On the edge and toppling off....

i seem unable to find that balance.

i do enjoy life. i do. i have a brilliant life.

i just have a huge sadness i can't put in safe place at times.

If i allow it to enter my head, it engulfs everything.

i can switch in on an off when i'm with company. i can stop myself physically. it takes a lot of effort, but i can stop it by looking away, avoid eye contact, tighten my fists, clench my jaw, focus on looking at something. if i am about to cry or spill over, i can turn it off, my whole demeanour changes - i do it when i need to do it - it's as if he then doesn't exist, he's put in place where i will deal with it later.

Like i am doing now. i write a sentence, it bubbles up, i walk away, get control, write another sentence.

When i am on my own, that's my later, if i allow myself to think, it stops me breathing. How can i not think about him when he is all around me and i know he is just half an hour away... or 5minutes? How do I find a way to think of him and not be fearful?

i can and do live a good life, a happy life, i have a world of joy out there - it won't bring me my son, neither will sitting here waiting for him to come home - i'm not waiting for him to come home - i know that won't happen and that's OK - he is a BigBoy now...

If i knew he were happy, it would be alright. i could let him be then to get on with his life, whatever life he chooses it to be. He's not happy, he believes he's not loved or lovable, it's a deep wound that will affect his whole life. It's not a normal teenage angst - he has all the teenage stuff to deal with along with that, but he has been this way for many years - i promised i would never leave him just 3 days before he went into care - now i can hear him, i can hear him screaming and crying, i can see his blood and i can see the images and i can see the looks on everyones faces that it was the only choice to make

not to him, to him i should not have left him alone

you can only imagine that night... and i wouldn't wish anyone to imagine that night

so... what to do, to think about it and talk and cry and find a way to put those images and sounds away

or don't think about and carry on with life as if it never happened because torturing myself about it does no-one any good and is tipping me over an edge i thought i had the edge on

torturing myself is remembering the good times in the past, the happy times, the fun and laughter and the memories - i remember all of those, i remember the aftermath of each one too, the bits that no-one else saw or dealt with, what he did after the most joyous days, like birthdays and parties and New Year and holidays



i walked in the house the other night, it was dark and late, and as i turned the key i imagined, unconciously imagined, opening the door and finding him there, as they did at school. I could picture it and what they did. It sent shivers thru me - those images are still there in my head even in my new house, they pop up at the times i don't expect them - it doesn't happen very often - but it scares me

all of this scares me - writing this scares me, wondering what my relationships with people will be like when you know what really goes on in my head, the things i can't talk about

and meanwhile, i can live a good life and S-boy will too, and we do, and everyone around me will have their ups and downs as i do, and traumas and joys and life will move on and in twenty years all this will be another page on the net - but i can't imagine that i will ever not see the images or hear the sounds i do or feel his blackness at times like these.

He's about to go into the world on his own. The fear i have for a child i don't have is a balance i can't do. i can make myself not think about him, tell them to stop sending me the weekly reports, never phone again - once he is out of care, i will have no way to contact him... or i can think and worry and imagine how alone and desperate he feels and, because he is the way he is, he will not be able to ask for help

whichever it is that i do - will not make any difference to what will happen in his life

whichever way i try to find a balance will either mean freeing myself from my thoughts and enjoying the life i have in front of me or living with these thoughts and still enjoying the life if have in front of me

because i will - have a life

because if i don't then i have no life.









i know everything that is spoken here to me is sincere - i thank you for that and i hear you

Everything i say is how i am feeling - i don't wish anyone to worry - i will never be that selfish.

Those who have met me know there is more to me than just the thoughts above - but this is part of me - i may lose people because of what i have said now - but i'd understand that and that's ok.



Now, i need to take S-boy out and will not be back 'til late. I will check in later.

Hello Izzie,

Having not read all the pages of this thread, but having got the gist nonetheless, let me ask you a to-the-point question:

What would you like to change, that you feel likely could be changed, and how would you best go about it?

It's the engulfing part that needs some help.



Or find a way to think about it and talk and cry and know that talking and crying is good for you - is actually a release for you - without it engulfing you. There is no need to torture yourself. You're right. It does no one any good and brinks you to the brink of toppling off. And yet, denying yourself the luxury of feeling your pain without guilt isn't doing you any good either.

me/him

the way i feel his pain/the pain he is in

i can't change his pain or his life - i can only try to change how i feel for me and the people around me -

the intense feeling of loss, the selfish feeling of wanting to see him, the intense anger at a system that failed my family, the intense anger that i entrusted my son's life to a system because i was too scared he or one of us would end up dead, the anger at those around me who i believe gave up on him or who took the easy option and walked out of his life, the feeling of failure that i could not keep my family together, for not fighting harder, for not shouting louder, for failing him

i would try, and am trying, to change the distrust i have for anyone who says they could love me, because most of those who love me make me feel as tho they did or will betray me - my perception

as i betrayed him

i feel as tho i deserve that - i wish i didn't feel that i deserved to be treated the way i betrayed him, but he trusted me and i did abandon him, even if everyone thinks it was the right thing to do, i still betrayed him into a system that couldn't help him, that coudln't fix him, that gave up on him and allowed him to fill his heart with hatred towards us

those people all agreed with the decision taken, they don't see or feel what goes on in my head because they choose not to, they don't live with what i see and hear, they don't care

actually, that wasn't the question, i'm not sure how to change any other than my feelings, that i don't know how, i can't change the way anyone else deals with this, i have no control over that.

how can i achieve the changes to me -

be happy my eldest son is alive
always ensure he knows i am here - wherever that may be
always let S-boy know how much he and his brother are loved
try to trust those around me in my life now and the future, not then
allow the positive strong people who influence my life help me when i need it
forgive myself for trusting everyone who ever told ryan they loved him and would not leave him, and then did
forgive those who said they would help him and didn't
forgive those who left him because they weren't strong enough to deal with him
believe there is hope that one day i will see him again
believe there is hope that one day he will forgive me
stop allowing myself to be judged by others, especially those who say they love me
never allow my father to tell me i deserved the exes beating again
never allow my mother to tell me i'm mad because i love the way i do and if i try to stop, i lose the only good part of me which isn't as yet broken - loving the people i do, however wrong it may seem to those in real life, it's the only part of me that i can do without thinking about it or questioning it

i guess i hurt me so others can't now... i need to change that and not allow anyone to hurt me or for me to hurt myself or punish myself

i started to change two years ago - someone entrusted me, no-one me, nothing me, they trusted me, i have that strength each day to go on - i need to work a little harder on me trusting my judgements now.

This too will pass.






tired... need bed

thank you.

"believe there is hope that one day i will see him again
believe there is hope that one day he will forgive me"


this is a wonderful starting place.

every day he grows up a little more. and he has opportunities yet to find some truth.

the truth is that you love him. and always have.

it will come out in the end.

be good to you Izz.

hugs...

That's what I've always quietly thought, too, Rocky.

And I've seen it happen, any number of times.

Thing is, people can & often do see things quite different from a more mature perspective.

And I think, deep down, R does know that his mother loves him.




Sending you morning greetings, Iz.
Hang in there.

I'll quote this too. It's the waiting that will be hard Izzie. Beating yourself up over decisions made in the past -- which felt right at the time -- is very hard on you, you know. We're our own worst enemies -- learn to forgive yourself and be good to yourself. ((Izzie))

That is truly what I wish for you.

Believe in yourself.

It's often hard to see and accept the things we do right. It is easier to spot the things we do wrong - many of us are our own worst enemies.

Believe in yourself.

You're pretty dang dandy.

love

There was always a reason not to pack a suitcase " often we could not go or if we did, it would mean packing at the last minute so nothing would get destroyed in case we needed it.

So, today a call came thru " there has been an “incident”. A fire extinguisher and broken doors amongst other things. Police were called, Rboy was arrested and an ambulance called to mop up the blood, of which there is a fair amount. He has refused to go to hospital " the carers will monitor.

The carers were given a choice. Arrest and court or arrest and make remuneration - which means R apologises. He will not be locked up tonight " the carers will not press charges and put him in a court " his arrest is one called an RJ. They explained it to me... i don’t think i heard it clearly tho

i didn’t know S-boy could hear me on the phone, i went into the conservatory but he listened. He found out today that his brother tried to hang himself. He asked me why he hadn’t been told before - he's been very upset.

i’ve explained to S what has happened today and that all is OK now. i’ve tried to explain that we can’t do anything " we can’t stop this happening. i’ve tried to reassure him.

Just another cut, another incident. R carries on now. We carry on now.

Is that reassuring? How can i do that? Reassure him about what? About the next call or that his brother will be OK.

They all know Rboy is scared, they know he can’t engage, they know he can’t say what he wants to and his extreme side is the side that will hurt himself " physically and mentally.

Meanwhile. Life is peachy for us and we have to continue getting on with enjoying ourselves. Packing to celebrate my best friends daughters 18th birthday. She’s my little girl too, i’ve watched her grow up " i love her as my baby girl.

Go. Be happy. Have fun.

Is that comprehensible? Is that even a word?

Don’t think of what R-boy will or can do. Must.not.think.of.him. Must.think.of.everyone.else.

Of course we will " go and enjoy and we will - we will, i know we will.

Can you see a balance there? i can’t.

Don’t self-punish? It’s not self-punishing... not this " this is just reality

And each day is the same

i feel like a mannequin " plastic " dress me up and put some clothes on, change the appearance " and ... balance... knowing you can tip over any minute

and not feel a thing, because you are plastic

i just spoke to FQhubby. i said it’s kinda like being on a front line " you’ve got a gun in your hand and your buddy next to you has been shot and is lying there bleeding " but all you can do is look forward and keep shooting so that you stay alive, you have to protect those who aren’t already hurt

Maybe, maybe not

Does that make sense? Does anyone get me, get what i’m saying?

My son has cried out for help over the years " he’s still crying out and all i do is keep on looking forward because i cannot help him or change anything

i can continue to fight for him, but he doesn’t know that " all he knows and believes is no-one loves him

but i have to look forward, hope, be optimistic

Thats alright, is it? It’s OK to do that?

It doesn’t feel it.

It doesn’t feel good at times to keep on keeping on

i’m tired

i’m very angry.

But i’m completely numb - because the dinner is on, the little fella is watching Scrubs and we will pack the car up in the morning and go on our jolly way as if nothing has happened and whatever has happened will not stop us from continuing our lives

and if i think for one second about the pain my eldest son is in, i will not be able to live with myself

i have tears that can’t fall because my little boy is here and i touch-type not even looking at the keyboard, pretending i am watching the funny programme with him and inside i am screaming and screaming and screaming

no really, i am, it’s the silent scream that just wants to punch my chest out

Of course, i have no control over what R-boy will do next and i should be used to this by now

it's almost a relief in some ways - i feel it building, i felt it over the weekend - so now he's done this bit... he's still alive... so... 'til next time... it's a kinda 'phew'

And if something happens over the weekend will i rush home and be there for him?

No " because i’m not supposed to do that. i’m supposed to look forward and keep everything in balance for me and my other child and everything else that goes on in our lives

Because i cannot change a thing.

What should it take for me to rush to my eldest child? Being locked up? Being in hospital? And if i did... he would not allow me there anyway.

Choices.

i make them.

i find them very hard to live with especially when i do know how good my life is.

i know i can’t do anything to change this or what will happen next " i know that



i don’t know if anybody will ever understand me, i don’t understand myself or how i do what i do... i almost feel inhuman

i am exceptionally angry with a nothing look on my face

I’m plastic - quiet angry plastic

Off to pack a suitcase.

Dear Lord Yes! It makes perfect sense. Yes - Yes - Yes - you DO have to protect yourself and S. That does not mean you are forgetting R. You have given assurance and offered protection and love to R - held it out with your heart exposed - you can do no more.

It does not mean your heart will not feel like it is shredded. It does not mean you don't long for a reconciliation in that relationship. But you do need to keep moving. I feel sure that R will understand one day and move along too...but regardless - you must move forward for S's and your own sakes.

R can make his own decisions. He KNOWS you love him. He KNOWS you want him. I know he is struggling. I do feel like he has fallen through the cracks - but that is not your fault, hun. It is total bull that it can happen like that.

But - you have done all you can for now. Pack the bags. Go this weekend.
((Izzie)) ((S)) ((R))
I can't imagine being here. So my prattling above may not be right...but more than anything I just want you to know - that my heart goes out to you and S. I AM and will CONTINUE to pray for a happy ending.

Love you

Damn...

life is so unfair sometimes. brutally.

it sounds so simple when you are young. and free. and without responsibilities.

however. as we go along, the reality becomes unforgivingly simple...

life is built on a series of irreversible decisions. made on faith.
you have to do the best you can to make the "proper" decision.

the truth is, most of the time in really desperate times, none of the available choices is what we would "choose".

yet a choice must be made. even choosing not to decide is a choice.

life moves at a steady pace. you cannot call time-out or ask for a d0-over.

You and your mate made a choice. (the same choice most of us would make) based on faith and lack of viable options.

A choice to try and help R.

it turned out lousy.

it's still lousy.

it was still a choice made from love and a desire to help him stop hurting.

The terrible truth is that he may never stop hurting.

and yet he may also learn to cope. many folks do.

You have been given a path to walk that most of us would not be able to bear.

You have done it with grace and dignity, and you are raising an amazing young man in spite of overwhelmingly terrible circumstances.

You are so deep in the dark forest of despair, that you cannot see the wonderful gnarled tree that you have become. stronger from each storm. more generous with each trial that life gives you.

You inspire me, and many others, to bear our daily grind more freely knowing that our lot in life could be SO much worse.

chin up muffin.

and go enjoy yourself so you can be strong again when you need to be for R boy.

You are an awesome Mom.

((iz))

Izzie, I've been here and left several times. Why? I don't know what to say. Certainly nothing I say can make a difference. But I know how I feel and I can only imagine how you feel.

You, kiddo, are strongly entrenched in my heart. Small solace, but it's all I've got.

thank you... you do all make a difference in my life. thank you. x

I feel the same way Roberta does! But I am here. Hope you're having a better day today, Iz-. Love ya, muchly! Always thinking about and praying for you, babe.

Me too. Never know what to say. Wish I did.

Another call this morning

two...

warning calls for tonight when he will be challenged by authority.

it's been discussed at length, how to keep him safe - they have been preparing all day on how to do this - Rboy does not hear reason - he will only hear betrayal of trust. Police are already in the picture. Waiting for the next call which will come later tonight. Waiting for a big one, who knows, history repeating itself. Maybe.


Trying not to think whilst I'm here. I want my gut feeling to be wrong this time more than any other, but my gut/heart has been speaking/feeling all week. I have no control over what will happen. I cannot change what may happen.



I have nowhere else to put this so all I can do is put it here. I can't talk about this where I am right now.

Signing off again.

Wishing safety for all.

damn...

strength hugs, hun.

((Iz))

Izzie, all I can say is that I have been with you every step of the way.

I have been where you have been,
I have walked where you have walked
I have felt relenless indecision
Felt hynotic mesmerism