On the edge and toppling off....

For muffin and sons...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5G5x3fpfpFI

Loved that song RHX

(((HUGS IZZIELIZ.))) XXX

Izzie,
Please take some time for yourself. You are a wonderful mother and friend.
Don't blame yourself for things you have no contro over. Thinking of you and R and hoping something good will come from this. I will say a little prayer for you and R. I am doing Ok with my foot since I had surgery. I am just now getting back into some of my shoes. I am now suffering from bursitis in my right shoulder. I had an injection and went to therapy three times last week so my shoulder is some better. Going to therapy takes up so much time plus I have exercises to do at home but as long as it helps that is what is important.
Take care and know that you are loved by all of your friends here.

Hey MizIz, take in all the love and strength you can from online friends - accept the help being offered by real-life supports.

Lotsa love there for you and your boys.

(((((((( Izz and her whole entire pack )))))))

Tulip... thanku - I don't know what I would have done tonight - the anger after today is all consuming, and I know I'm not well - but I know R is suffering more than I am.

Thanku everyone - I don't know what to say. I have spent all day researching the legalities of what is going on - just one F8ck up after another... each and every day he is there. His keyworker cried so much today - she let him down as the management decided to put red tape in her way - the inconsistency and lack of care for R is just mind-boggling.

They are holding a meeting tomorrow which neither my ex or I were invited to. Illegally - R has not been notified of this meeting. I received a phone call from the Care Leavers Team who asked if I were going to attend. I told him that I had not been invited and would not be attending a meeting without my son having not been informed about the meeting. This IS against the law.

The Social worker could not tell me WHO had called the meeting - he thinks it was education for a review of the statement of educational needs - which is out of date by 4 months - again, this is a legal requirement.

Today, they told R if he went back to The House at lunchtime he could go back fishing tomorrow night, overnite with a staff member. It's his half term, which of course it shouldnt be, and we didn't know, and they have no activities lined up, say they don't go to the bank until Thursday to get money for his food and therefore he cannot go. He has new staff in tomorrow - no-one he trusts.

Tonite he said the following to me which I am sending them. I have spent the whole nite looking at the SEN Code of Practice, Every Child Matters, The Care Leavers Act 2000.... it's all there... they just cant do this.


The conversation I have just had with my son and reported back to Klein. He does not want to be around people who say they are leaving because “I fancied a change of scenery”. He asks, what the * is he, a tree " this is his life not a scenic adventure. He does not want to be at Klein sitting there with people he does not know " all that was being asked for, and offered from his keyworker, was fishing on his half term (a half-term which he shouldn’t even be having as it is not the same as Devon Schools). No provisions have been put in at all for his half-term. He said he would rather be in a cell, at the police station, and if he "loses it", which he knows he is close to (which is why he asked to meet with Dr. S (pshychologist), jail would be better. He has NO understanding of what that means. Not a clue. He then said
QUOTE
“The best I could hope for is not to get raped in jail but it has to be better than this” " I find it hard to believe a child could even think or feel this... I just can’t allow this to continue.

Do you have any idea of what this is like for him?
Do you have any idea of what it’s like for me to hear him say this?

He isn’t bad. He doesn’t deserve to be locked up and locked away hoping not to be raped because he imagines being in jail is preferable to where he is. How is The House helping him?

Would you like to know what he did on Sunday night? Probably not. He listened to a suicide hotline on the radio for two hours. He told me all the stories he listened to. He told me how the people on the phone were saying “it will get better” “it will be alright”. He said that is all ‘he’ ever hears from everyone and nothing changes. Not in his head! Not in his perception of his life. He asked his keyworker tonite how many paracetamol do you need to take for it to be an overdose. He was calm, very, she told him a horror story fortunately.

Next, he phoned me up screaming and crying.

The other stuff is not presentable on this format. It's long and arduous and will make NO difference to what is happening here and now with R. It's breaking my heart. IT IS ALL SO WRONG!

They have asked to meet with me regarding my official complaint to the Local Authority on 6 November. It's all too late. It's all just too late.

You kill yourself to make things happen for your child, you get it all thrown back at the expense of the family and your child..... FOR WHAT!

Bring him home - their responisbility ends.... does our family?

He will be on contact tomorrow = proabably for the next 13 days.... fishing probably - he wont see any of his peers at all now - weill he survive it - will I surive it... I dunno. I hope the lawyer will contact me tomorrow.

I am hoping we will take him to FQsis next week... hope... hope...

I can't send my email of tonite until I know the meeting has started. THEN the have acted outside of the law. Then I will push the button.

I don't believe I have actually felt such animosity and ill-will towards "a systematic abuse of the law involving a vulnerable child". I have anger I have never experienced before.

I hope to tell you tomorrow I have a lawyer to fight for the rights of children. It's too late for my son. That destroys a peice of my soul. So much damage.

Bastards... bastards...what happens to those kids and elderly, disabled folk who don't have anyone to fight for them. What happens to them?


So tired, not well....I have to go to work tormorrow and then go to the lake. Pick up S-boy after school, ensure R has food (have ordered him a gas grill so he can cook bacon and eggs) and pay for the fishing, bait and whatever else. Me ex told me tonite - he wants nothing to do with any of this. He will not support me with a lawyer - he needs a life of his own.

This may be how he survives.... I do actually wish to punch him. How sad is that.

I. just. want. this. to. stop.

I.am.tired.

Gone bed. x

hugs and e-mail...

(then some milk)

((Izzie)) - thank goodness he has you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and R, Izzie. I know you are doing everything you possibly can. Sending you virtual hugs & hand-holding...

Much love,

Eva

R's father called me this morning to tell me he was going to the meeting.

This made me feel physically ill. I mean, I actually wanted to be sick at work.

He will have very little to do with R - will go along with R being in care and not fight in his corner. He will not have R at his house, near his girlfriend, near S-boy, leave alone allow R to ever stay with him. This is his choice. He does not fight for R - he puts in the token "I'm pissed at this and I'll write a rational and pointed email", all polite etc... - but it's just words - it sounds good - but he doesn't do anything else... he just leaves it, he just leaves R to flounder along saying he won't have R in his life anymore and these are all R's choices - he can talk the talk with the professionals, but has no action with what happens in R's life - he can go for weeks without even talking to R, just gets on with his life - it is always left to me to fight - he even disagrees that I should be fighting for R. It's not right. You all know what happened in the past with me and him when he fell apart after R's diagnosis. Bastard. I am so angry that he is seen as the rational one, the one who can sit down at meetings and be all nice and polite.... but behind closed doors - well, that was a truly different story. Yes... I am feeling bitter and angry...

He sent me an email this afternoon after I had text him telling him how dare he turn up to a meeting and talk on "behalf" of his son when he has told me he does not want R in his life - that's just bullsh!t. Just two of the points he wrote to me....

"Enough is enough - its not doing anyone any good, so its best if we try not to speak about R from here on in."

"For the record, I told all and sundry today at the meeting that you and I were at a complete impasse regarding R and that they would need to contact you directly on all information regarding education and care and that it cannot be assumed that we would agree on any future actions on either issue".

He believes R should stay in care, be left there, not have contact, and get on with it.

I cannot even think straight any longer.

I received an email from social services after my latest correspondence. All it said was
"Dear, thank you for this . I am concerned about the content of your attachment and will ask The House to respond asap. I will be in touch as soon as I have heard from them .
Best Wishes"


As for the meeting. It was an educational review. Apparently, as I said that I did not want anything to do with the last meeting and planning of an education that I have no say in and am not listened to, and with R not being present at the meeting either (i.e. the one held, then apparently cancelled, in September) that I will no longer be invited to any future educational reviews. I emailed them on 15 October asking for details of the meeting etc... no reply. I emailed Social Services about it. No reply. I asked his keyworker about it... she didn't even know it was taking place.

The law states
Your child's Head Teacher must invite:
the child's parent(s) or legal guardian(s). The Annual Review cannot legally take place unless the head teacher can show they have made numerous recorded attempts to encourage the parents to attend and have given a number of opportunities for this to happen. Parents or Guardians can take an Independent Supporter with them to the meeting.
The requirement to send documents to all those involved two weeks before a meeting is a legal requirement.




The lawyer didn't call me... I left a message. I rang the National Autistic Society... they told me I would have to call the Parent to Parent helpline. I've done all this before.... I've done this so many times. I rang the law firm who act for the NAS who act as advocates for children.... they only represent the NAS, not individuals.




Meanwhile... R is nite fishing. If anything happens to him it is my responsibility. It's sitting heavily knowing what he is listening to at nite.

I have S-boy here - it is so hard as I can't reconcile my feelings right now. We just ate a family size chocolate bar and I got a wig for him for "hippy day" at school on Thursday. I smile... I cry in the kitchen. Pathetic.

Good mother... bad mother.... not a mother

it makes no difference - I feel sh!t.

Just crawled back to me chair...(back is teaching me a lesson)

You are the embodiment of what a mom should be, Izz.

Keep the faith, hun.

(hugs)

Izzie, your ex is a very weak man, and a poor excuse for a father. Be glad he's not a bigger influence on your boys.

If Noddy were here, I'm sure she'd add, "Hold your dominion."

Izzie you are very, very brave, I cannot think that anybody could have a more loving and devoted mother than you are. Do not ever state you're a bad mother, we all know better. May tomorrow be a better day for you. {{{{Izzie}}}}.

I'm tired - need to pull up. FQsis is coming down with the girls for half term. R will be here with us.... can't wait for her to be here - it's been too long.

maybe Tulip, FQ and I will go out one nite... you know, just for a bit That would be good.

Thanks all. I will wring myself out having been such a wet blanket. Will get there in the end no doubt.

You love your children. You do what you can for your children. Feeling tired, or annoyed or angry does not make you a bad Mom - these are things that come with the territory. We ALL feel that way with our kids. Only - you have far beyond what is normal for a Mom...you need to give yourself a break. I am so sorry you feel so bad about it all....but I can't imagine why you wouldn't - just hoping you can find an answer for you R and S soon. Peace - I wish you peace, and happiness.
hugs to you hun...praying you get some rest and a lighter heart soon.
love you,
mis

As a matter of fact, "righteous anger" makes you a very good Mom. Especially in this case! Go get 'em!!! (But get some sleep first, 'k?)

Quite unbelievable the system... truly... completely gobsmackingly idiotic.

They have made a HUGE error today...

HUGE.... MASSIVE... GI-BLOODY-NORMOUS... and I have to remain quiet until tomorrow morning. That is hard for me to do.

R is ... k at the moment. He's still fishing! He is not "on contact".

Oh my.... these people are just incredibly ..... can't think of a word!

Quiet... I need to be quiet. Tomorrow I am conferencing with a lawyer at 10.30am. I hope she will become my son's advocate - the "system" may listen to lawyer talk!

I'm here, Iz-, listening and supporting, wishing I could do more. Haven't heard from my friend recently either. Hmmm. YOU are a wonderful, loving mother fighting for her children. I know you may feel weak, but you are stronger than you know! Will be waiting to find out what else you have to tell us on the matter.

So....

What did they do? HA... they covered their backside is what they did.

R was not on contact last nite.

I told them R was not on contact last nite.

They went to the lake, brought him a KFC bucket and paid for his overnite fishing.

The opposite to Sunday and Tuesday nites where they were told by management to call the police if he did not return to the House " therefore forcing me to say he was on “contact”.... or wait for the consequences when he was visited by the police in his bivvie at the lake....

I told them he was not on contact. The carer said he would take the consequences. R stayed out for another nite.

This morning, a staff member from another house rang me and asked when to collect him after his contact. I said he was not on contact and that he was in their charge last nite " that I had made it clear he was not on contact. However, the staff member from the day before (one who does care about R " one of the ones who is unfortunately leaving) had written in the log he was “on contact”.... clever a? He knew what he was doing " but he shouldn’t have falsified the log details. I shall take that up with him tomorrow. He’s a good kid " he just didn’t want to have to call the police on R.... so took money out of the petty cash tin without management approval " went to the lake and did the right thing for R. He really shouldn’t have written in the log that R was on contact " when that was not what we discussed. That was naughty!!!!!!!

Anyhoo.....R will not talk to a staff member that he does not know and has never had a conversation with. Therefore I have R here now because if he doesn’t return to the House " they will start the abscond procedure. i.e. call the police after 30 mins. Just how ridiculous is this system?

R is happy to return to the House tomorrow when the staff member (one who is leaving, the guy from yesterday) is on " but will not return to a place where he has never met the person there. One can hardly blame him. Would you? Would you want your child to be with someone they hadn't met? I have no idea who this person is. Never even heard her name mentioned before.

In a couple of weeks " R will have 7 new staff (dep manager is still off sick!)..... 7 out of 7.... people he doesn’t know... people he won’t trust, people he won’t talk to. His keyworker has asked to stay on for an extra 2 weeks as she believes this is not right for R. Apparently, the management have agreed to her staying. However, they put her on weekend shifts!!!!!!! R IS NEVER THERE AT THE WEEKEND. GOOD A??????????? Tossers... complete and total jerks.

So......

I have spoken to the lawyer " well, 2 actually! I have forwarded them all the details. It’s been an emotional day repeating the last few years of .... reliving November 2 years ago and all that has happened since. It’s so hard to even think about it... I can remember every last detail and still feel the pain the day the phonecall came through.

I don’t know as yet whether they will take it on and become R’s lawyer. I have asked them to be HIS lawyer.... he needs a legal voice now. He’s 16. I hope so.... but.... who knows. Yes " they were horrified. Yes " I have sent them all the recent emails. Yes " the House and Social Services have neglected their care of duty to R as he has not had a psych assessment since he has been at the House. I have not told R yet exactly what is happening... other than I am trying to get someone to fight for him legally.

He then says .... why can’t I just come home and live?

Why can’t he? I know the reasons. I think he does too. That’s so hard to reconcile. If he were here... what would happen. Thing is.... I just don’t know. He’s changed a lot. But that anger is still there..... he has better understanding of how to control his anger at times.... but 24/7.... how would I work, how would I take care of the little fella " R would need...... what..... education..... something..... HOW.... how would I do that..... when something goes wrong.... HOW? It could be the weather, or like today when he watches a fishing programme and the guy (Matt Hayes) casts out and IMMEDIATELY catches a fish.... and R says “Why the f* doesn’t that happen when I do it”.... yep, not in huge anger ..... but the anger is there.... and that’s just a fishing program. I went to pick up the little fella from school..... the questions.... how long will you be, where will you be, what do I do? You know... he just...needs information.

24/7... anger, frustration, normal teenage stuff, his Dad picking little fella up and not having anything to do with R " how would I do it. He’s huge. I can hear R and S at the moment on the playstation. One minute huge laughter.... the next R getting.... antsy... S-boy just agreeing with everything R is doing..... S-boy would have no life.... I mean... none " he worships his brother, adores him " and vice versa " they love each other so much.... they haven’t lived together for 2.5 years.... R walked in and turned on the TV and NickJnr was on " it peed him off so much that his brother would watch something so babyish. K " rambling now..... sanity!

As I was saying.... I still don’t know whether the lawyer will advocate for R. The “system” is a mighty powerful force to go up against. We’ll see tomorrow I guess.

R is fine here at the moment with S. I know it can change at a moments notice but I won’t send him back to the House when he will not know the “drafted in” staff member. It’s wrong. It damages him further. She isn’t even one of the “new” staff members even" she is just someone from one of the other houses. Quite incredible really. A stranger picking up a “looked after child” and expecting him to be all happy and grateful. They are pushing R into a kick off and expecting me to watch.... or sort it out. They admitted at the meeting that the placement was not working. YET THEY ARE DOING THIS NOW. HOW CAN THIS BE?

Hoping it will be alright tonite "I can hear laughter from upstairs then shouts of frustration from R on the playstation " yep " in the drop of a hat it can change " hopefully it will be coco. R will be home with FQsis and the girls, who are coming down for a few days on Saturday. Of course, the House do not have to take any responsibility for him whilst he is here " but then that’s the plan isn’t it " the management knew that when they didn’t have plans for the half-term or staff or even the courtesy to inform anyone, including the staff members, that R was on half term for 2 weeks. They are....... all....... twits.

Keep safe Izzie, I hope R has a good time with you X