On the edge and toppling off....

I got hold of the knot... jeez this is so hard at times. I'm so tired of pulling up. Of course I will... I value life. Its just so hard at times.



Missy - k hun... i don't normally use vehemence, i should have been less vehement... i don't like people who come across as tho feelings arent important. they are. yours especially. and thanku mis... thanku. x



the sweatshirt... i slept in his sweatshirt - it was chilly under the moon. it came down to my knees.... i loved his "old" sweatshirt it has "stories" it made me "home" with my family there. RH gave me a special t-shirt to bring back here... I wear it all the time. He is a very generous, kind and loving man. He's straight from the soul.

You are sleepy, and yer memory is getting foggy.

I'm an Ogre.

GO Bed

(with a hug, of course)

Ogre my eyeball...

Hugs Izzie - do what Rock says and get some sleep -

G'night, Iz-. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

keep holding on, MizIzz.

love you!

You too Dev..... and mis.... and RH.... and JPB... and Alex....

you all sleep too - and have good days.

tired, so tired.

nite crew. x

Sweet dreams.

I know nobody's around but I need to say this even if it's just to empty cyber space. Forgive me for dumping it here. It's after 1 am and I don't know where else to put it.

Love is not really kind. Ya know? As hard as it may seem to someone on the outside, I did love the man in my life that abused me. He was my first love and I loved him so deeply that when he became the monster, what hurt the most was the feeling of death. Even though he was alive. The man I fell in love with...was no more. That hurt far worse then any beating. Letting go. Falling back out of love ... at the fists of someone you believed in with all of your heart.

A far greater love to know than his was the love I gave my child. Whom I lost also. No expression of words can tell of that pain. I carry that everyday.

Time marches on to the beat of a different drum. After all that, I could still fall in love. This time to the exact opposite of my abuser. Michael was gentle. Understanding. Patient. And he opened me back up, petal by petal .. like a delicate flower. Painting his love on me and bringing me back to life. Showing me what love was really supposed to feel like. I loved him in a way that you can't even put into words. Then he died. Car accident. He died instantly. No goodbyes. He was just gone. Taken away. Part of me went with him.

Been so moody today. I just looked at the calendar. October the 11th. I hate that day. I just hate it hate it hate it. But didn't realize till a little bit-a-go that it was almost here again. That was the day he died. That day does horrible things to me.

The irony is.... I'm losing somebody else that I love because I can't seem to open the doors that need opened for us to keep moving forward. I'm just so tired inside. As much as I want love .... I don't want it. It has not been kind. Far easier to hold back and not have to feel that god awful pain. And I'm losing him about the time that I lost Michael.

And I'm just tired.

I give up.

Truly. I just give up

I give up

No more

Please

Anniversaries can be very painful.

I'm sorry that you're having such a bad time of it, Brooke.

~~~

I've written somewhere here about how much I appreciated learning about the Jewish traditions of death and burial after Cavfancier died.

There was a second ceremony at the gravesite about six months after he died. When the rabbi spoke to us, she explained that the purpose of the first ceremony had been to allow us the time to grieve, and the second gathering was to help and encourage us all to understand it was time to move forward. Not to forget, but to accept.

I wish more traditions had a similar way of allowing and encouraging the initial grief, and then explicitly telling us to move to the future.

It's hard to just have to force ourselves fully into, and through, grief on our own. Community support <nods>, acknowledgement and acceptance don't make the grief process easier, but sometimes they make it possible.

((((Brooklyn...))))

oh hun...

please don't give up...

we can't give up.

Brooklyn - you have a strong faith - keep that faith with you right now.

I have to go to work - I'll be back in a few hours - will write you my friend... i love you sister xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

JustBrooke I'm very much moved by your post, and understand the feelings you're experiencing but please don't give up. I also have such a fateful date, when I lost someone very close to me, but I have learned to live with it even though my heart is badly scarred, life goes on. Don't punish yourself to much over what has happened, we can't bring back the past but think about the good things you've experienced with your loved one. I'm sure you'll find happiness and love again. (((Brooke)))

((BROOKE))
((IZZIE))
((DUTCHY))

Thoughts and prayers to you JustBrooke.

Errrrrrm.... too close to home to be be public here... just one thing after you read your email...



are you losing "him".....?

or are you losing "you"?


STAY TRUE TO YOU.... Brooklyn - you cannot give up darlin' - the people who you love and who love you.... they need you to hold on to who "you" are - your family, your friends... and whomever else holds your heart..

No... it hasn't been kind. It may seem easier to hold back....

IT ISN'T.

It hurts just as much, if not more. I promise you...

and I very rarely make a promise any longer.


I can truly say I love you girl. That feels good. x

Oh, Brooke, honey. I'm so sorry for your pain. (((Brooke)))
Right here for ya, hon-, to listen or just hold your hand.

It's amazing how we all have our pain and yet we can all be here for each other. We here are truly friends. There is love and caring and sharing of our hurts. We have a most precious bond.

((((((((( Brooklyn )))))))))

OMG, Brooklyn... that is such a tragic story... and such crappy timing for you. I so wish I could ease your pain, if even a little. I can tell you no one worthwhile would fail to understand you're going to need some space on the anniversary of your lost love's demise. No one.

That being said; you mustn't give up. Not on life. Not on love. Not on your friends. Not on anything you truly want.

Grieve as you must, and don't you dare feel an ounce of guilt over doing so... but please remember that you are a victim no more. Your story is the saddest I have ever heard, but your story is far from finished. You are the author of your future, darlin. You have the power to make of it what you will. Whatever you do; don't forget that. And for the love of God, don't ever give up.

((((((((( Brooklyn )))))))))

I'm a little embarassed for laying myself wide open. Normally I hold things in and deal with em'.

Beth - Iz - Dutchy - Alex - Mis - Dev - Bill ..... Thank you. I don't really know what to say. Except, each one of you are special. Just ... thank you.

Iz ...... I got your email. Thinking it through before I answer. You gave me much to think about.

Thinking of you hun - always - especially today...


xox

It's ok. Really. Other than feeling like I could cry if someone so much as says "boo" to me ... I feel strong. What is it they say about tears? Something like ... tears are the words the heart can't express. Or something like that. So they must be a good thing.

((( Iz ))) Thank you

Take good care of you today, darlin.
((((((((( Brooklyn )))))))))