He loves me but my boyfriend is abusive at times...

If you want to help women; put a gun to your head and take one for the team, you sick bastard.

Violence Against Women in the United States

MURDER. Every day four women die in this country as a result of domestic violence, the euphemism for murders and assaults by husbands and boyfriends. That's approximately 1,400 women a year, according to the FBI. The number of women who have been murdered by their intimate partners is greater than the number of soldiers killed in the Vietnam War.

BATTERING. Although only 572,000 reports of assault by intimates are officially reported to federal officials each year, the most conservative estimates indicate two to four million women of all races and classes are battered each year. At least 170,000 of those violent incidents are serious enough to require hospitalization, emergency room care or a doctor's attention.

SEXUAL ASSAULT. Every year approximately 132,000 women report that they have been victims of rape or attempted rape, and more than half of them knew their attackers. It's estimated that two to six times that many women are raped, but do not report it. Every year 1.2 million women are forcibly raped by their current or former male partners, some more than once.

THE TARGETS. Women are 10 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate. Young women, women who are separated, divorced or single, low- income women and African-American women are disproportionately victims of assault and rape. Domestic violence rates are five times higher among families below poverty levels, and severe spouse abuse is twice as likely to be committed by unemployed men as by those working full time. Violent attacks on lesbians and gay men have become two to three times more common than they were prior to 1988.

IMPACT ON CHILDREN. Violent juvenile offenders are four times more likely to have grown up in homes where they saw violence. Children who have witnessed violence at home are also five times more likely to commit or suffer violence when they become adults.

IMPACT ON HEALTH AND SOCIAL SERVICES. Women who are battered have more than twice the health care needs and costs than those who are never battered. Approximately 17 percent of pregnant women report having been battered, and the results include miscarriages, stillbirths and a two to four times greater likelihood of bearing a low birth weight baby. Abused women are disproportionately represented among the homeless and suicide victims. Victims of domestic violence are being denied insurance in some states because they are considered to have a "pre-existing condition."

LEGISLATION. In 1994, the National Organization for Women, the NOW Legal Defense and Education Fund, and other organizations finally secured passage of the Violence Against Women Act, which provides a recordbreaking $1.8 billion to address issues of violence against women.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SOURCES:

"Violence Against Women: A National Crime Victimization Survey Report", U.S. Department of Justice, Washington, D.C., January 1994.
"The National Women's Study," Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center, Medical University of South Carolina, Charleston, SC, 1992.
"Five Issues In American Health," American Medical Association, Chicago, 1991.
Bullock, Linda F. and Judith McFarlane, "The Birth Weight/Battering Connection," Journal of American Nursing, September 1989.
McFarlane, Judith, et. al., "Assessing for Abuse During Pregnancy," Journal of the American Medical Association, June 17, 1992.
Federal Bureau of Investigation statistics, 1992.
Sheehan, Myra A. "An Interstate Compact on Domestic Violence: What are the Advantages?" Juvenile and Family Justice Today, 1993.
Sherman, Lawrence W. et al. Domestic Violence: Experiments and Dilemmas, 1990.
A study of five cities -- New York, Chicago, San Francisco, Boston and Minneapolis -- by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, published in 1992.

His MO is to be one glimmer of hope for the abused person that the abuser will never do it again.

How many times have we all seen a person get the same sane message from a dozen different strong sources, but, when one small reference is made from even the most irrelevant source, they latch onto it like it was gospel?

Of course, the opposite happens, were we have to wade through a ton of garbage and pick out the diamond, but if we're in our right minds it's easier to find it.

In this case, hawkeye is not the gemstone.

This is rich. YOU spent years helping sexual abuse survivors and their loved ones?

Your kids were sexually abused?

I can only guess by whom.

OK FIRST OF ALL YOU NEVER ACCUSE SOMEONE OF DOING SUCH A THING TO THEIR CHILDREN UNLESS YOU KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THEY ARE THE ONES THAT DID IT. SECONDLY, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL THIS MAN HE NEEDS TO STAY OUT OF THIS THREAD. HE WAS SIMPLY GIVING THIS WOMAN SOME ADVICE THAT HE FEELS MAY HELP HER. HOW DO YOU KNOW IT DIDN'T? YOU DONT. SO GET OFF HIS BACK.
Hawkeye, I commend you on your efforts to stand up for yourself. I think it is great that you help all of these abused people. I only wish you would have been there when I needed some help. I am sorry to hear about you, your wife, and your kids. I pray that things will get better for all of you.

As you say, secondchance, you're kind of new here.

I don't suggest you totally agree with or ignore 'hawkeye'. Work out whether you agree or disagree with him, over a number of threads, yourself, over time.
We get it that you agreed with him this time, since you did the yelling thing with capital letters.

That isn't necessary, most of us of can read non caps.

Click on his name at the top of the post, and you can access all his posts.

You say that my story should be read over and over again. You say that hawkeye needs to get out of this thread. You say too many things to remember to write down in here, but who are you. Who are you to pass judgement against this man? Who are you to say that Denise hasnt taken his words and at least thought about them, she may have done that with what everyone has told her to do. Let me ask you something. Have you ever been abused, in any way shape or form? You do not have to tell me, I am just wondering.

If not read this over and over again.

You have NO idea what it is like to just up and leave. When an inmate has been in prison for 20 years and then gets out on parole, he has problems in regular society. That is what professionals call institutionalised. They are so used to being behind bars that they do not know how to function in the real world. Being behind those bars can be very comfortable. Three square meals a day, a toilet, a shower, a backyard with gym equiptment, some of them can even have their own pets and tvs in their rooms.

Now I want you to think about a woman who has been beaten day in and day out for years. Do you think it is going to be easy for her to just pack her **** and walk out that door. NO. You know why because she is sooo used to having the **** beat out of her that she doesnt think that there is anything that anyone can do for her. She doesnt think she deserves better. She thinks that it is her fault or that she made him hit her, or rape her. Well let me tell you something until you can go through all of that dont you dare tell him that he is wrong.

You have no idea what it is like to go to bed, fall asleep and be suddenly woken up by some man on top of you raping you, breathing in your face, screaming at you to tell him that you love it, that you want more. You have no idea what it is like to have to get the **** beaten out of you because he made you bleed from raping you just minutes ago, and now he wants you to clean up the mess. If you do not know what that is like then do not judge him.

I have to separate myself from posts like "put a gun to your head".
Not cute, and worse as not meant as cute.

I allllllllllllllllllmost understand Hawk, but then just don't.

As an incongruet, I wonder if Hawk is Primativo - but that's silly, I know he's smarter.

Secondchance, you're on a wild goose chase. You're slamming people who are very aware of your kind of circumstance.

Whom do you think you are telling they have NO idea?

I do not totally agree with him. Yes there are many things that, in my opinion, are very wrong to have said. But I do not judge him for saying those things. I wrote in all caps to get my point across to that other person. That other person is way in the wrong and I felt that I need to let him know how I felt just like he let hawkeye knew how he felt.

No read the post. I said if he has not gone through any of this then he has no idea. And I am not on a wild goose chase, maybe someone will get the point and leave this poor woman alone. She has obviously been through a lot and all any of us can do is sit here and tell her what to do with her life. No one else is living in her life we do not have the right to tell her to just leave all any of us have the right to do is give her some advice, share with her our experiences and pray for her.

Secondchance,

Your heart is obviously in the right place... but you're too new here to judge the participants in these threads. A2K isn't just a chat room where random posters rattle off their random thoughts. Many of us know each other very well, have for years and have even traveled to meet in person. Some have even found their soul mates right here on these boards. Suffice to say, it would serve you well not to be too quick to judge based on a post or two or even a dozen.

Hawkeye is a misogynistic piece of ****, who literally advocates rape as a good thing for the human race, wants to do away with legislation against ******* kids, doesn't see women as anything close to equal to men etc ad A LOT OF nauseum. His demented hatred of women has been demonstrated repeatedly prior to this thread... and I assure you those of us who hold him in disdain do so for good reason. The idea that he's worked as some kind of abuse councilor would be laughable if it wasn’t so sick... if he wasn't so sick.

I don't claim any expertise, and no, I've never been a victim. I have been alive and reading these threads for many years, however, and the demented monsters responsible for them have effected me more than I'd like to admit. Don’t doubt my ability to empathize, though I’ll grant you that I could never truly understand the extent of the horror. The most genuinely decent person I've ever known is to this day affected by one of these monsters… and this in turn affects me... and I'll make no apology for wishing these monsters would take their violence out on themselves instead. I won't get into all my reasons for hating these monsters, but I touched on a couple of them a couple of years ago. If you're curious, you can read about it by clicking here.

Your initial post was wonderful, and should be read and re-read by any victim who happens upon it. Thank you for being thoughtful enough to share.

Hawkeye, you are a real asshole.

That's all I have to say about that.

You get smacked around for a while and then come back to talk about "making things better".

There are two ways to make this better: leave or kill him. And I don't think she wants to kill the bastard so the only way is to leave.

I too worked with survivors and the last thing they need is pity, I agree with that. Victimizing them rarely leads to anything productive.

However, you have to be honest and blunt and remind them of what's at stake because they often lose touch with the reality of the situation.

Your "advice" is poor.

There is no "better relationship" except the one without him.

And remember that no one called her an idiot. She showed great judgement coming here questioning her situation. That is the first step to getting out. Realizing that there might be a problem and that maybe she deserves better.

So don't talk to us about calling her an idiot. She's brave and smart because she cares enough to even dare think about a new life. And for many, that is a huge huge step.

I do have to say, Thank You Bill, for that post.

We don't always see eye to eye, but we are on the same page about this.

secondchance, I'm on your side. Bill is right in that many of us have been reading Hawkeyes posts regarding rape, children and sex, etc. I'm to the point I don't even bother reading his posts, ususally.

wow, I just read this part of 2nd-c's post, and it gave me pause.

the orginal poster is in an emotionally and mentally fragile state, and it's hard to know who to listen to. It's easy to fall for the 1st person who offers advice that may fall into the parameters of what you want to hear.

It's not beyond me that hawkeye, or someone like him, may even give slanted advice to someone like this in order to Keep them under someones thumb.

2nd-c, don't fall for the 1st thing you hear anyone says here, there may be a lot of pertinent background you hadn't read.

anyway, welcome.



BTW, I guess I'm that "other person" you wrote in caps to, and letting "him" know he is wrong.

I'm a woman 2nd-c, and up to around my 4th or 5th trip around the block, so yeah, I just might have some idea what it is like to experience the things you talked about.

Well just to let you know I was not yelling at you. I have read several posts from hawkeye and I think I know alittle better than to believe everything that is on here. I am a little more mature than what you may think. Another thing, you may have been around the block 4 or 5 times, honey I created that block that you are now going around. Oh by the way Thank You for the welcome.

Now this bothers me a little bit. Secondchance ... there are many on this forum that suffered abuse. Some have seen death by abuse. Some have lost a child by her abuser. One womans abuse vs another womans abuse; really can't be measured. Especially in terms of one being able to better speak than another because she might have suffered her own abuse which she deems worse than someone else's. Chai knows what she speaks of. As I am sure you do, also. As do many, many, other women/men on this forum.

PS- I'm sorry that you had to suffer, too. Congratulations for getting out.