That damn train that kept coming! Like I said, you're lovely inside and out. Can't wait to spend some time with you later this year. We'll have to see how many of us we can round up. Will let you know when as soon as I can.

Funny 'ole thing, how in a heartbeat things can change. I kept my end of the bargain, I signed the divorce papers like I was asked - I got my confidence up and became big and brave, have started feeling incredibly good

the financial settlement was completed June 2008 when we sold the house and I moved here... it's been a working agreement since then

he bought a big barn in the country with his girlfriend and built some stables, 2 cats, a dog, couple horses.....blah blah blah

the actual settlement papers have to be signed by the court as there are children involved, one who has difficulties

my ex was sent the papers on Jan 19th. He rang me at 10pm tonight to say

he is being "financially raped"

among some very other nice things like...

"R-boy will never come back to you and you will never have to look after him so the financial payments for him stop at 18 (the agreement was at 25, for various reason)"

I nearly, nearly lost my temper, but you know that little voice you have inside of you that grits your teeth and seeth out the words (how effing dare you).... well, that was me.

he said "his situation has changed, big mortgage, horses and stables etc and he can't afford to pay me what he agreed, because he has too big a mortgage and "its not fair", he can't afford holidays and won't take S-boy for any of the 14 weeks that Sboy is out of school, because, I work at a school so therefore it's my responsibility to look after Sean.

My exes 5 weeks holidays are for his things... his time with girlfriend, golf and weekend away. etc.


Something wrong with this scenario. Hmmmmmmmmm

legally, he may not have a leg to stand on because this agreement has been in practice for nearly 20 months - however, I've lost the will to fight him and another any longer.

I wonder if that makes me weak. Or strong. Noddy called in Zen one day - she could be right.

I don't need his money (£100 month) and he's right, I don't have my eldest son - and I may never have him in my life...

so... I guess what he's saying is true

it just fucks me beyond belief that he would do this now.

He wo't get the divorce until he signs something... so I've emailed my lawyer and we'll see what's what.

I already know I'll give in some things - I don't want his stupid pension anyway....


Really - should I be surprised. Well, yep, I really am.

He can reduce me to zero, just like out, from out of nowhere - he can beat down me again. I can't argue it, coz he's probably right about R-boy never seeing me or accepting anything from me again. R-boy does not know I have been supporting him over the years - but that's OK. Child benefit stopped and now all payments for R will stop.

I'm just so angry right now... it's 22.51 and I have work in the morning.

His words are just resounding in my head.

He came back from flying off to Scotland for a friends wedding on Sunday...

we had a meeting a S-boys school yesterday

and he phones me at 10pm tonite to tell me he won't sign...

then said "I'll sign the damn document........... how do you look at yourself in the morning knowing I will struggle with the mortgage payments (on his nice new barn conversion, paddocks and stables)"

crahhhhhhhhhhp a?


Sorry Mame - just didn't quite know where else to put this so I could talk out loud - can it be the "tosser stabbed you in the back thread"

Guilt trips, I've a few folk trying to toss me some guilt trips right now. Getting a tad sick of it. I get up... I get slammed down... kinda sounds like a song that I don't feel like singing.

Thing is, I don't care about the money not really, I'm fairly self sufficient here - it's the galling principle of what a complete and utter douche bag he has been tonight.

Rant over.

It's not your fault that he's clearly living far beyond his means.

yep, gag...

he doesnt care about that... he says i have my little house mortgage free and that was the capital from the house... so I don't have the outgoing mortgage he has, just I earn a little under 12-13% of his entirely annual salary - - just a tad different a?

gag again...


I'm looking at the agreement, I can knock some stuff of it... but not for the kids, I still have bills to pay - but I am not desperate... ack, I know I'll just agree - it's not worth the aggro. Sent my lawyer tht info. Will see what he has to say I guess. He's gonna be spitting feathers... but he's good.

Tired........ spinning now...

One of the biggest mistakes women make in a divorce settlement is not holding onto their rights to part of the spouses pension. Only do that if you're sure you'll be as self-sufficient in your retirement as you are today.

I get half a one of his pensions and an FSAVC which stopped in.... 2006 - I think.... it's worth £308 per year when I'm 65).... HA....his comment was, it will keep you in tonic, not gin. arse.


Sod that one, he can keep it. Don't want the frikken pension anyway - actually I don't want anything from him excpet help with the kids. I can easily giveup anyhing else. I don't need his money. I need a fathers money for his children to live on, grow on, I make a pittace salary. The maintenance payment for me I'll give up and... think probably's R-boys money.

Then. I may leave Devon, so.... things will go tits up then a? Not a threat against him, but I need to move from here for other reasons. My self esteem mainly.

I don't dislike my ex. We have almost 25 years in common. We both prefer some communication to none at all. Neither of us spill our hearts out, never his mode in the first place, and good luck to his #2 on that. I don't hate her either, she showed up long after our attachment. I think of him in my worst moments as a louse who wasted my life - or, really, that I did, for him - but mostly not, I can see his side. He was very young when I met him, young and brainy. Our relationship was of mutual needs but perhaps with a natural endpoint despite ourselves.

While we talk on the phone maybe 4x a year, email a bit more, and see each other every five years or so, we're individually off to other lives and interests and the talk is camaraderie, with an underlayment of continuity.

In contrast, I'll add for amusement that I did talk with an old lover (pre husband) a few years ago, almost by mistake in that I was looking up a colleague's address, and I didn't expect him to answer... this person's memories of our times together were... very heartwarming. Well! That was a boost for my day!

My point? continuity can be good, unless the people are real assholes. Not what I assume is taken as a threat to current associations.

Yep, I hear you. Sounds exciting.

Izzie,
don't make an emotional decision. Sure you can live without his financial
contribution, but you don't know what a few years down the road might bring.
Your divorce decree was mutually agreed upon and probably fair to both
of you - please uphold this agreement and don't let him tell you otherwise.

It's certainly not your fault that he overextended himself with a high mortgage
and other financial obligations. Just think if it were the other way around and you needed more financial support from him: do you think he'd extend that
to you? Surely not! To blackmail you with not being able to see his son
during the summer holidays is probably something he'll do regardless.

Yes, be angry and emotional, but make darn sure your decision is a rational
one. Just think of the money as an additional allowance for your son.

completely shocking I know, but Calamity is offering good advise.