ME MYSELF I - The pros & cons of the solo life

As to pros and cons, I would just say its best to keep an open mind...

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Always, snood! That's me! Very Happy

But I'm allowed to be a wee bit perplexed, yes?

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Oh yes! Men and women have been eliciting that reaction from one another for all time.

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Indeed. You speak the truth! Very Happy

But it's supposed to get easier to understand with experience. Wisdom & all that. It aint necessarily so.

And the assumption from my 2 good women friends that "a nice man" would sort of make everything wonderful? Like hey, where did that come from?

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That kind of unspoken expectation is put on men, as well. If one is alone and employed and tidy, then he must be gay.

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Yes, but that is a silly generalization. I have had gay friends who are messy, seasonally employed & lots of fun!
Mine was put to me by two women who know me very well!

Don't missunderstand me. I'm not a man-hater, or anything like that .... it's just that sometimes a person has to spend some gentle time alone, get their thoughts (& marbles! :wink: ) together, recover from experiences that have hurt them badly & decide what they want out of life after this... That's me.
The last thing I crave is be back into a demanding relationship. It surprises me that two friends would think that was a good idea right now.

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I do understand what you're saying. If people that I considered close suggested something like that to me (something I knew inside not to be right for me), it would bother me, and make me question how close they actually were.

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msolga wrote:

Two episodes, both yesterday.

If you have the time & inclination, your feedback would be appreciated, dear reader:

* Episode # 1:

Leaving the my job yesterday ... I've been at this workplace for two years & today is the last day of my contract. My friend, E, escorts me to my car & tells me how much she'll miss me. Then she says: " .... and msolga, I hope that very soon you'll meet a nice man & be very happy."
ME: "But E, I'm not looking for a nice man."
E <looking very knowing>: "Ah, but msolga, it's when we're not looking that these things happen!"

Later, that same afternoon, I'm having lunch with my good friend, D. I tell her of this conversation, repeating: "But I'm not looking."

To my astonishment, D then looks at me all knowing, too! .. and says: "It's when we're not looking that these things happen!" Big smile from D.

Question: Dear reader, how can these 2 good women, who know me very well, assume that meeting another man will make things in my life wonderful? Does one size fit all, perhaps? Am I assumed to be waiting for my prince to come, despite everything I've said to them over time?

Episode # 2:

I arrive home from lunch with D, feeling quite relaxed & pleased that the school year (a hard one) is now over. In my letterbox, along with some Christmas cards, I find a small, flat package. Inside I find a copy of a boppy Nigerian album that I used to have on LP, but wasn't able to find on CD. I loved it! And here it is, with no note, no message, no nothing .... There is only one person who knows how much I liked this music & would have sent this, dear reader. My Ex. Who hasn't contacted me since he got married, very early in the year. (He hasn't told me about this yet, BTW)
I wish he hadn't sent that to me. It made me feel crumby for a while.

Question # 2: Now why the hell would he want to remind me of his existence at Christmas, Hmmmm? He hasn't bought me Christmas presents for years, since we split up. To be nice? (Ha!) Guilt? Or something contrary, like to remind me of him, just in case I might have forgotten? Hoping that I'm pining away, perhaps?

Question 1.
In a Noah's Ark sort of world, people just assume you want to be paired off?

I dunno.

Christmas makes people worry you are lonely, since it is such a family time?

You are giving off a subtle, not evident to you, "relationship" vibe?

2. Hmmmm....Christmas making him feel all nostalgic?

You're now a bird in the bush (and we all know a bird in the hand gradually becomes less enticing, while one in the bush.....)

He just saw it and wanted you to have it?

(I see stuff I know exes would love all the time......)

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msolga wrote:

Question # 2: Now why the hell would he want to remind me of his existence at Christmas, Hmmmm? He hasn't bought me Christmas presents for years, since we split up. To be nice? (Ha!) Guilt? Or something contrary, like to remind me of him, just in case I might have forgotten? Hoping that I'm pining away, perhaps?

You think too much msolga.

Men dont operate (usually) at such depth. He saw it, thought of you, bought it. Now hes just got married and if he puts any kind of note in you'll phone and thank him. What if his new wife takes the call .....she gonna read a whole lot more into it than was ever intended. Also he didn't really know what to say.... ergo no note.

Accept the gift, enjoy it, simple.

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dlowan wrote:

(I see stuff I know exes would love all the time......)

Yeah, me too.
But I don't act on it, especially if I think a gift from me (or the contact) wouldn't be welcomed.
It's not.
I think he knows that.

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dapad

He would be very surprised I made contact, gift or no gift from him. I'd prefer he makes no contact at all. And thought he understood that.

You wouldn't wonder why, if someone you'd had a 20 year relationship with had suddenly sent you a gift out of the blue? When the last contact, very earlier this year, was quite unpleasant?

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alright so turf it. Just stop examining the possible motives and scenarios. like i said thinking 'bout things like this just makes trouble.

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I'm not exactly obsessing. And I'm not about to make "trouble".

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it is a little strange but enjoy it and forget him.

Have a lovely break and switch off - time to chill and think all you want and snuggle up with that lovely little mspoppy. Time to take some photos too Twisted Evil

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Hi Vivien

.. more than a little strange if you knew the whole story, but hey, what the heck!
It just upset me, having that reminder when he'd been put well & truly in some back storeroom of my brain. That's all.

Yep, chill out time ...... with the camera! OK! OK! Laughing

And you have a terrific break, too, Vivien. Greetings to himself, Rosie & paddy! Very Happy

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sigh. Monster used to do it all the time, until I told him to stop. Ex is not really thinking of pleasing you that much, it makes HIM feel good to send what he knows you like and the fact that it could aggravate you and disturb your balance doesn't cross his mind. I had to spell it out for the Monster. He stopped.

Hahaha, as an aside, I was laughing my ass of yesterday. Monster sent me an email (we keep in touch sporadically) with a photo of his new mercedes - he is building it into biodiesel because he "renounces this country's dependence on oil". he quite obviously has no clue how oil trade works and how dependent every last thing is on it. I wrote back suggesting he stops buying anything plastic to begin with... and that George Bush also says "I'm doing it for the children" yet noone told the kids... Anyway, he was ticked off, I think he expected I'd praise him to high heavens for it... And I would if he pitched it as a fun project that might help out a little in my own way to reduce oil consumption.... but if you come with "I renounce this country's dependence on oil" you will get sh*t from people. In any case it amused me tremendously.

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dagmaraka wrote:

sigh. Monster used to do it all the time, until I told him to stop. Ex is not really thinking of pleasing you that much, it makes HIM feel good to send what he knows you like and the fact that it could aggravate you and disturb your balance doesn't cross his mind. I had to spell it out for the Monster. He stopped.

Thank you, dag. It takes one whose been tangled up with a monster to know how they can still get to you, way after the relationship has folded! :wink: I was beginning to feel like some sort of silly prima donna here, carrying on about nothing. Confused

Of course getting an anonymous, personal gift like that, from a person whose wreaked havoc in your life is confusing & upsetting. It doesn't help that he's been incommunicado almost the whole of this year & hasn't even told me he's married! For all he knows, I mightn't even know yet! Grrrrrrrrr! And of course it's all about HIM, nothing to do with being "nice & caring". Thanks. You've made me feel less of a goose for even bringing the subject up.

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I was like totally single for 12 years, never dated, then I met the lady Diane. I found my bliss.

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Oh, we know, dys!
You are a very, very lucky man! Very Happy

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... dunno for certain whether I could ever do it again, though. It's taken quite an effort to get back on my feet again. I'm really proud of achieving that & have become quite cautious about these things! :wink:

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ME MYSELF I - The pros & cons of the solo life

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