Sorry, Izzie, if my post (just before this one) sounded rather flippant. I hadn't had the opportunity to read your thread right through till now. (Actually, I couldn't find it again till just now.) You've certainly had a lot to deal with for a long time. I wish I could offer more than sympathy. Hang in there ... one day at a time.
this morning I got a call asking me to go to my friends little boy (10) as his Daddy was feeling poorly. His mom was a hour away and trying to get back home with their daughter.
10 mins later I arrived at their house. My friend died beside me and in front of his child. The paramedics and air ambulance crew worked on him for over an hour. But he was cruelly taken from us, within a split second. He suffered a massive heart attack. His little boy, my son's best friend, just kept asking over and over - "when will Daddy wake up".
We had to tell his little boy that Daddy had gone with the angels. We then had to tell his wife and beautiful daughter when they got back that her husband had died.
Their world has been totally destroyed. I can see him. I can see their faces. I can feel their pain.
I don't understand. I just don't understand how this can be happening.
Beautiful people, kind, loving, generous people. He was such a good friend to me. They are so close to my little son.
Why? Why did this have to happen? They didn't deserve this.
Izzie I am so sorry. I wish I had answers to why life can be so cruel, but I don't. It hurts so bad to lose someone we love. My heart is with you Izzie.
At least the little boy was not alone when his father died. You were able to spare the family that particular dimension of horror.
You can't understand--but you can endure and grow.
Hold your dominion.
Sending you love, Izzie. x
Oh Izzie - sweet lady! I am so sorry that this had to happen to your friends family and to you but like Noddy said - at least you were there...you are so precious and I know a huge comfort to them at this time. You are in my thoughts and prayers...
I just wish I could hug you!
Thanku all - you are the best. It's 4.50am here - Haven't attempted sleep yet - mind has been a whirlwind - but think I will sleep now. Have been sitting out on the patio - the deer are bounding though the paddock, the stars are twinkling and the moon is bright.
I know he is at peace - he was a good man - peace surrounds him. He has his wings of an angel now and will watch over his wife and kids protecting them always.
What sort of funeral arrangements have been made?
Hello Noddy - my Dominion holder.
Its all a bit of a muddle. Because it was an unexpected death there needs to be an autopsy. Over here, apparently that takes 2 weeks! We don't know anything for sure yet because the undertakers don't come out to see her until tomorrow and they will then walk her through what happens next. I've tried to explain that she will go on auto-pilot - just let everyone else take the load for the moment - but she can't hear anything - she can't see anything - she's just so lost.
We did all the police and legal stuff yesterday so now we have to wait to find out the next stage.
My friends are Pagans. Their faith is in nature. I don't understand too much about their faith but they have often included my little boy in the things that they do and the way they celebrate the earth. She doesn't want to hold a religious funeral service and so we're going to try and find out if there is someone who can perform an open air type memorial thing. Thats what he would have wanted she feels. The children have decided that they wish to have him cremated and they want to scatter his ashes on Dartmoor where we live, where they buried their dog.
I looked at her last nite - her face was hollow - there was nothing there. Her eyes were just so empty, she is just numb. I wish I could take the pain from her. And I feel horribly guilty too, for being there when he died - when she wasn't. It shouldn't have been me there. It shouldn't have been me. I look at her and think - will you get angry because I was there and you couldnt be. She keeps saying she should have been with him. It seems so cruel. It's so hard for her - she just can't comprehend what has happened. He was fine in the morning when she left with their daughter. Just fine.
I had her little boy with me today to be with my little fella. They took the dogs off for a walk and he talked to my son - he hasn't spoken to anyone else. My little guy came back and told me the things he had said - one of them was "I wish daddy would have seen me be 11 on my birthday". It just breaks your heart. He told him that they were going to cut Daddy open to make sure he was dead.
How do we get them through this? I've got a number to call CRUISE (I think it's called) - a Bereavement Counselling Agency - I can see my friend completely shutting down - they all need help.
Everyone is just devastated. The whole community that they live in is in shock. We live in the country and the communities around here are so tight-knit. They will all pull together to help her through this - we just need to get her to accept the help.
Its just so sad. We are all so sad.
Tragedy can rebuild strength, Izzie.
Take care, and my thoughts are with you.
Now I feel even closer to you, Izzie, as I grew up in a village on the edge of Dartmoor and have spent years tramping all over it and studying its history. Do email me sometime when you feel up to it. Hope you find some peace of mind very soon. x
I'm in a bit of a rush this morning, but I wanted to give you a suggestion for a pagan funeral gesture.
Plant spring bulbs--ASAP.
When my mother died, we planted crocus on her grave and distributed crocus bulbs to friends and far-flung family. The next spring flowers were blooming in my mother's memory in Ontario, Michigan, New Jersey, several places in Pennsylvania.....
Crocus are a bit chancy because the local wildlife thinks they taste delicious. Snowdrops and daffodils are more likely to last.
Your son and his bereaved friend can help.
Thanku - that is a really lovely idea.
Glad to help. Helpless grieving is very hard.
How right you are, as always Noddy.
Its so tough watching a friend go through this awful tragedy. Its still a muddle but we seem to be making a few steps along - I wouldn't say they were steps forward - but now it's all becoming a reality. And she is still there - as she was on Saturday - disbelieving that this could possibly happen. There is so much to do. We don't really know where to start. The community all around her are at a loss in knowing what they can do to get her and her beautiful children through it. But they will step-up when they are needed.
The coroner released the body today and the cause of death was a coronary something..... basically, an anneurism. Gosh, that's so easy to write...... and look what it means - it means a fit and wonderful man, who was valued and loved, was cruelly taken and his family have been left shattered - because he had "an anneurism"! Yeah, I know, you can't let that rage take hold. But if I'm enraged - then the world better look out when my friend starts getting angry. It is so unjust! He wouldn't have known anything about it, but that doesn't take the look off his family's face knowing that it was quick. It's no consolation to them at this time.
My friend has started talking. I know she wants to talk now. It's so strange - the words she's saying is like listening to myself. "I don't want to be here" "I don't want to talk to anyone I know" "I want it to stop" "Fast forward 6 months" - she went on her computer last nite and found a forum which she thought she might write on - her head is spinning and yet she is in slow motion - she wants to talk to strangers - just as I did - people who don't just feel sorry for her - people who can understand her and let her talk without judging anything she says - just as I did a few weeks ago. I explained how you guys somehow, don't know how, but somehow stopped me from falling off the edge (thanku all) and became much more than just strangers.
So....I'm not sure whether she will look here - but she asked who I was talking to.... I said you guys. If she looks here - which I don't know if she will - but if she does - first up, I know you guys will help her possibly in a way that I cant because I am too close to it all - secondly - "RowanLady" - if you are reading this - this is your story.... so I will leave you to tell it - just know that I am right beside you should you need me - write it down and maybe let these folks help you if they can. Just get it out your head and write away. I will step back from your thread and let these good folk step in.
A2Kers - I hope she signs on - she's a good person - needs a little help from some friends.
Thanks for the kind words. We're here to help when we can.
So very tired. Wish I could sleep.
So hard to watch people you care about hurting, knowing you can't do anything to ease the feelings of emptiness which surround them.
Laughing at the macabre. So weird. Only time I feel any use is when I'm doing something practical. Don't want to go to work - under so much pressure to hand over before I go off sick. They are supportive - really good folk - but need the hand over and stuff done. Who gives a cr*p if the school dinner money is banked - I DON'T. Not right now. It all seems so unimportant to me.
Had final mediation session with ex. yesterday. Didn't go to plan. I was so bloody understanding and then kept it all calm when he got nasty. He was even told off by the mediators for using an agressive tone. It all seemed so unimportant too. Told them to draw up papers - would agree to anything - wasn't gonna fight him - walked away. Life is too short. Yet - I am so angry at him. But hey - holding my head high on that one.
Going to doctor - not very well and know they won't operate unless I get stronger - bronchitis been going on since before Christmas. Cr*p body. Cr*p everything.
Just wanna be angry right now. Gotta get the anger out.
This shouldn't be happening to my friends. Unproductive rage - it's there. Need to shift it...................
VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING VENTING
wanna laugh too - kinda hysterically - aaaaaaaaaaaaagh - who knows what to do!
Howl, girlfriend. Howl.
Need to talk........
Have spent time with my friend tonight - really talking.....
The bond we have between us has come about through tragedy - the worst possible way - the cruelest way. The biggest part of me wishes that we still didn't know each other in the way we do now. If we didn't have this bond - then her husband would still be with her.
But he isn't.
The bond we have has become an incredibly strong friendship. Something very pure - very personal - very......I can't find the words. Intimate I suppose. Deep. Do you know what I mean?
I'm grateful for that............friendship is the best.....................
but why this way?
Tonight we talked about last Saturday - a week ago tomorrow. She doesn't know what happened. She needs to know what happened. She wants to know. She thought she knew - but she didn't.
I couldn't tell her tonight. I was cr*p.
I want to. I want her to know. She needs to know. It shouldn't be something I own.
When I left her tonight - I said that when she is ready to know - just ask - and I will tell her what happened when I was there.
I'm so sorry it had to be this way. That she didn't know and I do.
I don't want that taken from her. I'm sorry.
I need to shut it down. I need to be Izzie and .................... now I go post on the threads with friends who know - but will move the pain to the back for a time.