On the edge and toppling off....

Breathing deep


(positive is..... the sternum doesn't hurt to do that - that's good a?)


Thanku...... xxxx

Izzie--

Sorry I can't stay awake to keep vigil with you. Just remember all young men have the damnest ideas of honor, glory and self-expression. BigBoy is a little slow socially, but he has a sense of melodrama.

He's probably safe, but be prepared for swaggering. Young men swagger and mothers clench their teeth and weep when necessary.

Stay holding.

Thanks Noddy

You take care and keep holding your's too a?

Really, thanku x

K - he is with the police on his way back to The House.

They are going to call me when he get's there.

Thanku all for helping me...

JPB sent me this earlier....

"sounds like it could be time for everyone to get on the same page.

If he thinks he shouldn't be 'In Care' then he probably isn't very cooperative with those who are trying to help him professionally. No one can accept treatment if they don't accept that they need it.

He's lashing out. He's got TONS of pent up anger. The people who can help him work through that anger are the ones with the proper training to do that. That's NOT you, your parents, ex-hub, J, the police, or his friends. "

This is an excerpt from his latest review meeting held on 19 March from his psych who has seen him once since R went to his new placement.

This comes from the Psych report dtd 29/2/08

The impression I formed from my recent visit was that on the whole R is actually settling in reasonably well. I felt that R was different to the last time I saw him at BPH. He struck me as less hopeless about the future and fairly positive about living at The House (although I don't think he could ever allow himself to admit it fully, and may indeed not want to)….

…There is less evidence of the intense anger he previously displayed in his language and behaviour.

… I remain of the opinion that R would NOT benefit significantly from direct therapy at this stage. I believe it is in his interest to have opportunity to mature and benefit from the new environment at The House. I would regard the whole placement as therapeutic ……. I am keen to keep the focus of change away from R to minimise the risk of him taking full responsibility for being placed in care…"

See - they don't HEAR what he's saying..... they think they do - his mask is soooooooooooooooooooooo good - this has always been the way, they say "he's doing fine" "he's gonna come good" "he's settling"

placement after placement after placement........ he escalates, he gets hurt.


I am keen to keep the focus of change away from R to minimise the risk of him taking full responsibility for being placed in care…"

whose responsibility is it............... WHOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't this about teaching him that he has to be accountable for his actions. It's not his fault he was born "special" - it's not his fault that he has difficulties - but if he isn't taught to accept responsibility for placing something around his neck, damaging property, criminal acts - leave alone his responsibility to actually "live" - then how will he learn. I don't get it. What, is it our responsibility for him being in care - he was at a special residential school when he did these things - AT SCHOOL - he wasn't with us. Fine - hold my hands up - I admit I can't mother him and keep him safe - but sure as heck I did what I could and no-one darn well listened. Now they don't want him to focus on his responsibility for being placed in care. Good lesson a?

Do you see what I'm saying - the system isn't hearing him - what's going on inside him - I've known him all his life - and maybe I can't get perspective or I'm biased or even blinded - BUT HE IS ANGRY. Last time they told us he was fine................he tried to hang himself - or so we are told. It's so hard to sit back and trust these people, anyone - HOW, how do I do that.

Believe me, I WANT an easy life. I DON'T want to be in his drama - I just want someone to hear what he's saying instead of telling me "There is less evidence of the intense anger he previously displayed in his language and behaviour.

Errrrrrrrrrrm - he is angry! He tells them he is angry. But the official reports say he's settling in just fine.

OK - sorry - am tired - frustrated - still waiting for SOMEONE - anyone to call me to say he's "asleep"......yep "asleep" would be good - then I know he isn't going to be on a window ledge like he was last nite.

But then - of course - he's just fine.

OH GOSH - now I sound like a sarcastic whinging pom


Oh.... and one other thing - at the meeting on the 19th they informed us in June 2009 - R will be 16 by then - all funding for his placement ENDS! Hey - yeah - deal with that one next year a?

Serenity prayer is in order now, whoever "god" may be.

One day at a time, and R wants help, too.

Stay strong, my dear.

RH

Oh Izzie - my heart goes out to you. Can't imagine the worry and the grief you must be experiencing. You know I am thinking of you dear. Wish I could do something more to help. There are simply no words.
XOX
Mis

from years of reading IRP (individualized rehabilitation plans), I'd translate this to say that they are not ready to turn the focus to R yet - but that is where the focus will go, once he has matured/settled (if that is possible).

They have identified that he will be at risk at this time if he senses that he is responsible for being placed in care.

~~~

You're his mother. There are things you know about R that no one else will ever know - the good as well as the not so good.

But - from what you've quoted from the report - they are not sanguine - they know there is potential for serious trouble.

Hopefully they'll be able to use this latest event as a tool when he is ready for therapy.

~~~

Hang on, Izzie.

Thanks all - serenity prayer received - and calmer.

EBGirl - you are absolutely 100% - the point of his being placed in this setting - which is pretty unheard of in the UK for a child - is to take the focus off anything that can make him "feel bad about himself". In other words - his previous placements - if he did or said something, e.g. to another kid, it made him feel terrible - and the same thing when he comes home - after which he will then "self harm". His feeling "unloved" "not wanted" is huge - and couldnt be further from the truth - so he was placed there to ensure that he doesn't do, say, act, feel, take responsibility for the "bad feelings" he feels towards himself.

However, the only way it would definitely work - is if he lived in "R"s world where he had no contact with anyone ..... so, they say that until he has matured enough - in their opinion between the age of 25-30 - he cannot receive "individual therapy". I hear what they are saying, a large part of me agrees with it because he doesn't have the maturity - I understand it - but that's what's so hard.

If we pull back any further from his life - the rejection is too much for him - if we stay in his life - he feels rejected for being "in care". There's no balance. The real world does not afford him "the benefit of the doubt" - the real world looks at him - and if someone looks at him funny - or the tone of their voice - he can lose the plot - he hates himself. If someone in the street is laughing - he will think they are laughing at him. So he's placed where he has support to help him see the "bigger picture". But he's also a teenager who just wants to be like the other kids. Wants to be doing what the other kids do. No balance.

If the sun doesn't shine when the weather man says it will - he will get angry. If he wants to see someone and they back out or let him down - well............you can imagine the fallout. It's so hard to watch/hear him fall.

You know, the reason he came over to the town today - he planned to abscond - he had his clothes - he also had £20 on him. He rang me up and said "It's Pams birthday tomorrow - what do you think she would like". Pam is one of my girlies in town - one of my closest friends. He went there to buy her a present.

He wanted to run away - but he wanted to buy her a present. He's now with the police. You see - there's no balance. I can't get it to balance. His rollercoaster is way up, or way down. He's stuck at the bottom - yet his heart is at the top. He hurts.


And they still havent phoned me. 2.15am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Miss Izzie - of course you can't get it to balance. Even if you had decades and decades of training and experience, you'd still be the one who loves him the most. Even, maybe even especially, when he's being most hateful.

I suspect there are people right now working very hard to not make things worse, which oftentimes is the best we can do.

It's hard when you feel that the best you can do is not cause harm.

~~~

R's clearly got a lot of love to share - he just needs help sorting out how and when to handle the good thoughts as well as the scary/sad/bad ones. I hope you're proud that you've been able to support him in being as good a person as he is at heart. It couldn't have been easy.

The lack of a phone call is the lack of an emergency.

Him talking his mind to them is not all bad at this point, he is not charged, just out??

RH

To love someone so much, as I do, to give him up to the "system" to ensure that by loving him - doesn't hurt him - yet loving him hurts him more but keeps him alive......

I'm so proud of him - he's such a good kid. He's mine. He's loved and he can love back.

The balance is just unbearable - for him and me.


Have just called the police again - no-one knows why I'm not being updated. Apologies and all that........... they are trying to contact the officers who have him - but no-one seems to know why he's not back at The House. It's only a minute drive from the town to the House!

Rich Tea biscuits - in hand - dunking in tea!

Hopefully R and the policemen are sitting at the House having tea and a biscuit together. It may not be the case, but I do recall times at a House I was involved with, where that was how an event like this ended up - the police sitting down for a few minutes (and talking to staff later - partly for advice going both ways).

And then there are those notebooks they have to write in (probably little computers in their cars these days). This won't be a one-liner for them.

And they probly stopped fer donuts... :wink:

Have some more tea, and send me a link fer them damn biscuits, would ya...

RH

I will start off by being very very calm..........

R IS SAFE - TUCKED UP IN BED.


anywho thinks I am actually a reaonsable human being... read no further

I AM ABOUT TO MORPH INTO DEVIL-IZZIE AND THAT IS NOT A PLEASANT EXEPERIENCE FOR ME AND DOES NOT FIT THE LIFESYTLE I LEAD -- BUT MY UGLY HEAD IS ON


look below














I AM ANGRY
MAD
SPITTING
SWEARING
NOT ANGELIC OR NICE OR A STAR
OR ANYTHING OF THINGS THAT MAY BE lost IN MY RIGHT MIND RIGHT NOW.

THE POLICE CALLED 3AM

FIRST OF ALL - APOLOGIES - R IS SAFE..

RYAN WAsTAKEN TO HIS FATHERS - HANDED OVER- NO PROBLEMS.
HOW HAPPY IS THAT.



THE SH*T THING IS.........................NO-ONE TOLD ME

WHY DIDNT THE b*STARD EX-HUB THINK TO TELL ME, THE HOUSE OR ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DIDNT THE POLICE TELL ME OR ANYONE.

I HAVE FELT ILL ALL NIGHT - THE HOUSE HAVE CALLED IN 2 STAFF AS IS PROCEDURE FOR "TROUBLING BREWING.

My Ex told me he would NOT under ANY cirucmstances allow R to stay with him tonite - we agreed for consistency purposes.

The the police tell me - at 3 f*n am that he is tucked up in bed sound.

Now that's the positive,

And the negavtie. WHY did my e-hsband think to CALL no-one and inform them. Not me, not The House - so meanwhile we have call going back and forthe from me to the police, me to Kelin - meanwhile Ian and his family are sleeping..... and no-one could get hold of the officers who did this,


Well - the ex was sleeping....
TIL i phoned him and let rip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I proud - but do I care. I am so far past that "counter productively angered stage" at this point I am beyont any judgement from anyone.

What his dad is reprehensible. He ASSumed the police would tell me. The house should have been notifed HES IN CARE - theyve drafted in extra staff and are stting competely in the Dark for however many hours this has been going on. We all have. All of you good kind people - whilst my exhub sleeps soundly in his bed.

The agreement we made. The boundary had been set. Ryan had to return to The House. Sooooooooooooo Ryan runs, police find, the police take him to Ians. ERRRRRRRR where was the consistency.

To not even bother to ring me and let me know. The police I've been calling all nite in the incident report room - none of them new coz they had been called to another shout.

Meanwhile, me and The House in Plymouth - all crapping ourselves because the ex ASSumed someone would have told me.

Jerk Git Bast8ard - any more...... he's all of the and more....

and to top it.....I RANG HIM at 3m - CRIED and SHOUTED at him, he said, er er sorry thought someone would have called you - errr YOU YOU BLOODY MUPPET - you should have called me.

ANGRY - I'M BLOWING LIKE A VOLCANO NOW - actually blowing smoke as the sleeping tabs are kicking in big time -took and extra one.

The most important thing is - my typing is rubbish coz of a very useful sellping tablets- MY SON IS SAFE til the morning where it will start again as Klein will go pick him up.

The Positive is MY SON IS SAFE FOR THE NITE, my exhusband will have an earbashing (calm one that will be -promise), my son got so meet Ians girlfried for the 3rd time I think.... too tired to remmebr at this point. Hopefully the sun will shine and I will sleep late as my phones are about to be switched OFF


What an inconsiderate jackass whose inconsistent, peacefully sleeping, jerk, git exhusband I am divorcing (leaving alone all the other stuff that happened between us.

Can you believe it - Ryans been ther over 3 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now you can see I can be a complete an utter cow - and tomorrow I will be a complete and utter snake because venom will be spat - albeit calmly and with dignity. Oh crap dunno want be tht person. Gotta get in under control (B&stard)

CAN YOU DARN WELL BELIEVE THIS?

I FEEL SUCH A COMPLETE INDIOT.

I HAVE WASTED YOUR TIME AND GOOD THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS,

I AM SO DARN SORRY

You know that expectation of no-one ever putting me first and the difference now is i don't seek/need anyone to put me first / make me equal. I was the last to know.... and none of them really gives rats moneys!

Oh tired now. I am so sorry for wasting all your time.

I am just 100% GOMSMACKED!

Sorry

Thanku al tho - too tired to check spelling. Gonna make tea now.

All I can say is you are all fab and I apolgise for wasting your precous time. Ya'll didnt deserve that.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

GOOD NEWS

R WAS TAKEN TO HIS FATHERS IN THE TOWN AN RELEASED TO HIS CARE FOR THE NITE. RYAN, EX-HUB, GIRLFRIEND AND SEAN - ALL SLEEPING PEACEFULLY FOR THE LAST 2-3 HOURS. (unlike some i know)

Ima only say it once.
It's not right, but all this will be better for you tomorrow, including the behavior of the not so smart guy ya used to be married to.

Go directly to bed, do not pass go, and tell us about it late in the English day tomorrow with God bless, no flippin Hail...

Hugs,

RH

just passed go and collected £200 pounds. Will try not end up in jail tomorrow when I look daggers at my selfish ex-husband!!!!!!!!!!!

So sorry for wasting all you time and thoughts for me and mine.

Thats unfair.

Nite my friends. Thanku x

Life is unfair, Hun.

You are awesome...

RH

Tried to PM - but cant send it...

so

RH -JPB EBGirl, Missy, Dutchy and our Noddy (rest well girl) - you guys are so close in my heart.

I love you too

I will always be holding you in my heart.

Thank you always. Thank you for making me beautiful.

Izzie x

{{{Izzie}}}

whooboy ~~

keep breathing, hon, and quit worrying about wasting folk's time. We're here because we want to be here and because we care. That part is a non-story. Keep us posted, we're here and will sit with you whether it's for a worry, a rant, a laugh, or a cry... it's all ok.

deep breaths... and then more of the same.

Take gentle care of Izzie today, k?

R took off again early this morning. He's now officially a "missing child". The police are out in numbers now. And so the day starts...