On the edge and toppling off....

Yes.

I'm really sorry you're hurting Izzie.

Phone calls - so many

Social worker asked to be reallocated... R asked for new social worker. Today, and DONE.

Mr P is out.

Good.

Sanctimonious prick.

He will be at meeting on 6th to hand over to new social worker. Told me he was heavy hearted that he could not engage with R, <gag>, admits he was PARTLY to blame and in R's best interest he needed to hand over to someone else who R may not despise quite so much. Interesting timing. He thought he ought to tell me personally. Hung up phone after listening to his drivel. Wanted to be sick after yayyying with the care staff who have the same feelings as I do about him.

No flats available in the Town - no landlord will rent to a 17 year old. Supported living available which R will not do. I don't blame him - Misfitsville.

R looked at a flat in the city at lunchtime - he wants it, he wants out of care - he is petrified but happy and has gone off to celebrate whilst everyone else now has to make this happen. The flat is brand new, unfurnished but whilst R was there the landlord said there was a sofa next door and a bed and did R want them - R said "yes please, would you like me to help you move them" so they then went and moved them into the flat. Nothing has been signed yet. It could fall thru.

I don't want him in the city on his own - but he wants out of care badly. I have to support him in this, the carers won't be too far away, even if they are no longer his carers. Everyone... except social workers... who has ever met R becomes attached to him. He is very lovable. I wish you all knew him without the bits I have spoken of.

That is why I can't talk to people in real life - if I talk of him, it is easy to get angry with him. I keep trying to explain, silently to real life, he wasn't like other kids, he looked like all the other kids, but no-one saw what we did - if he were just a naughty boy, then you can get angry or annoyed at him - if he were just a naughty boy, I wouldn't have placed him in care. He wasn't naughty - i wrestle every day with why he was placed, i couldn't love him any more than i do - i would have done anything to keep our family together - he wasn't "bad" - he's not "bad", he never was and still isn't.

Extreme - yep. Very.

Bad - no.

Black and white - yes.

The system is painfully slow and MrP has just told the care staff thisavo that R is no longer his client and the new social worker will have to sort it out. Sanctimonious prick. The carer who has just spoken to MrP says he hopes he never meets MrP outside of work because he would not be able to contain himself, quite possibly he is one of the worst social workers ever encountered. He is in the wong profession.

The 'system' has to sign the tenancy agreement with R - 6 months - by which time R will be 18 and will have been dropped and financially responsible for himself. How? Who knows. Social Services have not done what they are supposed to, the system will drag and his new social worker has never even heard of R - Thursday's meeting will be as interesting as the election is going to - a bunch of muppets deciding the future of our country and how my son's future will be determined. My lawyer will be with me. He will be officious. He will also hold my hand.

Talking to carers for a number of hours each day - me that is - holding onto my will to try and be the only mother i can be to R. They told him yesterday that no matter what R thinks of me, his Mom is fighting tooth and nail for him. R became very quiet. They said that this, and the other day, when R was upset after "not seeing me" is a breakthrough - he may realise I have not given up on him. I think the care manager shed some tears after the other day. He said it was one of the most painful things he had witnessed. Hard to explain.

R no longer wants me 'not' to be appointee for his fund - I have told the carers I will need R to write that down and sign it or else I could get into a lot of trouble because of the letter he wrote me. He admitted to carer he does not know where to start or what to do after he has left. He requested some money yesterday, thru the carers, I could hear his voice as we had a threeway conversation - I don't have a choice - but could not go thru the same scenario so took a few hundred pounds to my parents for him to pick up there, it is, after all, his money. This will be used for... his friends birthday this weekend and celebrating the new flat-to-be.

He will never have seen so much money - a bit like your first "pay check" - it will be blown.

No comment. He's a teenager, not a worldly wise teenager, just a teenager with some difficulties.



Wrote a note to R, reminded him it was S-boys birthday. Wrote him i loved him.

Left the house.

Cannot even look at my parents.

Cannot answer the phone.

Cannot .......

Everything is changing, by the hour. I can't keep up. I can't slow down.

Need to sleep. Sleep. Keep thinking my heart will fall out of my chest it goes so fast. I can hear it in my head. It's so noisy.

3 days of a long weekend - S-boy is with his father this weekend. He just ran in and hugged me from school. Gone now.

Holding onto hope.

You are doing a remarkable job with a very difficult (almost impossible) situation.

I hope you are okay, Izzie.

I don't know how you do it, Iz. Hanging on and in and being who you are and have to be.

Wishing you all the strength & energy you need right now, Iz. Such a lot on your plate!

And good morning from me to you, too!

You will come out of this even stronger Izzie, in my thoughts as always.

Have been so lost in the land of college and homework, I missed all that has been going on lately with you Izz. Not much I can add that hasn't already been said. You ARE strong! I don't know how you do it, but I admire you and love you dearly.

Holding your hand along with all of your other wonderful A2K friends. Hang in there. The light always breaks forth from the darkness. It will. In the meantime focus on the fact that you have been and are a wonderful Mommy. It is true.

LOVE xox HOPE xox STRENGTH xox

My friend Pam turned up unexpectedly - I wasn't opening the front door today but I saw her there and decided it was time I started to speak out loud - she does that - just turns up coz she knows I won't answer the phone - we had a really long talk sitting in the garden and drinking tea. R-boy has been pretty much living at her house ...today we decided that she would talk with R about his upcoming move and what this means. She has recently been telling her son about what I have been trying to do for R over the last few years (her family were living with us at Links Tor for a few months in years gone by so there is an understanding on many levels) and the kids are best friends - I've not asked her to talk with R before, but the time is right now because his whole world is about to change.


Pam used to come to the meetings with me with Social Services, she was around me when 'it all happened' and for the weeks and months after when I closed everyone down - she knows R better than anyone else now - so we're thinking she may be able to get thru to him about what to do if/when he needs some help. I asked her, for the first time, to be a mother to him because he's going to need one - all in a good way - if R needs to ask someone for help, she can be there and then let me know what needs to be done and I can sort it out. At least he will know then that someone is looking out for him should he become unstuck. It's the only way I can think to do this because it's all happening now. I've got to find a way for him and for me - to know he will have someone ask him about things and then she can let me know if he is struggling.

She only lives in the town, a few minutes away - but I can't remember the last time I went there - i don't go to her house because that would remove his safety net, so she always comes to me - she understands me on that, she never talks to him about me, she has just always been his best mates Mom, but now she will step in on my behalf for a little while and maybe when R is more settled things maybe a little easier.

R told her yesterday that he is moving in 3 days... so I'm expecting a blip next week as this is obviously not happening that quickly - in R's head now it's decided and it therefore is going to happen, straight away. Black and white - <talk to landlord, move furniture in from next door, a sofa, a bed, and it's moving-in day>. Of course, it won't and isn't happening that way - but, ya know, will deal with that on Tuesday when he'll realise he hasn't moved in. Besides, there is nothing else in the flat!!!!

I have a lot of things here that R would not need to get - ya know, linen and knives and forks, lamps, table, and just stuff... he doesn't own a thing in the world except his clothes - he needs to furnish a whole flat - gosh, just everything. If R is willing to accept some things then Pam can come across and pick them up and we can try and make things as comfortable for him as possible without him having to actually face me, which he's not ready to do. I understand that. I think he would break too if he faces me - right now, we just all neet to focus on what the best way forward is being that R is going to move and his whole life will completely change. He doesn't understand how difficult it is going to be.

At the meeting on Thursday I will try and get his NEW social worker to look at R for who he is now and maybe, perhaps if she can then meet R and this all goes ahead on a positive footing, perhaps, just perhaps he may engage a little with Social Services and he will then get the support he is going to need. If he sees her as being someone who has helped him to move out of care, he may be more willing to ask for assistance. Somehow we have to get him into some kind of education or apprenticeship or something, he has to be able to work or something, in some capacity - he will have rent and bills to pay. In 4 months Social Services drop him financially. He will be 18 and an adult.

I still have no idea how he is going to manage, no-one does, it's very scary to even think he is going to be on his own in the city - but it is going to happen so we just need to go great guns on the positivity and hope that nothing goes peak tong.

hmmmmmmmmmm... just thinking out loud I guess - I've started making a list of things to say to Social Services, of what he's going to need and how they are going to make that happen - he is still legally a child, a vulnerable child admitted in their words and actions - they cannot just let all this responsibility fall on his shoulders - he has not received an education since he was 11 - moving out of "home" for any kid is a hard thing to do, even with parents helping out in the background, reassurance from folk and with something to fall back on or friends around....

R doesn't have that, not in his head, he doesn't and won't have anything to fall back on - this is going to be so hard for him.

of course, he does have me - but that won't happen any time soon - so somehow this has to work as best it can until he is ready to have us in his life - by which stage, he may be fully on his feet and sorted. That may be years from now. So, one day at a time.

and thank you all for listening... and being here for me always...

thank you...

((Izzie))

Ohhh we must have cross-posted. Always remember what you just said at the end of your post - "One day at a time." That's it my dear friend. One day at a time!

((((Izzie))))

xo

(((Izzy)))

Izzie, Listening and being here for you always. You got that right. I wish I could do more.

Lists...

and endless questions



I've made a big long list of things I think he will need - ya know, things like something to eat off, something to drink out of... got a big catalogue and just went thru the whole thing - bed linen, pillows, saucepans, tin opener... of course, it's easy for me to know the things he'll need, but he hasn't thought of any of those things and that will all be part of his learning experience; TV licence, water rates, gas bills, telephone/internet... blah... anyhoo - his carer phoned me this morning for around 2 hours - R is burying his head, quiet - writing lyrics (he's very good at that, writing lyrics) - fearful but... just wants to move quickly.

R wrote to SocS with a list of questions which the carers helped him with (ya know, took out all the swear words and aggression - to his credit - he did an incredible job, mature questions, precise in what he wished them to answer - he asked for a reply in writing (thasssmaboy) which they gave him - but SocS were there usual wishywashy selves - no commitment to the support they are going to provide i.e. how many hours per week he will have his keyworker come in etc.

R asked how he was going to be able to look for work or go to job interviews (ie admitting his difficulties) and specifically asked who would be there to help him with budgeting etc (his keyworker aided him in this) - it was a good letter (his keyworker has been listening - huge credit to him) - drip drip drip feeding R the things he needs to be thinking about...

ha - the end of his letter asked for a change in social worker due to "a breakdown in communication with his current social worker" etc and that he found his social worker to be extremely "arrogant"... gosh, didn't know he knew that word - good for R. He also said he believed a new social worker would be a positive thing and he would make every effort to get along with someone new and he knew that he would need help from SocS in the future

and I didn't know that he had written that when I posted yesterday!


so... it's ticking over with R and tho we aren't having any contact I am in touch with the carers for hours every day - which is a good thing because at least we all then know that we are working towards the best outcome for R.

I still don't know what will happen next week but for once I feel as tho the keyworker, other carer and manager are completely onside and they do care about what happens with R and I'm not battling on my own. Now, it's getting SocS to do their job (pfffffffffst) and to quit piddling around.

R does not know about the meeting I've called. I've explained to his keyworker that this is a meeting between SocS and I but have invited the keyworker and manager along to, mainly as witnesses, to what SocS say and commit to so they can then reassure R when he has questions. Keyworker is worried how R might react to having this meeting without him and feels as tho he ought to tell R about it... however, I think I made it clear that if R comes to the meeting and says the things to me that he always has, then I will fall apart, especially after Tuesday. I also do not think he should be in the same room as MrP who is no doubt going to say some not too endearing things about R. In every meeting I went to R used to say that we wouldn't be having a meeting if I hadn't put him in care and such like (not quite as nicely as that) - so, I can't go through that with him and not be strong there. The meeting is for me to get a Plan B together should Plan A not work out and for SocS to commit to the support that R will get post 18. I may have a few choice words to MrP... or my lawyer may just kick me at that stage. We'll see.


I still cannot imagine how he is going to cope alone... but R being R - he will do it and make it work somehow, I just wish I could make it easier for him...

Sounds like he is taking it seriously - he's asking the right questions. I'm encouraged.

Of course you wish you could make it easier - your his mom - you love him.

I have to say Izzie - I am pleased to hear this. He will make the best of it and learn the hard way just like we all do. But he sounds like he has his head wrapped around it...
You are strong -
((Izzie))

Who will be chairing the upcoming meeting? is there someone on tap who does not have anything vested in the outcome of the meeting?

I was recently involved in something a bit similar. My primary role was to continue to remind people that we were not there to discuss ANYTHING that had happened in the past. Anyone who spoke about the past was called to task as being off-topic. We were meeting only to discuss the future plan. It was a tough slog for all of us but it worked out well in the end. What needed to end was ended. What needed to happen was arranged. The agenda was maintained (at some cost to my voice and sanity I think).

To my knowledge there will not a be a chair for the meeting.

The meeting has been called because I have questioned the legality of them refusing me access to the minutes of meetings held in the past when R is placed on a Section 20 with me having parental responsibility for him. I have no knowledge of medical reports etc or what they have done to improve his understanding of the world around him or his reactions despite my repeated requests for information. I know the answer to this already " he has not been assessed for 2 years. They had a duty to assess his needs. They had a duty to inform me when I requested the information.

Specifically I have asked the following:
<taken from my letter to them at the beginning of April>

<<


I would request as R's mother with full parental responsibility, a copy of the assessment of R’s needs etc and confirmation and detailed documentation of the how this process has been explained to R and confirmation that R has indeed understood what his rights are. I would request a copy of any pathway plan for him.

If you are not legally obliged to give me this information, I will be seeking further advice from and instructions to my solicitor on how to proceed to ensure you have met your legal responsibilities to my son.

The authority shall keep the pathway plan under regular review.
(8) The responsible local authority shall safeguard and promote the child’s welfare and, unless they are satisfied that his welfare does not require it, support him by"
(a) maintaining him;
(b) providing him with or maintaining him in suitable accommodation; and
(c) providing support of such other descriptions as may be prescribed.

Parental responsibility is defined in Section 3(1) of the Children Act as
'all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which, by law, a parent has in relation to a child and his property'.

It is the people with parental responsibility who have the legal authority with respect to their child; they are the decision makers who must be consulted.

It is important to realise that for children in public care their parents retain parental responsibility; either:
• sharing it with the local authority, in the case of those on Care Orders (see below); or
• entirely, in the case of those 'accommodated' under Section 20 (see below).
I asked Social Services for copies of the meetings etc and was informed I was not entitled to them.

Finally, and most importantly, I would like your confirmation that you accept full responsibility for the “plan” that Social Services propose in arranging for R to leave care.


I would like details and confirmation of how you propose to maintain him in a suitable accommodation and what support will be provided.

I would also like to request that R’s personal adviser is someone with whom R is able to establish a relationship, which due to his difficulties has never been possible with social services, and has only been possible through his trusted keyworkers in the setting he has been in.

I would like to be informed if R, up to this point, has had any interaction with NCAS if this is appropriate and what they provide and explain to the children leaving care.

Upon leaving care, please detail what support will R have for any work interviews or job prospects or going back-to-school, also the every day shopping, paying bills, cooking etc.

If I am unable to get a satisfactory reply my solicitor will contact my MP.

…………………………………………………>>








I have asked when he last saw his psych or psychologist and what happens now that he has moving out of the “care” system in regard to any future support he may require.

I am also disputing the information that they have put on record stating that I have confirmed that a return to his birth family is not possible. It may be a moot point " however, they have put it ‘on record’ - and R will have access to those records. I want them to state that I have not nor ever confirmed that he cannot return to his birth family. He is on a Section 20 placement.

This is why I am meeting them. The past is the past " but they cannot write the things the do, deny me information on my son and then drop him without taking responsibility for the plan that they propose. At 18, this is what they will do if I do not get the support package detailed and agreed post 18.

They have written to me stating they have a specific package in place and have informed the House. This is simply not true. There is no specific package in place " we HAVE to get this done before R moves out " once he’s out of The House " everything changes. Even in the response to R’s letter they have not told him what support they will be providing, or for post 18, they simply say they will provide him with support. This could mean one hour a week… whatever. It needs to be detailed, recorded and documented. R needs to know “who” he can call for help.

There is also a medication issue which needs to be addressed " at the moment he takes it in the evening " R is “unable” to talk with a doctor… how is the medication going to be sorted. At the moment he has to sign for it each night " but there will be no carer at night. Previously, when R was responsible for his own medication he took too many because he had missed a couple of days. He did not realise he should not do that. They then took over the administration. At the moment, when he stays in the town, the carer goes over each night to give him the meds. This, I feel, ought to continue until he is stable - as stable as is possible. The House is not far from his new flat.

I also asked for confirmation on how they are going to do to ensure he remains safe as a child leaving care with known difficulties.

The Head of Social Services will be present/leading the meeting along with their legal adviser, department head and a DCC representative plus the new and old social worker. I have asked for his keyworker to attend and the House Manager also asked to be present as they have questions too. My lawyer will be with me... purely because I said I had one... he is one. He has been my lawyer for 3 years - he is aware of what has been going on.

Obviously, since then, R has found a place to live… in the past month Social Services have done NOTHING to assist in this.

The future plan now also needs to be discussed but also Plan B which no-one has discussed yet and there isn't a Plan B. What happens if R is not able to cope? I hope this will not happen of course, but if he has difficulties, how will he access support? That's what I need his keyworker to hear and what I need to know. His keyworker is so important in this - he will be R's first point of contact - he needs to hear directly from Social Services just what he will be employed privately by them to do so that he can give that information to R, again drip drip feed - R would not take it onboard if he were told it by Social Services in person - his keyworker is the person he has placed trust in.


Does all that make sense?

Please do point anything out to me where you think I may be incorrect or .... you know... any thoughts y'all have - I'm flying in the dark here... open to any suggestions ...



thanku Mis...Beth, thanku y'all

<big loud buzzer sound>

Do not let Social Services lead the meeting. Do not let Social Services lead the meeting.

Prepare an agenda, Items 1 - X, of what you need to have addressed in the meeting. Make copies of the agenda.

If there is no chairperson assigned, take over the role yourself. This is your meeting - called at your request - you need to establish and maintain control. I'm sure your lawyer will help you with that portion. Lawyers do that, even when they don't mean to.

Start the meeting yourself. Thank them for attending. Bring their attention to the agenda that you need covered during the meeting. Do not let them move on to Item 2 or 3 if Item 1 has not been addressed.

Addressed doesn't mean answered. If they don't know the answer/aren't prepared to answer - make a note of that with details of when they have committed to respond - indicate that you will be preparing a signback summary after the meeting. Details of what was answered/what answers were promised for the future - with commitment dates for responses should be in that signback. If they refuse to answer/say they are unable to - indicate that in the signback letter.

Make it clear from moment 1 that this is a business meeting, not a mother needs attention meeting. It'll put good fear into them.

In terms of your agenda, fine-tune the items so there is no wiggle room.

I'd also suggest taping the entire meeting.