On the edge and toppling off....

Why do I feel like I have got ten rounds already.

I'm not strong enough - sorry - I've rung everyone, I've emailed people, spoke to Social Services - I cannot tell you how much I despise those sanctimonious, inept, condescending, patronising, idiotic bastards... I actually despise them so badly that it pains me to think what I am thinking of them.

Social services have not spoken to psych AT ALL!!!!!!!!!! Not once. They have walked into the house and said stuff to R and have never even read a file, or any information.... NOTHING...

I have spoken to psychologist - he hasn't had any contact with the House for months - nothing. No knowledge of what's going on. No knowledge of the plans afoot. The people who told us how "serious" R was.... what kind of "help" was needed.... no contact with them.. none

Have spoken to ex-hub who is in China - I couldn't hold it together - we think differently - we both feel like ... well, that doesnt matter.... neither of us feel good... but we just deal in different ways - he does it his way, i do it mine - we are trying to live but this is something we can't reconcile. I know that sounds stupid - but it's true. It hurts so so much.

Every nite he wakes up thinking about R, as do I, how we lost our family - how we try and hold our family together, albeit separately, how we look after one child and how we get others to look after the other - no balance, how we move forward, what we can do... even writing it I can't stop crying - I wish it would stop hurting - I can't 'not' talk to R or cut him off - my ex can - but he still suffers in his way

I told R today the social worker would not talk to me (the social worker hung up on me because he didn't like my tone - he said he told R the things he did to try and bond with him - f*cking jerk) - so R did call him (that took a lot) - the social worker told him he was on a Section 20 which means his parents can take him out of care any time they wish...

great...

i know that, i live with that every day - i don't want him there... so, do I bring him home - ex-hub will fight me on that because of the little fella - it puts our lives possibly in danger - or would it.... they told us R would commit suicide - he hasn't - would he kill me - I don't think so - would he kill himself - I don't know - I just don't know - when he's fired up, maybe, in anger, do I bring him back and take that risk now - the experts - "so-called" experts have no involvement - the carers come and go and babysit him - he's not being educated, he's being maintained - then... what... what happens...

social services say he is definitely NOT meeting any criteria for adult services - how can that be? so he goes from where he is.... "protected".... protected from what? himself? them? out into the world for independent living.... supported living... into the 6th form with 2500 other kids at the school... can you imagine.... can you even imagine what will happen... but that's what he wants to do, so they tell him, "yep R, we'll get that sorted" - not even a little chat to the psych to find out what's going on, but then the psych hasn't seen him -do they understand what they are doing to him....? No, of course they don't.

yesterday his keyworker, D, who is leaving (she's a kid - very early twenties, if that) told R she and her friend are going to set up a bar and when they do he can go work there for work experience.

i.just.don't.understand.why.she.would.say.that.to.him! Youth, inexperience. Wrong.

R has begged to come home today - he knows it wouldn't work and he worries about what he would do - but he says that would be better than staying where he is....everyday with people he doesn't know, doesn't trust, sitting in his room on his own. I understand that.

there has to be a better plan - i can't figure it out - i'm asking

i rang the Director of Social Services today... they told me I need to talk with Children and Young Peoples Services - I am going to arrange a meeting to try and get someone to start asking questions...

but it won't make a difference... it never did, it won't now

i also called a solicitor to see if i can hold social services accountable for not checking on what the house are doing, not getting the right employees, the right education, the right something... something to make a difference.... something to do something right for once

my ex asked me what i hoped to gain from this...

simply, that this never happens to another child... or another family

i rang the house and asked for the telephone number of R's psychiatrist. they refused to give it to me.

i have written a really awful email. i haven't sent it yet - but am angry enough to do so. i will wait until i have spoken to CYPS tomorrow

i've already done the MP thing

it's already been to the House of Lords... or parliament... I can't even remember which one now - years ago

and still - years later it's the same battle...

mental health is invisible except to those who see it in the family

everyone else who sees it, turns around and walks out the door

including family

i know... it's just a bad day today... i've been having a few of them... i'm trying to get a balance

when you hear every day how awful your childs life is... and you can actually see it too... not that he's destitute or wants for anything, not that he's being physically or anything like that... but this is in his head... it's what he feels, he hates himself, he thinks everyone hates him - it's hard to just carry on each day and it all be coco all the time

it doesnt feel it

i just want some peace again... it come and goes... it's gone far away right now

i wish someone would understand what i'm saying.... i can't find a balance... two children, one has it all - mom, dad, school, friends, home, the normal stuff,

the other has none of that... and not thru his conscious choice

but through our choices

i can't balance how that can be right.... how to accept it... because each day he tells me how wrong it is... and i understand that

and though everyone says it was the right thing to do at the time, is it the right thing now ... what have the last few years been about

it all seems horribly wrong

i wish it would all be quiet in my head

how do i stop hearing it, or hear it a different way when R tells me how much he hurts

i need to hear it a different way

i was for a while - but i just hear the sad awful side of it... and now, it happens again - we go thru the process again - we fight again - for what

i'm sorry... just all cried out, tired

little fella is poorly - not been at school... i made him sad when he saw me crying...

bloody hell

Oh Izzie. You hang in there. I have no words...no wisdom - except to tell you how amazing you are and to keep at it for you and R. ((IZZIE)) - I am frustrated for you and R...It has to be the most overwhelming and helpless feeling. I continue to pray for something to turn up to answer your questions and solve the issue at hand - something that will get R settled and you peace of mind.

Love you hun.

You have asked yourself EVERY tough question possible about your older son, Izzie. You have thought this issue completely through.

We are all praying this comes out okay, Izzie. I do not know what more you could possibly do.

Bl**dy hell is right! Wishing we could all do or say something to make it better. I can think of no words to comfort you, my friend. I am praying for you, and R and the whole situation. I can imagine the pain you feel. Please know you are loved and supported here.

Dear Izzie I'm endorsing Dev, wandeljw and Mismi's words, feel hopeless we cannot do more for you. Peace my friend. (((Izzie)))

me too -- wishing there was more we could do. Sending hugs and moral support from here.

ya know where I'm at X

Yes you are strong because we have to be, we are Mother's of children that cry out for our need. I know that our bodies fail us but somehow, some where we find that bit extra, where? Well I don't know we just muster on because if we don't no one does. You do what you can, by any means.. My Mum has gone through this too with my brother. No you don't bring him home, as much as you want, need to because that then put you and S in jeopardy. Highlight this to all on sundry, get papers, MP don't let it drop. It doesn't matter that it has gone to Parliament keep going.

If you have R home it still won't work, believe me I know! Been there, worn the T shirt! You need to look after you and S, I am not saying forget R but the ball is now in some one else's court! Yes, I know it is hard, yes I know it hurts, yes I know he is your son! But if you go down, how can you help then?

I know you might not like what I say but I do understand, I do and my heart go's out to you. Keep safe.

Just remember you have friends that you can scream and shout to and that is what you need, then you will be weary but we will be here to keep you going. X

More thoughts, more prayers.

I know Tulip...

I know you and your mom know, i understand what your mom went thru, you love S-boy not just because of your son, but because you see and know what he goes thru... you were him

I look at your mom and think how did she ever do it... how did she ever get so strong to do what she had to

we shouldn't have to do that... we shouldn't have to do that to our kids

i feel like i am giving S-boy a life and taking away R's.... and I can't stop it

I'm screaming so hard


i just feel like my heart is being ripped out

i feel so sick, i'm just so tired of every day

i know i'm being crap and i know i will pull back up

right now, i could wish to be on the moon and it would still hurt...

i gotta change my mindset, i know that

my body won't co-operate, my head won't quit wondering "why"

and when i figure out a way to deal with it, then something else gets in the way... now, it's idiotic stupid stupid stupid social workers who know jack sh!t about him and go in causing more damage.... WHY???????

they won't stop and i can't sit back and just let them do more damage

but they do what they do and when something happens they say "oh well" - idiots

so much fighting for his rights.... for what... so they can just say "oh, go into mainstream school now" - because he's 16, we don't get a say...

and the classic

June 2009 - R is out.... NO ADULT SERVICES... he doesn't meet the criteria


I DON'T GET IT.

sorry... thanku everyone... sorry i've not replied

(((IZZIE)))

I wish I knew what to say, dear Izzie.

R is so lucky to have you for a mom, whether he realizes it at the moment or not. So many other parents would have given up by now. What a very strong person you are, and what amazing love you have for your boys. I really admire you for it. I wish I were there...I'd give you a big hug right now.

Thanks for the check-in hun...

warming some milk

At a complete loss for words.

All I have to offer is love, hugs, and prayers.

(((((( Izzie ))))))

( You are stronger than you realize )

JPB......thank you very much.

Steeling myself for when I get home to make another "big" call.

Got an email today. Interesting.

Psychologist obviously listened to something I had to say. Questions.

Gonna send my "awful" email... think I should just do it and see what happens then.

Little fella still sick.

No doubt I will be all wierd again later... will be back.

I'm here and listening

email forwarded to me after my telecon with the psychologist yesterday.

Dear House


I note that you sent an email to me on 13 Oct 2008 informing me of the pending staff changes at The House. I am actually away from work this week but received a phone call from Mrs C yesterday (14 Oct 2008), which I will outline below. I promised to document and share her concerns and frustrations with you and I would kindly ask you to forward this email on to Mrs C as evidence of my conversation with her.



I am sorry to hear about the resignations. These are significant members of staff who have had positive relationships with R. It is important to remember that a consistent approach to working with R can be maintained, as informed by the placement plan, which the deputy manager has worked hard to update.



It would be helpful to understand the reasons for the staff resignations, particularly as they have come at once. I would be interested to know whether it was a coincidence of personal reasons or a consequence of workplace issues arising from The House that need addressing. It may be helpful to review any issues that have arisen to identify ways in which we can learn from experience, in view of a new staff group starting. It may be appropriate to share some of the information with R to offer a more tangible explanation for the resignations, to avoid him attributing any unnecessary sense of blame to himself.



Mrs C expressed understandable concern and frustration in respect of the resignations (which she told me is now confirmed as 3 members of staff) and felt it fundamentally challenged the ethos of the placement at The House, which has strived to maintain consistency and predictability. Whilst it is of course ideal for R to have a familiar and consistent staff team, I understand there can be a host of reasons why staff come and go, which we can have little control over at times. As I have mentioned above, the placement plan offers a framework for understanding and delivering a consistent approach to working with R at both The House and at home, regardless of who is working with him.



During the phone conversation, Mrs C told me that the Care Leavers Team has informed her that R will not meet the criteria for adult services. Her understanding is that the placement at The House will cease and that R is being considered for mainstream education at Tcollege. I was unable to comment on this as I have not been made aware of such a decision.



Mrs C was also concerned that the ‘professional network’ (essentially myself and the psychiatrist) has not been consulted as part of this possible decision. I explained that I work on a consultancy basis and have contracted hours across the organisation and that I am not allocated as R’s psychologist. Furthermore, the Care Leaver Social Worker is the transitional social worker and presumably will be taking the lead in future planning of R’s care. Mrs C was keen to know when I last met with R and I informed her that certainly over the last 4 months R has chosen to decline any meetings with me. For that reason alone I have not had the opportunity to speak with R and understand his current issues and my involvement has become increasingly indirect via the staff team.



I feel I am unable to comment further on any of the issues raised by Mrs C until I can understand more fully what is happening at present. I would be extremely grateful if you could update me regarding issues at The House and R’s proposed move that Mrs C spoke about.



I am officially away from work until Fri of this week but felt it was important to document the phone call I received yesterday. I will make sure I continue to check my emails between now and Friday. Please do not hesitate to contact me should you wish to discuss any matter further.



Kind regards

Dr

Chartered Clinical Psychologist


my email to the House is sitting in the draft box... I am hesitant to send it, but think I am going to have to, in order to get the point across.

Ex is not prepared to fight any more at this point. That's what he has to do to survive, he says. He has no answers or suggestions - so he is now leaving it to pan out however it will.

Waiting for a solicitor to call. If I go up against social services for their lack of "following up"... whatever you wanna call it, and their complete neglect of information to the Care Leavers Team, their neglect in making decisions about R when they have not consulted any of the professionals.... then I will need legal representation.

I don't know how to do this.

I don't even know that I can.

I guess I'll find out soon.

I'm really not well - don't know what's wrong, just ... not well.

It's understandable Izzie...How you do what you do I'll never know. You are a strong and amazing woman. I would thing the Dr. needs to get off his duff and find out what is going on since it seems he is somewhat clueless. I am so sorry - my thoughts are with you hun. Praying for you R and S today. Wisdom and discernment - praying for them both. It has to be unbelievable the stress you are under...hugs hun...big hugs.

Love you,
missy