Now going mad

Black tulip--

You may be demoralized, but you have the good sense to get financial advice from experts.

Are you knowledgeable about cars? Do you have someone who could go with you?

You got through probate and your tears were honest tears.

Ramble away--we're here.

This could be poor advice based on the fact that the bank will make 18% on credit card interest as opposed to 9% on a personal loan.
NB interest rate figures are an example only.

Talk to other financial institutions, get second opinions.

Sorry for your loss but glad to see you picking yourself up.

Black tulip--

Howled for you last night, before, during and after the eclipse. The howling during the eclipse seemed to make excellent sense.

March 7 we'll be howling in the Dark of the Moon. Perhaps you'll be able to join us yet.

Remember, you don't have to move mountains this week--just survive and take care of the kids.

Well bought a car! Peugeot 307 estate in light green, hope I made the right choice. Credit card did its stuff! I went and sat in my husband's office and cried and talked aloud to him but heard no reply.

Work want me back but am not sure I am ready will talk to Occupational health today and see what they say. I know I need to work but cannot get my head around how to get kids to school, walk the dog etc sounds trivial but just can not think straight.

Friday today and its raining lovely just reflects my mood!

Thanks for the howl, I seemed to have lost my momentum in that area and lost my faith in all that I believed.

Am arranging burying the ashes and my children want us to do a last ritual with my husbands ashes in the centre (we were Pagan, not sure now) want to give him a final pagan send off into the forces of nature!

Nothing is forgotten, Nothing is ever forgotten

Of course not.



This is perfectly normal. Use the rainy day for grieving and perhaps accomplishing some very trivial chores. Chasing dust woollies and cleaning toilets can be a way of connecting with unpalatable reality.

The Good People will undoubtedly approve of your green chariot. Managing a car purchase is a big step to accomplish by yourself. You don't have to manage any more big steps this week.

Hold your dominion.

Losing momentum in all areas is perfectly normal, Bt, but especially in spirituality. Some folks are sustained by their faith in times of crisis, others are rocked by it. Either is a natural response to having the floor pulled out from underneath you.



All choices are the right choices at this point. With the limited energies you have right now, there's only one direction you can apply them to -- forward. Don't second guess yourself. Whatever decisions you make are the right ones simply by the fact that you made them.

Well Noddy you were right I cleaned the oven, the kitchen floor, the bathroom and toilet, took the dog for a long walk while a friend has taken the children out, oh and actually went shopping, ok kept my head down put managed it.

Each time I do something I say Michael I am doing it, right or wrong I am doing it!


Black Tulip

Black tulip--

Good for you. Two or three hours of "new normal" and a cleaner house--perhaps even a bit of satisfactory sleep tonight.

Hold your dominion.

yep your right I have repainted some table legs, moved a dresser and cleaned it! sorted out stuff to go to auction or throw out. I can not seem to stop at the moment am on a keep on cleaning regime at the moment and I can not stop until I exhaust myself and then just flake out on a chair. Still not sleeping well even after doing this!

Collected the ashes today, they are in a wicker urn which I specially ordered, am glad I did. I did not realise how heavy they are. Cried and cried when I got them home but have wrapped them up and put them with his clothes until it is time to bury them. It was pitiful carrying them home when I should have been holding his hand!

Off to solicitor tomorrow to write my will 3rd time of trying to do it! Wish me luck.

BLack Tulip signing off for now

Black tulip--

I hope the will-writing is now over and done with.

First fury, then fatigue. Eventually, sleep. Your subconscious is probably keeping you wakeful so that no other disasters can creep up on you. In times of stress, I wake up at 4 a.m.--presumably so I can feed the chickens and slop the hogs before sunrise. (I have never lived on a farm, by the by.)

Illogic is madding--especially when you're locked up in your skull with illogic you didn't choose on a conscious level.

Hold your dominion.

Well Noddy maybe your subconscious has a secret desire to keep hogs!

Made my Will, so another thing completed. Bit by bit, day by day, I feel I am I am being dragged forward and away from Michael - strange thoughts and feelings!

Car collecting day and Auction collecting day, I collect the car, Auctioneers collect some furniture!

Spoke to work they want to know when I am going back, I said I would go in on the 12th March for a couple of hours. I work at a secondary school within Special needs dept so my work is quite stressful - dealing with Aspergers, deaf, fostered and abused kids. I love them all to bit but am not sure I can handle their problems and mine. I have a poster on my office wall at work - a boat on a lake with the words destiny and choices - I can not keep that there and want to rip it to shreds!

Well need to go to take my son to school and then walk the dog, then off to collect the car.

Have a good day!


(Nothing's forgotten, Nothing is ever forgotten)

Black tulip--

You aren't being dragged away from Michael. You're creating the conditions under which his kids will survive as comfortably as possible.

If your schoolkids need love, empathy and understanding you may be a little stressed this spring. If they need a firm hand and cheerful acceptance, you'll manage.

Grim Spanish proverb: Man proposes, God disposes. Still, you can choose how to accept your destiny--just or unjust.

The New Car and the Old Furniture should fill your day. Let us know how it goes.

Hold your dominion.

Hi Noddy,

got car fine, kids love it. Am ok with it. Some of the furniture gone, been rearranging stuff.

Actually got the agreement letters from court for the probate. Am setting Monday as form filling day and sending off.

Am booking a holiday in Paris with children, my sister and brother in-law in August. This is a promise Michael and I made to take the children to Paris so am fulfilling it.

Raining outside and have to take the dog out in a minute yuk oh well what's a bit of rain! Have just put heating on in house as it is so cold.

Black Tulip
(Nothing is forgotten, nothing is ever forgotten

Black Tulip--

I like your avatar.

I was thinking of you this morning. Many years ago during December a plane flying from NYC to Europe went down. A local high school group was among the passengers so the crash was covered very thoroughly in the local papers.

A diver who had been looking for bodies explained, "It isn't like there's a hole in the water. You can't tell where to start looking."

When my son died--on dry land--I kept thinking that there should be some sort of eternal, memorial hole in the waters of time. Life should simply not move on without my son being alive.

What "should be" and what "is" are two very different animals.

Paris sounds like a good idea. I've always wanted to do the Paris Sewer Tour. http://www.viamagazine.com/top_stories/articles/paris00.asp This would probably appeal to your son--and if this is the exasperating b-i-l you might be able to score a few points.

Dogs always link to reality, don't they?

Hold your dominion.

Sorry to hear of the loss of your son, now I know that you know my feelings!

Sewers in Paris tour - well that will be novel! Better take a peg for my nose!

Mother's Day today, yep you bet I was feeling low. My daughter made me a cup of tea and then made breakfast, she is so wonderful. Haven't even seen my son as he has been at a friends house, oh well at least he has enjoyed himself and that is important.

Things to do like make tea! will write soon

Black tulip--

Children can be a great comfort--not all the time, of course, but a great comfort all the same.

One day at a time. One day at a time.

Well what have I done today? Cleaned windows and garage door, double glazing people came to fix the windows at last been asking for 1/2 a year!

Had a little too much to drink last night, just helps numb things until I start again but felt awful this morning. I know now I shouldn't have.

My daughter came home from school upset as they had to dissect a heart and then the class went on to talk about blood clots. I was so angry and rang the school and spoke to the science teacher who apologised, but said she did not know my husband had died of a heart attack with thrombosis! I rang and told the school, just typical a lack of communication that goes on.

You know it is hard to see everyone getting on with their lives when mine just feels it has ended. I know I have the children and I will continue for their sake but it is hard. I told them that they can speak to me about their feelings but I think they do not wan to upset me. I said yes I might get upset but it is good to share how we feel.

I walk the dog twice a day and it is lonely, I do the shopping and it is lonely, I do all the normal things and it is lonely. I see people but can not say how I truly feel. Actually I do not know how I truly feel! I reorganise things in the house and think well that's done but what is it for, what is life for? No-one knows the point of it all or if there is a point at all! but there must be more than this.

If there is no after life why are we here? I used to think there was something else, now I don't know. May be this is it and we must just not think too deeply and just get on. Then why do we think so deeply? Animals have it easier to exist and as long as their basic needs are met they are fine, shame we are not like them.

Well time for another dog walk before it rains again, I am really cold today so need to wrap up .

Black Tulip

Black tulip--

I'm a little pressed right now, but my thoughts are with you.

Remember, alcohol is a depressant--aside from the traditional morning after symptoms.

What an ugly set of coincidences for your daughter. Sometimes life is one damn thing after another.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and surviving each day from rising to bedtime. Assign the dog the job of enjoying your life right now. The dog can handle that chore and it is one less thing you'll have to do.

Hold your dominion.

Well made sure I had no alcohol last night just the sleeping tablet. Head clearer today Am off to do some shopping as nothing in and decided to stick to coffee from now on.

There is a conference which I helped organise happening this Sat. I am not going but they are dedicating it to my husband and planting trees in his name. I might go in the evening to see Damh the Bard - he sings beautiful songs, he is a druid and Merlin am I is one of my favourites. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0dV7dOBMdcA

Listen and enjoy