On the edge and toppling off....

Hang in there dear Dev, we're all here for you and listening, try to smile and think life isn't to bad really. You CAN do it. (((Dev))).

Hey, all. Right now all I can say is thanks and your support means the world to me as I continue to hold on to the knot here I have tied to the end of my rope!

devriesj, I want you to know that one of the kindest things that you and Osso ever did was to start a thread about my husband's death. I cannot thank you enough for that. Miss you on the picture connection, gal.

I realize that you were a widow at the time, and that helps us to share each others "hole in the heart". Be strong, and know that I am thinking of you. We have all had our struggles, no?

Remember this?

And oft when on my couch I lie,
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye,
Which is the bliss of solitude.

And then my heart with rapture fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Hey QueenDev.... you around girlie? Sending out a vibe... posi one at that - hugs x

I'm around, sort of. Just dealing with some nasy " f.i.'s" That's "feminine issues", need I say more? Just give me chocolate!!!

I'm makin' jello shots for karaoke tonight, thought you gals might like one...

(the green ones are extry strong)

Hi Dev, your wish is my command, box of chocolates coming up, just for you!

G - thisavo

friggin rollercoaster........ feeling sick... sick to my stomach - all my insecurities are back - not again, it couldn't happen again, surely not " am truly pathetic

of course it won't - it's not going to happen again " he’s gonna be strong and come by - i'm just feeling really sick that's all

Cleaning........can't stop cleaning now - dunno if there's something wrong or not - waiting on a phone call - just a stupid phonecall - I'm not even cleaning - I'm moving stuff outta of one cupboard into another cupboard - shuffling... I'm shuffling

last time - the phonecall never came - just disappeared again

there's probably nothing wrong, this is just me, being insecure - just there was a big hurdle to jump today - I don't know he'll make it over it - the biggest hurdle - he's strong, i know he's strong, he'll be fine, he'll be fine - will he? He was supposed to come by a few hours ago after he had jumped a hurdle..... he hasn't shown - could be a million reasons why, he hasn't called - could be a million reasons why - he's not answering his phones....... he could still be jumping

could be, he's done it again


i feel stupid even writing this...........posted, deleted, i feel stupid even thinking this could happen again - but i can't stop myself thinking it - even stupider to open up and get slammed- but hey, wouldn't make me feel any more shite! right now.

oh jeeeeeeez - shutup - i have to shutup - stop thinking it will go wrong, but then, why shouldn't it go wrong, why should it go right, bubbles burst all the time - why should I get something work out.

nobody said it was easy

we knew there were gonna be hurdles " this is a biggie

We’re the only ones who know what we think and feel about each other "that’s ok

gotta have a little faith huh

oh f*ck - i wrote this over many hours ago - i don't wanna push the button, but i do, i don't know what else to do

this is so stupid, of course there's nothing wrong, it's gonna be fine, it will, it will be fine - I KNOW IT WILL BE FINE

***************************************************************************************************************.......I am pathetic.................. it was fine. I lost control when he arrived- floods of tears (ack " hate that-couldn’t stop myself........... he was fine, big and strong........further hurdle tonite " R-boy boy turned up enexpected. (first time he saw in over 2 years - huge resentement from R to G........... it shocked both of them " but R and S-boy has planned it thisavo - R-boy was polite and respectful " I was so proud of him - he acknowledged G a couple time " no conversation. I just cooked them a meal, they played swingball, fished and giggled a bit " G arrived- 3 x 16 years puffed their chest.

G turned up....... again............. he wasn’t going to, he phoned to say he didn’t know if he could do it "see R-boy again, on the same day " I made my thoughts clear " said it was his decision " pieces would be needed to be picked up again, by me, to me, it would be hid decision - that would result in hurting me and my kids. He had a choice. 2 years ago he couldn't do it.......... that was that.

two year later - He came straight round then. I f ed the and then went and sat in the garden. They came out to us.... ate their foor and.... a.little auqward, then left. The Bigboys were just coco.> R slightly agitated = completely under control tho. He needed his buddies around him. This was massive for R - first face to face contact in over years. So proud of him- He did brilliant.


It was all fine " all sitting in the garden " I cooked them a makehaste meal, they played swingball a bit " 3 monster lads and Sean G and I sitting quietly talking " just chatting and sipping tea. Phew. This coulda meant make or bread.... I couldn’t watch him to do tis to R again, if he hadn't shown up, actually, nor Sean or me " he was making it too big, too exaggerated - such a huge big worry - "just come by, be an adult, act normal, be in control of your emotions - sp what is the problem G.... you can do this, it's whether you choose to give R the power back, and kick him again not turning up when you know he's here and he's knows your'e coming over - you are coming to see ME..... R will be here - so WHAT! - just come in, do what we do naturally, R-boy, his friends and S-boy have to fit in " they did " it was coco.... may get some R-boy payback on the phone tomorrow- i can do that if that happens,.... plenty practice... maybe not = maybe he is growing up " very proud at his maturity today. Fishfingers and pasta " full tummies, played a bit, left, no hug " that s’ok. He’s hugged me twice (out of duty " but still)

I have been an emotional wreck all day " for no good reason. I was Mrs Strong tonite with R and G "it was fine.

Need to sleep.... taken pills................. spinning " falling down heap bigtime

I know I shouldn’t post anything of this - especially now. If don’t I’m not being true to me....... I need to do this, even if I get slammed for sheer stupity and wake up calls. Hey ho. I hope not. I'm truly wasted as it is.

I’m crap " all so unnessary " just I cant’ imagine him doing this to me again. How wrong was I? MAHOUSIVE wrong " never been so glad to be wrong.. Sleep, I need sleep. Sorry to whinge. I don’t want to............ I am just so friggin insecure at times that he will drop me dead. My heart tells me he wont..... my head tells me he may. We are together - beautiful........ We are apart " we just do and , get on, everyday normal but miss each other.


I stumbled badly. All is good tho........... I believe " Live laugh Love

Gonna sit by my river now - won't fall ing (no worries) and look for Noody and arroooooooooooooo forBeth, MrHbg,MM & Stacy, Tulip, LilK, Babbling, Edgar and all those you need a how. Sorry to whinge. Resolved. Scuse typing and mistakes, can't check back - shouldn't post- out for the count " falling down. Need my bed.................Hot choc, river, Noddy, Bed. Done/
x


apols - one day I will feel stronger. So scared today. So scared.

Love y’all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Izzie, having got that off your chest, take a deep breath and go to sleep. Things will be coco in the morning, your past emotions are overriding the present, remember things have changed for the better. Good night angel. (((Izzie)))

gone bed....... thanks D. love you. need sleep....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It is lovely when the fellas step up to the plate, isn't it.

It was difficult for all of you - and you all got through the afternoon - with nerves and doubts and worries for and about each other.

I'm so glad that the afternoon/evening just eventually happened.

I keep thinking back to you trying to stuff the Pandora's box shut. Glad it forced its way back open. Needs resolution, not stuffing shut.

Yes, get some sleep Izzie. I think I'll just walk out to your babbling brook and sit for a lil while. You find so much peace out there. Maybe if I sit there for you, while you sleep, the peacefulness will infiltrate your dreams.

Live ~ Laugh ~ and Love

(((((( Izzie ))))))))

I am such an idiot.

I don't remember posting the above <shakes head>. I wish it could be deleted. YUK.

I need to stop posting at nite....perhaps stop posting here. I'm a mess right now. Just me. No-one else here. Just me.

Thanku. All will be fine.
x

Trust all is fine. (((Izzie)))

Signing in from Berlin, what a rollercoaster sis?. With you and holding your hand. All will be just fine
I love you x

Hey

all is fine, thanku xxxx

ahhhhhhhhhhhh... that 'ole saying...

what a difference a day makes...

and the lovely thing about a new day is just how incredibly quickly your brain can turn something around - when you feel as tho you took a step back, then you realise you can take a leap forward - and you also realise that it has nothing at all to do with anything here really - that's all just circumstances - it's all just about what you feel deep inside and how you want to live, how to make your own way forward.

I am not this place. I am not the past. I'm just me. And I can be, no matter what anyone says or does. If they don't like it - they can jump offboard anytime. I've got my own helm and I'm gonna steer me clear!!!!!!!!!

Fascinating really - when you figure stuff.... it's like watching a butterfly emerge - as it escapes it's chrysalis it has to rest - and it's body needs to harden and it's wing's need to stretch before it can take it's maiden flight - then, it just flutters away.

That's what it feels like right now. I feel like that. I've toughened up - took me a while - and now, gonna fly on a breeze and just blow away........... well, who knows where... Could be here, could be anywhere - but one thing is for sure - I'm not waiting around for people keep me still - catch me if you - I'm getting on with life. Gotta make sure I avoid the beautiful silky webs that are sometimes woven by others setting up destruction.

I've been listening to a tune



Let’s take a better look
Beyond a story book
And learn our souls are all we own
Before we turn to stone

Let’s go to sleep with clearer heads
And hearts too big to fit our beds
And maybe we won’t feel so alone
Before we turn to stone




all will be fine... it already was - I just had to figure out a few things and say them out loud to understand what gives me peace, and what makes me safe.

I figured it out.

Everything here - is what I make it, and I'll decide which way I go. I got to the top of my mountain - the sun is shining and - sky's the limit!

Here, there, wherever.





<of course, not every day will feel quite like today - but, hey, you can't have it all! > <smiling>

It may interest you to know...a "chrysalis" is actually the creature inside the cocoon.* Half larvae, half butterfly. Which makes it an even better analogy for what you're describing!

Go ahead! Fly! You can do it!

*preferred definition, most dictionaries

Hey hey

Ha... Eva - thanku girlie - I AM a bit like a half and half at the moment.

Today I was invited to a family (G's family) BBQ - now, 7pm - the whole caboodle - brothers, sister, nephews, nieces, parents, kids ....... the whole family, and some - at his sisters home.

I only had a few hours notice and usually, I am spur of the moment - but not that. I couldn't do it and chose to decline. Apparently, the family (big family - very, very close knit, lovely people) had been talking about it yesterday and said "she may as well meet all of us at one go" - but, no, I'm afraid I couldn't do that. (sheesh - I don't even see the people I know around here, leave alone a whole new massive family)

It's not that I don't want to meet them, I do - but not all at once, right now - it's just I don't have the confidence yet to walk into a situation where I may feel I'm being judged again. Cowardly. Maybe. No - it's not. It actually made me feel ill thinking about putting myself in that position - I wanted to be sick - ugh. So, I chose to say thanku, but no thanku very much - the last thing I wish to do is to be in a position where the only person I know in a huge number of people is G, and to be looking around for him if someone called him away. Ugh. Shudders at the thought of that. It's not me.


Making talk with all his family - who actually all know about me and my kids - (after all, R-boy worked for them before...there's a lot of history there) - I didn't wanna be in that position.

G didn't put me under any pressure at all which of course, he wouldn't do - he knew that I would be out of my comfort zone and and already said to his parents he didn't think I would be comfortable.

So, I'm thinking - I'm actually being VERY STRONG here and saying "no, this isn't what I wish to do - I won't feel comfortable - therefore I choose not to do it". (I just need to say it out loud). I'm flapping around quite freely at the moment.

Someone told me, a while back, to think about what I wish to do each day. So, that's what I'm doing. Just going with my comfort zone and not setting myself up to fail now by doing anything that is going to make feel less than who I am.

In actual fact, S-boy was meant to be playing flute at the school Summer Ball tonite and boarding - but he's not feeling too well and has been quite tearful, so I've brought him home - so I couldn't have gone anyhoo.

Just talking out loud. Needed to say it out loud - then, I'm done with it.

Hey, this flying thing feels pretty good!

and yes, I can!

You did well, Izzie! Keep doing what YOU wish to do.

Wise decision Izzie, one small step at the time and not a huge jump like this meeting would have been. Pleased G was understanding and supporting you. Keep on flying the way you are. Hugs. xx