ME MYSELF I - The pros & cons of the solo life

sozobe

Good morning to you & your sweet sozlet!
And thank you for your positive & warm thoughts!

Nah, I can't imagine Craven commenting. But if he does, I can cope!

Nope, I don't feel any pressure. Another thing I've learned over the past few difficult years: Just go with the flow. Every yucky thing passes! Above all treasure the serene moments. They're a blessing!

Last week was reading an article about home ownership developments in Melbourne & discovered this:

"Futurists have predicted that single households will be the fastest growing sector of the housing market for the next 30 years.
By 2034 the projection is that 90% of Australian households will contain only one or two people."

The trend has already begun, in a big way. There has been a boom in the production of compact single person apartments in the inner city over the past few years, while the outer suburbs are experiencing just the opposite - Gigantic family homes - 2 living areas, "parent retreats", multiple bathrooms, etc, etc ...
Interesting. Imagine how the inner & outer suburbs of a big city like Melbourne will develop as a result of these trends. Potentially 2 very different cultures in the same city, worlds apart.

So, fellow solo people, it seems we are creating something very different & new by choosing this life style. We're making history. Interesting.

msolga, Don't you think population changes occur in cycles in countries? I'm a believer that the overall population of this planet will continue to grow, but some countries will show gains, while others will show little or no growth. It may be caused by natural or government actions. The when's and where's are the 64 thousand dollar question.

c.i.

This (the huge demand for single person dwellings) appears to be quite a new & different trend in Oz cities. And it's not just young people, nor separated people, nor baby boomers .... It appears that a lot of people are making a conscious choice to live alone, for a multitude of reasons.

That's a strange transition for us human animals. Most studies have shown that people live longer with a mate.

Yes, it's had me thinking too, wondering why this is happening ....
Speaking personally, I originally bought my tiny Victorian terrace because of the end of a long term relationship & the sale of the jointly own home. Now, after a year of living alone, I can't see myself wanting to live any other way. Whether I choose to become involved in other relationships or not .... This is not due to bitterness, or anything like that. It just seems a good way to live, after years & years of the other. It's a relief!
And I wonder if this trend has something to do with people living a lot longer & marriages often not lasting the distance of their lives? There's something very comforting about not having to lose your home when a relationship ends!

We all have our "security" blankets, and our home is one major one. I'll not divorce if my wife will keep me "until death do us part."

c.i.

Then it sounds like you're in a marriage that suits both of you. Congratulations!
But many people, despite the best of intentions & hopes, find themselves rebuilding a life alone. I've had to. And now I've grown to like it. And it was extremely distressing losing a house that was "home" & that I loved, when the relationship ended. I doubt I'd ever put myself in that situation again.

I'm sure 'once is enough' for that kind of life experience. Can't blame you. I read someplace that over half of American marriages end up in divorce. When the 'conservatives' talk about "sanctity of marriage," it makes me laugh out loud.

Yes!

Happy Easter, solo A2Kers, wherever you are!

I was just thinking that it becomes easier & more pleasant, living alone, the longer I do it. It's been just over a year since I moved here & I'm happy to report that it now feels thoroughly like "home". The pros are definitely starting to out-weigh the cons.

And I have a new neighbour! I live in a semi-detached little terrace house & I'm delighted to see that my new neighbour is also a solo person. She seems lovely. So it'll be quite a mixed little community here in this small group of terraces: A young couple, a mother & son & 2 independent women!

Great Msolga! Enjoy. Is the Easter Bunny coming?

I hope so, Deb!

Maybe we can get Margo to dress up?

I was also thinking about friendship today. Is it just me, or is it easier to be a good, honest & open friend when one is living alone than it is when one is living with a significant other? Since the end of my (lengthy) relationship my (old & new) friendships seem to have more depth to them. I remember reading a novel some time ago (can't remember the title, sorry) in which marriages were described as unions which withhold their dark secrets from the world outside. A union of two that exludes others. And it's only when marriages disintegrate that even close friends can know the true nature of that marriage. It seems a great deal of effort is needed to sustain such closed relationships & there's little left for close friendships. I wish it were possible to have both types of relationships simultaneously, but I found it quite difficult to manage this juggling act successfully.

In a bunny costume? I don't think so!

I wonder if it depends on the marriage, Msolga?

I know some that seem as you describe - others that do not - I know, though, that a lot of energy tends to go into such a relationship, and a lot is gained from it, when it is going well. I wonder if there is less energy/need for friends?

I suspect that, the more secure the partners are in their relationship, and in themselves, the more energy is freed for outside.

And when they are going badly - oy veh! They seem to suck energy from the prtners, AND from their friends - who must listen!

Those are interesting ideas Miss Olga. My sweetiepie and i have of necessity a relationship with long separations. But she is always anxious that i should meet her friends, and she has always been very cordial to my friends. If she calls me while i am with either of my two closest friends, i will sometimes just hand them the phone so that they can chat with her. We do things with her friends, and even when i am visiting her, she still makes time for and plans with her friends. A friend of hers from childhood now has two children of her own, and at the least, they see one another once a year when that friend goes up to Toronto for the CNE (Canadian National Exhibition). Twice now, i have stayed at home with the little dogs while everyone else went off to enjoy a day at the CNE (and all the day, as in 8:00 am til midnight). I was happy that they could go off to have some fun, and observe an annual tradition in their friendship; i was glad the little dogs didn't have to mope around the house alone all day. What you spoke of is something which had frankly never occured to me, but as i think about it, My Dear Sweetiepie and i are fortunate in that regard.

Dlowan

Yes, it probably does depend on how secure the two people are in a relationship. I know in my own case that it CERTAINLY takes a hell of a lot of energy to sustain a relationship that's going off the rails. And it's very painful to be honest about your life with friends while your life is like this. I know of many, many cases where friends had no idea of the unhappy state of a marriage or union until it finished.

The ideal relationship/marriage of course, is one where both parties involved feel secure & happy enough to be able to have separate, fulfilling relationships with other friends.
Me, I felt like I was living in an intense bubble of two, for quite a number of years. I missed friends terribly at that time.

Setanta

The relationship that you describe is, after much thought over the past few years, the only sort that I believe could work for me, now. You & your love are lucky to be secure & committed enough to have such a sound relationship. I believe it's not that common & that it's quite easy to get swallowed up in the "bubble" that I described in my previous post. The trouble is, that bubble is so intense & so all consuming that one can easily to totally lose your sense of "separateness" in there.
I can tell you, it's taken a lot of work to get a sense of a separate existence/sense of self back, after a relationship like that is finished. Very painful.

Now I think, IF I desire another relationship, it'd be best not to live with the person, to see them only when we WANT to see each other & to be able to have good friends separate to that relationship as well as mutual friends. A tall order? Hope not!