On the edge and toppling off....

Yesterday R had a blip.

He now wishes to call the police on me because I won't hand over a large sum of money for him to throw a party for his friend. He also wants to call the police on all the carers because they have "let him down".

anyhoooooooo... stood ground...


R-boy will be here in an hour. I will give him some money so he can get his friend a bday present and have a little spending money.

This will be the first time I have seen him in nearly a year. They don't think he will get out the car or acknowledge me - but he will see that I am human and alive. This is a start.

Maybe...

scared now... bit scared...

anxious - me that is.

If I could hold your hand while R drops by I would. I will be spiritually routing ... um ... (not quite) ... rooting for your Izzie. Stay strong.

Small steps lead to bigger things if patience and persistence are provided.

Thanku Tsar




The car has broken down so they haven't picked him up yet - this... is causing another "blip" (verbal telephone blips)... as it would... so I don't know what he'll be like by the time he gets here - agitated methinks

I'm not anxious about what he will do - I too don't think he will acknowledge me - it scares me how I'm going to feel after seeing him, my heart is going ten to the dozen right now

i'm waiting for a phone call from the authorities re his payments which i will be transferring into his name. Automatically they will require him to fill in forms which describe his needs and in what ways he will need assistance - which of course, he says he has no needs and won't need assistance (he has no idea about the real world), so the payments will therefore cease. I can't do anything about this tho I will ask them if its possible to attend the meeting with SocS and my lawyer so they are fully aware of R's abilities and how they too (SocS) realise how challenging this will be for him. I have all the backing from his carers who work with him - whether that is enough, I don't know. That's all I can do, I think. I don't know what else to do.

Waiting with you, Iz. Hoping this goes smoothly. Also waiting to hear.

In my thoughts, hope all goes well Izzie. xx

Waiting along with the other folk here, Iz.
Fingers crossed for you.

Nothing

a couple of minutes

They parked on the side of the road. R would not come to the door. I went to the car and sat on the edge of the drivers seat - he had a big woolen hat pulled down over his face and his hoody up. I tried to talk with him, tried to get him to take the money, when I went towards him he reacted and made fists at which stage the manager moved closer to me and... time for me to go back inside my house.

Nothing. No words. I couldn't see him. He couldn't see me. I touched his arm. I left the money on his lap.

They drove off.

Broken pieces of nothing.

Aw, Iz.
I'm sorry it was like that.
Just awful for you.
I hope you're OK?

We're here, Iz-, in support and love. So sorry, honey. (((Izzy)))

Izzie querida,

What happened is exactly what you were told would happen. Please don't torture yourself with unrealistic expectations. You're already in enough pain from this. Sending warm and caring thoughts across the ocean to you.

Worrying that I said the wrong thing. I hope I haven't upset you or made you angry.

You know that I care about you, kid, and want the best for you. I wish I could ease your pain.

Oh Lord. Can't imagine. ((Izzie))

No no Boida, please don't worry about anything like that, no-one must think that, it couldn't be farther from the truth. I would not be getting upset or angry with anyone here, I really do value all your opinions and I know you are thinking of me. What you said is correct - I was expecting it, I kinda knew it was going to throw me too, but I've been thrown for a little while now for various reasons and I'm not quite right, but that's nothing new.

Thank you all for listening and for taking the time to respond. You all make a difference, I know that must seem hard to understand, but you really do and have made a difference.


I'm muted now in realtime and cyberly, shut down, and I know I'm in quicksand, I don't know how to get out of it, but I know I have to shut it, everything, down for a while. I'm sure it won't last long (much to the annoyance of some no doubt - but hey ho)

The meeting with SocS is May 6th - I need to be up and running by then or I'll be no use to R at all - not that I am anyway, maybe just in my head.

I also am having to borrow a laptop as mine are broken. I will be back, I just don't know when. I have nothing remotely worthwhile to say right now and what I do say isn't going to change anything, not for me or anyone else, not at the moment.

so enough now.

Thank you.

heart-rending
it's just heart-rending

You want to do so much for R, and he can't let you.

I marvel that you are so strong with all of this.

(((Izzy))) Always thinking of you and praying for you.

Oh, Iz.

Deep breaths, but you know that..

In my thoughts Izzie. xx

I've thought and said this so many times myself Beth - her strength is amazing...

Thoughts and prayers Izzie, love.

Sweetheart, you just need some recovery time. You'll be just fine.

Rest. Then get up and do something light and fun with a friend.

We'll be right here when you get back.

(((((Izzie)))))

From one mother to another. We, traditionally, have always put ourselves last. It's what I call a personal fast. Now it's time to think of yourself, beautiful lady.

Brief, but sincere.