A good cry on the train

Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2008 11:51 pm
@Joe Nation,
Oh, Joe!

I've cried some tears for you, this week.

That ring is going to be the bane of your life.

Wear it, and it tears you to shreds.
Don't wear it, and it tears you to shreds - and you have to explain to people.

I hope you get a cat when it can be a welcome friend, not a bandaid (plaster?).
(the same rule applies to human female companionship, in a perfect world)

I'm so sorry to think of all the rattling around you will do, for a while.

Cook complicated meals - and eat them.

Be gentle with yourself. Take comfort at the sheer volume of people who wish you well. it must count for something.
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 12:21 am
4 years ago my fiancee passed away very unexpectedly while I was out of town. She had a sudden aneurysm. I came home and found her body. Words could not possibly describe the grief I experienced. I thought the grieving would never end - but it did. With faith (I am a Buddhist - place your own faith here) and time things do get better and we become better people because of it.

Good luck Joe!
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 12:53 am
Nick, I remember you telling about this before, and it hit me then too. I'll throw you a hug even though time has passed.

We all see this through our own prisms, appropriately enough. But all of us have empathy.

The ring. It stayed in a velvet box for a long time, about eight years from the actual leaving. Then one day, in a new city far away, I was looking around among my rings (I like rings), stared at it, tried it on. I like it, we picked it out together for its modern simplicity, hard to describe, sort of a square with a line in the middle, superior jeweler but not expensive. He never wore rings and didn't want one (no, not a signal, then anyway). In a few months he decided he really liked mine and had one made to match for a guy, in silver. They were/are cool rings, probably wedding bands but not necessarily. So, I wear it now once in a blue moon, on my right hand, just like I wear my mother's wedding ring, a really small almost wire of platinum, or her engagement ring from the thirties, or my grandmother's thick gold one from the 1890's. It's not about anything, really. Don't want him back. Another ring among the ones that matter or have mattered, with a little rue and a little pleasure in the wearing. I also wear a ring a fellow brought me from Norway once in a while. Not a token, but not freighted.

Takes time to lose the bulk of the freight.
Cats help time move.

Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 01:09 am

Empathizing, sympathizing, and other-izing.

Thinking about you.

Patience is not one of my virtues; I hope it's one of yours. You need time, kid.
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 01:15 am

Yes, when does one get to the "Ah, f*ck it!" stage?

0 Replies
Diest TKO
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 02:02 am
ossobuco wrote:
Cats help time move.

I can't convey how true this is. Mine seems like it hates me most of the time, but when I'm sad, it's always near me.

Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 02:09 am
@Diest TKO,
Same with my dog, the near me part. He never hated me since I snagged him out of dog jail.
0 Replies
Diest TKO
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 03:48 am
Dear Joe,

I'm without words. I see this thread and I just want to be here. I feel in all ways inadequate in the ability to help you through this.

T (wishing I could take some of the burden for you) KO
0 Replies
Joe Nation
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 04:40 am
Before I head out the door this morning I must stop and say to each and everyone of you: thanks for being here with me. This is like being on some huge conference call, I get to drone on and on ( I leave out the actual sounds of the cryings jags.) and your words in reply really make me feel so much better.

Um. Yes, cook complicated meals (see that clam sauce above, dat's next)

Er. No cats until after the first of the year. (I am going to Florida. yes. I. am.)

I think someday two things may happen: I will think of my ring as jewelry as Osso so beautifully wrote about doing and L and I will have some sort of friendship, but only if it really, really.....really adds something to my life. (Someone remind of this second thought in the future.)

Again, thank you all, you think you know how much you've helped but you're wrong.

Joe(It's so much more than you can imagine.)Nation
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 06:11 am
@Joe Nation,
Such a mensch, that Joe...

The "normal" story brought back memories of the biggest break-up in my life, a college relationship but very intense. A couple of years together, lived together, very wrapped up in each other, etc. A musician, but not a stereotypical one -- a bit of a square (no drinks, no drugs) and a straight arrow (got so mad at a bandmate for cheating on his wife that he didn't talk to him for months).

But he cheated on me, on tour, all the cliches. He knew it was a deal-breaker. It was.

We were mature about it mostly though -- emotions ran high of course (to say I was devastated would be an understatement), but we went about finishing this phase with some equanimity.

My dad came to take me and my stuff home. (I was only 20, and had no place to stay for the summer.) My dad was outraged on my behalf. Could barely look at the ex. There was some sort of transportation from one place to another -- I can't remember details -- where all my stuff was in the back seat, but three of us had to get somewhere. So I sat on my ex's lap. Still normal at the time. My dad was flummoxed. Kept shooting us looks as we chatted, normally.

It was actually over though.

Definitely had to be NOT-friends for a while.
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Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 06:56 am
@Joe Nation,


0 Replies
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 08:48 am
My first wedding ring went to a good cause. I had it, my college rings(which my overindulgent parents insisted on buying, not me), and my hS class ring, were all melted down and cast into a series of sort of "nuggets" .
This was then made into a pendant necklace for my dearest love who still wears it proudly and is always glad to relate the story of where all the gold comes from in that center nugget and two smaller side nuggets. When I did it, it was not common practice, now, everyone seems to have a necklace of "life nuggets" around their necks .
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Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 09:08 am
Joe, perhaps a different ring - a freedom ring? - yes, let freedom ring - to replace the wedding ring? When you are ready of course. The grief process must be endured and it isn't fun. But as so many have already expressed, it isn't forever. Florida. Wait until it stops raining.
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 09:45 am
I bought myself a divorce ring and oftentimes wear it proudly on my right hand.
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Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 09:50 am
I hang onto things and attempt to convince myself that it doesn't mean anything, that I have really moved on. Only recently I remove The Monster's photo from the wall (we broke up 4years ago) and now I am (grudgingly) getting rid of the dresser that was with me for 10 years. It was from him, my first (and for years the only) piece of furniture I owned in the States.
I don't know if it matters, I think I would be equally stuck if I did get rid of those things, but maybe not. Maybe it is better to melt them, burn them, throw them out... but I was never the one for such. I hoard things, including memories.
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Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 10:09 am
@Joe Nation,
Aww Joe. That story about the cats. You're giving her both cats -- and then do this whole, thoughtful, in advance preparation to make it easier too. You have such a big heart. Incomprehensible. (That such a big heart got this break-up, not that you have one.)
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Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 12:46 pm
So my family had a big huge yard sale last weekend. I was wandering around my house, picking out more things to go, and I discovered in the back of the closet, a leather motorcycle jacket. That jacket used to belong to my ex-fiancee, oh, about 16 years ago. Yes, it went to the yard sale pile.

(course it didn't sell at the yard sale, and my brother took it, and so it goes.... or doesn't)
0 Replies
High Seas
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 02:21 pm
Foxfyre - I don't understand the part about "grief must be endured": maybe, but does it have to be continuous?

What I had in mind, to be specific, was picking up Joe at his apartment in Manhattan, driving over the GW bridge to an airport in New Jersey that rents small planes, and taking him for a tour of the Hudson river - say, to Albany and back. I suspect that sheer, unmitigated terror at my flying technique should wipe out the grief, at least temporarily. So should feelings of overwhelming gratitude to the deities, upon safe landing.

If the thread judges otherwise, though, I'm not offering.....
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 02:26 pm
@High Seas,
Distraction is good, near death experiences, uh...
(I like 'em, not sure 'bout Joe)
Reply Thu 21 Aug, 2008 02:33 pm
Distraction is good, near death experiences, uh...
(I like 'em, not sure 'bout Joe)

Have u had any of them, Rocky ?


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