On the edge and toppling off....

Thank you, JP Ok, time for some truth tellin' for me. It's really hard for me to be open with the way I feel, but here goes... With all that's been going on, I've become sort of 'agoraphobic'. I've kind of been keeping myself inside & away from people. I haven't been out for the daily power walks I usually take in a long time. Today the fam- wants to go to the beach. I want to go to the beach. I've been working up to it for the past week. I know this is crazy, but I'm sitting here scared sh*tless about going! I know it's not rational. I know I will be fine. I know this is a crazy "Jekyl & Hyde" thing with me. I really don't like being back in this place in my head again. I wanna be me! I'm going to go. I just want to be myself! I want to have fun. I don't want to feel like a beached whale. Oy! This all just seems so stupid as I'm writing it out. I'd better go get ready before I lose my nerve! Thank you for listening to the rantings of a crazy woman. I hope I can get back to myself sooner rather than later. I miss me.

You are not a mad woman hun - you are protecting yourself any way you can. Most know here that I had a big problem going out after my surgery.... and after last October. I must have only left the house a dozen times, if that, since Feb - and only for hospital appointments or to see Tulip. It took for me to force myself into a situation - ie. jump on a plane with 300 other people and fly to the USA to make me get out. I did it for a reason - it worked. Talk about extreme measures. You can do this - you will have to force yourself - but only when you are ready. Maybe today is the day - I hope so. Tomorrow you may want to lock down again - that's OK - when the kids go back to school and you HAVE to go out - you will - but for now, you are doing whatever it takes to protect yourself - you've trusted us with what has happened to you - you also feel you may be judged - by us or whoever - but you aren't here and won't you be anywhere else hunni - you did nothing wrong - you were a victim - you will get through this with time, but right now, day at a time.

If you need to lockdown and shutaway - then do what feels comfortable - I completely understand that feeling - try and keep talking - remember, we are holding your hand wherever you go.... you have friends hunni - JPB will see you as soon as she can - you will get back to being you, but this time, it will be the you that you CHOOSE to be, without the cobwebs and working on putting the past away and going forward in a different direction - one that's free of the bad memories. Take care girlie... love you x

dev, I do hope you go to the beach today and I do hope that once there you're able to lay down on the sand and feel the warmth of the sun. Let yourself feel what you're feeling. It's ok to feel the pain. But, also allow yourself to feel the warmth. Not only the warmth of the sun, but the warmth of the people who care about you and are holding your hand as you take each day one at a time.

But keep writing and talking it out Dev. The demons are less fearsome when they are out there where you can see them--they can hurt you much less there than when they strike and retreat into the shadows and you can't see them coming. What you are feeling is real--all feelings are real. The trick is to know that what triggers those feelings may not be real. And in time, the therapy of laying them out there for examination may indeed help. Or you may need some short term help or correction of a minor chemical imbalance to put things back into perspective. The fact that you know you are 'not right' is proof certain that you aren't crazy. You've just hit a bad patch and this too will pass, but it is most likely a good thing that you aren't ignoring it and pretending that it is not there.

Thanks, all, for the encouragement. We haven't left yet. Huge family row. So much going on. Mama in a tizzy, daddy got mad at kiddies. All I could do was go in my bedroom and shut down. Just couldn't handle it.
We're getting ready to go (again) shortly - tho it's 3pm Oh well, I won't get as burnt, right?

Three to four in the afternoon is the perfect time. Last time I went, it was early morning. I fell asleep, and woke to a dog licking my face. I will not finsih that story.
Mrs Devriesj, you are not crazy. Just vocal. If perceived as stable people ,were vocal, you'd think they're all crazy.
Hang in there. Count your blessings.

Thanks, alex. Good advice from a cool head, and just what I needed to hear ... Count my blessings. I shall do that, as they are many indeed!

Just been for a walk along the beach and was thinking about you Dev. I was rugged up and pacing furiously to get warm, you're in a hot sun and getting a tan, what a difference. Make the most of it whilst you can it will be winter before you know. We're all here to give you a helping hand, hang in their girlie and keep talking it will make you feel so much better venting all those frustrations. Hugs and vibes from downunder.

Thanks, Dutch. It's nice to be thought of!
Well, ... not having such a good day here today. I'm sitting here crying and I'm not even exactly sure why! I guess I was just hoping to be done with the anxiety and depression, wishful thinking I know.
Yesterday the weather was so nice, and even though we didn't get to the beach 'til almost 4pm it was really nice. Before that we stopped off at friends who just had a baby a week ago and brought them dinner. The baby was so beautiful and he slept while we were there making those sweet baby dreaming faces...
I think I mentioned that before we left the house things went to cr*p and the whole house was in an uproar. I'm glad we managed to pull it together and get out.
After beach, hubby and I went shopping as we needed a few essentials, and I wanted something to wear for our anniversary dinner. I haven't bought anything new in ages. I HATE trying things on, an though I'm not huge, I have a terrible self-conscious thing about how I look. I don't know, maybe I'm traumatized from the clothing shopping?! I did find a nice dress. (I just wish I was a bit thinner!) Anyway, thank you for listening to my rant. I feel very confused and out of focus. It helps to write it down.
Oh, and instead of dinner tonight, I forgot that Thing 2 has a counseling appointment. I have no way of getting in touch with hubby - I know he's going to be unhappy about that. Maybe that's why I'm feeling anxious. My nerves are just on edge... I'm gonna go try to stop crying now!

Alex is right - if most of us were more vocal we would seem a bit crazy as well. I have times where I cry for no apparent reason...generally it is how I realease pent up stress or emotions that I have been trying to hold steady for kids or until alone - whatever. Dev you are so precious - please just do what you need to take care of you and your family. We are here and are willing to listen whenever you need us.

I have an artistic temperment - I have struggled my whole life with ups and downs. And it may be turning into a bit more of a problem. My Gran was bi-polar...that is always in the back of my head. Just take it one moment at a time. That seems to make the dips more manageable for me. I kind of seclude myself and just do what I have to then I find myself coming out of it and am able to function more normally. We all handle our stressors differently - but we all have some way of dealing with them.

I am a bit A.D.D. today - very scattered in thought and focus..so if the above makes no sense - please disregard it - but know that I am thinking and praying for you! Hugs,mis

Totally made sense to me, mis-, and thank you. You guys are like a life line to me, that bit of rock I hold onto when I feel like I'm just going to fall into the abyss! (Depression runs in the women in my family too, mis-. yay)
For some reason, right now I'm just anxious for when hubby gets home. He doesn't take change in plans very well. He'll be disappointed, like I am, about dinner. But we can do it tomorrow night. Besides, hopefully I'll feel better then!
Hugs back!

Dev I'm sure hubby will understand your position, can't cancel counselling appointment at the last minute. Enjoy the dinner tonight, what's a day difference in 18 years, if I told you the many anniversaries I missed through work commitments, you'd be wondering why my wife haven't divorced me yet. LOL. Put on that new dress, forget your worries and go and enjoy your favourite food. That lobster is still waiting for you. lol

Hubby and Thing 2 made the appointment. Dinner will wait 'til tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel better then.
Ah, Dutchy, too bad the good lobster is at the really expensive restaurants we can't afford right now, and I just don't appreciate the kind at the national chain. But dinner will be yummy. I'm sure of that.

Hey Dev - I'm thinking of you - will be back in Texas tomorrow - hopefully we'll talk on yahoo msngr on Wednesday. Loving you girl - keep holding hands k!?

Thanks, Iz-. It's good to hear from you! Glad you're having a fab trip.
Today, I'm trying to deal with the anxiety living in my body. I'm just so on edge. I'm determined to get ready & go out to dinner in spite of it. I just wish it would go away! I think I'm making my family miserable, especially the kids. The house is a mess & I'm not much of a mom these days. School work is suffering too. I know I can't quit, but on days like these I sure want to. Have a paper to write and I'm too bl**dy anxious to do so! OY!

Thought I'd pop in and sey hey, dev...

Mizz Izz should prolly be around about the dinner hour or so, if all flies right.

Rock

Dev...I hope you and your husband have fun tonight. How did he react last night? Was it okay? Been thinking about you.
hugs,
mis

He was ok, disappointed, but ok. It's just me. When I feel like this, overreact emotionally inside and just make things a mess! Thanks for thinking of me and for the hugs. Just about to get ready for dinner. Wish I didn't feel icky, but I will be fine. This too shall pass, right?

It is our hope - and hope will not disappoint us! Take care of yourself dear.

Have a fabulous night Dev, you deserve it, forget the demons and give hubby a good time. Hugs from downunder.