Now going mad

Black tulip--

Thanks for the link.

This morning while I was winding my cuckoo clock I though about the superstition of stopping a clock when there was a death in the family.

Stopping the clock doesn't make time turn back--or stop the world--but right now you feel as though your clock has stopped. It has. Eventually, slowly, slowly you'll be ticking on time again. Right now you don't have to. You can set your own rhythm.

(Be prepared for coming home without something needful. Your memory is devoted to learning a new world these days, not to remembering domestic necessity.)

Hold your dominion.

Ok the day has come for me to venture into work for the first time since. I am really nervous and not looking forward to it. I just hope I can hold it together, sure I can. I have done it thus far! Keep going, keep going I say when all I want to do is just disappear! Run away from it all, hide in a cave somewhere where no-one knows me! But that is not reality and reality keeps kicking the door down all the time!

So here I go wish me luck.....

Black tulip--

I hope your day went well and your well-meaning colleagues had condolences that were easy to accept.

When a young cousin died in an automobile accident, her mother was cross examined by a gauche but well-meaning man who wanted to draw diagrams of exactly how it must have happened.

Not only the poor in heart are always with us--so are well-meaning, damn fools.

Reality can kick down the door, but there are no boot marks on your soul.

Hold your dominion.

Day went ok. Due to start properly next Monday.

It all feels like a terrible dream, I never thought I would be without him, I thought he'd always be here. I look at his photos and ask him "Where are you? Why aren't you here?" God I want him back so badly. I feel so alone.

Black tulip--

You made it through the dress rehearsal yesterday. Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and the rest of the week shouldn't be impossible, despite your justified grief for the man you loved.

For the next months you're going to be moving through life with a great weight of grief on your back. Eventually you'll learn to balance the load. Until then....

"Grin and bear it" is for fools. Just try to smile bravely once or twice a day.

Hold your dominion.

Thanks Noddy,

Yesterday was so upsetting, I sold Michael's beloved Motorbike Triumph Thunderbird and it was just so hard to say goodbye to it. I know it was only an object, but that object was him, he loved to ride his bike. He used to do vintage racing - still have that motorbike but it is in such a mess. The Triumph I sold, he had bought new 12 years ago, same time my daughter was born.

You know there are so many empty dreams in this world, I constantly ask what is it all for, why do we all struggle then die with nothing afterwards. I used to believe there was something but you know I don't think I do now. Feel low but am trying to keep going and motivated.

Black tulip--

I like your avatar.

Objects are important--not overridingly important, but objects have vital places in the world and in our hearts.

Feeling low and struggling forward? You're a gutsy woman making some progress on a long, long road.

Hold your dominion.

just wanted to sound off a bit! Got up at 6am in time to take the dog for a walk then went to work today! Well went in sat down looked at some paperwork, shuffled paperwork put back again! Couldn't remember how to log into the computer! Couldn't remember what my work was and how I did it!

Kept my head low and avoided eye contact, cannot do eye contact very well at the moment!

After one of the male teachers (who's normally stern and strong) came in and hugged me saying good to see you and then went - that was it, went to pieces and wanted out, so that's what I did went home and felt safe with dog, fish and cat!

Definitely need to cut my hours, cannot do full time not sure if I can afford it but need to try. AAArgh got to go in again tomorrow then off for a few weeks again.

Haven't felt well, Saturday felt ill, faint and had to go to bed for a bit, my son kept coming in asking if ok and if I had any pains, so forced myself up and made a cup of tea and watched him play on Wii. Been to the Doctors for blood test to see if iron levels ok, have to wait for results. Ended up crying in Doctors surgery! Did not want to do that, he said I could have anti-depressants later on, if I needed them, Said no, bad enough with sleeping tablets!

Well must try to get some sleep now, up at 6 again and it all starts again......

Black tulip--

There are days when just getting out of bed in the morning is a major accomplishment.

Isn't it maddening to have not only raging emotions, but what feels like a functional lobotomy?

I don't know why imitating the Village Idiot is a customary part of deep grieving, but the Village Idiot and the vulnerable Inner Child both surface and clamor for attention.

Part time, full time....step by step by step.

Be sure to check today for spring blooms. You deserve a little modest display.

Thanks Noddy, I know I can not run before I can walk.

Life is just so hard you know! My children are beautiful and if I could work out how to post a picture I would but there you go it is just to difficult for me to get my head round at the moment.

Cat has gone missing now, so will have to go hunting tomorrow.

You know you are a lovely person and I thank you for keeping me going and responding. You are a gem.

Black tulip--

Thanks for the kind words.

After my son died, I remember feeling numb and muddled and separated from the human race. Healing comes, but healing is slow.

Sorry I can't write more tonight. My husband is just home from the hospital and he's been a handful. The Visiting Nurse was here for an evaluation this afternoon. He tried to be witty and charming and came across as senile and scatterbrained--and he didn't notice.

Hold your dominion.

Hi Noddy,

You take care of your self and husband. I hope he is not too bad. You deserve a medal my girl. Would send you one but just haven't worked out about photo posting yet. So here's a hug and good thoughts to you.

Black tulip--

Thanks for the cheerful words--doubly appreciated because I know how hard it is right now for you to lift your head and look out.

This is the last day of winter. I intend to try to bury some ragged resentments and move on.

I'm looking forward to pictures of your kids. I completely understand that this is not a time in your life when you want to develop new skills and hobbies. Just moving from moment to moment of survival is challenging enough right now.

I also want to see your Faithful Dog. I'm sure that great heart is working overtime on solace for the family.

Hang on.

Balck tulip,
My heart really goes out to you about the loss of your husband. I lost my brother in December whom I was very close to and recently my best friend from all through school passed away. This has been a very difficult Winter for me. I don't think we ever get over the loss we just learn to live with it. My Mom passed away a lttle over two years ago. I am sure you have some wonderful friends and beautiful children but nothing can take the place of our loved ones. We just keep their memories close to our heart. Anytime you need to vent please feel free to.

Jodie thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry for your loss too. You know some days I don't know how I am going to get through the day! Last night ended up falling asleep on the Sofa and by the time I went to bed, I couldn't sleep but ended up crying.

I try to keep busy and have just attempted to return to work, which I did for 2 mornings and was always glad to get back home again, to feel safe there, although a whole chunk of me feels missing. It is strange, the other day I accidentally burnt my finger but didn't feel it until a bit later, there was just no feeling.

My doctor has said he can put me on anti-depressants later on, but I don't want to go on them and won't. I find writing on A2K very helpful, you all are just very patient and understanding, know how I feel etc. Don't know what I would have done without it.

Hello Black Tulip. I don't know you, but, I still would like to express my condolences, to you and your family. If I may, I'd like to say a few things.
Things do get easier. Trust me. You don't see it now, but it will. Time will come to past. Whether you like it or not. Time heals. Strangely, it does. Not one hundred percent, but, enough.
I'm not going to tell you that there are many who have it worse, and that you've been blessed with a beautiful family. I'm sue your aware of that. Heck, you even have a guardian angel looking over you now.
Continue doing the awesome job your doing. My prayers to you.
If you need to bend an ear, it would be my pleasure.

Thanks Alex for being here! I certainly do know where to come now.

Black tulip--

Paring knives or Acts of God--you can't take any more hurt right now.

Consider experimenting with the spring winds. Stand in the open--suitably dressed, of course--and visualize the winds stripping your world of trivia.

You don't have to muster up the energy for a special trip outside. You can do it while dog walking.

Then get inside and put the kettle on.

Noddy, how right you are I will try this tomorrow. Today is hard for me and with lots of tears. Also the wind and hail is so strong and cold!

Bless you

Black tulip,

I am here for you anytime you would like to vent. Wipe those tears away and think of those good times you treasure. Believe me it is good to cry because it makes us feel better. I have to do this when I think of my brother. Try and stay busy to take your mind off things that is the best thing we can do. Do you work full time? We have to go through a grieving process which is very difficult. I have my good and bad days. I know loosing a husband is different than loosing a brother because your husband lived there in the house with you. I am sending my love and hugs !!!