On the edge and toppling off....

Hey that works for me too! I'll pm you my yahoo ID this weekend sometime. I haven't been on there in quite some time but when I used to log in, my whole screen, almost, would fill up with PM's from people on my friends list seeing me online. So I will probably log onto it under invisible so we can chat without all that distraction.

(((( Dev ))))

COOL! It's like 11:15 here & we've had a couple of friends over & drinks, conversation and good times were had, so I'm gonna <hic> to ta bed. Don't look for me to be up to early!!

Hi all!

looks like everybody's out paddling or sailing or somethin' today

My ISP was on the pfffffft for about 24 hours grrrrr

I felt crew-deprived

~~~

We took the dogs down to the beach for the morning. It was just an amazing time. We saw a laker for the first time in weeks, lots of sailboats out, some of the bigger ones in the group - not tall ships but training ships for that class, a group of master swimmers went zooming into the lake a few metres from where we'd set up our little camp - they swam out in the lake for about an hour - amazing to watch - beautiful to watch the clean strokes of the leaders of the group. A couple of the women in the group are training for the Iron Man in Hawaii. Ducks, geese, swans ... babies, dogs, joggers ... it was a great day in the neighbourhood.

~~~



we were set up just a few benches from where this photo was taken
(I still need to get my pix off of the camera)

Ahhhhh. Feel like I'm relaxin' there with ya, Beth. Sounds so nice.

I was sitting and reading and thinking about how so many people I know from here are on the other side of this lake or on one of the other great lakes. It was a neat moment of contemplation.

Oh QueeeeeeeeenieDev......

how're ya doing? Ima thinking about you right now..... can you hear me....? Hugging you big - hoping you're OK.




Bethie - I'm the other side of your lake right now - hope you had a fab day at the beach. Lotsa love to you ... and HIM x

I'm here babe, rocking quietly and humming with my "huggy jacket" on! At least that's a bit what it feels like. Some times are better than others. I'm taking it more minute by minute than day by day right now. Just lettin' it be. Don't know what to say or how to articulate how I feel. Synapses are still firin', brain's makin' connections. Feels unreal, and I really wish it wasn't real at all! - so it feels crazy too, but I've already said that.
I'm here. I'm on the threads, lookin', watchin', playin', listenin' & lovin' you guys. I'm so glad the world goes around while I sit here and watch it go by right now.
Gonna try & go to bed now. I'll be back tomorrow - or later if I can't sleep! Thank you all so much for your support, and you Iz-, for prodding me to come out of the shadows for a minute. Love you!

So very sad...can't quite get my head in a straight place here... Noddy would be telling me - us all - to "Hold Your Dominion" - tears just won't stop. So glad I knew her... so glad I loved her... won't ever be able to explain that in my world.

Noddy helped me to step forward into the world I now live in... she made a difference that only I will ever truly understand.

She helped my friend...

She made me laugh and she gave me joy... she dried my tears. Whenever I reached out - she took my hand. She always knew when to call it how it was - she knew and understood my pain - and helped me find a way to heal.

Noddy did this for so many people... we are all better people for having Noddy in our lives - she'll stay with me - I'll always have her words and I will always have a Dominion I never realised I could hold on my own. She showed me the way.

It hurts so much right now to know she has gone... but I'm so pleased she is not in pain and will no longer be tired.

Noddy is my inspiration...

I will miss her in a way that I cannot describe.












Bethie - know you will be struggling hun - and this will bring back feelings for BrendaLee - hope you are both alright - hugs to you xx and HIM x

Izzie

How are you? Believe me I have had you on my mind every day .
I have not been on the computer much for a long time. I have a friend that passed away two weeks ago with Ovarian cancer. I also have another friend with Ovarian cacer and just finished her sixth treatment of chemo. I will be having bunion surgery this week.
I am sorry but what happened to our friend Noddy. She was such a wonderful person. Love to all of you on this thread.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know Noddy well, but she is a true a2k legend. I've never been lucky enough to have her advice but she was truly a gem. I am saddened and truly sorry for the loss you're feeling, my friend Iz-, and to all those who knew her well.

Jodie... lovely to see you - hunni, click on the "You have 1 new PM" at the top of the page... there's a PM sitting there for you girl, from 26June...

think of you too - do come back as often as you can. Best wishes for your surgery - will send you all the posivibes I can - hope you will let us know as soon as you can - how you are doing. Please keep your foot up and take it easy. So sorry for the loss of your friend. It's been a very rough year for you - please try to remain positive. We're here when you can get to us. Hugs x





Queen Dev - thanku girlie.

Noddy has started a new journey now... but she'll always be part of mine and even in her desperately hard times - she still gave her time, wisdom, wit and friendship. She was a very great lady. She enriched my life - and many other lives - she was a gift to everyone. I will miss her so much.


How are Dev? How was your session today - you k? x - hugging you big x

Hey. Posted on yabber-liner, I think about my time faux pas! My appointment is tomorrow, not today - oy! I'll just spend another day on the crazy train! Feeling very strange since hubby got my out of the house (on the ruse of going to the appointment, of course - just kidding!) Was actually ok about going to the food pantry! It felt good to get out, but I don't feel at all like myself. Can't wait to get tomorrow over with! I know it won't be the be all end all, but it will be a start. Crazy can be (a little) fun. My husband finds my macabre sense of humor when I'm like this hilarious.
I will let you know about how things go tomorrow. Just gotta get through one more night. I hate night - when I can't sleep and the bad thoughts creep in. <shudder> I will be ok. I can do this and some day - hopefully sooner rather than later - I will be better! And back to the ol' dev you all know and love (or love to hate - or is that just me, I hope! :wink: )

We love you any which way you are hun - your past, today and your future - makes you the person you are and will be - and whoever that is deep within - the person who speaks to us is kind, precious and a friend - warts and all - heart and soul.

When the nites close in - think of your breathing only... just think of breathing - nothing else... I'll be awake tonite if you need to yabber... then face tomorrow with renewed energy and whatever comes your way - you'll face it head on. And we'll still be here.

Take care babe x

Alrighty then ... Upon the encouragement of friends (and I'm sure you know who you are) I'm going to just 'let 'er rip' and 'let the chips fall where they may'! Just remember, I warned ya! If you don't want to hear of anything bad happening to someone, then for goodness sake please do not read what I'm about to write! You've had your warning!! ... Okay, deep breath, heavy sigh, sip of wine ... Here we go:

Without divulging my whole life story just now, I'm going to tell you what's been bothering me for the last few weeks, and it turns out, a bit longer. I will tell you this: my parents were abusive and my life hasn't exactly been a bed of roses, but who's has?! Other "lovely" (and by that I mean 'not so much') things have happened to me, but to this point I've dealt with them. Trust me this thing has been years in the making. Heck, I'VE been years in the making!
I started waking up in the middle of the night this past winter with a certain, but definite pain (which will become clear as we go on). One night it was so bad I almost had my hubby call for an ambulance or a doc or something. I remember stumbling into the hallway from my bedroom, and even though the light was on, I couldn't see I thing. I was actually blind for a short period of time! Scary, I know. Maybe I should've called a doc, but it just felt "crazy", so I didn't. (Might have ended up in the psych ward anyway - no thank you.) ... Anyway, fast forward to the last couple of weeks, my malaise and my appointment today. Remember I started having trouble sleeping again a couple of weeks ago? Well, no matter. I do! This thing has been bubbling in my brain at least that long... Okay,...
It turns out that I was sodomized by a male cousin of mine when I was a pre-teen. Sounds pretty 'sanitized' when you just say it out, doesn't it? I while back, 1) I would NEVER be talking about personal stuff like this and 2) I'd think that you would somehow think less of me for knowing this. Seems silly, doesn't it? Well, I won't give you the innermost workings of my brain, but I would have thought that way, good, bad or otherwise.
I tell you, the kind of therapy I'm doing is spiritual. Today, I went into that memory, as bad as it was, and I don't know what else to tell you but that I was met by God. I don't mean metaphorically or anything, but I can tell you that I feel healed like I never have before - from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Does that sound weird? I know that there are still synapses firing in my brain and I'm doing some intellectual sorting out and fitting puzzle pieces of my psyche back together, but I feel really good! I know it'll take time, but I think I'm gonna be just fine...
I'm not going to read back over this for fear that I might not post it, but there it is. I just really want to thank those of you who have loved, supported and encouraged me through this. You mean the whole world to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I've needed your courage and love to get me to and through this. You've helped me more than you'll ever know, and I really do love you for it.
So, there it is. Think less of me or the same of me, whatever you may.
I can't think of anything else left to say except just 'thank you'. I've just left a piece of myself on this thread- ACK!

dev -

first things first. Big HUGS to you ((((( dev ))))).

Hold on to that and if you ever lose it there's plenty more where that came from.

Now, there's no way one could think less of you for what happened to you or for your sharing it here. If such a somebody does exist then those thoughts are a reflection on them not you. You are terrific and sharing your story doesn't make you one iota less so.

I'm so glad you were able to get everything out in the open during your appointment. Keep taking those deep breaths, hun. They help whenever you think the well is going to pull you back down.

Releasing that memory and working to let go of it will indeed be spiritual. I can just imagine how uplifting it must be to open that door and let those thoughts out. It was a big day today but don't be surprised if the roller coaster you've been riding hasn't come to a complete stop yet.

Keep talking as your ready, dev. There are many ears to listen, shoulders to lean on, and arms to provide hugs whenever you need them.

Here's one more just for good measure.


((((( dev )))))

Thank you for trusting enough to lay it on the table.

Dev.......oh trust me when I say to you that I do understand your reluctance to show us your pain. The fear of what people are going to think of you. But inside your dear, sweet self....you know that we could not think less of you. If anything....I think MORE of you. It takes guts to put it out there. But it's sooooo healing. And I love you dearly.

A friend........a true friend, that is ..... will always stand by you no matter what. Good or bad. It doesn't matter. A friend can never turn their back on you and if they do....it's a hard pill to swallow, but they never were your friend. I doubt you have to worry about any of us doing that. And hey, for the record.....there is NO PERFECT FRIEND and no one expects such.

Now.... you are in the process of letting go by letting it out. I think that you understand also, that there will still be a couple bad days thrown in the mix of things. But you did it! You got in the deepest parts of you and pulled that little monster out and tossed it to the ground. I probably don't have to tell you this.....but when a bad day comes.....let it come. Go with the flow and it will pass. Accept it. Don't fight it.

When I was dealing with my abuse....(different than yours) .... certain things haunted me like a cancer. Just pushing me back. Keeping me from being me. From doing much of anything that really mattered. Then one day I was at work. Funny but that is where God took ahold of me at. And he told me exactly what I was going to do in order to get over it. I had to build a website. I knew absolutely nothing about doing that. Funny thing is....when I sat down, I was doing things that only someone that ever built a website would be able to do. It was pretty neat. God laid it on my heart that I had to share it. That I had to turn the bad into something good. That I had to help others. I went home that night....sulking like a child because there was just NO way I was going to do that. Ha! You know, God. He doesn't let go until ya do what He wants. So I did. And man....just like you, I was so ashamed at things that happened. Figured everyone would think bad of me. Just like you're feeling. I soooo understand. ( Thank you God because that site did allow me to help hundreds of people. ) There is much healing in giving.

Kindred spirits? Perhaps what you told me in pm is true. I am starting to think so. I love you so dearly. And dammit I'm sooo proud of you and sooooo hurting for what you had to go through. It's now a building block though. On the path of recovery.

You aren't alone. What you are feeling is ok and it's natural. This is just the beginning for you. A new beginning. A new journey. Your success has already begun. Your strength is more than most. Tomorrow, will bring it's own issues because, well.....that's life. But this, my dear friend, will be a ray of sunshine on any cloudy day.

I am SO FLIPPIN PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

You're fine here. Be calm.

JP, Brooke, osso I don't even know what to say. I am overwhelmed, and I'm flippin' crying so much I can't see the blinkin' screen! (Yeah, I'm a little manic right now. Goes with the all to familiar territory!)

[size=29](((((((( Dev )))))))))[/size]


Cry, sweet friend. I have a few tears mixing with yours.

Things will get so much better now!

Where to begin...

I have been thinking...

I guess the very first thing I need to do is give you the biggest hug ... and let you know you are safe here and no-one can hurt you here.

All we will do is love you for being you and for the trust you put in us. You should be very proud of yourself Dev - it would not be possible for us to think less of you.... you are a victim hunni - and the courage you have shown by trusting us deserves nothing but admiration and respect ... and of course, we love you... whatever has happened - we will share your experience - albeit virtually - and try to find a way to help you ease your pain.

The burden of offloading this real nightmare will make you feel so much lighter - possibly almost giddy. The fact is.... this thread now has taken those words from your head - and now you can start to deal with how to go forward. You already are...

As with our Noddy - your words will remain on this thread - they are there as a reminder of the past... you said it today... tomorrow is a new day into your future. Noddy is sitting here too with us - all her words of wisdom stay with this thread and are meaningful to your situation....

It is not you who should be thanking us sweetie - it is us who thank you for your trust - when...if... the memories come back and start weighing heavily - let us know - shrug them onto the thread - get them out and in a page or so the bad will be black and white words... - they will still be there - but the good from the black and white words coming back to you will lift you up and turn you round. The good words you will receive will replace the bad words you get rid of.

You know Dev - you are a courageous lady - as is our beautiful Brooke - when you find your courage and you can find the trust of people - then nothing will ever stop you - you will reach out when you need to - and you'll always find us here sitting in this room ... (the Nodster will always be here)

Dev... you already found your courage and you trusted.... nothing will stop you now.

We're stepping out with you hun.

Love you girlie x