On the edge and toppling off....

hey dev,

I sent you an email yesterday before I left. dunno if it landed in your trash or your inbox but I'm back and will sit with you there or here as you wish.

Oooh, ya know what? It might have been in my junk mail and I may have accidentally deleted it. Will you send again? I promise to be on the look out for it this time! And I cherish your willingness to sit with me.

done

Funny..... haven't been here in a while.... toppling

not here now either....

which is strange.

I know - not making much sense a?

I don't think I need to be here right now.

Not for me anyway.

Just needed to pop back to remind me.

DONE.











Dev - always here for you my friend - know it is awful trying to crawl back up - especially when your knees are skinned, your head hurts, your hands are tired from trying to hold on and the mud keeps bogging you down. You will find your way out of the mire - it won't disappear - but it will become the past. You're in limbo land right now hunni - wanting to step forward, but not seeing the right direction to take - so the bog keeps you held back - but one day, and hopefully soon, the sun will come out, the bog will start to dry up a little and you'll find a foothold. We're all here for you hunni - reach up when you can.... we can't join you down there coz that will be of no use to you - but we can hold out our hands to you and pull you clear just as soon as you are ready. No timeframe. We're not going anywhere - we're just close by whenever you need us.

These folk are the best - and so are you - one day, when you are doing your counselling with people who need your help - you will have a huge insight into their dilemma - not their personal experiences - but how they feel - and in so doing - you will be able to help them if they allow you to.

Keep strong girlie - you are doing great - just day by day .... no rush.

Lovin ya xox x

Iz-, I'm so happy for you! I can't wait to be out there, up there with ya. Can't happen soon enough, but oh so happy for you! Thanks for holding my hand. And btw, I wouldn't ever want any one of you down in here with me. Wouldn't wish it on a soul, and you're right, it wouldn't do me any good. You're description is so right on. Wish I could have you write for me some times!
Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your support - hand-holding, hugs, tea & sympathy... You are the greatest! I'll get outta here - in time. (Not as soon as I'd like to, I'm sure! But I'll get out and sing, dance and carry on with the rest of ya!

Hey, Dev.

I'm kinda quiet (till I'm not), but I'm here as well, and sipping my Earl Gray. (cream and honey, however)

hugs, girl...

Thanks, Rock - You rock!

No rush hunni - there's no way to stop the feelings - they will come and go as and when you find different ways to turn - you need to be able to feel what you are in order to find a way to deal with. It's not so easy to figure out. If it were - we'd all live in the nice little idealistic world we hope and pray for - but that doesn't exist.... it is what it is.

You are strong girl - stronger than you imagine - the fact you are talking takes a strength - its the first step to dealing .... you have taken leaps and bounds already tho it won't feel like it. You took that memory, put it out there and slowly you will stamp on it and when you're done... leave it in the past where it belongs. It will make you stronger within and give you more focus to what you want from life. Harder to do when you have family and everything else going on around you - but YOU...only YOU will do it. I know you will. No matter how long it takes - and you'll be singing and dancing badly with me soon. I'm sure I can hear you singing a little already.... and hun - the world dances with me every day.... you're right there too, even if you're just tapping your toots.

Good onya Dev - you're gonna be coco!

Hey Rock - you sip you tea wonderfully - even with cream and honey!!! Love ya x

Thanks for that, Iz-, thank you. Somehow you make me smile and cry at the same time!

I gotta listen to my own words. Right now I need to blog from a bog.... I bought a box - I know what this means - no-one here does... I need to fill my box and I need to find another direction when I don't want to and put the box in a special place - don't know if I can at the moment. I'll be back to talk when I can - all these thoughts racing around and I can't stop them. Not toppling... no no no... not toppling - wouldn't do that to our Noddy - just..... musing about my box. Not sure how to fill it - hurts just to think about it. Got to feel it to deal with it - just don't want to feel the heart hurt I know is already there - it's been nearly a year - as much as I love and am loved - I hurt and am being hurt. My fault - I allowed it. I'm choking right now.

Just a few little words ... just a few to start the tears and they can't stop. My smile for life is huge... my smile for letting go of my love destroys a part of me. Maybe it's time. I have a box.

No need to ask. I will write when I can. I need to figure this on my own. No-one has ever understood - not this. Health...no worries, that's shot but all coco. Wealth - rich in life and people, no dosh - HA, that's fine too. Happiness - much, blessed, but my heart broke nearly a year ago - I've been pretending it was whole - it felt whole ... the missing piece needs a box.

It's k - I'm just thinking out loud... that's all. If I don't think out loud now - I will allow myself to pretend a little longer. My kids tell me every day ..... ah.... that doesn't matter - they don't understand either.

We're here, Iz-. In your own time.

Some things are more dangerous if they're put into a box.

S'true.

Some things would be easier if they could be tidily packed away but they can't be handled like that.

Life's not easy and tidy that way. Emotions, feelings, love, trueness, caring. They're not tuck-away-able in the long run.

Really quite messy at times Beth - you are right...

Iz - you will get there sweet friend.

Hi all! Hugs to my dear friends here. I'm feeling rather detached lately. I'm trying to get back into my life, but the anxiety doesn't like it! I know I'm supposed to be happy for small victories, but it's sure hard to give myself kudos just for taking a shower! I ask myself how DID I get here??! Does anyone understand this craziness? I'm trying to hang in there, I really am. I just want to be me again!
Sorry. I'm thinking of you, Izzie. Hope all the coco things are still coco, and that the box thing will get sorted in time. (((HUG)))

Hi all. Doing a bit better today. Yay. Trying to just get out there and do my stuff, a little bit at a time; baby steps, I guess.

Hey Queenie - detached is OK hun - sometimes detaching is easier that staying attached to that which can hurt. You can't wholly detach - coz... well, everything is still around you... but distancing it for a little - well you do what you can to get thru hun. You need to deal with it sometime... but sometime obviously isn't right just now. And that's alright - really. How did you get there? You didn't go there on purpose. There are maybe folk who live in the black and despair.... you're not one of them Dev - you're just taking a look into the past right now and circumstances are bearing down - you'll come thru it - you shine ... so you'll head back towards the bright and shiny just as soon as you are able. No timeframe. It'll happen when you are ready. The more you force it, the more screwed you feel. Tighter and tighter. When you feel the grip loosen a little then you can make those steps forwards.

Day at a time.... no rush.

You've managed to go out. You managed to go back to school. These are big achievements. Maybe not to everyone - they may seem minor. But for you, right now, in the place you find yourself, they are huge.

You will be you again... but you'll be a new and more understanding you, a stronger you and a more independent you - you'll have broken free from the chains holding you back.

Slowly girl... you are loved no matter what or how long it takes. x

Thanks for the reminder, Iz-. I really needed that more than you know. I've been here before, but it was a while ago. It's hard being back again. Yes, what you said is true. It never happens at a "convenient" time, does it? (Dang it!) And how are you, my ray of sunshine friend?

I lost a piece of my heart...

listening when you're ready.

HUGS!