My father is a very ugly and stupid rapist sadly his genes live in me too - and his perverted urge

I am very sure that some of my feelings and thoughts are a direct result of my fathers genetics. He has fetal alcohol syndrom disorder and is a rapist, a narc who abandoned my mother, sister and me early. It traumatised me but I assume it's better to have no father than such a thing around! He is very ugly but broad and high, so he got another woman wjo looks slightly better than my mother (orgress) who suffered from cancer. My mother is a hunter and more masc. My face and hairline/head is more designed after my father and I assume the feelings towards normal pretty women I developed come from him. I sometimes get the urge to choke them, abuse, rape, kill them or try to make them my own o try to kill their spouse and children. I never did anything of this, only once I choke one as I was 11. But I have violent urges against them and often see them more like a man would imo. It's automatic! I also can't handle my reactions and need to smile when I found one pretty/fckable. I get warmth in me and shame sometimes but also this angry feeling and sadness when I know a desired woman doesn't want me. That I developed same sex attraction is maybe the fault of both my parents. Both are very ugly from some syndroms, one I know of is the FAS of my father. I am sad at my heart that I a often develope feelings for unavailable women, who have similar body shapes as me but find me too ugly and they have a opposite mind. It's very hurtful and I wish them something bad, I dream about violating them so I can dominate them but reality is I do nothing and tell me, hey maybe someone else makes them bow one day. I don't want to make my hands dirty and want to look at myself and future to get better and maybe I find someone that loves me as I need and search for. I have hope but there is this perversion, I also liked some media like Parfum Story of a Murderer and Beast with Jonny Flynn, I imagine myself as the murderer and rapist because I don't want that these women are touched by somebody, I don't want that they create children (especially sons anofher rapists), I don't want to fail. Saldy I am very ugly and I am alway attacked for.my face and hairline head. Its not only partnerships that don't work but friendships, getting jobs and such everything in life is affected. I found nobody who loves me, this eats me up so much. I wish I could rape a woman who attracts my interest. I also can't stop starring sometimes in their eyes, I think they know exactly what I want lol. It's little embarassing after I realize how creepy I must be but it makes my also angry. I didn't choose to be born in such a way.