24
   

On the edge and toppling off....

 
 
devriesj
 
  1  
Reply Fri 9 Apr, 2010 08:20 pm
@mismi,
Reading and nodding in agreement. Self-management is good! New worker is good. Glad we can be here to be whatever you need and to lean on. Rest is good. 2 Cents Love is good. Love ya, babe.
Thanks, Joe, for your beautiful words. Couldn't say anything better if I tried, Mr. Joe(has a way with words) Nation.
(((Iz-))) (((Sboy)))
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  5  
Reply Wed 21 Apr, 2010 03:42 pm
Difficult day for R. He's toppling and is scared, highly anxious - but adamant about leaving his placement. This will happen as soon as a flat is available for him. SS will pay his rent in a residence until he turns 18 (Sept). He will then be on his own, without an education and any means to support himself other than living on the welfare system.

I have this in writing from Social Services. They have agreed to meet with me and my solicitor regarding the letter I wrote them on the advice of my solicitor... which, of course, I don't have a solicitor, because solicitors will not take on "the system".

I will take a friend with me to the meeting, whenever that will be, and try to remain unemotional. At present I can't even reply to the effing idiots who preach "every child matters" yet carry thru "every child matters as long as they are neurotypical, and forget about everything else coz when they turn 18, overnight, they become a bloody adult and are on their own and by the way we will screw up your fuckjing family too and stand by as we watch it happen whilst you scream and cry into your own pathetic little self"

Social Services are exceptionnally clever when they wish to be. Their letter to me reads

R is clearly saying he does not want to live in supported housing and has clearly stated the only option he is prepared to talk about or consider is his own accommodation. Mr P and the staff at The House have tried to point out to R the challenges of such a situation but he has remained steadfast in his views.

Therefore we have been left with no option but to explore this with R. You have confirmed in your letter that a return to his birth family is not a possibility.


LIARS.

LIARS.

LIARS.

Clever LIARS tho. It's on record. R has access at 18 to all the letters.





R will not accept help from his parents i.e. his mother and father.

My mother rang "G" this weekend to ask him to take back the bearded lizard as R will not be able to look after it. She had no right to do this. I had already spoken to G regarding this last week and he and I had agreed how we would proceed - G was going to take the lead and arrange with The House and R when to do this. My mother has so far, in 3 days, forgotten to mention to me that she phoned G and that she has seen R over the weekend and organised this now.

I had already organised it.

Who am I?

I am Mrs. C.

Tonight I've received a phone call explaining what has gone on today with R - his keyworker wished to tell me that I will be receiving a letter from my son addressed Dear Mrs. C. and stating that I am no longer his appointee for his fund and that he wishes to have the control over it. I have held finances in a trust fund in his name for him.

R has struggled all day on what to call me. Cut me dead. Feel. Cut me dead. Feel. It was decided amongst themselves that I would be Mrs. C. and the letter would be formal. I have that delight to open tomorrow.

I am very worried about what is going to happen to him when he is on his own. He will be ON HIS OWN.

I've no control over anything that is going to happen.

I've suggested, in order for R to feel he has control over his life and responsibilities, that I pay an amount into his bank account each month from the fund to keep his head above water. I don't know whether this will work with him - I will find out on Friday whether he will agree to this.



breathe



Currently, my son, Ryan, is less than 30 seconds away from me in a house a couple hundred yards along the road. I am not allowed to know this, but I am informed. If I listen in the silence, I could probably hear his voice, tho I may not recognise it. I could reach out and touch him, tho I don't know what he looks like now. I can see the house if I stand on the road. I could also push him over the edge if I attempted to do so. I am not allowed to be selfish - I have to leave him be.

It feels horrible and I feel sick. I feel so sad.


Roberta
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Apr, 2010 04:38 pm
@Izzie,
Izzie, Reading and feeling your pain. Nothing you can do. Nothing I can do. Wish there was something somebody could do to make things better.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Apr, 2010 04:55 pm
@Izzie,
I feel your wild frustration, Iz, and don't know what to say. I haven't reread the thread in months now, and am not sure I understand why R boy isn't under psychiatric care - and I'm sorry if that sounds as if I haven't been paying attention. I have, but I don't really get it.
Rockhead
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Apr, 2010 05:12 pm
@Izzie,
((Iz))
0 Replies
 
Dutchy
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Apr, 2010 05:25 pm
@Izzie,
Keep fighting Izzie, its a hard road to travel, thinking of you my friend. (((Izzie)))
mismi
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Apr, 2010 10:34 pm
@Dutchy,
Oh Iz...

((Izzie)) (((IZZIE)))
0 Replies
 
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Apr, 2010 03:58 am
@Izzie,
Just listening to you, Iz.

With a huge amount of sympathy for the circumstances you've found yourself in (again).

I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer.

I wish I could offer more than my heart-felt support for you.

It's not much I know, but I so wish this wasn't happening as it is.

Please try & take the best possible care of yourself as you cope with this.

Love to you,
Olga
devriesj
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Apr, 2010 02:14 pm
@msolga,
(((Izzie))) We all wish there was something we could do, and it hurts not to be able to do anything. We can be here. We can share in your sorrow, frustration, pain and anger.
You, R and S are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Just like Olga said, please be good to you. You are a good person and a brilliant mother. The situation and circumstances just suck! Sad
Squeezes, Iz. All the love and support I can muster and I'm sure all here are with me.
Glad you can get it out here. Breathe, one day, one minute, one second at a time.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Apr, 2010 02:17 pm
@ossobuco,
ossobuco wrote:

am not sure I understand why R boy isn't under psychiatric care


he is.

he won't engage tho - refuses to talk - they gave up when he turned 16. psychiatrist and psychologist - they still do the reports in the meetings - i have not been allowed copies despite parental responsibility and repeated requests...

i've asked

I've asked to talk with the psychologist

no - not allowed - R says so.

their letter says...

These reviews have been chaired by an Independent Reviewing Officer and copies of the plan have been given to R and to The House. R has asked that you were not invited to the meetings and that you did not receive a copy of the reports.

We agreed to his request, but in the light of this specific request from yourself to receive the reports I will ask Mr P to explain to R that the reports will have to be shared with you.


I called them on it, faking the "solicitor" talk - but it makes no difference, if R wishes to move out ... he can - he's old enough in years.

I've been asking for the reports and meeting minutes - I have been refused. R is in a 24/7 with this 'scaffold' around him - he is also over 16 and can ditate whether or not I am given any information. He'll now be going it alone.

It amazes me that this can happen - I can fight for his rights tho he doesn't know it, but no-one listens to my rights - I have none...

R made that decision

They never helped him psychologically - they say they do not think he will engage until he's 30 years old..

Meanwhile - sit back, wait and hope one day he will understand.

I have demanded that he receives some support - they say they may be able to fund his keyworker on a private basis post 18 for a few hours a week.

<sigh>






for now...

Dear MrsC
blah
Yours Faithfully


he will take control of his life, be on his own...



and... what has been achieved in the last few years...

<sigh>




makes me feel sick.






not toppling - just tired - tired of it all.
mismi
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Apr, 2010 02:29 pm
@Izzie,
Here ...listening. Wishing I could help so much. ((Izzie))
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Apr, 2010 02:58 pm
@mismi,
from letter

As you highlight in your letter R does have a considerable number of needs and there are very real concerns about how he will manage once he leaves care. It is the view of Mr P and myself that the most appropriate option for R would be for him to move into a supported housing scheme. There are a number of such units <...2 x e.g.s> both of whom would be prepared to consider R. You will also remember we have looked for similar units in the Town area, but R is clear he does not want to live there.

R is clearly saying he does not want to live in supported housing and has clearly stated the only option he is prepared to talk about or consider is his own accommodation. Mr P and the staff at The House have tried to point out to R the challenges of such a situation but he has remained steadfast in his views.

Therefore we have been left with no option but to explore this with R. You have confirmed in your letter that a return to his birth family is not a possibility.

<...>

Between Mr P and The House we are looking for a flat for R in the City area. Once one has been found the Care Leavers Service will be responsible for paying the rent until he is 18, when we will assist R to claim Housing Benefit if necessary. We will look to ensure that the rent he is charged can be covered by the benefits he will receive. We would also pay for any deposit on the flat (with the clear expectation it is returned to us when he moves on).

...

There is the issue that as a minor R can not sign a tenancy and so either his parents or ourselves have to sign this on his behalf. This may be something you could consider doing.





Lies.

I cannot attend meetings, or have reports when requested, or talk to the medical experts...

but I am asked to sign his tenancy agreement.



He looks at 2 places to live tomorrow.

<sigh>

I have to make a decision.


Be a mother. Not be a mother.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Apr, 2010 03:23 pm
I'm wrenched about this with you.
devriesj
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Apr, 2010 03:56 pm
@ossobuco,
Ditto
(((Izzie)))
0 Replies
 
mismi
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Apr, 2010 10:31 pm
@Izzie,
Oh girl...heartwrenching.
<sigh> here - thinking of you... cannot imagine how hard this is. ((Izzie))
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Apr, 2010 05:32 am
@mismi,
Oh Iz.
0 Replies
 
Letty
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Apr, 2010 06:35 am
@Izzie,
Dear, dear Izzie. I felt the same way as you. "...once again, I don't know what to do..." Part of my poem to Dave. My daughter went through hell with lawyers and politicians. They don't care about the pain and suffering as they are an entity unto themselves."...all liars; all dissemblers..."
Izzie
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Apr, 2010 09:22 am
Thank you all for listening. Thank you. I can't talk very loud at the moment - it physically is hurting...





I have been speaking to the House for hours, literally.

My frustration is building " and theirs too.

I asked to come to the House to see R with regard to the letter. He was not too agreeable, shall we say, re me and the answer was no. He has now put himself in bed and pulled the duvet over his head. He is going to stay at my friend, Pam's, tonight.

He went to look at the first flat. He’s now spinning, scared.

No-one can seem to answer how R is going to look after himself or pay for anything " ya know, the little things, like electric/gas, telephone, food and cooking for himself each day, taking care of his everyday needs… and when he turns 18, things like council tax, water rates, bills, clothing …etc. In a city, on his own.

If he were in the town, he would have people closer to him. Drip feeding the town idea.

I have asked his keyworker to try and get him across to me tonight to pick up a cheque. He doesn’t think this will happen but feels that we need to keep drip-feeding " R needs to see that I am here, that he has a family " in a few months we are all he will have " he doesn’t have to see or talk to me regularly or anything " he just needs to KNOW I am here. The barrier he has put up is very big - I understand it completely - I know why he does it - I need him to know I am not going to leave him to sink.

I am using some of the fund for driving lessons. This is his money and R wants this to happen - so this will be a start.

The reality of living on is own is making him sink, his keyworker can see it and is helpless to act either " R just wants “out” " he sees that he will be free, but he is so anxious right now, volatile to say the least. He has no life vest. His keyworker can see the change in him already

tip tip tip…




I rang my divorce lawyer " he and I get on very well " I asked and he has agreed to attend the meeting with Social Services with me. He will be the “officious” one who can bullet point them my concerns rather than me being treated like the neurotic mother who they can ignore or ride roughshod over. He’s doing this as a personal favour, which is very kind of him, he’s a good chap - he will be my wing-man. He does not know child law " but I don’t need a child lawyer any longer, the law makes no difference against this system; what I need is Social Services to commit on paper what support they will provide to R post 18 and then to make sure that R has that support when needed - I need a legal bodyguard with a strong voice who won’t let them make me feel so bad when they are so very clever with their words. He could not quite believe the audacity of the tenancy agreement scenario or the fact I have not been allowed to have the minutes of meetings or medical/psych reports. This is outside the law - not that it matters.... it's just obscenely wrong.

I have phoned Social Services to arrange the meeting, I am waiting to hear back from them.

I am fighting today. I won't let them set him up to fail. I won't. He deserves better than this. He deserves to 'live'. I may not be his Mom but I have to advocate for him, it's the only thing I can do - and not even well at that - but I will try.



0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Apr, 2010 09:23 am
@Letty,
((((((Letty))))))) - so sorry...
alex240101
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Apr, 2010 09:52 am
@Izzie,
Taking a few minutes.
Thinking of you all.
0 Replies
 
 

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