Talking to your kid about "the n- word".

Yeah, I can see where this could be a problem.

But, really, Boomer, isn't the method of explaining the negativity of the n-word much the same as explaining any other nasty word which you prefer that Mo not use? You tell him that while its derivation comes legitimately from the word for 'black' in the Romance languages, it has been historically misused as a term of abuse and, therefore, to use it today would be a show of ignorance and disrespect toward people who have done nothing to earn such disrespect.

What's wrong with this approach when it comes to the n-word?

"Nigger is a derogatory term for Black people, or African Americans. We don't use the word because its usage puts down the people you're calling it for no reason other than the color of their skin. That's not okay because people can't change the color of their skin. It's as if people called you a bastard for being of illegitimate birth. That's not okay either, because you can't change who your biological parents are."

"So, if you want to talk about blacks, use a non-derogatory word like "blacks", "African Americans", or "people of color". Or, if you want to put people down for being liars, douchebags, rats, or similar, use a derogatory term specific to something they chose to do that makes you angry. But we don't put people down for things they cannot change. In particular, don't use the word nigger for Blacks, cripple for people with disabilities, or fags for gays."

Your general approach sounds perfectly adequate to me here.

But, perhaps your problem isn't the word, perhaps it's teaching Mo the background of the word: America's history of slavery, racism, and the whole can of worms that comes with it. To do that, I'd read him a good book on the topic, written specifically for children of his age. That's what my mother did when we started becoming aware of the Nazis and the Holocaust. But although I'm sure there are good children's books on racism, I don't know them. On that, I have to pass the buck to better qualified A2K correspondents.

It's come up with sozlet -- I forget the context, I think it was some sort of rhyming thing, she suggested it among other "nonsense" words and I flinched and she wanted to know why.

That's different because she already knew what the word was, just not what it meant.

We talked about it by first reminding her of how white Americans treated black Americans really badly for periods in our history (she already knows a fair amount about that so I had stuff I could refer to to refresh her memory -- underground railroad, MLK, etc. etc.). Then I said that that word is something that was used a lot during the ugliest times (white people used it to describe black people) and is a dangerous word. It can be used to hurt people a lot. So it's a word to avoid using.

I don't remember if I got into the subtleties of rappers et al using it/ reclaiming it, I don't think so. Maybe something to revisit later. (These things are always kind of elliptical/ cyclical, right? You give the basic explanation first, then add nuance as they loop back to it.)

(It's another cluster! There hadn't been any responses yet when I typed the above, looks like we all have similar things to say...)

Hey Boom,

I don't have any sage advice to give other than do unto others...yada yada yada. But, I did want to say that if both Mo AND his friends feel comfortable coming to you for answers to questions like this, you must be one very cool mom. He's so proud of you, he is comfortable enough to bring his friends to you too when they have questions. Way to go, chica.

I think history is a great teacher. Show him the ugly that is associated with it. The lynchings, slavery and the brutality and explain to him what baggage that word carries and the pain that it references in black history.

I don't think it's about a word, it's about racism. If he can learn what that is he should be able to understand what ethnic slurs are.

This is along the lines of what I was going to suggest.

Using the example of what can happen if you dont brush your teeth, I selected safe photos and showed them to jillian about dental care and dental hygiene.

When she would ask something I did not understand, I would.. quite literally..type it into google search and look it up.

We made a very big, sit down this is important.. type deal about it and I would suggest that too for you.

If you feel that Mo needs to learn the real meaning behind this word NOW, then go out of your way and be a bit dramatic about it if possible.. and sit him down and teach him about slavery. Dont sugar coat it. And then top it all off with " and the word they used for black people then was ____"

And then explain that since we do not have 'legal' slaves anymore, the ability and the social acceptance of the word has gone away. Now , the majority of people alive do not remember slavery.. so they do not understand what they are really saying and neither does your little friend..

och. Hard conversation.

I don't know why discussing the "n-word" should be treated as if you were handling something radioactive. You seem to have handled the discussion of other words just fine, and if you follow the same model this shouldn't pose a much greater problem.

Your child won't somehow become stained if you speak the word "nigger" while explaining to him how inappropriate and hurtful its use almost always is.

I would explain to him that its worse than most other "bad" words because its use is almost always founded in hatred and the desire to demean. Most of the other words are simply crude and impolite, and while they can certainly be used in a hateful and demeaning ways the "n-word" has virtually no other use.

This of course could (and probably should) lead into a discussion of why some African-Americans use the term to refer to themselves. It seems to me though that this part of the discussion is going to be a lot tougher.

Thomas is right, calling a person of color "nigger" is essentially the same as calling someone who is physically disabled "crip," or "gimp," or someone who in mentally disabled "retard" or "tard," but the fact of the matter is that using the "nigger" is a much greater taboo then using "crip," or "tard" (which we don't refer to as either the C-word or the T-word). This might not and need not come up in the discussion, but you may want to be prepared for the question.

My experience is that kids can easily understand that the "n-word" is inappropriate and hurtful, but they want to know why there are differences in the way that it is regarded as compared to other "bad" words.

My kids, at least, whether it was this subject or something entirely different were always looking for reliable rules and patterns. Contradictions confused them. If it's not OK for people to hurt and kill each other, why is OK for soldiers to? If it's OK to put our sick pet to sleep why isn't it OK to put terminally ill grandpa to sleep?

I miss these conversations. They were opportunities to assist in the growth of my kid's understanding of the world. They were tough but very satisfying and they made me take a fresh view at some of my own presumptions.

Good luck.

I'm with those who say give him the truth with the history.

He prolly doesn't need graphic details about the lynchings and slave abuses and murders and church burnings and all yet....but I'd give him a simpler but accurate version.

Countdown until OmSigDAVID turns this thread into something stupid...

T
K
O

Doesn't take much preparation, the word is more charged because the history is more charged. If it were white people being lynched in recent American history "honkey" would grate the conscience as much as "nigger" does. If it weren't for the Holocaust "anti-semite" wouldn't carry more emotional weight than "anti-Muslim" and if the mentally or physically handicapped had the history that blacks do in America then derogation directed at them would carry more weight.

When the words are used together with violence their meaning is changed. "Nigger" isn't just a mean word for black people in the same way that "crip" is a mean word for a handicapped person. It is a slur that has historically been paired with physical violence in a way that calling someone "retarded" just hasn't.

There are very differing degrees of meanness, and no these are not essentially the same unless you ignore the degree of malice they have historically been used with.

When boomer first mentioned the phrase "the N word" I had no idea what that was and actually spent time trying to recall an obscene word beginning with N.

Until someone (Thomas) mentioned the word "Nigger" I had no clue what word she was refering to And I know and use mopst of em regularily.

My teenage sons and their friends refer to each other as "niggers". (I don't believe white kids in their social circles would use the term.)

The term is used as a typical teen irreverent and defiant social ritual. I don't know if this is healthy or not; teen rituals have their own strange logic. On one sense, casual use of a historically painful word probably diminishes its effect. Forbidden words are endowed with a sense of mysticism and power.

As a parent, I do not focus on words. I want my kids to be decent compassionate people. You do this by understanding other people's feeling and thinking about what you say. You don't do this by banning words.

I think explaining why a word is hurtful to other people is a good idea.

I think explaining the hurtful way its used along with the history of it is a good approach. And congrats to everyone for discussing this tricky word in such a cogent and mature way.

Now I'll exit before the racists and anarchists come and shyt on the whole thing.

"The Watsons Go to Birmingham -- 1963" by Christopher Paul Curtis

Thank you all for your excellent replies. I feel ready to tackle the issue from a better, calmer place now.

I was pretty upset yesterday to think someone was introducing such words to Mo and I am glad he came to me wanting an explaination, even though he didn't know the word he was asking about.

Yesterday I just told him that it was an ugly, horrible word that I didn't think he even needed to know. Later I started thinking a bit more realistically, realizing that he would eventually hear the word and that it would be best if I gave him some context. That's why I posted here and, once again, you all helped me figure it out.

They've studied the civil rights movement a bit in school but not really the ugliness that made the movement necessary.

I'm sure we'll have a quiet space over the next few days that will be a good time to introduce the topic.

Thanks again everyone!

Like WHAT ?

Like mostly incoherent rantings made only more insane by a zero method use of formating (bold,underline,color,italic,size). In this case, my imagination takes me on a ride where you rant about first amendment rights. Perhaps you'd throw in "freedom of thought" into a sentence to imply that teaching a child that "nigger" is a bad word is akin to censorship.

Finish with a "thought police" to seal the deal.

T
K
O

Pretty amusing Diest. (Is there a commonly used acronym for expressing amusment? Say a third of LOL?)

I don't think there's a lot of harm in a little bit of baiting, but I also don't complain about trolling. If you do, then perhaps you should reconsider the accusations or the baiting.