A good cry on the train

It was great to see you guys also. And it was particularly fun since there were no cops or ambulances involved...which is not always the case.

Goddam wind was really blowing on the Hudson, I must say...and watching Thomas climb those straight up stairways on the lightboat while holding a couple of beers was a beautiful thing to behold.


TO EVERYONE READING: Although Joe Nation (we know him as Jonathan) has been going through some heavy **** lately, he was in fine form…joking and enjoying himself like the old Jonathan. If I am any judge of things…in a couple of years, he will be completely back to normal…if you can call his “normal” normal.

(Just kidding. Breakups sting...and recovery involves a whole bunch of stuff. But I see him heading in the right direction. Even though this is New York City (where people are supposedly unapproachable) he and I had several animated conversations with people who just happened to be in our area--including some very fine-looking ladies in line before us at the hamburger joint.. J is gonna be fine...and soon.)

Thanks for that assurance and report. Appreciated.

I think that ladies are wise to the fact that courteous gentlemen invite fine-looking ladies to precede them the better to admire the ladies' finer points.

I'm sure they've made that observation.

Nice report, Frank, I can picture it all.

I'm enjoying reading your poetry, Joe, and the outward-looking-ness of those sunrises.

Now lay in a large supply of cocoa and I won't worry about you, in the long term.

Well, we talked.

And I have clarity about this.

Something I suspected.

I went mad and she came to her senses.

She says, and I agree, she tried to reach me, but I was blind.
The only thing I fault her for is for giving up so soon.

Joe(I am crazy, you know that, right?)Nation

Yea, crazy as a fox.

Does this mean you tossed the gifts and cards a day too soon?

Blame me.

Last things first: I think you are far from crazy...but during a rejection period, the person doing the rejecting can often make you suppose you are. This is made easier by the fact that, for you, it is more comfortable to suppose you are crazy and at the crux of the problem...than to suppose almost anything else.

Working my way up the list: I doubt you were blind. I suspect you want to see what was happening in another light right now...to make it seem you are crazy and at the crux of the problem...because doing so is more comfortable than supposing almost anything else.

But this is all part of the process. For a while (no telling how long) you will continue to wonder if you had only folded the towels they way she wanted rather than the way you wanted...if things would have ended up differently. You'll wonder if you had left the salt shaker on the left and the pepper shaker on the right...if things would have ended up differently. You'll wonder if you had put the toilet paper so it comes off the top rather than from the back...if things would have ended up differently.

And you will blame some form of insanity on your part for most of this...and see her "clearness of head" as one of the reasons you thought so dearly of her.

Anyway...like I mentioned to you...it only took me two or three years to finally get a smile back on my face when it happened to me. Of course, I had the help of the psychiatrist which you cannot afford.

But Thomas and I...and maybe Kicky...are pretty good at that ****. I doubt we can do twice-a-week sessions that I needed for those years, but we can work out once every two weeks...and with plenty of Corona Extra that should be enough. We'll help get you damn near back to what you think of as NORMAL.

Remember...the next session is free if we get that tour of The Cloisters we asked about!

To Frank et al:
Here's the truth, I suffer and have suffered from depression for years, sometimes it's better, sometimes it's bad. This whole winter, starting with my first injury in October, the missing marathon (due to Sandy) losing my job and getting exacerbated with my second injury, led to me becoming more and more withdrawn.
I was not me.
C. didn't convince me of this, I had already had long conversations with myself and knew that our parting had had nothing to do any fault of hers, but I did my damnedest to convince myself that I had been abandoned by her. That didn't work for long once I heard her voice on the phone.
The part of my brain that knew the truth shouted "Hey, You abandoned her."

All she did was close the door.

We have had two long animated conversations, one last night and one beginning at 6:45AM when I sent her the above SkyWriting. The door is ajar.

We may never be as we were, but we may become something.

First, I have work to do. I have a mountain to climb so that I can see the rest of the mountains I have to climb.

Joe(I kept telling you that all this was so unlike her.)Nation

Listen to Frank.

There were things that people at a distance saw that you couldn't.

~~~

I will say one thing - she could have shut the door before the move. I think your brother hinted (at least) at it.

I am listening, I just know how sick I am.

or maybe how sick I might be

Joe(I could be worse)Nation

Wishing Joe well...crazy or not.

here is what hamburgboy has always said

one hand for the ship, one hand for yourself

___

in translation:

you can't fix the rigging if you let go of it

This was my first post about the split:


emphasis mine.

I am very good at hiding my pain.

Joe(she just got fed up with hiding)Nation

aka she became unwilling to suffer your pussyfooting around, your being a fake.

Oh, it's not pussyfooting, Hawkeye, it's determined avoidance, I think.
I'm going to ask my therapist.

Joe(you should ask yours)Nation

It's neigh near impossible to find a therapist who 1) takes Medicare and 2) is in my Medicare Complete Plan.

Joe(gah)Nation

On we go. We tried talking some more, we talked for an hour and forty minutes about nothing. She told me she loved me, but wasn't 'in love' with me.

That stung. But became the center of my meditation this week....and the more time passed, the more I was okay and I rolled up the pain in a little ball and chewed it up.

I think she's gone now. (I had visions of us being friends, like the close friends I have, but, again, as I kept meditating on this, she became smaller. Now, she is as she was before I fell in love with her, someone I knew in high school.) Cue that song....."Someone I used to know...."

I won't be calling her anymore or Skyping with her.
(Hey, I need some people to Skype with....I like having dinner with a face in front of me. Who's game?)

I've switched back to where I was before: In disbelief, and not a little anger, that, for someone who talked about wanting to share "a lifetime of this", all it took to evaporate our relationship was its first crisis.

Here's the latest: I found her apron hanging on the side of the fridge, emailed me, asked if she wanted it. She replied, yes. It goes today in a mailer.

Joe(no note, just apron)Nation