On the edge and toppling off....

Tue 27 Sep, 2011 03:33 pm
Izzie wrote:

I didn’t know which way it would go, I still don’t, there’s no point me trying to explain why or what I'm feeling – I don’t feel... <snip>

I know, but I don’t expect anyone else to know, but I know how fragile this is – it can change with one look, one word, one action – for the reaction.

I had a weird weekend - thoughts running astray so I had to switch it off

I can do that now

I am completely ice - some people realise that now - I've flicked that switch on here, not that it matters

but I know it, I can't feel anything - if I do, I will topple off that edge so fast that I don't ever let myself get that close anymore - I stand back and look from the outside, 'in'

I 'get' my son - it should be "like mother, like son" - but it's the opposite - I understand him, I feel his thoughts - it's "like son, like mother"

you see, if I stop for one minute and think about this, my eyes well up and I can't swallow, that tight feeling across my chest

I can't live like he does, but I know it and I understand it

that's why I can't allow myself to feel

there's no pain unless I think about what he's going through

I know, I KNOW NOW, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the way he thinks, I never was able to, to make him feel whole or even a part of something

his paranoia, his beliefs in what happened to him, is happening to him, the Lucifer and God are very much part of his life - they are absolutely real to him

The other day I was talking - I don't even know who to - a stranger probably - I told them that the reason I have cut out as much of my real life here is because of the judgement passed - not that anyone has EVER judged me openly here IRL, that's just my perception from the confused and silent reproaching looks that go across people's faces ...

you see, there is nowt worse than seeing someone from the past and them asking you "how is R?" and for me, his mother, to turn around and say "I don't have a clue" "I don't see my son" "I don't know what he looks like" "I don't know the sound of his voice" "I don't know anything about him, I haven't seen him in years"

of course, I could lie, but I can't

I can't do it - I'd rather not ever see another person from the past, the people who never saw what happened, the people who never knew anything of what happened in the house, or what it was like to sit and watch him carving himself up and not take the knife away from him because that would be more dangerous, or to have S-boy walk into us restraining him, or finding the pool of blood on the kitchen floor or any of the millions of things that happened - the golf clubs across the windows, the smashed up everything, every occasion ending with a tradeoff - happy birthday, few more scars, happy christmas, few more scars, day out, run away...

you see, these aren't my thoughts, these are the images retained and why I look at the world thru a viewfinder, so try and put a new image there

and no-one believing that we weren't the Waltons on the Hill - not taking our fears seriously, no-one understanding why we had to call the police, no-one else seeing a tiny S-boy cowering in his room, hiding under his bed, because of the things he heard, his brother telling him we were trying to kill him

all those things, all those things I never want to think about again - but they're all there to come out at times like this when I simply don't know what the **** is going to happen

and as I sat with the accountant the other day wondering how I will manage as I get older and not being able to work like regular folk do - and saying that there's no point me really thinking too much about the future because none of us know what's around the corner... and blah blah blah

this is when it hurts most - that if I am worried about how ******* blessed my life is because I honestly want for very little and actually my bubble is pretty damn perfect... how the **** bad does my son feel - when his hope disappears as the shadow ghost takes over his life again

and remember - I know that ghost, I can see it so clearly, I know the night he came in - January 26th... that night... when R then spent 2 weeks sleeping on the floor beside me, scared to death - talking to the ghost who was beside him, describing what the ghost was wearing, what it was saying, what it was going to do

R got used to having him around - he was there to remind R that Lucifer was in his eyes, the reason for the smashed mirrors, the reason for the cuts

he was a little boy - he was just a young child


did they listen


would they listen now to the man he's become

yep, someone would listen

but he's no longer talking

and tho this may all seem just a bunch of words - well, I only lived in R's world for a short time - his world became a whole lot blacker and he had no family, in his mind, no-one cared, we abandoned him, we didn't love him

but we did care, we didn't abandon him, we do love him

but he can't hear us

my ex-hub and i talked tonight - well, we spoke in silence, him asking me "what can i do?" - me saying "what did we ever do?" Silence from both ends of the phone

anyhoo, so there it is, got it off my chest

my Mom has spoken to him tonight and he says he's feeling a little better and that he wants to go to college tomorrow - it's half a day - the will is there, is just whether he'll find the way

sleep is not an option for him

it's really not all doom and gloom, seriously, it isn't even if i'm coming across as that, i don't mean to - i think his tomorrows will keep on coming, tortorous as they are for him, and his mind that is the minefield will continue to blow him and 'us' out the water every so often - and if it changes where it's too much for him and his next tomorrow - i know there is nothing i can do to stop it

that... that alone is the worst feeling in the world as a mother

for him, it would be too late

when there is so much in life that he could enjoy if he had that ability to let it happen

as for forgiving or forgetting which i occasionally see popping up - no, I don't forgive or forget, i won't ever forgive or forget and the anger burns inside me that a child, my child, had to go through what he did and does

i know i won't topple off now

i just won't

i live and i fly and all around me is good and my whole being is ... "it is what it is and tomorrow is a new and beautiful day"

for me, it is

which on the face of it is sh!te for him

So i will still hope for him and i'll hope that he will be carried when he's too tired to go on

"like mother, like son" - if he could have just one small part of who i am... it would be that he has the strength to hold on, to never let go of the good that i know is out there and can be received

one thing changed on Saturday - I saw a photo of my son taken last Wednesday... he had the biggest smile, he's thin, so very thin, but he had the biggest smile you can imagine - I showed Charlie last night

it's hard for anyone to reconcile the blackness he lives in when you see a smile like that

anyone, except for our family that was.

Thank you RH and JPB - thank you Boida and BEAgle, Missy et al - thank you ... yep, I do take comfort because here I can leave my Eleanor Rigby in a jar by the door and it really is neither here not there if folk who don't know me believe my ramblings or not - here I can just say it as it is, even if it's repeating myself or sounds as tho I'm wallowing - I can say it out loud and no-one has to look at me or see my face or my eyes that would give me away

I don't wallow anymore - there's no mud, no mire, no dark and nasties haunting me in my life

but herein lies my problem - it shouldn't be 'my life'... it should be our life until he had flown the nest of his own accord

that's something i can never change, nor turn back time

i just hear the clock ticking - sometimes that's a comfort, sometimes it scares me

tomorrow, tomorrow I hope to pop by here to tell y'all he made it to college

three years ago I would have been saying ' iffn he made it thru the night' - but he'll get thru this night, and the next and the next...

i hope

i have a hoper in high gear...

and am holding my dominion.

Tue 27 Sep, 2011 03:40 pm
and one hell of a dominion it is...

((( iz )))
Tue 27 Sep, 2011 04:59 pm
yep to that.

Wed 28 Sep, 2011 01:53 pm
he went to college, MaMa saw him, he's doing better today...

<ok...insert sighing emoticon>

Wed 28 Sep, 2011 04:42 pm
Here's to better days!
Wed 28 Sep, 2011 05:29 pm
Yep to that too... Smile
It sounds like he has something that motivates him to keep going. Love that. Thoughts are still there.
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Thu 29 Sep, 2011 04:04 pm
Glad he went back, Iz. That's hard.
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Thu 29 Sep, 2011 05:41 pm
i know i won't topple off now

i just won't

i live and i fly and all around me is good and my whole being is ... "it is what it is and tomorrow is a new and beautiful day"

Good morning, Iz ....
After all you've been through with R, that is so good to hear.

You've done everything you could possibly have done to support R's rights & for so long. What more could you have possibly done?
And I'm certain you'll continue to support him "behind the scenes", because that is the only avenue open to you at this point in time. You are very wise to accept the reality of the situation, as sad as it makes you feel.

And try not to worry about "the locals" & what they might think.
You know the full story. They don't.

You're a good person. We all know that. I'm just hoping you know it, too! Smile
Sending many gentle, peaceful thoughts in your direction, Iz.

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Sat 15 Oct, 2011 04:34 am
Unfortunately R-boy is no longer at college.

It's been a tough couple weeks, a horrible couple of weeks and... well, in short - the demons, ya know... his black and white world not allowing him to get into the grey zone. He's still upchucking blood.

Physically for me, my body had given up for a few days - feeling quite a bit better today and not in as much pain. It's starting to take it's toll tho. Tired of the effort involved in simply moving without pain taking over.

Anyhoo, just needed to say it.

Onwards and upwards.
Sat 15 Oct, 2011 04:44 am
So sorry to read abour R-boy Izzie. As for yourself you're one heroic lady by suffering so much in silence. You're daily in my thoughts, I'm sending you vibes across the oceans and so hope brighter days are ahead for you. (((Izzie)))
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Sat 15 Oct, 2011 06:53 am

That's beyond oof actually.

I'm sure all of this stress does nothing for your own health.

Don't suffer in silence, though!

Glad you said something.
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Sat 15 Oct, 2011 10:01 am
((Izzie)) So sorry hun. Thoughts and prayers - always.
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Sat 15 Oct, 2011 11:43 am
Iz, Your post reminded me of this poem:

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Is it hoping for better that keeps us going? Don't know. But my hoper is oiled and in high gear for you,

Love you, kid.
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Sat 15 Oct, 2011 11:58 am
Hugs, Izzie. (thinking of you)
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Sat 15 Oct, 2011 12:02 pm
where there's tea, there is hope...

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Sat 15 Oct, 2011 02:12 pm
ugh! listening...
Sun 16 Oct, 2011 07:37 am
thank y'all for listening...


I wish I had the ability to express myself how I want to

I know I do so much that I know is wrong

For instance, here for example… I see a thread and immediately go and write something… and, other than on the ‘ship’ (usually) and 2 or 3 other threads where I have a comfort zone or with a few folk whom with I’m entirely comfortable, I usually end up deleting it

Why? I know why… and I know render myself mute

In real life, I say exactly what I think, when I think it, but only to very,very few folk - Charlie, K-bro, Tulip, Pam (who I don’t see so often these days as R spends much time there and her life is real busy) - so oftentimes I am silent for much of the time

S-boy laughs at me, with me – he thinks I’m totally mad, as in funny mad and I know he’s so proud that I’m his Mom, we have the most amazing relationship – he wishes I would get out more and show everyone who I am – but I can’t seem to do that IRL… or to a point, here on A2K any longer

I suppose I’m the opposite of most people who may possibly need a steady real life, not simply acknowledgement, but family and friends and life and going out and all that, ya know, all the normal stuff that people do – that would be the majority normal thing – you see people saying it all the time on here, ya know, how cyber worlds should be that small part of your life or for passing time etc, and real life should be the thing that matters – being with real people, having a life

(some notable exceptions – but generally speaking)

For me tho, I don’t want to be acknowledged in real life now – well, I do, I really do, but not for being that person, because I don’t much like the me that people see, so I hide me away for those I trust where there are no boundaries and all acceptance; there’s always a mask where everyone else who meets me who thinks I’m so super confident and bubbly and blah, and I can put on that show anytime – outgoing, loud, gushy, bright, life and soul… but then I get home and think, really, they don’t have clue about me, all they’ve seen is the surface and that’s not an honest surface, it’s just the surface that one presents to others – and it’s not just that, it’s that I don’t trust folk with what’s inside me – I did, I did trust folk a while back IRL, but no… not now.

I sometimes get so much physical pain which is hugely frustrating and annoying and yet on the outside, I appear so ‘normal’ – which then makes it even more frustrating and annoying . The same goes for the mental crahp.

No-one sees the underneath bit that eats me up, physically and mentally – and that’s probably good, I know that, that’s prolly as it should be – but as I can’t live that way all the time, I’d rather not see anyone. It’s hard enough doing it 3 days a week at school – I think that’s what exhausts me along with the work, the work is easy, just tiring, but the façade of everything is OK when it really isn’t, get’s wearing (tho my boss is pretty good and one of my colleagues knows me pretty well). So I live within my head, declining the night’s out or a meal or whatever, even going to someone else’s house, nope, and reside here with some folk here who I can talk to – even when I just do blah.

The inner confident thing doesn’t exist even if the outer one appears to – the bubbly and blah is there for sure – but there’s so much more than that and I no longer seem to be able to let anyone be a part of that.

The last time I was confident and felt good was about 18 months ago and I allowed a couple of people to trample me in one fell swoop. I made it easy by being quiet and biting my tongue.

I bite my tongue all the time. Every day. Every single day when my Mother calls me to tell me what’s happening with R-boy. Every day my jaw clenches, I bite the inside of my cheeks, my whole body tenses – it’s always tense, it’s never relaxed, it cramps and clamps and I bite down hard to feel that and not to feel what goes on in my head when I pick up the phone. I feel bad because my Mom and I have no relationship any longer and I know how much that hurts her and it’s really not her fault. She never meant to do anything wrong, and in fact, she hasn’t done anything wrong with a rational view. Without her, I don’t know if , R would have survived. Yet, I feel, she made me null and void – that feeling won’t go away. I won’t ever know if he would have come back to me. I can’t find a way to change it or to move past it, but I do have to accept it. She has contact with R, she needs that and he needs that, and I need to leave it at that. When she asks me, like on Friday, how she can help R now… as always <bite, chew>, I answer “how would I know that any longer Mom, how?” And the heckles rise, and the conversation ends and I know we both feel like crahp.

I rarely cry other than in laughter (which with S-boy is a lot), or when I hear someone sing, or watch someone dance, chick flick thing, or I read a blog that I follow – I swear the person who writes it could be me – it’s quite bizarre that they write what I feel – I mean strangely uncanny. Do I have a doppelganger in Indonesia!!!!

I cry when I come to this thread because I feel it is such a failing to still be here. I'm sure if I post this I will then chew myself out for putting it out there where once it's there, it's not going away. Perhaps it is a reminder to me to STFU already.

Anyhoo, what’s the point I’m trying to make? I don’t know really but I needed to write. On Thursday we had the autism team come into school to see our SENCo and a multi-agency meeting about a little kid just starting in the system. The SENCo has been with us for a while, she’s phenomenal (just a young girl), well – she knows nothing about me, as in nothing, she knows I get sick and whatnot but she doesn’t know diddly about me really… she came to me in the afternoon and we were talking about how agencies walk into school and make a decision based on an hour of observing a child... decisions that will effect the rest of his little life at school – and possibly the rest of his life… well, of course, I was chewing my cheek and biting my lip and then… well, the whole shebang came out about R which, of course, she had no idea about at all.

What was strange, was she had to go into the SEN meeting, but she didn’t, she stood and listened to me, face to face for about 20 minutes, not that I could look her in the face, well, how can you when you’ve just said you put your little darling in care in his best interests (f*cking laughable if there were any humour in the whole thing) - I mean that simply makes me hideous inside and out

But she didn’t leave, she just listened. Then she said ‘Thank You. I’ll always remember what you’ve said from a parental perspective and take that with me into my teaching.’

She went into the meeting and I went home. Then it hit me. Damn. I just let her into my world and that wasn’t fair – who wants to hear a story like that- no-one, not really, not deep down; what positivity could ever come from knowing that – zip, nada, zilch. Promptly bursting into tears. YUK.

I went togging for a while with some folk way back when, a few meets based totally on togging, my camera as my blanket… but… they wanted to do it often and for a while, it was OK, it felt good to be out and about, but then… ‘eh, kinda getting past the togging mask stage and too close for comfort so I stopped that. When I thought I could do it again, I was poorly so it sounded as tho I was making excuses. So that’s kaput now. I could start it up again but I don’t know that I want to.

I understand my problems are no-one else’s problems. These are my hang-ups – no-one elses. Everyone IRL is always so nice and kind to me but often they want more of me than I can give, or permit, and I don’t have the energy to even try and explain – physically I don’t have hardly the energy to do anything even half good these days – a walk is a major feat and tho it’s wonderful, there’s a payback after. Not another soul in the world would accept me being in their real life as I am now – my malaises are so unpredictable and it saps what life there is in me, out. Other than Sean and the true friends I have where they accept my failings and illness as is, what I have is a place to go here on a board, but then I loathe myself for writing here in this place, yet still feel the need to once in a while, or else I feel dishonest.

IRL people don’t see what is still part of me, they only see a small part of me but when it comes to accepting what’s been before and will always be there, they don’t have room for that as that’s all far too mindbending so I walk away. The past is the past… but mine can’t leave me and I can’t leave R behind. He has to move forward somehow and I have to be there even tho I can’t do anything. I can’t leave him behind. I argue with myself – I know I can’t make a difference or doing anything for him, but how do I move on without him – yet, he’s not been in my life for years, despite the daily reminders and the feelings I have when sh!te is going down.

So, tomorrow I have to drive to my parents with Scooby and S-boy and deposit them at my parents house so that R-boy can see S and R’s dawg. I will have to leave immediately as I can’t be there when R shows. I understand that quite clearly – that’s R’s unwritten rules but ONLY I understand that him seeing me would tip him over the edge…. Not me… him, so I agree to those rules.

There’s a part of me that wants to hide behind the garage or on the roof… so I can get a glimpse of him, to hear his voice, to see him hug his brother… just.to.see.him

But then that risk is too great …there would be a reaction of the worst kind. From what he has said, I do believe if he saw me, one or both of us would not survive that, so it’s a no-brainer really. I don’t quite fancy my “awakening” yet and S-boy needs his Mom around and his brother.

S is the bridge and it’s imperative they keep contact.

Again, his father and I don’t exist. It’s terribly hard not to exist in your child’s life (that’s why I feel so bad for my Mom), and waiting for that phone call. I wish in some ways I could be like my ex-hub and move forward as he has done – but but but ( I know, use the word “and” not “but”, turn it round)… but then I would have walked away.

Perhaps this is the worst kind of self-indulgence… or self-indulgence of the worst kind. I find it loathesome to write here, almost disrespectful of the support I’ve received over the years that I haven’t managed to get past the past… or that I continue with it. I know that I’m not trying to continue it, because for me there is a continuance each day and rightly or wrongly, there is no way to alter that and I have no need to prove that. I can’t even say I don’t like who I am because I do – I know I like the larger percentage of who I am and what I do, I know I’m not bad, I know I’m intelligent and blessed and by the grace of the Goddesses I am certainly more fortunate that many. I know my laughter, my honesty, my love and inner-being is genuine – and I accept that there’s a part of me I despise to the core because somewhere, somewhere it all went so horribly wrong and I must take responsibility for that – there had to be a better way. For me, it’s a small percentage that still is having an effect on my well-being.

What I also know, is reverse those percentages and that is how R feels – he hates most of himself, he sees no good in himself.

So for me, being that he’s part of me, albeit in his parallel universe somewhere along the road, the balance still does not stabilise – it keeps tipping as the days go by, hoping one day to reconcile and level out.

It’s almost as if I can’t feel better whilst I know he’s hurting so bad – when he takes a lead in the direction of his life, then perhaps I will head out on a new direction too. Until then, I don’t see a way forward and see a solitary life. S-boy has lead his own life for a number of years now, he’s only 14 but he knows what he wants, where he’s going and how he intends to get there. He either will or won’t make it happen – but he makes the choices and so far, they’ve been pretty much all good ones for someone so young.

R… he doesn’t even see a life ahead of him, nor choices.

Anyhoo, I thank anyone who’s taken the time to read this latest blurb. The most sensible/madcrazy I ever am is on here. The most honest I am is here. I would never say these things IRL to my family.

I wrote that yesterday, but couldn’t post it.

Today, I took S-boy to the town… on the way he received a text from his bro to say he couldn’t see him. S-boy has my resilience for not letting it get to him outwardly, even tho I know he’s hurt again. He so wanted to see R.

We are about to hoover through the house Wink
Sun 16 Oct, 2011 09:05 am
I would definitely encourage you to continue writing here, Izzie. You can get feedback from your many friends in different parts of the world. Saying such things to people who are around you each day is extremely awkward (as you yourself have described).
Sun 16 Oct, 2011 03:28 pm
What Goethe said, Izzie. I have toppled off this week and I'm not as resilient as I used to be.

How about some crab soccer. Razz


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Sun 16 Oct, 2011 03:31 pm
Wonderful post Izzie, I can see the real you, so wish I could turn your world around for the better. Keep on writing here and get your thoughts out of your system. xxx
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