thank y'all for listening...
I wish I had the ability to express myself how I want to
I know I do so much that I know is wrong
For instance, here for example… I see a thread and immediately go and write something… and, other than on the ‘ship’ (usually) and 2 or 3 other threads where I have a comfort zone or with a few folk whom with I’m entirely comfortable, I usually end up deleting it
Why? I know why… and I know render myself mute
In real life, I say exactly what I think, when I think it, but only to very,very few folk - Charlie, K-bro, Tulip, Pam (who I don’t see so often these days as R spends much time there and her life is real busy) - so oftentimes I am silent for much of the time
S-boy laughs at me, with me – he thinks I’m totally mad, as in funny mad and I know he’s so proud that I’m his Mom, we have the most amazing relationship – he wishes I would get out more and show everyone who I am – but I can’t seem to do that IRL… or to a point, here on A2K any longer
I suppose I’m the opposite of most people who may possibly need a steady real life, not simply acknowledgement, but family and friends and life and going out and all that, ya know, all the normal stuff that people do – that would be the majority normal thing – you see people saying it all the time on here, ya know, how cyber worlds should be that small part of your life or for passing time etc, and real life should be the thing that matters – being with real people, having a life
(some notable exceptions – but generally speaking)
For me tho, I don’t want to be acknowledged in real life now – well, I do, I really do, but not for being that person, because I don’t much like the me that people see, so I hide me away for those I trust where there are no boundaries and all acceptance; there’s always a mask where everyone else who meets me who thinks I’m so super confident and bubbly and blah, and I can put on that show anytime – outgoing, loud, gushy, bright, life and soul… but then I get home and think, really, they don’t have clue about me, all they’ve seen is the surface and that’s not an honest surface, it’s just the surface that one presents to others – and it’s not just that, it’s that I don’t trust folk with what’s inside me – I did, I did trust folk a while back IRL, but no… not now.
I sometimes get so much physical pain which is hugely frustrating and annoying and yet on the outside, I appear so ‘normal’ – which then makes it even more frustrating and annoying . The same goes for the mental crahp.
No-one sees the underneath bit that eats me up, physically and mentally – and that’s probably good, I know that, that’s prolly as it should be – but as I can’t live that way all the time, I’d rather not see anyone. It’s hard enough doing it 3 days a week at school – I think that’s what exhausts me along with the work, the work is easy, just tiring, but the façade of everything is OK when it really isn’t, get’s wearing (tho my boss is pretty good and one of my colleagues knows me pretty well). So I live within my head, declining the night’s out or a meal or whatever, even going to someone else’s house, nope, and reside here with some folk here who I can talk to – even when I just do blah.
The inner confident thing doesn’t exist even if the outer one appears to – the bubbly and blah is there for sure – but there’s so much more than that and I no longer seem to be able to let anyone be a part of that.
The last time I was confident and felt good was about 18 months ago and I allowed a couple of people to trample me in one fell swoop. I made it easy by being quiet and biting my tongue.
I bite my tongue all the time. Every day. Every single day when my Mother calls me to tell me what’s happening with R-boy. Every day my jaw clenches, I bite the inside of my cheeks, my whole body tenses – it’s always tense, it’s never relaxed, it cramps and clamps and I bite down hard to feel that and not to feel what goes on in my head when I pick up the phone. I feel bad because my Mom and I have no relationship any longer and I know how much that hurts her and it’s really not her fault. She never meant to do anything wrong, and in fact, she hasn’t done anything wrong with a rational view. Without her, I don’t know if , R would have survived. Yet, I feel, she made me null and void – that feeling won’t go away. I won’t ever know if he would have come back to me. I can’t find a way to change it or to move past it, but I do have to accept it. She has contact with R, she needs that and he needs that, and I need to leave it at that. When she asks me, like on Friday, how she can help R now… as always <bite, chew>, I answer “how would I know that any longer Mom, how?” And the heckles rise, and the conversation ends and I know we both feel like crahp.
I rarely cry other than in laughter (which with S-boy is a lot), or when I hear someone sing, or watch someone dance, chick flick thing, or I read a blog that I follow – I swear the person who writes it could be me – it’s quite bizarre that they write what I feel – I mean strangely uncanny. Do I have a doppelganger in Indonesia!!!!
I cry when I come to this thread because I feel it is such a failing to still be here. I'm sure if I post this I will then chew myself out for putting it out there where once it's there, it's not going away. Perhaps it is a reminder to me to STFU already.
Anyhoo, what’s the point I’m trying to make? I don’t know really but I needed to write. On Thursday we had the autism team come into school to see our SENCo and a multi-agency meeting about a little kid just starting in the system. The SENCo has been with us for a while, she’s phenomenal (just a young girl), well – she knows nothing about me, as in nothing, she knows I get sick and whatnot but she doesn’t know diddly about me really… she came to me in the afternoon and we were talking about how agencies walk into school and make a decision based on an hour of observing a child... decisions that will effect the rest of his little life at school – and possibly the rest of his life… well, of course, I was chewing my cheek and biting my lip and then… well, the whole shebang came out about R which, of course, she had no idea about at all.
What was strange, was she had to go into the SEN meeting, but she didn’t, she stood and listened to me, face to face for about 20 minutes, not that I could look her in the face, well, how can you when you’ve just said you put your little darling in care in his best interests (f*cking laughable if there were any humour in the whole thing) - I mean that simply makes me hideous inside and out
But she didn’t leave, she just listened. Then she said ‘Thank You. I’ll always remember what you’ve said from a parental perspective and take that with me into my teaching.’
She went into the meeting and I went home. Then it hit me. Damn. I just let her into my world and that wasn’t fair – who wants to hear a story like that- no-one, not really, not deep down; what positivity could ever come from knowing that – zip, nada, zilch. Promptly bursting into tears. YUK.
I went togging for a while with some folk way back when, a few meets based totally on togging, my camera as my blanket… but… they wanted to do it often and for a while, it was OK, it felt good to be out and about, but then… ‘eh, kinda getting past the togging mask stage and too close for comfort so I stopped that. When I thought I could do it again, I was poorly so it sounded as tho I was making excuses. So that’s kaput now. I could start it up again but I don’t know that I want to.
I understand my problems are no-one else’s problems. These are my hang-ups – no-one elses. Everyone IRL is always so nice and kind to me but often they want more of me than I can give, or permit, and I don’t have the energy to even try and explain – physically I don’t have hardly the energy to do anything even half good these days – a walk is a major feat and tho it’s wonderful, there’s a payback after. Not another soul in the world would accept me being in their real life as I am now – my malaises are so unpredictable and it saps what life there is in me, out. Other than Sean and the true friends I have where they accept my failings and illness as is, what I have is a place to go here on a board, but then I loathe myself for writing here in this place, yet still feel the need to once in a while, or else I feel dishonest.
IRL people don’t see what is still part of me, they only see a small part of me but when it comes to accepting what’s been before and will always be there, they don’t have room for that as that’s all far too mindbending so I walk away. The past is the past… but mine can’t leave me and I can’t leave R behind. He has to move forward somehow and I have to be there even tho I can’t do anything. I can’t leave him behind. I argue with myself – I know I can’t make a difference or doing anything for him, but how do I move on without him – yet, he’s not been in my life for years, despite the daily reminders and the feelings I have when sh!te is going down.
So, tomorrow I have to drive to my parents with Scooby and S-boy and deposit them at my parents house so that R-boy can see S and R’s dawg. I will have to leave immediately as I can’t be there when R shows. I understand that quite clearly – that’s R’s unwritten rules but ONLY I understand that him seeing me would tip him over the edge…. Not me… him, so I agree to those rules.
There’s a part of me that wants to hide behind the garage or on the roof… so I can get a glimpse of him, to hear his voice, to see him hug his brother… just.to.see.him
But then that risk is too great …there would be a reaction of the worst kind. From what he has said, I do believe if he saw me, one or both of us would not survive that, so it’s a no-brainer really. I don’t quite fancy my “awakening” yet and S-boy needs his Mom around and his brother.
S is the bridge and it’s imperative they keep contact.
Again, his father and I don’t exist. It’s terribly hard not to exist in your child’s life (that’s why I feel so bad for my Mom), and waiting for that
phone call. I wish in some ways I could be like my ex-hub and move forward as he has done – but but but ( I know, use the word “and” not “but”, turn it round)… but then I would have walked away.
Perhaps this is the worst kind of self-indulgence… or self-indulgence of the worst kind. I find it loathesome to write here, almost disrespectful of the support I’ve received over the years that I haven’t managed to get past the past… or that I continue with it. I know that I’m not trying to continue it, because for me there is a continuance each day and rightly or wrongly, there is no way to alter that and I have no need to prove that. I can’t even say I don’t like who I am because I do – I know I like the larger percentage of who I am and what I do, I know I’m not bad, I know I’m intelligent and blessed and by the grace of the Goddesses I am certainly more fortunate that many. I know my laughter, my honesty, my love and inner-being is genuine – and I accept that there’s a part of me I despise to the core because somewhere, somewhere it all went so horribly wrong and I must take responsibility for that – there had to be a better way. For me, it’s a small percentage that still is having an effect on my well-being.
What I also know, is reverse those percentages and that is how R feels – he hates most of himself, he sees no good in himself.
So for me, being that he’s part of me, albeit in his parallel universe somewhere along the road, the balance still does not stabilise – it keeps tipping as the days go by, hoping one day to reconcile and level out.
It’s almost as if I can’t feel better whilst I know he’s hurting so bad – when he takes a lead in the direction of his life, then perhaps I will head out on a new direction too. Until then, I don’t see a way forward and see a solitary life. S-boy has lead his own life for a number of years now, he’s only 14 but he knows what he wants, where he’s going and how he intends to get there. He either will or won’t make it happen – but he makes the choices and so far, they’ve been pretty much all good ones for someone so young.
R… he doesn’t even see a life ahead of him, nor choices.
Anyhoo, I thank anyone who’s taken the time to read this latest blurb. The most sensible/madcrazy I ever am is on here. The most honest I am is here. I would never say these things IRL to my family.
I wrote that yesterday, but couldn’t post it.
Today, I took S-boy to the town… on the way he received a text from his bro to say he couldn’t see him. S-boy has my resilience for not letting it get to him outwardly, even tho I know he’s hurt again. He so wanted to see R.
We are about to hoover through the house