i got stuck in a web - my own - i musta spun it - a black widow - not a pretty butterfly tonite = and they all sat there waiting to get the first piece they could. In with the jabs from every angle.
a friend, my son, my folks, home... isn't a safe place for me right now,being here. I already regret some of the things I had to say to those close to me, who i know love me, but hurt me with their idiotic "no big deal" approach to my wellbeing or how i feel. It always about R, them and everyone else. They never listen. I don't ask stuff from them - but they still want me to be someone I'm not. They won't keep me down for long - i hope.
in the words of Noddy - "park"ing "the problems" and leaving for London tomorrow. I have to return for the little fella, for now, and try not to run away.
"Something To Believe In"
You talk too much.
Maybe that's your way
Of breaking up the silence
That fills you up.
But it doesn't sound the same
When no one's really listening
We stumble into our lives:
Reach for a hand to hold.
And any wonder
We need to find
A certain something, certain.
Turn out the light
And what are you left with?
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty.
Press my face to the ground
I've gotta find a reason.
Just scratching around
For something to believe in:
Something to believe in.
You have too much.
You're spending all your time
Collecting and discovering
It's not enough.
And no matter how you try,
You never find the one you want.
We stumble into our lives:
Without a hand to hold.
And any wonder
We need to find
A certain something, certain.
Turn out the light
And what are you left with?
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty.
Press my face to the ground
I've gotta find a reason.
Still scratching around
For something to believe in:
Something to believe in.
They haven't listened in a long time. They didn't tonite. The push was over the edge. I landed on an A2Kledge for my fortune, and will stay there for tonite in blissful silence. Tomorrow I'll climb back up and head out to my soulsis and park the problems, pamper nite Saturday, and party in Hyde Park, brace and all - yay and yuk. Hope to make the journey in one piece.
R=boy has his wish granted. I am no longer his mother - all I did was give birth - his words. Not too far from the truth. More complications. I won't fight them any longer - I fought tonite - it's taken it's toll, not that I have any legal rights whatsoever when he turned 16. All his and their choices. My opinion counts for nothing. My feelings are for less than nothing. Hand over the documents, hand money to my friend, his holiday and be done with. Goody goody - everyone's happy. I should be grateful. right!
So, tomorrow I hand over my son's birth certificate into the system.
Cut out. Cut dead. His choice. A piece of me dies tomorrow. All that I had, just a piece of paper - little tho it was - is gone after tonite - his choice.
I can live without a chunk of my heart - believe me - he took a little chunk, my folks too, my friend too. Trying to breathe - but they are holding me under. Effin let me go. Doors locked, phones unplugged, peace at last. No more tonite.
Tomorrows another day. Strength day tomorrow. Hand over. Get in Car. drive forever and hope perspective kicks back in over the weekend whilst Bruce Springsteen sings a merry tune.
So............. piece of paper - birthright - all I had left. Tomorrow - he walks away and will leave me - in his words - i never want to see you or G again.
Going to bed. Tabs kicked in. I;m sorry I;m a mess. i just didn't want to lose my son - and no matter what i did, i fought for him - and he took it as me fighting against him. Too late. damage done. Me and him and all the family are f8cked up.
I'm going to say something really stupid, but I don't know who G is or what he is to you. I tried to look back through a lot of pages and still don't know.
However, I agree with not just being the shrimp at the barbee, if you have intimations of that, however correct or very wrong.
Alternately, if I'm feeling good, I might. But, your choice was reasonable.
How can the people who say they love you take everything that you hold dear and say "its not a big deal".... how can my mom say that.
hey ho.... R will be happy - 2 weeks in France with my friend and her family - goody for him and them - happy familes. She's asked me to give her the money next week for the holiday I knew nowt about. FINE. Will do. Done.
Need to sleep. I'm f*cked.
The good news is... my house is a lot cleaner now. Just how pathetic can one get when one looked after a piece of paper for so long, holding onto it as it's all I had of him, and now I have to hand it over to Mom, them or whomever. Mom says "it no big deal" - IT IS MOM. You took him, replaced me, went against everything I said, and now I have to give you his birth certificate too. Is there anything else that I did wrong you would like to point out to me - oh yeah - my garden full of weeds which you picked to pieces (your garden USED to be beautiful - thanks - IT STILL BLOODY IS ) - how crap it makes me feel that R won't even come over to pick it up, and when I TELL you not to Mom, you tell me it's no big deal. Just so R dicates the terms and tells you what to do and you jump, against my wishes again. He's had 24 hours to pick it up - he was 5 minutes away - he wont. Refuses to see me or walk in a house that G has been in. Payback. 2I am no longer your son and you are nothing to me." etc
Okedokey.
Time for sleep. Nite all. Wasted.
Why don't they get it?
There will those who think drama queen - fine - that's the walk in the shoes bit. This is walking on glass, coals and the add abit of crap to fall flat on your face into. As R says - I deserve it. He got me a goodun tonite. Just a few words - then the follow on - then the push. ring the phone off the wall..... pull the plug - sorted.
Will be fine in the morning. Out of here. Good. London's calling for some Hard Rock.... I may be shite - but I'll be Uber Cool Shite at a Rock Concert dancing with my sis.
Nite all....... gone this time......really xxxxxxx
Work in 6ish! Ugh. thanks - I need some cheese with my whine. x
Thanks All - Thanku Osso. G is page 1 here - we found one another 2.5 yrs ago, he couldn't make me real because of R-boy and his kids and he was weak at the time - major "on off on off for 19 months" - family think I need locking up to love someone who can hurt me again - Finally, G did make me real - a few weeks ago - took him a while. Payback is huge from R and G's daughter.
This is a defining moment for R. R revelled in saying the things he said tnoight No-one trusts G...R being the least trusting in the family. He has that right - he got hurt. The rest of the family just give me the "you are stupid" look. They say he doesnt love me and will leave again. FINE. That's between us and no-one else.
I didn't tow the line or cut G out of my life as they told me to but he messed me about in the past and I didn't discuss it with them. Now he's back, he's strong... there's a storm coming tho. Nemmind.
It'll all come out in the wash.
I will enjoy London. When i get back, G will be in Africa... ha... our trip from 2 years ago that fell thru when his kids had a paddy. Space for some breathing. Need it.
Tomorrows another day. They will all be ticketyboo. It's just me. I'll not be here. I;ll be London bound. Thats good. No.... that;s excellent. Carrying on.
This is a defining moment for R. R revelled in saying the things he said tnoight No-one trusts G...R being the least trusting in the family. He has that right - he got hurt. The rest of the family just give me the "you are stupid" look. They say he doesnt love me and will leave again. FINE. That's between us and no-one else.
Hi Iz
I've had to do a bit of back-reading to fully understand your current situation. You sounded so upset, i wanted to better understand what was causing the hurt ...
Regarding R: you know, I suspect that this might be a temporary state of affairs. All mixed-up with the "rest of the family's" reactions to your relationship with G. (How dare they say such things to you? As if your life is theirs' to control, or direct!) If it was me in your shoes, I'd hope I could be strong enough to leave him (R) be ... find his own way through this over time. And I suspect he will. He knows you are there for him, always have been & always will be. And he knows you love him. (Which gives him the confidence to do what he's doing ... he knows you won't reject him.) His "rejection" of you is more to do with your decisions not suiting him & wanting to exert influence over you to keep things they way he wants them to be. But hang in there, Iz & for a change, live your life for you. Everyone else (including R) will eventually adjust to the idea that you are an autonomous being & have a right to seek happiness for yourself - even if they disagree with the choices you make. Same with the family. Let them come to grips with the idea that your life is yours, to do with what you choose... including possibly making "mistakes"! They'll come around eventually, I'll bet you. They just have to get used to a radically new idea, by the sounds of it! Sometimes, you know, it's wiser to just let things be, to develop over time, even though it might make you feel sad as this happens ...
(I hope it wasn't out of line to comment, Iz? I think I just wanted to say that "this, too, will pass" & you never know, there might actually be a few surprising "side benefits" ( ) in terms of your relationships with your nearests & dearests, as a result ... )
i can't get a grip - the tears wont stop - they just won't stop - i just told my boss i will be late for work - i couldn't hold it together on the phone.
I have his birth certificate, US passport and his British passport beside me. Will arrange for someone from the House to meet me at lunchtime and hand them over to them. Then drive up to London.
R has been making his way in the world for a long time - since he was 6. He believes that he has the right to to say the things he said to me last nite and tell me exactly what I am and who I am for placing him in care. I've tolerated that many years and have got past the name calling - but I won't get past the truth - I did put him in care - and no-one understands how that makes me feel when they all continued to let him do as he pleased and stayed at my Moms or my friends, sometimes for weeks on end - I didn't put him up for adoption, or into foster care, or signed him over. He was put into voluntary care because they said he would kill himself. I didn't want to do it. He was at school at the time - that's where he tried to hang himself. He then did excatly what he chose to do within the care system and they and the system allowed it - they know they made mistakes - they said "sorry". My mom allowed more than anyone - when he said jump, she did. I begged her not to. She let him, his friends stay, rule the roost - their house, walking in and out whenever he chooses and then she phones me every day to tell me what she had fed him, bought for him, done for him, complaining her life was in turmoil. All she had to say was NO to him. I asked her to say NO. I had to say NO. She said she couldn't - it's her gransdon, yet she agreed along with the family, he should be in care and we had made the right decision. He went there every day - to my parents. I put him in care and still she fed him, clothed him and replaced her need for a non independent child and someone to look after, i.e. me, with him. I asked her not to do the things she was doing. I pleaded with her not to "enable" his behaviour - this has been for over 3 years - she wouldn't stop - she undermined everything I ever did - all with good intention, all against my wishes. If I said no to R - if his demands were too high - she would then do it. He could raise a knife and I would call the House for help - R would paddy and Mom would rush in to his rescue.
I said I would never sign him over - the placement was voluntary. R made it permanent.
Yesterday I arranged with the House that R was to come over and pick up his birth certificate - I had no problem with this. He's nearly 17 and wants his new passport to go on holiday with my friend, who just happened not to tell me she was taking him away for 2 weeks - taking a child in care abroad - errrrrrrrr.... best check with the local authority first! He wouldn't come. He was 5 mins away - he wouldn't do it - he will not come here. He went back to the city and rang my Mom and asked her to pick it up. She said she would. I said no, she would not - either he or the House picked it up from me - this is what the House and I had arranged - we had talked this thru and the reasons we were doing it this way. My mom rang and said "whats the big deal" "I'll give him his birth certificate". It is a big deal. He was my child, I didn't place him with you Mom and I won't give you his birth certificate for you to hand to him. That's how I feel. That hurt is too much right now. Everything I ever tried to do for R after he was placed in care - she stepped in and took over and made me feel useless. Of course, he'll go to her. Of course he will, he completely controls her. Yes, you can feed him, wash his clothes, see him laugh and have his friends over, have him stay and let him scream and shout abuse at you and even smash things up, run, jump, pick and fetch - and then burst into tears, call me up and tell me all about it - each day. DONT. Don't call me. I don't want to know he is there with you doing those things - he shouldn't be there - he should be at the House. I had to stop doing that when he tried to kill himself at school. You allow him to do all the things I was told not to do because it could hurt him - it enabled him in the wrong way. Now where are we. No education since he was 11. Yep, he's alive. No, I don't get to see him. Mom - you will still jump thru hoops for him - even when all he had to do was come 5 mins to pick up his birth certificate - this the House and I discussed - we had good reason to do it that way.
R was in the town - so he decides he will send someone to pick it up for him. He will send my Mom. She will do it.
Last nite I put the phone down after numerous calls with him, had a final call with my mother and then pulled the phones out. I do need to cut him and them out. Possibly G too. He found it hard to see R after such a long time and with their history. R won't come here if G is here now - he made that clear last nite. G is not comfortable coming here in case R does show up unexpectedly. G's daughter won't come out of her room or the bathroom if I go to G's house - she will not share her father. G will not stay here because his kids would not approve. S-boy worries for me and just says "don't ever expect me to hug him" and cries for his brother almost daily.
What's the point.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe they are all right.
Maybe I need to go to London and forget about them all.
Right now I have to figure out how to get to work and hold it together for a few hours until I get up to London. I don't want to be here.
Sorry - had to write it out and get it out of my head. I'm very tired and cranky.
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Have just rung the House - manager apologised again for not sticking with the agreed plan which a lot of thought had gone into - about what is best for R and me and our relationship - this was something that needed to be done - to come and pick up the birth certificate and passports yesterday, with or without R, if necessary. Manager is not happy with the staff member. However, we all know that R can manipulate staff and others into doing what he wants. The agreement was that they picked it up yesterday - they had all day, knowing I was going away today. They... just didn't. 5 mins is all it took. They were in the town.
Someone is on their way over now to my house now - so...... in about an hour it'll be done and dusted.
Sometimes, you know, it's wiser to just let things be, to develop over time, even though it might make you feel sad as this happens ...
