On the edge and toppling off....

Oh Izzie. How can you let him go? How can you let him be? He is your baby...and has had such a hard hand dealt to him. You love him. Of course it would be great if we could turn off our hurt and anxiety over our children and the decisions they make. But that is not possible. It will be there...we might push it to the back for a bit...but it will always come forward some time or other.

I haven't the wisdom or the right words to advise you. I am pretty sure I would be doing exactly what you are doing - hurting, being scared for the future and feeling utterly dejected. It is not possible to be strong all the time. You know I have said it a gazillion times...you are a strong woman. You amaze me.

And though these words offer absolutely no help - I pray they let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and R and S. I am praying that R has a change of heart...and maybe that will come when he is out on his own. All I can do is hope for the best for you both.

I love you - think the world of you.
hugs,
mis

I can't bear it any longer, Mis. I can't bear not to see what he looks like or how big he is now... I can't bear that S-boy and I do not exist.

Aw, Iz. I'm so sorry.

This is terribly hurtful for you. Or should I say, yet MORE terribly hurtful stuff.



No, I'm not going to tell you how you should be responding. Not at all.

Your response is perfectly understandable.

This is hard & it's cruel.

The only thing I want to say is, if it's possible, don't be alone today for too long while you're so (perfectly understandably) distressed. If you can, spend some time in the company of your closest friend.

Aw, you poor thing, you don't deserve this, Iz. I wish I could help.





Yes, she would. And it would have made you smile, too.

I'm trying to figure out what she would have said.

I can't do that MzOlga... here.. people have heard and seen it. They have their own lives and families and this can't come into it - it's a trust thing too... my parents ... can't go there... or my other family, and friends - they have families and lives...they don't ask about Ryan, people don't ask any longer - it's easier not to ask.

a cyber world can't see me - it's easier to respond , no-one has to, its a choice... in real life people have to respond

but it's taken me 3 days to write...

i got myself scared earlier... really really scared... the samaritans were available... i couldn't string the words together ...

I wish I could give you a good, strong hug, Iz.

Because there's nothing at all wrong or surprising about what you're feeling. And you can't change anything at all about R's actions & thinking. Not at this point in time, anyway. (I won't speculate about later on in his life.)

It's comfort you need right now, to cope with the huge amount of pain & grief you are experiencing. If you are absolutely certain that you can't talk to a single person you know, then please try to give the Samaritans another go. They are trained to cope with people in extreme distress, I'd be almost certain. They would be very patient, too. If you cry for a time & can't speak it doesn't matter at all. They will not be judging you.

Is walking out of the question? (Though you might feel exhausted. That wouldn't surprise me at all.) If you can manage it, a good, brisk walk might help clear away some of the tenseness you're experiencing. (That's my tried & true remedy when feeling really stressed. But it may not be yours.)

If all else fails, Iz. Then just keep talking online. We are listening. But do consider the Samaritans, OK?

Hang in there, Iz. The worst of this will pass, I promise you.


(And please feel free to call me Olga, Iz. That's my real name. )

Dear sweet, Iz -

I'm sitting here cryin' with and for you. My heart hurts for you as I think of you, love. I'm sending a hug I wish I could really give you, to comfort you. I think I speak for a lot of us when I say I just want to be there and hold your hand through this. Mis- and MsO- have had good things to say. Oh, Iz, I love ya, I'm praying for you and thinking of you. Whatever you're feeling, whatever you have to say, you know you can spill and share here. Just let us and your friends love you ... I know this is hard. It's funny how we all have our pain, and yet you draw me out of mine as I think of you. Know you are loved Iz. I don't know what else to say... (((Izzie)))

It is weighing heavy Iz...I know it is. I am here. I am listening. I will do whatever is in my power to help you through this. ((Izzie)) ((Izzie)) ((Izzie))

Still here, too, (though going out soon), Iz.

But will leave my computer online when I return.

Post as much & as often as you need.

Hang in there, possum!

I spoke with Iz for a bit on the phone. I don't know if she'll post back tonight - she said she was headed to bed to try to get some sleep before s-boy gets home in a few hours.

I am SO thankful JPB. I am glad she is going to try to sleep. Willing it for her.
((JPB)) Thank you.

Yes, I just received a similar message via PM, JPB.

Thank you for letting us know.

I hope you're managing to get some shut eye, Iz.

Same goes for me. Thanks for the update, JP. Hoping good sleeps for our Izzie. Gonna try and go knock off myself.

S-boy is just back.

I've just asked my ex husband to leave my house, rather forcefully.

He asked, in front of Sboy, to talk to me - this is the first time since the letter from his lawyer was sent that I have had to see him. I stood in the porch and closed the door but the front door was open.

They (him and his girlfriend) want to take S-boy away for his birthday weekend and go and spend time with friends (ex) of ours in London, pulling him out of school - they going to take him to see Les Miserables in the West End. Stab. He then told me to contact my lawyer and get the paper work sent thru as he hasn't the stomach for it. Stab. I told him I would not do that - that he has to go thru his lawyers. He said he had already paid the bill for the lawyer and wasn't going to talk to them again and that I had to contact mine and he would sign the papers - after everything he said to me before. I told him I did not trust anything he said and would never trust him again after what he's done, if he wants the paperwork he has to go thru his lawyer so it's legally binding. He did not like that at all, told me I was being unbelievable and ridiculous. I asked him to leave my house. 3 times before he actually did. I locked the door.

Sboy has no idea what's going on - he asked if I had agreed to let his Dad take him away for the weekend and pull him out of school for a couple of days... he doesn't know he's going to see Les Miserables - just that he is going to have the best birthday treat.

We're meant to be going over to Tulips. I don't think I can leave the house tho right now. Just need to be here. Maybe we'll go out and do something in the garden.

Shaking. I keep shaking.

((Izzie)) When it rains it pours. Just do what you can. Breathe.
Love you

Shaking in anger? Anger can be a good outlet. So can ex-spouses. What day is your appt with your counselor lady?

I'm about to go to bed, Iz, but just read your last post.
Really bad timing, for your ex-husband to turn up just now. You didn't need that today.
I can understand why you're upset.
But you handled that well.Well done.
Just try to take things a bit easy now. You don't need any more upsets today.

Goodnight, take good care, Iz

shaking at myself for being so weak

for judging myself

for fearing i won't see Rboy again

for getting so upset when my ex has a lawyer tell me Rboy won't see me again and asks me how i look at myself in the morning for "financially raping him" and how do i live with myself

for getting so upset when S-boy, in his innocence, tells me he bought an Easter Egg for his brother and took it to Grandmas because she would be more likely to see him, and we won't

for getting so pissed off at my ex for turning up to my parents with Easter Eggs for them and playing happy families - when they are completely unaware of what he has been doing

for thinking back to Christmas when my parents came here and brought over my exs and his girlfriends Christmas presents here to open in front of me

for my mom coming by my house when i was away and listening to my voice messages

for being so angry inside

for not being able not to cry when i talk about R and letting it enter relationships i have with others

for letting this small part of me interfere with the part of me that wants to live, when sometimes, times like these, on my own during holidays, i feel like i have no will and i've a reached a point

and for when i do live and enjoy myself and i am happy beyond anything - that i then make myself think of R - or i am reminded by those around me that i should not be the way i am - that actually there must be something wrong me if i am happy and enjoying myself, that i have animals here and should not go away and i should be here and not disappearing off - even tho S-boy is not here - I should stay here

i am reminded of my selfishness for enjoying life and being happy - by those who are supposed to love me

i am angry at myself for being ridiculous now, letting myself down

for wanting to know what R looks like, what he sounds like - when i should just let it be knowing he is OK.... i am selfish, i want to see him and hear him

i wish i were stronger and didn't let these things bother me

How freeing it would be if you took off that hair shirt you're wearing! I don't mean that cynically or sarcastically. I mean it sincerely. Give yourself permission to allow yourself the freedom of living.

Those who would judge you have to look at themselves in the mirror while leaving you to look at yours alone. Those who would stand beside you will look in your mirror with you. It's your choice whose voices you hear.

There will always be pain and hurt and sorrow in life. But it's tempered by happiness, joy, and hope for the future. It's much easier when those two aspects of life are in balance with each other. It sounds like you swing on a pendulum of one or the other, but never really getting the full pleasure out of the good side because of that hair shirt you're wearing.

You'll need help in shedding it but I've no doubt it's doable.

you are not weak. human and cornered is more like it.

I'm glad you let some of it out. wish you had cussed him a blue streak.

standing up for yourself is good.

tossing the wanker is better.

you judge yourself SO harshly, muffin.

nobody deserves the bad things that life dishes out.

tell your solicitor about this, and leave him deal with the ex.

Ima have a cuppa and mull this around some more...

((Iz))

Standing by here in support and love. (((Iz)))