24
   

On the edge and toppling off....

 
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Mar, 2011 06:38 pm
Iz. Heartbreaking post.

Have you ever thought of publishing such a thing? (I'm thinking of the Guardian, but I suppose that is not just the right place, though you never know, maybe just the right columnist/opinionator.) I've long thought you as a family need some one to interfere for you with the powers that be.

Meantime, love.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  7  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2011 01:58 pm
19


Years


Today



Today, my eldest son went to College

Music College in the city

I didn’t want to tell y’all that this was on the cards, in case it didn’t work out, I felt I didn’t have the right to tell y’all – he did this, R did this – he went, by himself, on his own, such a huge achievement – he walked into a room full of people he didn’t know, strangers.

I’m happy to say that, for the first time in years I heard my son’s 'voice' – not the angry, scared voice, but the voice of the child I knew once upon a time. His little brother just called him and I could hear R’s voice , his laughter and, when describing his day, in his words “it was f’ing epic, man!”

My heart was breaking earlier on today – what to write to him – I didn’t, other than to tell him we love him always. He saw my parents earlier – he won’t open the cards from either his Dad or me… but he has taken them with him.

I didn’t know which way it would go, I still don’t, there’s no point me trying to explain why or what I'm feeling – I don’t feel, but I do – I realise my heart’s still broken, or rather, I am, or … but perhaps, maybe, the slow bleed will start to heal.

I know, but I don’t expect anyone else to know, but I know how fragile this is – it can change with one look, one word, one action – for the reaction. One would only have to listen to his music to know his depth of pain… yet, there is hope in his music, I heard it.

He’s extremely talented, he has an incredible way of transposing his feelings into sound.

His words… <sigh>

It’s a start, perhaps now's the time for him to start ‘living’ – he said to S-boy that he is going again tomorrow.

It’s a good start, a great start…

Happy Birthday Son – not that I can say it to him – but I can say it out loud here.


<WWND ---> arooooooo>
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2011 02:09 pm
@Izzie,
hooray for R-boy.

hell, hooray for all o' y'all...

Laughing
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2011 02:17 pm
Happy for R, keep on keeping on, and to Iz, your joy and sorrow has some joy for a change.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  2  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2011 02:24 pm
@Izzie,
Hey, this is quite an accomplishment!

Sure hope it sticks... definitely an accomplishment to savor anyway though. "F'ing epic," that's great.
0 Replies
 
mismi
 
  2  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2011 02:56 pm
@Izzie,
So GOOD to hear. My heart is happy for you!
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  2  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2011 03:03 pm
@Izzie,
Huge smiles for R

And, breathe...

Happy Birthday, R!

Good luck and best wishes.


((((( Izzie )))))
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  2  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2011 03:15 pm
@Izzie,
Quote:
My heart was breaking earlier on today – what to write to him – I didn’t, other than to tell him we love him always. He saw my parents earlier – he won’t open the cards from either his Dad or me… but he has taken them with him.

I didn’t know which way it would go, I still don’t, there’s no point me trying to explain why or what I'm feeling – I don’t feel, but I do – I realise my heart’s still broken, or rather, I am, or … but perhaps, maybe, the slow bleed will start to heal.


Hoping and praying that the healing does, in fact, begin.
0 Replies
 
Dutchy
 
  2  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2011 03:19 pm
@Izzie,
Congratulations R. boy, well done, and to his loving mother, so happy for you. I know what this means to you. You and S. boy enjoy the occasion. xxx
0 Replies
 
Roberta
 
  2  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2011 03:20 pm
This is good to hear, Izzie. I'm hoping that it goes on and on.
Izzie
 
  2  
Reply Mon 12 Sep, 2011 04:02 pm
@Roberta,
Thank y'all so much for listening...

simpy, thank you for letting me talk out loud with you.

Very Happy

I'm sure The Full Moon played it's part this September 12th... channelled good forces.
0 Replies
 
Tai Chi
 
  2  
Reply Tue 13 Sep, 2011 10:00 am
Smiling big, as they say. ((Iz))
0 Replies
 
msolga
 
  2  
Reply Tue 13 Sep, 2011 06:28 pm
@Izzie,
That is absolutely wonderful news, Iz.
I think R might have found his niche.
Wow, fantastic! Smile

Izzie
 
  3  
Reply Wed 14 Sep, 2011 01:06 pm
@msolga,
Cheers TC and MzO Very Happy <--------smiles big too!


<fingers crossed...little noivous, ya know... breathe in breathe out >
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  6  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2011 09:45 am
ticker ticker timex



2 weeks it took

and it starts again

the ghost has returned, haunting his every waking minute

sleepless nights, scared, alone

he's vomiting blood

MaMa got him in the car today and took him to the emergency doctor

he's refused psych evaluation and intervention - doc says he has to agree to be helped, R says 'there's no point'

he's been put on some meds for his tummy



he had an upset with another kid who told him he was stupid and not even his family wanted him... that no-one wanted him

he didn't react, he ate the words much like eating glass and shredding his insides - he waited 'til he was on his own and then the reaction begins

the lucifer ghost that sits beside him




he says he wants "to go"

it's not like he doesn't like college - he does, he loves making music

but he wants to die

<sigh>

and a tock...



will see what tomorrow brings as i click my way through the days trying not to think too much and as he tries, so hard, to simply be like all the other kids... to be normal, to be nuerotypical



Strangely, i didn't know this time, my stomach did, but my head hadn't felt it, i usually know, but not this time... hmmmm



ice

with a slice

maybe

we'll see






effing highs and lows - i had hoped the rollercoaster had evened out a little
Rockhead
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2011 09:47 am
@Izzie,
(( iz ))
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2011 09:50 am
@Izzie,
Rollercoasters have a way of throwing in some loop-di-loops every once in a while. Kids can be such bastards sometimes, saying things just to be mean and spiteful. Sending out healing thoughts to R and gentle hugs to those who love him.
0 Replies
 
Roberta
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2011 12:30 pm
Izzie querida, Sitting here trying to think of something to say. Doesn't happen often. All I think of is the pain you and R are experiencing. I wish I could make the pain go away. Can't. I offer my friendship. Take comfort where you can find it. Love you.
0 Replies
 
Dutchy
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2011 12:59 pm
@Izzie,
You're in my thoughts Izzie as I know how difficult times are for you. Please keep on hoping for better times. (((Izzied)))
0 Replies
 
mismi
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2011 02:46 pm
@Izzie,
Bless his bones. Kids suck. Such insecure little things. Ganging up and belittling is the way they deal with it. So sorry for R ...and you.
Thoughts are there and I am hugging my sweet friend.
Love you so much.
0 Replies
 
 

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