On the edge and toppling off....

Izzie--

Come back when you're ready. There is no pressure in cyberspace.

Cyberspace is the reality for me right now - floating around here and spilling the emotions....


so where am I right now - well - in the "cr*pping myself" mode -

4.00am - should be sleeping and making happy talk with my dreamcatcher - but instead - not wanting to sleep - wanting to live every minute.......... no, just not wanting to sleep

it's that kinda mortality thing which is weighing heavily right now - I'm scared now - 9 days and counting - how stupid is that a? I mean - it's not like I haven't done this before - hey - just a few times!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yh Yh - quit feeling sorry for myself. Its just another operation.

Before the surgery - well, the "funeral of a friend" - oh jeez - I can't quite believe it really - it's still just still there right in front of me - I can't shake it.

I watched my friends beautiful children who have been with me today and are sleeping like the angels they are. They made me smile so much today - I saw them as I had never seen them before. They are so close to my little fella - and they laughed and laughed. That is wonderful - but just makes me feel so terribly sad too. My friend is existing from day to day - I am so proud of her but she doesn't know it. I see something in her that I haven't seen in anyone else - she is remarkable - and her husband I believe is watching over her and protecting her every step of the way to get her through this.

I am so annoyed that when the funeral is over and life goes on for the rest of the world that I can't be there for her for a while. I know that in some ways that will be a good thing because she will have to gather her strength and step forward - but I don't want to leave her right now. We grown so close and I don't want to let her down. I want to be there for her and the kids.

But I will be useless to her.

I couldn't help her husband. I didn't want him to die. I tried to get them to help him, and I know they did. I begged them to keep going - but it was too late - I knew that. But it was meaningless.

I have a head full of marbles. I feel so desperate at times and yet at times I have found a peace inside. When I am on the threads and laughing - I am being completely me - when I am here talking - I am being me. Put it down here, and get it out of my head, put it to bed and then I can sleep.

I'm so tired. My whole body aches. I know I will sleep when I get upstairs - it's just the making myself stop.......

I feel as though the little men in white coats are round the corner - and I'm telling them to P-off before I set my little dog on them. They should be scared!

Oh I have really lost the plot tonight a?

Thanku for letting me be here and thanku for accepting me for who I am. Letting me whinge away and be a drip. I've had so much support from folk - and my laughter medicine folk have taken me on an accepted me - giving me the medicine, genuinely, every time I have needed it. They have no idea how much they have made a difference in my life.

I am so fortunate, blessed really - found a bunch of folk who I can yabber and talk with - without thinking that anyone is judging what I'm saying. Just take me as I am, at face value now - and hey, yep little lady - you come join us.

Oh, I'm tiried now.

Need to sleep.

I'm sorry for going on - I will put this to bed now and then put myself to bed.

Izzie will be in a better space tommorrow, I'm sure.

Izzie, I share some of your reality.

Sleep well, and we are all here always...

RH

Izzie--



Why? Are the surgeons going to perforate your ear drums when they petrify your feet?

You're a Confirmed Control Freak with a Flair for High Drama. Your Ex must have been jolted back on his heels when you wouldn't respond to his baiting.

Can serenity (which is a step beyond numbness) be your new secret weapon?

The Lady who Zaps With Zen!

Life isn't fair--but you can make it more so even if you are in a wheelchair temporarily.

Hold your dominion.

Izzie--

How are you doing?

This time next week most of the waiting will be finished.

Hold your dominion.

"His masking strategies are absolutely incredible"- what does that mean, his 'masking' strategies?

Checking in for Izzie..

Hi Folks,

I'm not too sure what I'm feeling right now. Been going so fast for the last few days trying not to think too much - if I stop - then that's when I end up going under again and writing a load of stuff that doesn't really change a thing and makes little sense.

I am calm inside right now - is it calm? I dunno - I am something - not really angry, not even grumpy really - just - tired I suppose.

Tomorrow is my last day at work. That has just been so very busy trying to get the handover done - but, whatever hasn't been done - someone else, I know, will sort it out. Not too worried really about that anymore. If I'm not there for a while, it will still be there when I return in few months.

Friday - well, that's going to be a very sad day for a lot of people, especially my friend and her family. Everything is in place now to ensure that she doesn't have to think too much about the details. She and the kids just need to grieve in whatever form that is. It will be a celebration of his life - but it will also be a hard hit for her. It is still so difficult to see her look so lost - I dunno - still can't really get my head around it. Been doing a lot of talking - and yeah - still laughing too. It's very strange. It's all just so surreal still.

Am going away on Saturday nite with my best friend - she's treating me to a girlie weekend and just time on our own before my op. She's my soulmate-sis - we are so close. Will just be good to be with her and not have to think about anything but having some fun. Sounds selfish a? But, it's needed.

My big boy's not doing so grand at the moment. He's struggling. A few weeks in now and I guess "processing" has begun. Nothing has really happened but he's beginning to "bubble" a little. Fallout will happen - just not sure when. They are aware of the change and will deal with it I'm sure - but he's my son - if he hurts, I hurt. Even at a distance.

Then the op. on Tuesday. You know - can't even talk about it. Don't wanna talk about. Don't wanna be doing it. This time next week it'll be done and dusted.

I will get back on my feet - it may take me a while - but I am very fortunate in that respect. I also have people who love and care about me a great deal. So I cannot complain.

Thanku for asking and for being there too - near and far. I really do appreciate your kindness.

Izzie

We all have the ability to wear a "mask". We do it every day in a number of situations. You go to work and can be feeling a little cranky - but when you get there - you put on your face and "social smile" etc. and then get on with your everyday. It's what we all do to a certain extent. It's what is expected. There's an "Eleanor Rigby" in us all.

For my son - he has the abilty to "mask" his lack of understanding in very ordinary situations. He does not comprehend tones of voices, "banter" or facial expressions in the same way as others do. There's nothing wrong with that at all - it does not make him any less of a person than anyone else - it just makes it a little harder for him to "read" what is going on with people (but he is learning every day.)

If we don't understand what is going on around us - it is usually very difficult to just continue with what is going on. We question, or ask, or say how we feel about what is happening. My son doesn't. My son can continue with whatever he is doing because he "masks" his lack of understanding - and no-one has a clue he is doing it.

In other words - when something happens - for example - if my son goes fishing and loses a fish, or a reel breaks or even something that would be very unimportant to anyone else - my son will not appear as tho anything is wrong at all. He could continue fishing for the rest of the day. He could hold conversations with people who say that he has had just the best day fishing. Then - when he gets home - his whole world falls apart - whatever it is that has happened in his day comes to the fore. This can have a very extreme and devastating outcome for him.

For him - I can only describe it as him wearing a "suit or armour" for the rest of the world. He does not have the ability to express his emotions on a level playing field - because he can't express those emotions it is always either a very high "high" or a very low "low". He doesn't have an in-between. To the rest of the world he appears not to have any worries at all. When he gets home - he dispenses with the armour - and fights with the feelings he cannot understand - he is safe to do that at home - and the "masked emotion" can come out because he takes the mask off - and this is what makes him "unsafe" at home.

I'm not sure if I have described that very well. In fact I probably haven't and I apologise if it is unclear.

To everyone else, my son is just a regular neurotypical adolescent. And they are right. For the most part he is - he's like any other kid. There's just that little special part of him that doesn't quite understand in the same way others do - and that makes his world at times very scary and particularly fragile. In a heartbeat - he can damage his world, and not even be aware of why he is doing it.

That is why he is where he is - until his understanding of the "bigger picture", and the way the real-world works, is much improved - he needs a protected environment to ensure that he can face a world without having to wear a mask. He is learning to self-manage his behaviour by gaining a better understanding of what goes on around him.

It is a very rare thing for a child to be placed in the environment he is in - but he is very extreme. It doesn't matter what label anyone puts on him - or doesn't put on him. He's just a kid who needs to be safe right now.

He will do it. He is a good kid - with or without his "mask".

Izzie--

One day at a time. One day at a time.

Abdicating your Mama Tiger role to the professionals is incredibly difficult. So is untimely death and life-changing surgery.

Hold your dominion--and have a good time this weekend. You need to touch earth and recoup your energy.

izzie

I have learned to take one day at a time. Please don't look backwards
just look forwards because we can not do anything about the past.
I have been through a lot recently, my brother who was 57 years old passed away December 9th and the funneral was December 12th. I was very close to him. I had Bunion surgery recently but the surgery went great and I have had very little pain from it. Just tired of wearing the surgery boot hopefully I will back into flat shoes soon. My husband had heart surgery not too long ago. This has been the worst Winter that I have ever gone through. I live in Chicago so we get lots of snow here. I have to take one day at a time or I would be very depressed. My heart goes out to you. Just try to think postive about what you are going through.

Izzie--

Have you packed for your Girls Weekend?

Hi

Can't get to thinking about Saturday yet. I'm saving that focus for tough times tomorrow.

Finished at work today - and that's fine. Done.

Just trying to get organised for tomorrow. My friend is really struggling today. It's all a little too close for comfort for her now but we are spending a lot of time talking....and not just about tomorrow....about anything and everything.

Get through tomorrow.

Then, on Saturday - go and put my dancing shoes on.

Dominion being held (ish) though its just weighing a little heavy.

Thanku all for posting.






PS - haven't even arranged how to get to the hospital yet for 7am Tuesday morning. Just can't think that far ahead these days. Sort it out the day before!

Izzie--

Just read a very accurate wisecrack and thought of you.

"I have a mind like a steel trap--and sometimes I have to chew off my leg to get away from it."

Not sure if you mean that's good or bad...............

Anything entering a steel trap gets crushed and mangled............maybe that is what I do.....................maybe that's what I'm doing now as I'm writing...... pretty destructive that - don't think I'm a destructive person. I'd like to think I'm a constructive and good person. Well, I guess we all like to think nice things about ourselves a?

Wolves chew off their limbs when caught in a trap .... strange really - "Canis lupus" - how appropriate!

I think I am doing exactly what you have said...

I guess, if I were a wolf - I would be a Timber Wolf right this minute. I just chewed off one limb to get away from the crushed and mangled ............... have a fighting chance then, instead of being in pain and waiting for the trapper to come finish me off a?

I came home this afternoon after the funeral - and slept for an hour. I've woken up and my heart is trying to jump out of my chest. I wasn't expecting to feel that so this is why I'm writing.

I'm here to say what's in the steel trap - if I can't say stuff here - I can't say it anywhere - nowhere else to say it out loud so ....................... sorry, just been bumped into another thread...

Phone call (actually - it happened yesterday but I couldn't deal with it then!!!!!!!!) - phone call this morning - my house is sold! Why now? My buyers have a buyer....want to complete by end of March. My beautiful house has been on the market since last August - 3 days after it went on the market I had a buyer. They needed to sell their houses to buy mine. Now they have a buyer - everyone's good to go. Oh dear!

I had found a house (with the man I am still in love with and not with!) - I put an offer in on it which was accepted. However, that was when we were together and were planning our future together. Haven't looked at any other houses. Stopped looking until I had a buyer and won't be able to look for a little while except on the www. Don't really know what to do now.

Don't get me wrong - the house selling is a good thing really - new starts and all that - it's not a home any longer - it's just a very beautiful country house and the ex-husband wants some dosh - fair enough really. Need a new start. Not got a problem with that - that will be a positive move forward. Just...don't know where or how to do it right now! No high drama - just selling a house.

Haven't told anyone about it yet .................... just told the estate agent I would talk to them on Monday to let them know whether to instruct my conveyancing solicitor.

Oh cr*p..............Just...

OOPS - chewed off another leg .... that leaves with me 2 now!



It's been a sad day today. Tomorrow will be a happier.



TODAY = DONE

TOMORROW = SOME FUN




you're right - mind like a steel trap!

Eldest son just phoned....

Wants to have parents who care about him and don't place him in care.

Wants to be fostered or adopted by people who would care about him.

Will I sign him over.

It wasn't a pleasantly asked question. It was rather loud!





I give up

Izzie--

Would you believe a vortex of Interesting Times spinning in and down and burrowing into your section of England?

Eldest Son is working at expressing himself, isn't he? Pity he has to practice on you.

At moments like this, I find it very comforting to contemplate the digestive system of a snake. A smallish snake can swallow a plump mouse because the snake can dislocate her jaw to accommodate dinner. then she has to digest dinner.

Mothers do a great deal of this sort of dislocation-swallow-digest-smile sort of activity.

At my last count you had a Child in Turmoil, a pending divorce, an imminent operation with a lengthy recovery period, a friend coping with an untimely death, a nervous mother wanting to be supportive, and now the challenge of closing a house and packing up and moving while confined to a wheelchair.

Mixing metaphors, your steel-trap mind (snapped shut on your leg, your brain and your heart strings) is going round and round in a squirrel cage.

Interesting times, indeed. You have as much excitement as a small African nation with artificial boundaries.

Izzie, I hope you have a wonderful time this weekend. Pack up your troubles and the Old Steel Trap and wrap them up for Monday Morning. In fact, you could postpone any further intensive worry until Wednesday Morning when the doctors will have given you some lovely pain pills.

Hold your dominion.

Edit to add: Of course you can vent here--all venters are welcome and articulate venters are given red-carpet treatment.

Troubles have been placed in the dresser along with "all things not needed at this point in time" - stick in the cupboard and close the door!

AM OUTTA HERE!

Dance floor - here I come

Izzie--

Enjoy.

I had a wonderful time.........................thanku

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