He loves me but my boyfriend is abusive at times...

@BillRM,

my point is "know your risk". You can make your own judgement about what to make of 1 out of every 92,000 adult American women being killed by their significant other every year.

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@hawkeye10,

shut up hackey...

(please)

Rolling Eyes

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@hawkeye10,

Hawkeye10 she is living with an abuser you had beaten her. She is no longer can be view at a random woman in this society her risk of death would now need to be view in the sub-group risk of death of all thoses who are living with an abuser.

That must be many many times the risk of death of the whole group of women.

And all that is completely beside the point as her risk of death is only one of the risks she is running by staying with her abuser that should get her out the front door.

I would say her risk of getting another beating is around 99.9999 for example. The odds that her son will be harm in one way or another if he is allow to grow up in such a household is 99.9999 percent or so.

Sorry but she won the lottery she is in a household containing an abuser and the likelihood of harm up to death or worst harm to her son is very great.

1 Reply

@BillRM,

You, one who does not know either the alleged victim nor the alleged abuser, thinks that you can assign risk?

Denise is the only one who can make that judgement, taking her gut feelings, her knowledge of her BF, and societal stats together.

The proper advise to Denise is " if you now or in the future believe that you are in pysical danger make sure that you get to a safe place, fast. It would be a good idea to investigate, to have a plan fo what you would do if you ever felt in danger"

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@hawkeye10,

Lord he had beaten her and rape her. What do you not understand about that statement and what more do you need to know on the subject?

She is in an emotional relationship that have all kind of ties and she is the very last person in the universe who would have clear judgement on this matter.

Doctors normally do not treat their own family members because emotions can cloud judgement for example.

And damn right I and others can assign risks from all the thousands of case studies that been done over the last few generations on this subject.

The risk of harm continuing is as close to 100 percent as you can get when you are dealing with human beings.

Would you wish your daughter to stay in a relationship where she had been beaten and rape?

Come on used just a little common sense here.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

Yes, Hawkeye...... let's do deal with facts.

Quote:

Studies suggest that anywhere between 3 million and 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.

Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will eventually abuse their children.

http://www.mountauburneap.org/ees_domestic.htm

Sixy-Five percent of abusers that abuse their partner, ALSO abuse children within the home. Did you read that, Hawkeye??? Not to mention all the millions of children that have to witness their parent being beat. Do you understand the implications of that, Hawkeye? Do you?

So why do you suppose I and others are concerned for Denise and her child? Especially the child, right now.

The child within this home is an infant. Do you understand, now? If this fu*king monster goes after the child, the chances of the body of this little human being, being able to survive an attack are grim.

No child (no matter what age) should have to live in a violent home. If there is even 1 death in a million, for every child that is abused ....no parent should take the chance by putting their childs safety on the line.

And victims of violence should not be subjected to such dangers, while the perpetrator lives within the perimeters of the home, while seeking help or getting counseling for their problem. Too many times people do not realize that the abuse is not just an action. The abuse is a part of the make-up of the abuser. They own it. It IS them! And there is nothing simple about changing that kind of behavior. And many times ends in failure.

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@BillRM,

the only one who can save a victim is the victim. All of you do gooders acting like you know better how to run a life than the person living it is very unhelpful. How does it geneally make you feel when you get up the nerve to ask for advise and then are told that you are an idiot? How does it make you feel when your feelings about your life are discounted and/or ignored by people who don't even know you?

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@JustBrooke,

Quote:

No child (no matter what age) should have to live in a violent home. If there is even 1 death in a million, for every child that is abused ....no parent should take the chance by putting their childs safety on the line.

it is not that simple, because breaking the home in a large number of cases subjects the kids to poverty, and in the majority of cases to a lower standard of living, which hurts them very badly as well. And there is of course the trauma of the split, that often harms kids for life.

You need to be able to see the shades of grey in family situations that are not ideal. Ending the family is not always the best way to deal with the problems, and it is rare to find either a family or an individual that is ideal. As Thomas Moore (care of the soul) says, almost every family is dysfunctional to some degree, we need to stop acting as if lack of dysfunction was the norm.

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@hawkeye10,

Gezus ******* Christ, Hawkeye. Do these women a favor and stay the fu*k off the abuse threads.

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@hawkeye10,

Lord we should had just told her to used her own judgment and leave a baby and herself in harm way if she feel like it?

Second I do not remember anyone telling her she is an idiot, perhaps you cold point to someone telling her that?

You might be able to make some kind of a case for her having a right to remain in harm way but you have a zero case in allowing a infant to remain in harm way.

Given also that an abuser had used brain washing techniques including torture(beatings)/good-then bad guy/threat of harm to herself and her son/ that is as old as the human race to bind her to this kind of a sick relationship it is somewhat of a question if under her current condition she is a free adult individual able to make sound judgments on her own.

And the above have nothing to do with calling her an idiot or any other such word.

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@hawkeye10,

There is no shade of gay when it come to beatings/rape and the threat of other type of force directed at your partner.

The man should be lock for life so he can not do this kind of harm to other women and children once she get heself out of harm way.

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@JustBrooke,

as a woman, you need to allow other women who make choices other than the ones that you think you would make the dignity to live their lives as they see fit.

I doubt that Denise is around anymore, as we have been inhospitable towards her. My hope is that we will be more helpful the next time someone who wants help comes around.

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@hawkeye10,

So hawkeye a woman should take beatings if it allow her to have a higher lifestyle and the benefit of having a higher lifestyle can somehow out weight the harm of children viewing the father beating the mother and therefore reaching the idea that is is how relationships should be?

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@hawkeye10,

What choice are you talking about is it the choice of having her children harm? Sorry but we do not allow parents to abuse their children if we as a society can help it.

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

as a woman, you need to allow other women who make choices other than the ones that you think you would make the dignity to live their lives as they see fit.

I doubt that Denise is around anymore, as we have been inhospitable towards her. My hope is that we will be more helpful the next time someone who wants help comes around.

Allow? Nobody is telling her what she has to do, you dipshit! All anyone is doing is giving her advice. Which is what she asked for.

YOU on the other hand are advocating that she keep her child in danger by staying in the perimeters of his fists. Why? So he can get help? He can get that without living in the home. Denise can get into a shelter that will provide her with all the food and warmth she and her child needs while her monster is seeking to eradicate his behaviour. You have no clue what you are talking about. If by some slim margin of chance he can be cured of his insidious behaviour...let him do it with a more protective shield around this innocent child.

If you don't get that ..... too fu*king bad. I care not what you think. I only care about Denise and this poor infant that could die at the hands of her father.

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@BillRM,

in all likelihood for both herself and her child Denise is not looking at a harm/no harm choice. she is choosing between one harm and another harm.

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

let's deal with facts here, if you don't mind

Quote:
In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. In recent years, an intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims.

Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf
http://www.abanet.org/domviol/statistics.html#prevalence

What is your point, you misogynistic piece of ****? Brooke said every day a woman dies at the hands of her abuser… which is actually an understatement. You whimper about facts and then provide stats that show an average of 3 woman die every day at the hands of their abuser, fully 33% of ALL female murder victims… and by the way that percentage goes over 50% for pregnant woman. It is the leading cause of death for pregnant women.

Can't you at least have the decency to keep your demented misogyny off the help threads? (If there’s one thing that truly sucks about the “New A2K”, it’s that this demented piece of **** can delight in suffering women’s misery with reckless abandon.)

Deniserichardson: Please, for your own sake as well as your child’s sake, get the hell away from your monster before it’s too late. Not only are you in mortal danger; every time you’re abused that child is being taught to become a monster as well. And be damn careful about leaving: Don’t threaten it, don’t warn it, don’t lay ultimatums (these things may get you the beating of your life or even killed); just pack up when he’s not there and get the hell out. It would be a damn good idea to have friends or family present… or even ask for a police escort (which most police department’s will be happy to provide, since it’s less disturbing than investigating the bloody crime scene when they don’t.) Don’t ever look back… but always look behind you, in your car before getting in, avoid situations where you’re vulnerable etc. Too many of these monsters snap when they lose their power; so do everything in yours to not give him an opportunity to find and/or hurt you.

Notice that every respondent is telling you the same thing, except one. That one is a demented misogynist who advocates the legalization of marital rape and is in all likelihood an abusive monster himself. If you click his profile you can next click “Ignore user” so you don’t have to be subjected to his demented ramblings again.

Good luck to you… and know that there will always be people here you can talk to and get sound advice from. Too many are experts via their own horrific histories… WAY too many.

Take care of you, before it's too late. Or it will be. For you AND your child.

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10 wrote:

I doubt that Denise is around anymore, as we have been inhospitable towards her. My hope is that we will be more helpful the next time someone who wants help comes around.

What the **** is wrong with you? If someone chased the poor woman away; it is you with your demented, misogynistic ramblings. Please man... stay out of the help threads if you have even a shred of decency.

1 Reply

@secondchance,

This should be read, over and over again, until it sinks in.

secondchance wrote:

Hi Denise. I know that you do not know me but I am going to share something with you because I know where you are coming from. When I was 17 I lived with this guy that I knew I was in love with. He was 23, he had a house of his own, a really good job, and he told me he loved me all the time. One day when I got home from school, he seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he saw me talking to some friends of mine, they were guys, and that he didnt like that. I told him that I was sorry and that they were just my friends. That night he raped me. The next day I had to go to the store to get groceries and when I got home he told me that I forgot something. I told him that I would go back and get it but he was soo mad at me. I started to cry. He started to hit me. He told me he was gonna give me something to cry about. After that he found the littlest things to get upset about and start hitting me. One night we went to his parents house for dinner and his mom noticed that I had bruises all over my arms. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that everything was ok, I was just really clummsy. She knew better. She went and asked her son what was going on and he played it off. He told her that I was just clummsy. That night when we got home we started to argue about his mom asking me questions. He started to hit me. The last thing that I remember was him hitting me in the head. One of my neighbors had heard us fighting and she called the cops. I was told later that the cops came and my boyfriend freaked out he continued hitting and kicking me. The cops finally arrested him. I was considered dead. I was not breathing, I had no pulse. The ambulence had to use the paddles to bring me back. I was dead for 10 minutes before they revived me. I was taken to the hospital to be checked out. I had 4 broken ribs, a broken sholder blade, and a crack in my skull. He was taken to jail. I pressed charges against him. Unfortunately all he got was assult and battery. He served three months in jail. THATS IT! I was sooo scared for my life when he got out. But he never came to look for me. I found out 3 months later he ended up getting together with another girl and doing the same to her. Unfortunately, he did kill her. He is now serving a life sentence in a state penetentiary. If you do not get out of that house soon your boyfriend is going to end up killing you. Or worse your baby. Do you think you can live knowing that your boyfriend killed your child. Do you think your child can live with out its mother. I will pray for you and your child. But I suggest you get out of there and fast. Do what ever you have to. Dont think about the material things. Think about your childs life. Think about your life. Good luck on what ever desicion you make.

1 Reply

@OCCOM BILL,

Quote:

What the **** is wrong with you? If someone chased the poor woman away; it is you with your demented, misogynistic ramblings. Please man... stay out of the help threads if you have even a shred of decency.

I purposefully stayed out of this thread till it looked like the misguided souls had blown it with Denise, and then got in to attempt to educate, thus prevent this from happening again. I spent many years in the abuse community helping sexual abuse survivors and their loved ones, I suspect that I know far more about how to help than you do. I came from a physically abusive home, my wife from a sexually abusive home, and my kids were sexually abused. I live this ****, don't you dare degrade me you son of a bitch.

4 Replies

He loves me but my boyfriend is abusive at times...

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