On the edge and toppling off....

Making tea (extra strong)

Deep breaths.

You are doing it...

ox...y...gen

slow deep breaths

one at a time

focus forward

love you

((((( Izzie )))))

Forgive me if this is out of line... but an idea occurred to me and I thought maybe it was worth sharing. I haven't read everything about Ryan, and certainly don't know anything about him. But I gather he is an emotionally unstable young lad.

Anyway, it occurred to me that just as misery loves company, it may well comfort him to know that he is not alone... and that his way of seeing, feeling, and dealing doesn't make him some kind of pariah or mean that he isn’t good or can't become a very great man.

One such great man once said, "I'm the loneliest man in the world" and "If there's a worse place than hell, I'm in it." He worried endlessly about his own people and strangers alike. This same man once spent months on suicide watch in a state of utter depressed despair. He battled depression his whole life... and what a life it was.

This man's name was Abraham Lincoln. Aside from being a victim of chronic depression, he is known as one of the greatest, most influential Presidents of all time. He harnessed his incessant worries and wound up one of the champions of the dissolution of one of the most heinous institutions (slavery) ever visited upon mankind.

Virtually no one is in Lincoln’s league, but for perspective Terry Bradshaw comes to mind as well. He was a quarterback in the NFL, is a fella who's battled depression endlessly, even while earning 4 Super Bowl rings and heaps of honors and accolades.

I don't know what your boy's interest's are; but I'd wager there are people who have accomplished great things in related pursuits, despite having to deal with tremendous mental anguish. Perhaps it would comfort him to know this.

I don’t know if this is useful to you or not, and forgive me for talking out of turn if it isn’t; but it occurred to me it might be so I figured I ought to share.

Take care of you,
((((( Izzie )))))

Thanku Bill

You are not out of line in the slightest.

I welcome anyone's thoughts... to try and make sense of the world R has to live in.

R does have interests. Obsessively so. Whatever he chooses to put his mind to he will do brilliantly - many people know that - but even then, he can't see it. The slightest form of encouragement from anyone outside the family ensures that he will latch on that person.... and then those people break. As have we.

He could do anything Bill... if he chose to. He doesn't seem to be able to make that choice because whatever he takes on, as soon as something goes even the slightest bit wrong - that can mean that someone says something, or looks at him "wrongly" or he doesn't believe he is good enough - it stops dead in it's tracks.

That could change. I hope it will. He has started fishing again - it stopped for over 6 months - now, it's an obsession again. So it already is changing - good changing.

It's getting him to a point where he can believe he is not "bad", or "hateful" or any of things he believes himself to be.

He's such a good kid. He's just amazing.

You know - he would make the most incredible unbeatable lawyer - he can twist and turn any situation to suit his egocentric needs - it really is an amazing skill. He hasn't been educated since he was 11. He self harms and has the inability to allow himself to "feel" loved. He is so loved - he has the most wicked sense of humour, he's delightful and charming, sensitive, loyal to the point of his loyalty being dangerous, all in all - he's a wonderful young man. He's so lovable - I don't think there is anyone I have known, who when they 'see' the Ryan we know and love, hasn't liked, if not loved, him. Truly - he's special... really special. People want so much for him to feel as tho he is worth something. He is worth...everything.

He is so high functioning. HFA/Aspergers/Autism... none of the names matter - he's Ryan...

He is also very extreme - that makes him.... a danger to himself in the black and white world he lives in. The whole world revolves around him - the same as most teenagers, but then up it a zillion times - his egocentric behaviour is frightening.

He has matured. He has got more understanding than he used to in some areas - he is dealing with the "knocks" in a better way as he gets older. He is also 5ft 10" and has greater strength than any man I know... when his emotions are high... his instability shows through... that is when my fear becomes greater.

He hasn't had a girlfriend yet. He has "friends" who can drop him anytime... the knife edge he walk on is the same one that cuts him when he needs to control his environment.

He has such huge potential, as in the examples of the men you have said, in whatever he chooses to do..... I just have to find a way to get him on a path that he can find, that he will take responsibility for, to get to that place where he will accept himself as being a worthwhile human being. He doesn't need to do great things - I don't care what he does, if only I could say he felt "safe" in his world. We all wish our kids to be happy - I don't actually even wish his happiness per se.... I just wish for him to believe that he can be loved, that he is loved, that he can have a life, that he can "live".... and therefore, find some happiness and peace in his young life.

He doesn't live... he exists.... I need to find a way for him to just to "live" - where he can get the right help to deal with the extreme nature of his difficulties, to wake up in the morning and wish to be alive.

He could change the world if he wanted to.... he could be a professional soccer player if he chose to - he was an incredible athlete - right now, I just wish him to get through each day with as little damage to him as possible.... mentally, physically....


I really appreciate your thoughts Bill... I believe you may have experience with autism... maybe not, I might have misread something on another thread...

but if anyone can give me a way forward to help him find a way forward - I will listen.

So thanku. x



oh...

He has the most heart warming laugh... because when Ryan laughs - it comes straight from his heart - there is nothing false, or laughing to please someone else - it is laughter from deep inside. It is completely genuine. It is the best sound you can possibly imagine. I hear him laugh at times now. It's not all tears... he really laughs out loud.

Izzie big hugX F boy his flu jab today kept him off school and he came to archery with me. He really enjoyed it, S girl was not in a very good mood by the time I got back! But hey I bought a long bow and quiver and arrows! Ok, not what I should of done but there it is. Next is to get the targets and aim, so get those pictures ready girl we'll mentally fire them! Take care speak soon X

He sounds wonderful Izzie. You are wonderful, Izzie.
I spend a lot of time with my best friend's daughter who is severely autistic, yes... severe enough that it troubles her not at all. I don't think she'll ever even realize she's special... and I think that's a blessing. She is a happy, go lucky, lovable kid... but completely different from your R.

I wish you and yours all the best and hope R. can find his purpose to channel his energy into something he finds satisfying. Beyond suggesting a hero he could look up to, identify with, and hopefully try to emulate, I have no other ideas. I'll babble more if I think of any.

You're a wonderful mom, Izzie. Just don't forget to take care of you.
((((((( Izzie)))))))

hi MzIzz

combining O'Bill's recent thoughts ... and fishing ... has R ever had the opportunity to participate in an Outward Bound program? It might be an opportunity to prove himself in a way that he understands as translating into other settings.

It's been years, so the details are a bit foggy, but a friend used to be an Outward Bound leader/facilitator and he occasionally worked with a small team that took out very small groups of 'special needs' young adults. A tough job, but he found it very meaningful back in the day.

Been readin' up ... That sounds like a cool idea, beth! Bill, thanks for the reminders about Lincoln & Terry Bradshaw. Depression is one of my personal 'demons'. It's funny how it just helps to be reminded I'm not the only one!

And, Iz-, girl, you are a wonderful mother and advocate. When is the meeting? I hope you get ALL your questions answered and more. Ryan is lucky to have you in his corner! You are always in my thoughts and prayers. And we're always here for you.
So sorry to hear about your niece. We lost my brother-in-law to a brain tumor a few years ago. Saw the vid- on the other thread.
(((Iz-)))

My pleasure, Dev. A quick search revealed there's zillions of famous sufferers of depression. There's an impressive list on Wiki here

Hey Beth...

Yep, we've tried that - but he can't seem to be around the other kids. He doesn't .... didn't.... understand the general "language communication" - the non verbal - looks, tones of voices, body language.

He's got a lot better with that - and if we just get him to engage in something - that would be great.

He has had the opportunity of pretty much every sport and outdoor pursuit - he was into power kiting (his pysch nurse <hero>) got him into that..... he stopped when his psych nurse went. Football, fishing (school tutor <hero>) - stopped but just started again.... lizards (gv <hero>) - stopped!!!!

skateboarding, boxing, electric guitar, tried all the kinda cadets/air force stuff... weight training (still does - home alone - did go to gym - stopped)

as soon as he has done something, tried something - succeeded and the coach/mentor/trainer says something he doesn't understand, or they leave.... then it stops dead.

He worked with gv for a long time... when that stopped, we got him set up in another pet shop - he lasted 2 visits - it wasn't gv's shop!

It's all about "association" - person association, word association... he left O-College (the town we were living closest to in 2005) - he has never set foot back in that town - can't make himself do it. Or see any of the children he used to go to school with.

The latest I've tried to get The House to put thru is The Tall Ships... the Tall Ships Foundation will take him on - but he has to buy into it.... he won't - at the moment.

It's like he's scared to do anything, coz that means doing it with someone who he will then attach to, who will then leave him. He doesn't live in a world where people do jobs, have their own lives, etc... it's always about him. He would never do something "with" other kids, leave alone other special needs kids....

He joined the soccer team a few weeks back, got him registered and all that caboodle... however, he played 2 matches - he was on for just half the match because he's not as fit as he was, he took this to mean he wasn't good enough - he's now stopped. He's saying he has a groin injury. He doesn't want to play again.

Stopped boxing tho his potential was huge there. He boxes in the House with his punch bag... but he won't go back to the gym.

We have put.... lots of people have put SOOOOOOOO many opportunities forward to him - but he won't engage - because he won't do that "with staff" "with kids" - so now ..... he does nothing. No education. He's stopped seeing his "friends" for the last 10 days... but he did see one of the kids on Tues and Wed... so, that's something.

Fishing is back on the obsession list... it will be every Saturday nite now - on his own, at a lake, away from the world. If that makes him happy, that's fine...

but it won't get him a life.

I am going to ask him if I can approach the owner of the fishing place and see if there may be a part-time job there. He believes the owner hates him (this is because P can walk past him and not stop and talk and chat for half an hour or six hours).... P actually likes him a lot - but R thinks P hates him.

R has to buy into whatever it is.... it's getting him to have a go, to try something new...

I have a friend who is a tree surgeon - I could see R doing that, climbing up trees and giving them haircuts, chainsaw in hand (yeah, bit of scary vision <smiles>) - but whether he would try it.... I dunno.

It's so hard..... HE has to engage in something

how awful must it be to be so completely isolated in his world, with so much inside him, so much good and laughter and potential - yet his mind controls him completely.

Such a crying shame.



anyhoooooooooo....


Dev... my niece is good right now. She had 4 lots of brain surgery last year... the last being on my birthday and she came out of hospital on the nite of Dec24th! She has mri's every 3 months, has a shunt from her brain into her tummy, and a hole in her head for a quick entry point when the fluid starts to fill up. They can't operate because the lesion is too close to the brain stem. It's on a ventricle (no3) and blocks it... so then they have to find another way for the fluid to drain. But you know, this girl is just totally amazing. She NEVER complains, she carries on with life... she is just... an inspiration. She's so beautiful.

Here... she is doing her "borg" impression... pressure monitors inside the brain (ack) (not even a tear when they did it and she didn't break my hand either)



it's definitely like being in outer space when it happens - she get's very ill very quick... but, we know what it is... within hours usually she is operated on, and hopefully, we'll all be able to deal with the times ahead. She can... so we can. Her MOM is incredible too and is mighty strong and resilient (she's also someone I can call when I topple over, but I've only called her twice!). My little niece is... the best.

Hugs to you Izzie...hoping R finds his footing soon. Thoughts and prayers are with all three of you as usual.

Your niece is adorable. Just so pretty...amazing little girl.

Hi, all. Hey, Bill, thanks for the list! There are times when misery loves company - or at least likes to know it has company ... or something!

Iz-, your niece IS an inspiration. What a trooper. I'll put her in my prayers for sure.
All that about R, just WOW. I really hope and pray the best for him. I've really been thinking of you & him a lot lately. I can only imagine like you said:

(((Iz-)))

Hi all,

am just letting you know, not sure Izzie will post, She came to see me this evening and is not so good, lots of problems with Ryan and the care home. I tried to help best I could. I advised that it is now time to go public. She was in a bit of a state, not feeling well either.

Am worried about her and S also Ryan.

Izzie, we are here for you, I know you will read but maybe not post, I understand and if you nee me to attend meetings with you I will. Keep safe and those son's of yours. You do the best you can, that is all any of us can do. Mum said she'll come down and talk, she knows exactly what you are going through girl! X speak soon X

Thanks for putting us in the picture Tulip and trying to help Izzie, you're the only from here who can do that in person. Hang in there Izzie we're altogether in this with you until brighter days appear . (((Izzie)))

Thanks Dutchy, I know she holds A2K dear to her heart and you are all such a help to her X

Thanks for keeping us in the loop, Tulip. And, thank you and your mom for helping Izzie in all the ways you do.


MizIzz -- Always here with you, hun. Quietly sitting, listening on the phone, or just being closeby -- whatever you need and whatever works best.


(((((( IZZIE ))))))

JPB, we all do what we can X

Hugs, Tulip.

thoughts with Iz and the boys...

Thanks Tulip...I am again, so thankful Izzie has you there. Thoughts and prayers are with you both. Give Izzie a hug for me please....
(((TULIP))) , (((IZZIE)))

miss you Iz

Will do X You keep safe too X