On the edge and toppling off....

Izzie and Dev your both very much in my thoughts today, may you both find the strength to overcome your worries, and face the future with renewed vigour.
(((((Izzie & Dev)))))

Love it, Mis-! I'll have to show it to him! Thanks for your encouragement, all.
It's just another bump in the road for me. I'll go over it and go on!

Hey Soz, thanku for thinking us.

Yep - i always tell him that it's OK to be mad and sad and all the frustration and anger in beween and I feel that too, but handle it differently. That doesn't make me right or him wrong. We just feel it differently. I try to be as open as poss about R but only things that he needs to know as in everyday stuff - not the finer details.

I rang R - he refused to talk with me twice yesterday - the carers respect his wishes, that's fine. Apparently he has gone to the town tonite My mother has a card to give him - it's not a birthday card - just i wrote that I will always love him, unsertand he has to do it his way but the his brother and I do love him and are here if he wishes to see or talk with him

I ensured S-boy had his tel number- he called r - it lasted about 15 seconds - but it's better than nothing and tho R, who was despondent (no surprises on his birthday) and the usual... at lease S-boy can hear for himself that R is around.

k - can't keep my eyes open....... neeeeeeed z - thanks for one and all. I am still "not feeling" - he's doing good, S-boy is coping and lala land is in town and I have finding much to be greateful for and living extraordhinary well, so long as I don't think. Walks on the beach and cliffs and the rock - feeling the force of nature - that's a wonderful thing. I know I'm fortunate. I hope one day r will see this for himself.

Thanks all. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx





yep - his anger is supported until he manages to break my grip on my non-reality - he has learned what hurts (as do all kids) - by nature, this is unusual for him, we are breaking through those barriers. Will try and acknowedge in a better way - thanku for the advice.

He misses his brother, I miss his brother too. We've lost aour BigBoy - One day I hope he will returs to us.

sorry, posts are jumbled............ neeeeeed to z, meds have kicked in and can't focus. Can't read back - hope it makes sense.

Thanku all. x

Thanks all - appreciate your adve anytime and all the time. Truly, thanku all






Dev- hope you are doing better girlie. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx We're here for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

((Izzie)) ((S-boy)) ((Dev))

Thanks, Mis-! I need that hug and doubles for me to (((Iz)))- and (((S-boy)))!

I miss Ryan so very much, it hurts. I have nowhere else to say it. I miss him every single day.

Dear Izzie I understand your feelings, thinking of you, so hoping the tide will turn for you. (((Izziie))) xxx.

I know X

Oh, Izzie. Huggin' ya big time! Wish I was there to give you a real one! Know that you're always in my thoughts and prayers, girlie! xo

(((((((Iz))))))))

Heart hurts for you...can only imagine - and I am sure that doesn't come near how hard it is for you. ((Izzie))

It’s terribly difficult to get a balance with my two children. Be a mother. Not be a mother.

My little boy, all 12 years of him, misses his brother so much. As I do, miss my eldest son.

It seems so unfair not to have him in our lives " and yes, it was a choice made at a time that we had to place trust in others. Misguided trust. Never trust the system.

It keeps coming back where I struggle and then rationalise the reasons and keep on my merry little way. I’m the adult. I have to do that. My little boy can’t do this.

S-boy has been staying with his Dad for the last 4 days after my surgery. Only 4 days. When he is with his Dad, he allows him to go into town with his friends and cousin and walk around " as most kids do. It’s happened before where S-boy has actively sought his brother out. He’s cycled to my friend’s house in the hope of seeing his brother and it’s ended in tears " usually S-boy’s. We have told him that he should not do this " because we, as the “all knowing” adults, know that R-boy cannot cope with seeing him. He’s cut us out of his life completely. The system respects his wishes and we have little choice, other than to accept that R is “living”.

In the 4 days, S-boy went and found his brother twice. This, along with the trials of being a 17 year old boy who is ‘in care’, who feels “trapped” and does not feel as tho he is “alive” " his words today " has had a devastating effect on R, who cried his heart out whilst hugging his little brother yesterday. Not a few tears. Sobbing. He told my ex to F off and held onto his little brother crying.

I got the call this afternoon that R-boy cut his wrists last nite. Again, this morning. Not deep enough to cause him severe problems, another few scars to add to the rest of his body. His cry for help. I don’t react to that unless I think about it " I saw a lot of it, so did his brother, I don’t like to think about that anymore.

The House called in his old keyworker, the one they pulled in their last mistake " I question that judgement . I haven’t spoken to the old keyworker in maybe... a year. He hasn’t been in R’s life for a long time. R-boy hasn’t self harmed for a very long time. He’s in so much pain emotionally " he’s cutting himself off from his family and friends " and there is absolutely nothing I can do but wait to see if he will come back to us. Again, my bitterness towards the system that has let him down, and us down, is rearing it’s ugly head " I know there is no point in saying “it’s not fair” “it shouldn’t be this way”....

But

“it’s not fair” and “it shouldn’t be this way”.

I feel a burning anger inside me that the “babysitting” that has been done for the last 5 years amounts to zip. The system stinks.

They, The House, don’t know what to do, are calling in “more help” for “advice”. Idiots. Too little too late. They are concerned, more than a tad. Enough to call me " first time in a very long time.

No matter. There will never be a resolution to my anger there. There are no answers.

So, I’m cathartically writing because I have just had to tell S-boy that he needs to stop txting and going to find his brother, that his brother is struggling at the moment and that he needs, like we do, to let R-boy come to him/us when he feels he can. You can’t imagine the hurt look on his face. I haven’t told him what R has done... do I tell him... no, of course not, that doesn’t seem reasonable to me. S-boy walked into our home when I was on the phone so he knew something had happened because I didn’t continue talking and stepped outside the room. He’s not stupid. He asked me if R had got The House to call to tell S-boy to “get the f away from me” " he will use R’s words for emphasis on how he thinks R might have said it. I said no, that is not why they called, they called to say R was struggling a little and just to let me know. Just that we needed to let R decide when and if he contacts us.

You see " it’s so hard knowing what to, and what not to, say.

I haven’t seen R for......... gosh......... I don’t know. It’s been a long time. I don’t even want to think how long.

My Mom came over a few days ago. She brought a picture of him to show me telling me he had a hair cut.

I was nearly sick.

That won’t make sense to most. It’s a very real feeling tho.

Nothing really to say, other than... I have no idea still how or what to explain to my youngest, as usual.
I don’t know what will happen with R-boy now. I have no idea, other than do what I do, to put the feelings I have for R, knowing what he is going thru, knowing I can do jack sh*t about it and pretending to myself “it’s all gonna be OK”. I do that most of the time. I’m sitting here just not able to pretend it’s all OK, that it doesn’t hurt, and yet keep a look on my face of total nothingness.

Put the feelings to one side, somewhere it doesn’t hurt and yep, lalallalla land.

I don’t know anything really. Other than my children hurt terribly. So do I. It never goes away.

We just get on with each day and carry on with our lives.

But I know where R is, I know he’s hurting, I know he makes his choices and I don’t have a say. He’s still my son tho. I can’t forget about him. It feels horrible.

It’s terribly difficult to get a balance with my two children. Be a mother. Not be a mother.

no words.

ok, one.

tea.

hugs, muffin...

My heart goes out to you Izzie, it must be so difficult to live in this unfair world you find yourself in. You've done all you can for your children and have been a good mother. ((((Izzie))))

Oh, (((Iz-))) , as always, what to say ... We are here. We are listening. We love you. You ARE a good mum. You've had such a tough go of it. Hugs and good thoughts for you and S-boy! xxoo

Izzie, You're in my heart and my thoughts. Hugging you. Wishing that things were better. Not even gonna say, "Hang in." I know you'll do the best you can in a terrible situtation.

Love,
R

Decision has been taken that we - that is... ex, House, me, are in agreement that S-boy has to be asked/told/whatever - not to contact R-boy. i've done. Ex will do.

feels sh*te.

S-boy will be with his dad for Christmas. I know R-boy will not go there. Gonna be hard for S-boy. Gonna be hard for R-boy.

it's all just yuk.


Thanku for listening. Gonna try not post again. Makes me think - best not to think or feel here right now.

((Izzie)) it is hard. No easy fix...though I wish there were.
Love you.

Izzie. There is no doubt that in my mind, you compassionately stand by your children and do all you can, as a most loving mother,... given your unique circumstance. Life can,....suck, for lack of a better word.,..and you were dealt a tough hand. Your life, are your children. Seems to me, twenty four hours a day. What more can you give.
One day at a time. Through all the pain and tears, your love is absolutely felt by all. No matter what they say.

One long hug.

I've been trying to talk to R for months, I phone, but no - he won't ever take my calls. I can't see him or speak to him. I've been a mess for a few days - I rang at 1.45pm and was asked by the carer to call back after 2pm because R didn't know the carer but someone he knew would be there a 2pm. I didn't get a call back. I couldn't stop crying - ya know - the feeling is overwhelming - I rang again at 4pm - the carer answered to tell me R had been upset when he arrived- he had taken all the documentation from the office regarding his care placement etc and put it into the washing machine. Everything. They won't stop him of course.

Noddy would have something wise to say about the washing machine.

I asked if he would talk with me - the carer thought not, then, R came downstairs and into the office... I could hear him talking, i could really hear him - he was just talking, normally, politely, asking to go into town ... it's the first time since September I've heard his voice. I lost it then, I was sobbing, for no good. The carer didn't know what to say to me - I said a bunch of things - I got the carer to ask R if he would talk to me - the carer called him down, R walked into the office, I heard him tell him it was me, R walked over and hung up the phone. The carer called me back a little while later and said there was no anger or aggression with R - he just cut me dead. No discussion. Nothing. No emotion. Dead.

R then went to the town to see his friends. I don't exist. His brother doesn't exist. He got rid of everything to do with us - christmas presents, the lot.

He's about to leave care. I won't know where he is or have any way to contact him.

I simply can't find my breath.

the tears just won't stop.

I know you'll all just tell me to let it be, let him go, these are his choices. I cannot desribe the pain here - I don't know how to stop it hurting. It never goes away. I can't get anyone to understand. I don't know what to do to make this easier - if I stop feeling... there's nothing left. I have 2 children. Not one. I have two.