Visiting a dying friend

G'day mags. How is your elbow? any improvement in the world of sleep?

I'm glad you've got the Florida trip planned.

(I'm always reading along here, as are others. Letting Izzie do the talking's usually best )

Mags, listen to the wisdom of Izzie. Your friend is still alive; affirm her life by being "normal" with her. I suspect that when a person is facing death, it is very pleasant to be with a person whose behavior reminds her that she is still very much alive.

Hey Mags... been thinking about you... did a howl for you at the full moon " albeit it was a quiet one in the rain... but there was a wee howl. Was having a bit of a chat to Noddy " miss her so.

How is your hubby doing with his medical stuff? Any timescale for PSA treatment? Hoping your arm is doing better too and that you are managing sleep with the O2.

Your friend " when is her next grandchild due to arrive?

Such a shame about Colorado " but.... best be safe and comfortable. Florida sounds a great trip " oh, and you get see your Godaughter " that will be wonderful.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh...... I think your friend may possibly have that feeling of being burdensome to her hubby " of course, you all know and her family will know she's not a burden " but it’s as JLNobody says " "normality" - it must be very hard for her to watch those that she loves “watch her” as she becomes weaker or endures more pain.

It is terribly hard for them to watch and they probably wish to act as normal as they can around her " but the pain will show on their faces everyday " it’ll be hard to laugh at life and everyday goings on, when it all hangs on a “when”. I would imagine her hubby and family wants to appear as normal as possible " but that would be an impossible task. Friends and family feel guilty for “carrying on”. Strangely, I think the only people who can do that " are little kids " they just “do” and “be” " we can’t do that as adults in these circumstances.


I do believe that people choose their time " I might have said that before " your friend may not be able to keep going as long as her family wish, or she may wish, but .... conversely (might not be the right word there), she may also choose her time for peace sooner if she feels as tho it is too hard for her family and she is tired.

Obviously, that’s only my thoughts " I think if I were her " I’d hold onto every good breath I could......but there comes a time when the thought of everyone waiting ... well, I believe people who have such illnesses and using pain meds to make the breaths more comfortable " they choose their time when they become very tired.

Keep talking to her as much as you can " and tell her all the “normal” everyday things that go on in your life. Make her days count as best you are able, albeit from a distance. She may not take it all in, especially on meds " but I know, (tho it’s not remotely the same) that although my best friend feels the things I go thru when I feel a little poorly, she is the one person in real life who will still rib me, make me laugh and take the mick out of me at every opportunity, with total compassion and unconditional love inside her. People think we are quite wierd. Be the best friend you have always been to her, reassure her about hubby and the family... and very importantly, ensure you are telling someone, hubby, us, anyone... how you feel. As much as your friend has to leave this life " you’re in pain too. She’ll wish to know about your everyday " she, I would imagine, would wish to be the friend she has been to you and there for you as best she can, for as long as she can.


I was talking to someone yesterday " I take pictures a lot to try and describe feelings " so putting this pic here for you " to me, it says " one drop, a moment in time and at any split second it can drop down and dissolve into the earth " making something else grow. You don’t know when it will drop down " it could be when the sun shines, or the breeze blows " it will definitely drop " but then it will dissolve into whatever it falls upon...



When the time comes, all those feelings from all the years that you have been with your friend will go into a special place in your heart, and her family and friends, and tho she won’t be with them " life will still grow around them and carry on and bringing new life in a different way. It won’t be as perfect and round and shiny in the sun like it was as a dewdrop " but it never really goes. She will live on in all of you.

<the person told me I think way deep, but thatsme and my thoughts could be hogwash " they’re probably right and I do project way too much " but hopefully you’ll understand what I’m trying to say here>

Hugs to you Mags " keep your strength knowing that you have been blessed with the love of a friendship which is the greatest gift. You friend has been blessed with your the gift you gave her. Hold onto that.

Much love
xx

ehBeth ;and Nobody.....I don't know why, but I am surprised and touched that you are watching and waiting with me as Izzie and I struggle through this. Thank you so much for your advice..

yes, I a =m sleeping better with the oxygen, and am noticing more energy during the day. I found out yesterday that my insurance company bought the cpap machine, so it is mine. I may well decide to try it again when I check in with my pulmonologist in six months. thank you for your caring

Thinking of you Mags - how are you and hubby doing? How's your friend...?


xxxx

The last two times I have called my friend, I have gotten the answering machine, and no one has called me back. This either means she feels well enough to go out, or bad enough that they are not answering the phone, I hope it's the former.
I am sleeping pretty well with the oxygen and feeling good.
read on another thread that your chick has a skin virus. Hope that['s better, and that you are doing well.

Love
Mags

My friend called me yesterday. She and her family are planning her funeral, and she wants me to speak. She wants me to read a poem I wrote about our friendship some 23 years ago, called Soul Sisters. I said I would be honored to do so, and I truly am.
she is acknowledging my importance in her life, and hers in mine. I am deeply touched by this gesture. I only hope I can do it justice and not break down.

Hey Mags

ohhhhhhhhhhh....

an honour that she has bestowed upon you - and it must be very daunting right now to be thinking of having to do this... knowing when you do, she will have passed on

thinking...



I can only think from my past experience when my friend died. He died, unexpectedly - and I didn't know his wife as well as I knew him - she and I are now true and great friends, borne out of heartbreak. I was with him when he died - tho of course when she phoned me that morning, we never knew he was gonna die. I remember it like it was yesterday - it was 15 months ago less 3 days. I can only project again...

We planned the funeral together side by side - to the last detail - it was almost macabre to a point - laughing about things we would imagine going wrong on the day, imagining how she and our children would even get thru... or even to, the day. What words could, if they could, be spoken. Whether she would collapse or break out in hysterical laughter during the service. Strange, weird, awful......... but full of love.

She did manage. The coffin did not fall off anyones shoulders as the pall bearers walked. The children didn't fall apart as the "life celebration" took place - it was not a "normal" funeral service - it was..... very different. It had to be - we weren't expecting it and we had never planned anything like that before. We didn’t know what we were doing.

They were pagans " something I didn’t really understand much about at the time.

Mags, I didn’t know how Tulip (Annis) would be able to get up and talk. I didn’t know if she would have the strength.... or the will. I told her that it didn’t matter if she couldn’t do it " she knew what she wanted to say and she could just sit there if she wished to... and not say anything out loud. Everyone would understand. Gosh.......... tears here now. However, she did get up " from somewhere within her " she stood up, walked over to him " and it was like no other person was in the room. She spoke to him " just to him. I still don’t know how she did it.

Mags, you will find the strength to do this for your friend " and Mags, you can break down, you can cry, your voice can waiver.... you can even stop... and if you can’t manage to get the words out " that will alright too " this honour that your friend is giving you " is not about standing up in front of many people at a sad ceremony " it’s her wish for you and her to have a final chat to one another in the same room and for those people in the room to know who you are to her " the poem you wrote her many years ago was about sharing your souls " and that’s what you’ll be doing. When you wrote it 23 years ago " that was one of the most beautiful gifts you gave her " now she is asking if you will say it out loud as she has to leave you in this life.

I know now, that if my soulsister, who is my second half " if she had to leave me or vice versa " that standing up and telling the world how I felt about her one more time " then, it would not be hard to do " I would make sure I made it easy to do " I would just think of the love we share and how much she means to me.

Try to imagine when the time comes that you are talking to her " that she is stood beside you and holding your hand and if you feel as tho you haven’t got the strength " draw on the years you had together just to read her the poem you wrote for her. You don’t need to look at anyone else, you don’t need to say it very loud " perhaps your hubby or her hubby could stand with you " maybe you could quietly say to them that if you look a little unsteady, that someone stands beside you.

I do know that when another friend of mine died, which was expected, she had cancer and I spent time with her before she died (she was like a second mom when I was a teenager) " we had this wonderful “life celebration” in a tiny, tiny church in the middle of the moors at Sampford Spiney " as my mom and I drove over the moors that day the sun was shining and there was this incredible rainbow which must have been touching the church.... anyway, Marjories funeral was just..... amazing " she was in a wicker basket covered in flowers.... it looked like a big picnic basket with yellow flowers on top - just.... beautiful " she was wheeled in and ... well, it wasn’t sad.

It was actually a blessing for her when she died " she had been in much pain a long time. So, what she planned, down to the very last detail, was that she didn’t want anyone crying and wailing for her " she wanted a real “celebration” of her life " she asked that everyone who could, stood up from wherever they were sitting and say a few words about her... almost everyone in the church did. I didn’t. I couldn’t " I wasn’t strong enough " it’s a regret I will always I have. My mom read out what I wanted to say " but I just couldn’t do it " but that’s OK, she would have understood, she told me at the hospice she didn’t expect me to be able to do it - being the “emotional” person I am " but she would still be listening. After everyone had said their memory... she had arranged for cookies from a tiny island off of Scotland where she used to love to visit, to be given to everyone with a cup of tea.... this was in the church!!!!! We all had to break the cookie and share the half with someone we didn’t know and then put our arms around them and hug them. It was brilliant. No sadness, just ... very peaceful " it really was a celebration and she was pain free.

Now, if I were asked to say something at a funeral " it would not be hard because to me, now, it’s not about saying goodbye " it’s saying thank you for all the memories, for all the times we shared and for what you meant to me. I think thats why your friend asked you to read the poem. She wants to thank you for everything you are to her, and will always be to her. It’s the last thing she can do to let you know you share her soul.

Celebrate her life Mags and the life you shared " you will do it justice because that’s the person you are to her. It’s a poem you wrote - for just the two of you. No-one else. Just you and your friend. She’ll be right beside you holding your hand.

The service will be in a big, bad catholic church. the idea of a random heretic (as I describe myself in the poem) standing up and being heard in a catholic church is both powerful and daunting. In my girlhood, such a thing would have been unthinkable. My friend knows this and is granting me this power

Stay true to you Mags, poetry can be very powerful, especially if it's one you have written. I'm assuming your friend is a practising Catholic if her funeral is planned for a church..... I guess she's giving you the comfort zone of your poem so that you can be with her at the church - yet still staying true to you. Does that make sense?

Yep... she'll continue to be a friend to you, even after.

I think you're right....she's granting me a comfort zone. we have talked many, many times about religion. In the poem, I describe her as a Catholic druid.
Despite her differences with the church, she has managed HER comfort zone with it and has remained an open minded, big tent Catholic. I couldn't do that. I either had to swallow it whole, or spit it out.
she knows the pain it has caused me in the past. In fact, when I fell away from the church, my parents didn't speak to me for seven years.

Yeah.... I reckon that could be maybe even an unconcious plan for you... or a concious plan - after all, best friends always have a way lined up when it comes the crucial times... that's from knowing the friend inside out and backsy forwards...

she's choosing to remain with the church despite her differences and to have her celebration there, and knowing that it would be hard for you, your personal beliefs to be in there doing the big "religion" thing.... so she's giving you a comfort zone to hold on to, pyhysically as well if you hold a piece of paper to give you the strength and so you don't have to fiddle with your hands by your side, or in prayer... you can hold the piece of paper/card tight with the words on - and as you read them remember they are for her........... not for the rest of the mourners.......... they are for her, about you, your friendship and love. She's saying "go girl - say your peice!... don't hold it - say it for you, with her love and blessing -

maybe there's a little side there too where she is hoping you will find your peace as you read to her.

well..... she's know already how hard it will be in the situation you'll be in, leave alone the reasons / thoughts of why you left catholicism ( which, I'm afraid I know very little about - I am a christian I believe, but I'm not too sure what that means quite honestly - I've questioned my belief in everything since ... well since 2004 - but I am comfortable where I am at the moment and I believe in something - mainly nature at the moment but possibly there's some faith still inside me - I pray talking to when I see something miraculous, you know, trees, flowers, leaves, dew drops - those are miracles - it changes daily - sorry - digressed again)

so...

yes - she is giving you the power to walk into church on a day that will be hard, one of the hardest, and where most will be praying - and she's giving you the power to stay true to you - as well as let everyone know that "not believing" didn't change your relationship with your friend, you loved, you cared and your love for her and her family, you would put that before the beliefs/or non beliefs that you have. Maybe... (maybe I'm talking hogwash)

I think you are incredibly brave Mags and she is very lucky to have you. I know you can do this and you will be strong - your friend is telling you you are strong enough to do this - that's why she wants you to be beside her at such an important time. Yeah... maybe...

Try not to mourn now Mags..... keep talking to her when you can, let her continue to live, talk about how you will read the poem to her an that you are in a priviliged position to be one of the people who is closest in her world - and the joy that's brought you. Start the celebration of the GOOD things you shared, memories and try and laugh with her still. You could use the poem to share another laugh about your random heresy a?

You will absolutely do this Mags - I can hear it from you - you are stronger already, figuring out why she has given this honour to you. Be big and brave hun - make her proud - say your piece.

Much love and hugs dear lady. x

My only other worry about going up to the front of the church and up some steps is that I am not always steady on my feet and am afraid of falling. I talked to hubby about it at lunch today and, of course, he offered to go up with me so that I would not stumble, or god forbid, fall down. (although my friend and I would have had a laugh at that)

Hey Mags

How's things?

Don't worry about the church - hubby can be beside you and be there for you to take your hand/arm...

Hugs and love xxxx

My friend called me to wish me a happy birthday, two weeks late. I told her not to worry about it. She is spending a lot of time with her new grandson. She told me she coughed up some blood day before yesterday. She is dying by inches.She said she would like to come back and talk to people after she dies, and asked if I would like for her to do that to me. I said I'd welcome it. I lost a friend to breast cancer six years ag0, and she still comes to me in dreams.
we know so little of what comes after

Thinking of you Mags - hugging you tight and holding your hand girl. x

I had a dream last night....it was easter sunday and my friend showed up at mass in a rabbbit costume. we laughed so hard. I called her this morning to tell her about the dream. She was asleep, so I told her husband. He had a good laugh and said he would tell her when she woke up.

Thinking of you and your friend...

love x

I think she's waiting for the other baby to arrrive at the end of May. There is a small part of me...perhaps the little girl part...who prays that she will recover. Sometimes when I talk to her on the phone, she sounds so strong. But I know small cell carcinoma does not go into remission. What a bummer. I feel so bad for her, and her husband and her family. I don't know what he will do without her. They have always been such a cute couple. Just made for each other.

Hey ((((Mags)))).... how's things girl? How are you? x