Need an exit strategy from a verbally abusive marriage

"I am lucky that his ex-wife showed him the impacts of a court order of protection, so for right now he is watching his behavior."

I did not know this, maybe I missed it in a previous post. I would then be doubly on my guard since there is a previous occurance where he had an order of protection placed on him. Make sure your lawyer knows this and that the judge does as well. I would reccomend having a friend stay with you if possible, even overnight while you and your-soon-to-be-ex still co-habitate. A female friend would probably work best at keeping him from getting angry about his belief that there is someone else, but like you mentioned he already thinks this way.

Was the protection order a standard order or was it because he did something? Not really my business I suppose, but the answer should greatly influence how you treat him.

All else aside, if you are thinking anything like I did, you are probably cursing yourself for having let it go so far. Some here have asked you why did you ever even start up with this guy and how could you marry him knowing what he was like.

Well, I understand.

Hind sight is 20/20, so they say, but at the time it really is remarkable what we can convince ourselves of isn't it? No, despite what I have written, I know the failing of my relationship back then wasn't his fault alone. I had a part to play as well. It's not so much that I SHOULD have done more to fix things as it is that I COULD have done more. We both let things go so bad for so long that it became healthier to just end it (however badly it went) than it would have been to try to fix it.

The same goes for you. Some people will cry foul at what you are doing and how you are doing it, but in just the little you have posted I can see that you are in the same place. Granted, I have only one side of a many faceted story but even if the other side could bring forth their counter arguments here this is still about your point of view. You would still feel as you do and that shouldn't be un-validated. Even if your husband was Prince Charming by the rest of the planets standards if you still felt this way about him I would still recomend leaving. It's good that you have a counselor, he can help you with both sides of the issue - letting go of the parts of this that are not your fault and dealing with the parts that are.

The protection order was standard course for his ex-wife's divorce, although from what I understand there was a history of physical abuse between the two of them before that. He is quite proud of the fact that he got that part of it thrown out of court because she allowed him to ride with her to the court hearing. I have no intention of giving an inch if I have to get a the protection order on him.

I have no friends or close family so I cannot have anyone come stay with us. He has been having a friend of his come to the house who stays for many hours at a time so I am encouraging that. So far, I have been able to use logic and disinterest to keep the situation from becoming too crtical. I know him well enough to see when his anger is coming to the surface but I am still being very careful not to put myself in corners or other compromsing areas.

As to why I married him....

He was Prince Charming, manipulative to a point where I could not see how his comments to me were put downs. He is smart, over time he learned what my weaknesses were and how to exploit them to keep me feeling confused and humble. I am so glad I have finally been able to see how his words impacted the way I see myself. I am not the horrible person he 'assumes' I am but I am strong in the knowledge that right now I am doing what I need to for "ME" and me alone.

His family is 'sorry' this is happening, but have not given in to his pleas to allow him to move into their house. Suddenly they all have 'visitors'. I think they know me well enough to not buy into the lies he is telling them, but I don't really care about that at this point. They were nice people, but not important in my life enough to let me think for one moment that they will support me in this. They thought he had found someone who would 'keep him in line' but I know for a fact they have no idea the extent of his treatment of me and I don't care, I just want him out of my house and away from me.

Good. I am glad to see you holding your own and being cautious. So far things seem to be going in your favor. I find it ironic that even his own family does not want him. Sad really.

This should all go to further justify your reasonings.

And even if none here can come to you and help keep watch, you do have some friends here.

very much agreed. The advice I have received here has been invaluable in helping me to work through this situation so far.

Thanks to everyone!

Please keep the support and advice coming.

I hope that your sources of food n drink are secure.
Does anyone have a financial interest in your estate before the divorce goes into effect?

If thay invite u to go for a ride with them,
it might be prudent to find some other means of transportation.

David,

thank you!

I am eating out mostly, leaving the house occasionally with no eta on when I will be back.

My car is secure in the garage and I have secured the spare key set inside of it. I keep my keys on my person at all times (even sleeping)

I have no need to ride with him anywhere.

No one has financial interest in my house...just me.

I am in the process of changing the title on a vehicle I am giving him into his name.

I have verbally told him the items which I consider to be 'his' and the items which I am keeping. I have not removed anything from the house but have secured some items of value which are mine in a locked place.

words mean nothing.

WRITE IT DOWN

and lock that up..

Beat the living **** out of the guy, and THEN leave; Here's an idea of how to do it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfN5AVHfRcY&feature=related

Done that too. Not going to give him the written list until things are being moved out.

-high- five

I hope that your bedroom doors are secure when u r sleeping.

Unfortunately the doors remain open for the cats to come and go. I am a pretty light sleeper and taking lots of cat naps....

For right now he still believes he may be able to pursuade me to change my mind so at least I have that to my advantage... at the moment.

.......freedom from this man means no longer having to hear

"Why do you always say "No" to the things I ask you to do?"

and

Being yelled at in the car, how I am so very lazy because I won't immediately search for and set up a specific CD in the mobile CD player.

"Can't you see I'm driving?" (Valentines Day) - My response was: "Music is not a life and death operation. I will get it in a moment."

He sounds like an annoying, cranky child.

He is like an annoying, controlling, manipulative, cranky child.

case in point:

I just heard him talking on the phone to his dad. He said something about "Changing the door locks on her while she is at work."

Begin defensive action plan C....

I don 't know what plan C is, but
I feel vicariously uncomfortable about u sleeping in non-secure conditions.
I suggest that u let your cats come n go as thay please;
(thay have 9 lives), but that u find a safer environment in which to sleep.
We don 't want u getting any nasty surprizes.

If your marriage lasted longer than your life,
chances are that the inheritance laws of your state
woud make your wedded spouse significantly richer n more comfortable.
This has already happened to both sexes in the past before divorces went thru.
How ofen do we see this scenario in crime thriller stories on TV ?
Its not science fiction.
Before a divorce goes thru, a spouse just disappears,
other spouse calls in a missing person report to police and acts distraught.

In many states, a wedded spouse inherits a statutory minimum of decedent's estate,
EVEN WITHOUT a will; i.e., spouse may have financial motives inconsistent with your well being.
Its better to be safe than sorry, in my opinion.

Good Luck, but don 't leave it to luck.





David

"Changing the door locks on her while she is at work."

I think it may be time to beat him to the punch on that one. Call your lawyer and see if you can have him removed from the home sooner than later. Can you take vacation time from work? It might be a good time for a staycation until he is out the door.

Scooch the litter and food and water into the room with you and keep all of y'all locked in for the night.