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He loves me but my boyfriend is abusive at times...

 
 
Rockhead
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 09:49 pm
denise, this thread has started to get into things that are not about you...

Please understand that many of us have gone through what you are now enduring.

PLEASE seek help and understanding for you AND your son.

(hugs)
0 Replies
 
Green Witch
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Dec, 2008 10:11 pm
@deniserichardson,
Denise, For help with this problem call The National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
Here is their website:
www.ndvh.org/
They will put you in touch with organizations in your area that will help you and your son find a new, safe place to live. They will give you emotional support so you can get you away from this man who doesn't love you, but loves to hurt you. You deserve a better man. Your son deserves a better role model. Boys who grow up watching their mother being humiliated either suffer with terrible guilt or become abusers themselves. Don't let your son pay the price for your fears. Men like your boyfriend only get more evil over time, they never become loving men, they enjoy the power of hurting women too much to ever change. Good luck and give us updates when you can. People like us worry about people like you and we want to know when you are safe.
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Dec, 2008 02:08 pm
@Green Witch,
Green Witch wrote:
People like us worry about people like you and we want to know when you are safe.


This cannot be said enough, by all of us.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 09:27 am
@deniserichardson,
Would you be willing to wait in vain 40 plus years that is the time frame a neighbor of my folks waited until she let her relationship?

Many people help when it became one beating too many for her and she moved cross country away from the husband and found a good job and a new life.

Now the sad sad part is that after a few years she was talk into returning to her now completely change husband and she did not have time to unpack her bags before a beating cause her to end up in the hospital with tubes in her.

Lord when I hear that I hit the ceiling as I was so damn mad not at the husband but at her for being such a fool and throwing away the new chance for a peaceful life that many people aid her to reach.

Do not be a fool and as a side note even if the man never hit or abuse your son he will grow up assuming that your boyfriend methods of dealing with relationships is correct and you will set up another generation for the hell your boyfriend is putting you through.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 01:15 pm
Denise hasn't come back (yet)! I hope for her sake, she took everyone's advice and is seeking outside help and leave that sorry excuse of a man who has to
beat a helpless woman to feel better.

I would swing a frying pan over his head, as soon as the bastard had fallen asleep. Evil or Very Mad
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chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 02:43 pm
@hawkeye10,
It wasn't just "the ladies", everyone was in complete agreement.

2 men called him a coward. Which I can do nothing but agree.

No one, and I mean no one deserves to be abused, and regardless of what her life is, or what her belief her life is, it can only get better by getting herself and her child out of dangers way.

What we have done, is plant the seed of awareness in her that it doesn't have to be this way, and she can get help.

A relationship where one is beaten is not worth continuing.



BTW cj, I was hoping the same thing. I do hope she comes back and let's us know what's happening.
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secondchance
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 03:36 pm
@deniserichardson,
Hi Denise. I know that you do not know me but I am going to share something with you because I know where you are coming from. When I was 17 I lived with this guy that I knew I was in love with. He was 23, he had a house of his own, a really good job, and he told me he loved me all the time. One day when I got home from school, he seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he saw me talking to some friends of mine, they were guys, and that he didnt like that. I told him that I was sorry and that they were just my friends. That night he raped me. The next day I had to go to the store to get groceries and when I got home he told me that I forgot something. I told him that I would go back and get it but he was soo mad at me. I started to cry. He started to hit me. He told me he was gonna give me something to cry about. After that he found the littlest things to get upset about and start hitting me. One night we went to his parents house for dinner and his mom noticed that I had bruises all over my arms. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that everything was ok, I was just really clummsy. She knew better. She went and asked her son what was going on and he played it off. He told her that I was just clummsy. That night when we got home we started to argue about his mom asking me questions. He started to hit me. The last thing that I remember was him hitting me in the head. One of my neighbors had heard us fighting and she called the cops. I was told later that the cops came and my boyfriend freaked out he continued hitting and kicking me. The cops finally arrested him. I was considered dead. I was not breathing, I had no pulse. The ambulence had to use the paddles to bring me back. I was dead for 10 minutes before they revived me. I was taken to the hospital to be checked out. I had 4 broken ribs, a broken sholder blade, and a crack in my skull. He was taken to jail. I pressed charges against him. Unfortunately all he got was assult and battery. He served three months in jail. THATS IT! I was sooo scared for my life when he got out. But he never came to look for me. I found out 3 months later he ended up getting together with another girl and doing the same to her. Unfortunately, he did kill her. He is now serving a life sentence in a state penetentiary. If you do not get out of that house soon your boyfriend is going to end up killing you. Or worse your baby. Do you think you can live knowing that your boyfriend killed your child. Do you think your child can live with out its mother. I will pray for you and your child. But I suggest you get out of there and fast. Do what ever you have to. Dont think about the material things. Think about your childs life. Think about your life. Good luck on what ever desicion you make.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 04:20 pm
@hawkeye10,
Reread denise's post.

A kick in the butt to get her moving in the right direction appears to be exactly what she is asking for.

Your stating what the goal is is only your distorted opinion. Just because it is stated does not make it so.
IMO the goal is for to not get beaten anymore, and to not risk her childs welfare.

She has expressed fear for herself and her child in multiple ways. She did not ask "how can I improve this relationship?" She asked "What should I do?"

"Do" is the operative word here. What this woman needs to DO is get herself and her child out of a heinous situation.

Being a sicko yourself hawkeye, it's no surprise to me you are trying to see this from the abuser side.

No more responses to you from me will be forthcoming.

hopefully, if denise is reading this, she'll consider the good advice good people are giving, and not think there's all this hope.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 05:11 pm
@hawkeye10,
Hawkeys my lord as a male beating a woman is never a sign of a wonderful gentlemen that any woman should stay with.

When the baby is a few years older he will start forming the opinion that this is the way to deal with women in your life and her staying with him to that point is child abuse even if he never lay a hand on their son.

My first wife hits me to try to provoked me into attacking her without being able to and then still went running to the court system with claims otherwise and it still did not enter my mind to used the fact that if I had wished to I could have place her into a hospital after a few minutes of light exercise.

The only excuse for a man to hit a woman in my opinion, is if she is coming at him with a deadly weapon and males who act otherwise never do change.

Of course, in my current marriage hitting my wife would not be good for my long-term health. The lady had been known to travel by herself around the country with nothing to protect her but a riot shotgun or her 38 in a RV or by way of her Piper.

Long ago I decided if I would ever be lucky enough to get to raise a daughter I would bend heaven and earth to make sure that she turns into a woman like my current wife. A woman that the type of jerk we had been talking about would run from not the other way around.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 05:12 pm
@hawkeye10,
So we are helping her by not telling her the truth?
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 05:22 pm
@hawkeye10,
hawkeye10 wrote:

the goal is to create a better situation, it is not to end a relationship.


A better relationship? What ? So that he's beating her only once a month
instead of every week - is that a better situation?
Abusers - either verbal or physical - do not get better overnight. On the
contrary, abusers get more violent over time, and every woman who is
abused by her boyfriend or husband should immediately get out of the
house and terminate the relationship. There never will be a better situation
unless the abuser himself seeks professional help and removes himself
from the house. After that, it will take years of professional help to change
his mindset from abuser to being an emotional equal to his partner.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 05:42 pm
@secondchance,
I'm glad you're okay now, secondchance. You've picked an apt user name. Welcome to A2K.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 05:51 pm
@jespah,
I agree with all but hawkeye.

Except, I disagree with leaving a note, as a poster said.
And underline that I agree with the people who said be careful.
Don't telegraph this re where you might go.
Pay attention to Green Witch and others who gave numbers or links.
Call the shelter people, don't just go to friends' places.


Welcome to a2k, secondchance.
0 Replies
 
Green Witch
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 05:55 pm
@hawkeye10,
Quote:
the goal is to create a better situation, it is not to end a relationship...


Hawkeye, you obviously know NOTHING about abusive relationships. We are trying to create a better situation by saving this woman's life and the future of her son. . Encouraging her to stay with this creep is encouraging her to risk her life. If the boyfriend came on this forum and said he enjoys beating up his girlfriend and wants to know the best way to do it in order to avoid getting in trouble with the police, would you give him helpful advice on how to go about it? Sometimes you have tell people what they need to hear and not what they want to hear.
0 Replies
 
secondchance
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Dec, 2008 06:12 pm
@jespah,
Thank you very much. Im ok now but I wasnt. Thank God for those great paramedics and doctors
0 Replies
 
JustBrooke
 
  5  
Reply Sun 21 Dec, 2008 07:41 pm
@deniserichardson,
You've had some good advice here, Denise. There is not a lot that I can add. Except I would like to say that if you are using a shared computer from your home, please erase your tracks. Just be smart about it. If he has any log in passwords, etc., you will be erasing his things, too.

Every single day, someone dies at the hand of their abuser. I really hope you, or your child, do not become a part of those sad statistics. It would do you well to consider how you would feel if his anger caused the death of your child. It happens. It happens a lot. And trust me, you don't want to have to live with that for the rest of your life.

As a mother, your child depends upon you to make sound decisions in order to keep him/her safe. You're not making them right now.

http://www.andiesisle.com/BRICKS_FROM_THE_ASHES.html

hawkeye10
 
  -4  
Reply Sun 21 Dec, 2008 08:16 pm
@JustBrooke,
let's deal with facts here, if you don't mind
Quote:
In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. In recent years, an intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims.

Callie Marie Rennison, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 197838, Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief: Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, at 1 (2003), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/ipv01.pdf
http://www.abanet.org/domviol/statistics.html#prevalence
BillRM
 
  2  
Reply Sun 21 Dec, 2008 10:15 pm
@hawkeye10,
Hawkeye what is your point that the death rate is not great enough for her to leave this relationship?

She should then allow herself to be used as a punching bag and wonder when and if he will begin to hurt the boy instead of hitting the door?

I had an old girlfriend who ended up in such a situation and she was not kill all she lost was fifty percent used of her right hand before she wise up and let the jerk.

I remember after hurricane Andrew hit the south Florida are I went around to all my friends to see if I could help them in any way and after knocking on my former lady friend door I met her brand new husband for the first time.

Seem like a very nice guy and I spend a day with him helping do some emergence repair works before moving on.

Found out latter that he beat the hell out of her because a former boyfriend had shown up to see if she and her family needed help.

The coward did not have the guts to give me a hard time in any way and gave me an impression of a very nice guy.
 

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