On the edge and toppling off....

So needing distraction and hugs right now. BigBoy has absconded - he's "proving a point" in his words, that he will not return to his flat tonite. He won't go to his Dad, or come to me and won't "kiss a$$" my parents and go and stay with them. He says he would rather sleep on the streets.

Everyone is very aware of his fragile state of mind right now - he's been going down for a while - it just keeps coming back......

Trying to be strong and think ......... OK - he's proving a point, he's gonna get cold and wet and hungry - but that's his choice.....

BUT ..... there's that bit of me - you know the snagging thread that is always chewed up .......... is it gonna be today, will he do something about his black world today?

He was on a window ledge last nite ..... is it attention seeking, is it his fears .... how do you sit back and ........... and not even watch, I don't see him - how do I sit back and let him do what he needs to do....?

I don't subscribe to the "REGRETS" catalogue these days............ I live with "no regrets"............... is this gonna be the day I change that and say I regret not doing something more.............?

But what - I dunno what to do?

The staff will not call the police until 8.30pm - they are supposed to be picking him up at that time - if he is not where he is supposed to be then as he is a "vulnerable young person" the police automatically get called.

This it the txt I have just received…

I h8 ur f*** guts y don't u jus do urself a favour and f* off u decivin selfles bit**

Guess the Freudian slip of selfless and selfish was completely unintentional…..

What do I do? Sit and wait? Nothing else I can do, is there. Is there?

Not going to answer any more calls now. Will wait and see what happens.

Regrets………………………… don't wanna do regrets.

Distracting myself now - it's been a few hours and I feel "grey". Feel like I'm living two worlds - the one I'm in here and wanna be in which makes me smile - and one that keeps drawing the energy away and smacks me in the face. His world is so dark. Invisible mental health is dark. No child should ever feel the way he does.

Can he even make the right choices? I don't know. His unconscious choices are the dangerous ones - when the anger gets too much. He's a tad angry right now.

(((((((((((((((Izzie)))))))))))))))

{{{{ Izzie }}}}

What time is it now where you are?

Hey

Nearly 6pm - will get dark around 7.30ish I think. It's so cold and wet, hailing and the wind is horrendous. He must be absolutely freezing.

I know that's his choice - I wouldn't be surprised if he did something to get the police involved now so he could go and be locked up. To him - that would be proving "his point" that we are all to blame.

I know these are his choices - and we will not take the blame for his actions - it's just so damn hard to watch him do this - or rather listen to him do this. I just never know ... you know ... when it's all gonna be too much for him. Damn snaggin threads just won't settle.

His Dad and I have both tried to persuade him to come to either house - he won't - his anger today is massive.

I know how hard it is, Izzie. It wasn't my child, which I imagine would be worse, but my first husband was suicidal for an extended period of time. Every day I would wonder if that was the day I would get a call. It was hell.

There's really not much you can do beyond what you're already doing. You love him; you care as best as you're able; you hope the system works the way it's supposed to; and you hope it's alright in the end. You're doing all that and more.

I've nothing better to do for the next couple hours than sit and wait with you. So, if you want to wait here then I'll be here too.

Thanku hun.

I hate (don't like that word) to draw other people into this side of my world - but - it is a side of my world - and you are always there giving me the strength and perspective I need.

See........... it'll all probably be fine - and I will be allowing him to him to punish me as he does - but it's not so simple as that - I know the person who is being punished - is him - his self punishment in whatever form it takes.

So far - no knives - not for a while.....

but his anger which has put him in front of a car before - well, that's my son - the unconscious act of wanting out - not intentional .... if you see what I mean. I don't think he really wants to die - but he is a danger to himself -

oh cr*p - it'll all probably be fine - I'm just at a loss as to how to deal with "what if's" regarding him - he's just so volatile.

The system - there is no system here - they don't care until it's too late. They proved that already. Sorry.

Izzie,
I am here for you and the other people on this thread are too. A person in that state of mind is very hard to deal with. Don't ever blame yourself,
a parent can only do so much. You are a very intelligent, strong, loving person. Stay strong for yourself no way do you deserve going through all of this heart breaking stuff. I am sending my love and hugs!!!

Izzie--

You've got maternal reflexes--be proud of them.

BigBoy is playing by the rules of his making. I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he weren't "allowed" (by special dispensation) to bend those rules after a few hours of physical discomfort.

You are not breaking the Laws of Motherhood if you're warm while you worry.

Please keep us posted.

Hold your dominion.

If only I knew.

Police were being notified at 8.45pm. Can't get a hold of anyone to find out what's happening..... if anything.

Many phonecalls back and forward. Much anger. Punishment to the max including bringing J and my friends into the scenario he's playing out.

Just no idea what's happening. Left message on the staff mobile number. They are in town presumably searching for him.



edit...

Police are now going to look for him. He's a runaway with a vulnerability problem! No idea where he is. He's in my parents town which is not the town that he lives in. He could be anywhere.

Hang in there girl, you have done all you could, let the powers that be take it from here.

Thanks girlie - didn't wanna bother you with it. He's been spotted in town - but has disappeared again. You know what the weather is like here.....

think he may be with a kid who was in the psych unit with him a few years back ....

just dunno

still waiting to hear from the Incident Report Team....

and so I sit, and try to distract. TEA - there's a start! :wink:

(don't worry about me hun - I'm fine - staying focused and positive.... it will all be alright!)

Thinking of you, Izzie. And sending strength although I don't really think you need more, you are quite amazing to me.

Tea and a McVitie's.

I have my Rich Tea Biscuits beside me and am dunking! True British Spirit










(sitting waiting for calls is bleuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!)


Distraction, distraction, distraction.


Thanku everyone.

cards? do you play cards?

let's see... I play cribbage, gin rummy, canasta, pinochle (not good two-handed, but we could find others), or assorted poker and casino games.

Or, there's backgammon, mancala, assorted board games...

Quit looking at the clock -- it moves more slowly when you look.

Can see a crocodile coming towards me going tick tock tick tock - never smile at a crocodile - it'll chew yer darn leg off.

NOTHING...................

KNOW NOTHING..................

Called the police over an hour ago and not heard back yet............

Ah, sounds like R's Plan A is working.

Just phoned the police again - they have him and are "negotiating"........

what's that mean a? NEGOTIATING WITH R - YH RIGHT -

sounds like a blooming seige is taking place....

oh - see..... gotta laugh now...... the nasty sitcom becomes real.

When the police have "negotiated" with him in the past..... he ends up hurting himself and anything in his way.

So....................... I await their call

They have informed me they will NOT let him stay outside, as he is a minor, so.........

Well... he's still on Plan A, right?

He's safe for now; you're worried sick; upheaval everywhere.... Mission Accomplished.

Now you'll get to see Plan B.


{{{ Hugs! }}}

Deep breaths, my friend.

He is safe, and he will begin to see things a bit different. You are not the "bad guy"...

More deep breaths